Joey: OK, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad. And I don't really know what happened with that.
Phoebe Sr. :I'm your mother.
Joey: Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldn't go out with a guy like Chandler.
Chandler: Hi there.
Joey:...and he couldn't let it go, and...I don't really know what happened with that either.
Oh-oh! And then Ross's new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced her to shave her head.
And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and, I, don't know what happened there either...
You know what, hold on, let me go get Chandler.
Rachel and Bonnie: Hi!
Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned.
Bonnie: Thanks a million.
Rachel: You're welcome a million.
Bonnie: smell it.
Ross: Umm, minty.
Bonnie: Okay, I'll be in our room.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Ross: I know. Okay, I gotta go.
Rachel: Whoa! What? Why?
Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.
Rachel: Here? Now?
Ross: WelI, yeah. I can't-I can't stay here all night, and if I go in there, she's-she's gonna wanna.... do stuff.
Rachel: Well, can't you tell her that you are not in the mood?
Ross: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn't work either, I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up with her...
Ross: Whoa-oh, okay! Why am I telling you that?
Rachel: I don't know.
Ross: It wasn't every morning...
Rachel: Oh, Making it worse!
Phoebe Sr. : So I guess you'd like to know how it all happened.
Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess, you know, I was born, and then everyone started lying their asses off!
Phoebe Sr. :Noo! No, it wasn't like that I...Uh And you remember how I told you how Lilly, and Frank, and I we were close? Well, We were, We were very close.
Phoebe: How close?
Phoebe Sr. :Well, the-the three of us were kind of umm, a couple.
Phoebe: I don't even know how that would work.
Phoebe Sr. : Well, we were...
Phoebe: I'm not asking!
Phoebe Sr. :Well, Anyhow, somehow I got pregnant, and...and I was...scared. I was stupid and selfish.
I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it's like to be eighteen years old, don't you?
Phoebe: Yeah. Let's see, my mommy had killed herself and my dad had run off.
And I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
Phoebe Sr. :Well, I'm so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world.
I didn't even hear about your Mom and Dad till a couple of years ago. And by then, you were already grown up.
I don't know, you're here, and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! I'm a really cool person. And, you know, you had 29 years to find that out, but you didn't even try!
You know what, you walked out on me, and I'm just, I'm gonna do the same to you.
Phoebe Sr. :Wait.
Phoebe: I don't ever want to see you again. Where's my purse?
Monica: Shoot! We're out of soda.
Chandler: Oh, I'll go out and get you some.
Chandler: Nope, because I'm not your boyfriend. Hey, Pheebs, how did it go?
Phoebe: Hah. Well, my mom's friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth mom.
Chandler: I found a dried-up seahorse.
Monica: Sweetie, what are you talking about?
Phoebe: Oh, my new mom, who-who's a big fat abandoner!
Joey: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second, don't you wanna stay here and talk about it?
Phoebe: No. I'm just, I wanna, I need to be alone. Monica?
Joey: Man. Hey, what if you found out that your mom wasn't really your mom...and your new mom turned out to be really hot? Oh, man, huh?
Chandler: But, it's your mom.
Joey: No, I'm talking about your mom.
Ross: It's over.
Rachel: Oh, Was it awful?
Ross: Well, it was long. I didn't even realize how late it was till I noticed the 5 o'clock shadow on her head.
Anyway, she didn't wanna stay. I called a cab. She just left.
Rachel: I wrote you a letter.
Ross: Oh, thank you! I like mail.
Rachel: There's just, some things I've been thinking about. You know, things about us.
And before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff.
Ross: Okay. it's-It's 5:30 in the morning. So I'd better get cracking on this baby.
Rachel: I'll be waiting for you, just come up when you're done.
Ross: Okay. I'll be up in...18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting!
Rachel: Hey! What happened to you? Why didn't you come up?
Rachel: You just finished?
Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice!
Rachel: So umm, does it?
Ross: I'm sorry?
Rachel: Does it?
Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole 'Does it?' part just another glance.
Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross? You just said that you read it twice.
Look, you know what, either it does or it doesn't, and if you have to even think about it...
Ross: No, no, Rach, no. I don't, I don't, I don't have to think about it, I don't. in fact, I have decided that, that it...does.
Rachel: Are you sure?
Ross: Oh, Sure, I'm sure!
Chandler: All right. There's a nuclear holocaust. I'm the last man on earth. Would you go out with me?
Chandler: I've got canned goods.
Joey: Hey, you guys! Take a look at this! Check this baby out! Dug me a hole.
Chandler: Excellent hole, Joe.
Joey: Oh, no! NO! My hole!
