女士们 先生们 大家好 掌声响起来
Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody, put your hands together.
有请黄艾丽出场！
Please welcome to the stage Ali Wong!
大家好啊！
Hi, everybody!
我们爱你 艾丽！
We love you, Ali!
谢谢
Thank you.
我非常羡慕嫉妒恨
You know, I'm very jealous and bitter
当一个男人
that when a man finds
在喜剧方面获得了一丝丝主流的成就
any ounce of mainstream success in comedy,
他们就能去跟模特、
they get to date models,
女演员和流行歌♥手约会了
actresses, and pop singers.
我的一位好朋友可以说是世界顶尖的
One of my dear friends is arguably one of the top stand-up comics
单口喜剧演员之一
in the world.
在过去一年半里
And for the past year and a half,
她一直在约会…
she's been dating
一个魔术师
a magician.
我说：“好啦 我不是吐槽你 姐们儿
I was like, "Okay, you know, no judgment, girl,
但他至少是一位不错的魔术师吧？”
but is he at least, like, a good magician?"
“他在魔术界的成就
"Is he, like, the best magician
能跟你在单口喜剧界的成就 相提并论吧？”
like how you are one of the best stand-up comedians?"
我在点评网上搜索那哥们儿了 他只有两颗星
I looked that dude up on Yelp, he got two stars.
成为顶尖的单口喜剧女演员 只能换来这种成就
That's what being one of the best female stand-up comics will achieve you.
一个“垃圾”魔术师
A "ain't shit" magician.
因为啊 作为一名女性 如果你有钱、有权、受人尊重
See, because when you are a woman with money, power, and respect,
你的浪漫选择并不会增加
your romantic options do not expand.
反而会减少！
They decline!
有人跟我说 那是因为男人们
Now, I am told it's because men are threatened
面对有钱有权受人尊重的女人 会感到威胁
by women with money, power, and respect.
你觉得你身上会发生什么事儿啊？
What do you think is going to happen to you, huh?
你觉得你的老二会被恶意收♥购♥吗？
You think your dick is gonna get acquired in a hostile takeover?
我敢说 这间剧院里的大多数男人
I bet most men in this theater
都从来没有过
have never, ever had your dick sucked
被赚钱比你更多的女人口♥交♥过
by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.
我跟你们说呀
And let me tell you something.
那样爽极了 好吗？
It is spectacular, okay?
真的
It is.
真的
It is.
为什么会不爽呢？
Why wouldn't it be?
如果她有能力 去赢得金钱、权力和尊重
If she got the skills to earn money, power, and respect,
你不觉得她们的模式识别能力 也更强大吗？
you don't think she got good pattern recognition?
那些技能都是互通的
Those skills transfer.
你应该觉得自己很幸运
You should feel so lucky,
受宠若惊 三生有幸 承蒙恩典
so flattered, so blessed and highly favored,
如果你有机会享受
if you ever had the opportunity to get your dick sucked
一个赚钱比你多得多的女人给你口♥交♥
by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.
因为这位重要的女士
Because out of all the things
本来可以用她的宝贵时间 去做很多事的…
this important woman could be doing with her valuable time…
是的
Yeah.
她有各种责任
All of her responsibilities,
各种有趣的机会和交易 都在等着她
all the interesting opportunities and deals knocking at her door,
但是她没有理睬
but no.
她选择跪下来
She chose to get on her knees
用嘴裹着你那年薪四万的老二…
and stick your $40,000-a-year dick in her mouth…
还是在你的丰田雅力士小车里
in your Toyota Yaris.
但是没有 完全没有
But no. None of you,
这里没有一个男人知道
not a single man in here knows what it's like
颜♥射♥百万富翁是什么感觉
to cum on the face of a millionaire.
当然 是有人给你口♥交♥过
Sure, you've gotten head.
但你在伟大的美国头脑上面射过吗？
But have you ejaculated onto a great American mind?
你的精♥子♥在大佬的眼睛里游过吗？
Has your sperm swam in the eyes of an icon?
你被时代领袖深喉过吗？
Have you been deep-throated by a voice of a generation?
我觉得没有！
I don't think so!
在座各位男士不太可能…
It's highly unlikely that any man in here…
好吧 是在座的直男不太可能
Well, any straight man in here,
知道颜♥射♥百万富翁是什么感觉
knows what it's like to cum on the face of a millionaire.
首先 有多少白手起家的 女性百万富翁呢？
First of all, how many female, self-made millionaires are there to begin with?
然后在那群人里
And then out of that pool,
又有多少人会让你射在她们脸上？
how many of them gonna let you cum on their face?
算上我一共就仨人 好吗？
There's three of us, okay?
是的 虽然我不知道另外俩人是谁
Yeah, I don't even know who the other two are.
