女士们 先生们 大家好 掌声响起来
Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody, put your hands together.
Please welcome to the stage Ali Wong!
We love you, Ali!
You know, I'm very jealous and bitter
that when a man finds
any ounce of mainstream success in comedy,
they get to date models,
actresses, and pop singers.
One of my dear friends is arguably one of the top stand-up comics
in the world.
And for the past year and a half,
she's been dating
我说：“好啦 我不是吐槽你 姐们儿
I was like, "Okay, you know, no judgment, girl,
but is he at least, like, a good magician?"
"Is he, like, the best magician
like how you are one of the best stand-up comedians?"
I looked that dude up on Yelp, he got two stars.
That's what being one of the best female stand-up comics will achieve you.
A "ain't shit" magician.
因为啊 作为一名女性 如果你有钱、有权、受人尊重
See, because when you are a woman with money, power, and respect,
your romantic options do not expand.
Now, I am told it's because men are threatened
by women with money, power, and respect.
What do you think is going to happen to you, huh?
You think your dick is gonna get acquired in a hostile takeover?
I bet most men in this theater
have never, ever had your dick sucked
by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.
And let me tell you something.
It is spectacular, okay?
Why wouldn't it be?
If she got the skills to earn money, power, and respect,
you don't think she got good pattern recognition?
Those skills transfer.
You should feel so lucky,
受宠若惊 三生有幸 承蒙恩典
so flattered, so blessed and highly favored,
if you ever had the opportunity to get your dick sucked
by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.
Because out of all the things
this important woman could be doing with her valuable time…
All of her responsibilities,
all the interesting opportunities and deals knocking at her door,
She chose to get on her knees
and stick your $40,000-a-year dick in her mouth…
in your Toyota Yaris.
But no. None of you,
not a single man in here knows what it's like
to cum on the face of a millionaire.
Sure, you've gotten head.
But have you ejaculated onto a great American mind?
Has your sperm swam in the eyes of an icon?
Have you been deep-throated by a voice of a generation?
I don't think so!
It's highly unlikely that any man in here…
Well, any straight man in here,
knows what it's like to cum on the face of a millionaire.
首先 有多少白手起家的 女性百万富翁呢？
First of all, how many female, self-made millionaires are there to begin with?
And then out of that pool,
how many of them gonna let you cum on their face?
There's three of us, okay?
Yeah, I don't even know who the other two are.
You think Ellen gonna let you cum on her face?
You think Oprah gonna let you go to Montecito and stomp on all her vegetables?
to get cummed on, on the face.
Because it's so nasty
and is so easy.
It is so easy, especially when you compare it to sucking dick,
which is so physically taxing.
The choking, the eyes watering.
And if you really want to keep it 100, you got to add the pepper grinding.
A lot, you know?
Whenever I get a deep tissue massage, the masseuse is always like,
"Do you sit and work at a computer all day?"
I'm like, "No, I sucked dick last night."
"Now I can't look to the left."
So in addition to all of that labor,
口♥交♥时 你还得会装 假装很投入
when you suck dick, there is all of this performing and pretending involved.
You have to tell all of these lies.
"This is the biggest dick I've ever had in my mouth."
"I love sucking your cock. It makes my pussy so wet."
But you have to tell the lies
to make the man cum faster.
The lies will set you free!
But then when you get cummed on on the face,
your only job as the woman
is to make an enthusiastic expression.
And then your other assignment
is to not laugh…
while this grown-ass man is straddling your rib cage,
he looking down at you, you looking up at him,
and you see him from this very unflattering angle
where he got that Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know?
He all possessed by the Holy Spirit.
“快看我 妈妈 注意看我 快看我！”
"Look at me, Mommy, watch me, pay attention, look at me!"
Young men in particular,
they don't like women with money, power, and respect,
because they know you can't tell that kind of woman what to do.
Young men want a woman that's chill.
That's a quality in a partner that they seek out and brag about.
"Bro, I'm dating this new chick."
"She's so chill."
"She doesn't give a fuck about what I do 'cause she's chill."
"She lets me do whatever I want 'cause she's dead inside."
"She's like a corpse with tits. It's awesome."
I have never, ever wanted to date a man that was chill.
'Cause chill don't pay the bills.
My nephew is 25 years old, and he is dating this architect.
天啊 她非常聪明 风趣幽默
My goodness, she is so smart and interesting,
successful, and charismatic,
and we all hope that he marries her one day.
但周初的时候 他打电♥话♥跟我说： “你知道吗 艾丽姑妈
But he called me up earlier this week and he was like, "You know, Auntie Ali,
I think I'mma break up with her."
“是的 因为工作中 她是领导
"Yeah, because she's a boss at work,
所以她觉得 回到家里 依然可以对我呼来喝去”
and so she thinks it's okay to come home and boss me around."
I was like, "Oh."
that shit's gonna happen to you no matter what."