你觉得艾伦会让你射在她脸上吗？
You think Ellen gonna let you cum on her face?
你觉得奥普拉会让你去蒙特西托 践踏她的蔬菜吗？
You think Oprah gonna let you go to Montecito and stomp on all her vegetables?
我超爱
I love
被人射在脸上
to get cummed on, on the face.
心甘情愿
I do.
因为那样很污
Because it's so nasty
又很轻松
and is so easy.
太轻松了 尤其是跟口♥交♥相比
It is so easy, especially when you compare it to sucking dick,
口♥交♥使人精疲力尽
which is so physically taxing.
呛到窒息 眼泪横流
The choking, the eyes watering.
如果你真想让他高♥潮♥ 还得加上拧胡椒粉的动作
And if you really want to keep it 100, you got to add the pepper grinding.
不能停 你知道吗？
A lot, you know?
每次我去做深层组织按♥摩♥ 按♥摩♥师都会问我：
Whenever I get a deep tissue massage, the masseuse is always like,
“你是整天都坐在电脑前工作吗？”
"Do you sit and work at a computer all day?"
我说：“不是的 我昨晚帮人口♥交♥了”
I'm like, "No, I sucked dick last night."
“现在我不能往左边看了”
"Now I can't look to the left."
除了身体上的疲惫
So in addition to all of that labor,
口♥交♥时 你还得会装 假装很投入
when you suck dick, there is all of this performing and pretending involved.
你必须讲各种谎言
You have to tell all of these lies.
“这是我尝过的最大的鸡♥巴♥”
"This is the biggest dick I've ever had in my mouth."
“太喜欢给你口♥交♥了 我下面都湿了”
"I love sucking your cock. It makes my pussy so wet."
“真好吃哟！”
"Yummy!"
但你必须说瞎话
But you have to tell the lies
才能让男人快点完事
to make the man cum faster.
谎言能让你自♥由♥！
The lies will set you free!
但当你被颜♥射♥以后
But then when you get cummed on on the face,
作为女人 你唯一要做的
your only job as the woman
就是做出一副很狂热的表情
is to make an enthusiastic expression.
当然你还有一个任务
And then your other assignment
就是不要笑出来…
is to not laugh…
当一个成年男人跨站在你的肋腔前
while this grown-ass man is straddling your rib cage,
他俯视着你 你仰视着他
he looking down at you, you looking up at him,
从这个不讨喜的角度
and you see him from this very unflattering angle
你会看到他的赫特人贾巴同款双下巴 你们知道吗？
where he got that Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know?
他彻底被圣灵附体了
He all possessed by the Holy Spirit.
“快看我 妈妈 注意看我 快看我！”
"Look at me, Mommy, watch me, pay attention, look at me!"
尤其是年轻小伙子
Young men in particular,
他们不喜欢女人有钱有权受人尊重
they don't like women with money, power, and respect,
因为他们知道 不能向那样的女人发号♥施令
because they know you can't tell that kind of woman what to do.
年轻小伙子喜欢淡定的女人
Young men want a woman that's chill.
伴侣的这种性格值得他们追求和夸耀
That's a quality in a partner that they seek out and brag about.
“哥们儿 我新交的女朋友”
"Bro, I'm dating this new chick."
“她特别淡定”
"She's so chill."
“她根本不在乎我是做什么的 因为她超淡定”
"She doesn't give a fuck about what I do 'cause she's chill."
“我对她做什么都可以 因为她的内心已死”
"She lets me do whatever I want 'cause she's dead inside."
“她很淡定”
"She's chill."
“她就像一具长着大咪♥咪♥的尸体 简直无敌了”
"She's like a corpse with tits. It's awesome."
“她很淡定”
"She's chill."
我从没想过跟淡定的男人约会
I have never, ever wanted to date a man that was chill.
因为淡定不能当钱花
'Cause chill don't pay the bills.
我的侄子已经25岁了 他正在跟一位建筑师约会
My nephew is 25 years old, and he is dating this architect.
天啊 她非常聪明 风趣幽默
My goodness, she is so smart and interesting,
事业有成 魅力无限
successful, and charismatic,
我们都希望 他们早日成婚
and we all hope that he marries her one day.
但周初的时候 他打电♥话♥跟我说： “你知道吗 艾丽姑妈
But he called me up earlier this week and he was like, "You know, Auntie Ali,
我觉得我要跟她分手了”
I think I'mma break up with her."
“是的 因为工作中 她是领导
"Yeah, because she's a boss at work,
所以她觉得 回到家里 依然可以对我呼来喝去”
and so she thinks it's okay to come home and boss me around."
我说：“哦”
I was like, "Oh."
“好吧
"Well,
反正这种事总会发生在你身上的”
that shit's gonna happen to you no matter what."