Monica: Ow! What? !Ow!
Joey: What? ! What? !What is it?
Monica: Jellyfish sting! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts!
Chandler: Can we help? You want us to take you back to the house?
Monica: It's two miles.
Joey: Yeah, and I'm a little tired from digging the hole.
Monica: Damn the jellyfish! Damn all the jellyfish!
Chandler: We gonna do something!
Joey: Well, there's really only one thing you can do.
Monica: What? What is it?
Joey: You're gonna have to pee on it.
Monica: What? !! Gross! !
Joey: Don't blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel.
Chandler: You know what, he's right. There's something like uh, ammonia in that, they kills the pain.
Monica: Well forget it. It doesn't hurt that baaad! !
Joey: You want some privacy, you can use my hole.
Phoebe: Well, I'm ready to get the hell out of here. Oh. Are you? Are you? ! Ohh! That's so great! Ooh, not for Bonnie. But for you, yay! Ohh.
Rachel: How was the beach?
Monica: Nothing. I don't know.
Ross: What happened?
Monica: Nothing. I'm gonna take a shower.
Chandler: Me too.
Joey: Me too.
Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna put this in the car.
Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. Oh! And it really does?
Ross: lt does. It really and truly does....
Ross: it so does not!
Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship.
I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her. WE WERE ON A BREAK! !!
Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I'm gonna break up with you!
Ross: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, She says here,
"lf you accept full responsibility..."Full responsibility! "I can begin to trust you again.
Does that seem like something you can do? Does it?
Joey: No? But-
Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want. You're back with Rachel. If you bring this up now, you're gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you.
Ross: Yeah, I know. I-I, no, you're right. Yeah I guess I'll let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this.
Joey: Sure, it's hard to forget! But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it!
A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, ever talk about.
Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?
Joey: It's between us and the sea, Ross.
Phoebe: Hi, Ursula.
Phoebe: OKay, well umm, I know that we haven't talked in a long time. But, umm okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom.
Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montauk, umm-hmm.
Phoebe: You know her?
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in mom's suicide note.
Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note? ! Well, do you still have it?
Ursula: Hang on.
Phoebe: I can't believe you didn't tell me there was a suicide note.
Ursula: Yeah. So how've you been doing?
Phoebe: I, umm, Shut up!
Phoebe:"Goodbye, Phoebe and Ursula. I'll miss you. P.S.Your mom lives in Montauk." You just wrote this!
Ursula: Well, It's pretty much the gist.Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right?
Phoebe: Noooo! !
Ursula: All right. Hang on.
Monica: Pass the cheese, please. My God, You can't even look at me, can you?
Chandler: Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe! !
Phoebe: No. I'm-I'm too depressed to talk.
Chandler: I'll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us.
Ross: Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?
Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!
Rachel: All right, that's it, you guys! What happened out there?
Monica: What? We took a walk. Nothing happened. I came back with nothing all over me.
Ross and Rachel: Come on! What happened? Joey?
Joey: All right...
Monica: No! Joey, we swore we'd never tell!
Chandler: They'll never understand.
Joey: Well, we have to say something and get it out. It's eating me alive! Monica got stung by a jellyfish...
Monica: All right! All right. I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn't stand. I-I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole.
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.
Joey: I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel.
Ross: Wait a minute, I saw that. On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you...Ewwww! You peed on yourself?
Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww! !
Monica: You can't say that! ! You-you don't know! ! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn't...bend that way. So...
Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: Ewwww! !
Joey: That's right I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help! If I had to, I'd pee on anyone of you!
Only, uhh, I couldn't. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: Joey kept screaming at me, 'Do it now! Do it! ! Do it! Do it now! !' Sometimes late at night I can still hear this screaming.
Joey: That's cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.
Rachel: Maybe there's somebody that you guys could talk to.
Monica: Oh, who? It's not like they have a group for people like us.
Phoebe: Yeah, no, there's this guy Owen, he's the best. Might I have his card.
Phoebe:"...and fuchsia and mauve. Those are the 66 colors of my bedroommmm."
Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite all of you to count the colors in your bedroom. Except for you. You go away.
Phoebe Sr. :I'll go in a second. I-I just wanted to tell you that...there hasn't been a day where I didn't regret giving you up.
Phoebe: Okay, bye.
Phoebe Sr. :No, I'm not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I never looked you up was because,
Well I was afraid that you'd react, just well like, the, the way you're reacting right now, and can't we just, you know, start from here? Please.
Phoebe Sr. :OK.
Phoebe Sr. : But just one last thing. You know you came looking for family. I'm family, I'm it. Well, now I'm done.
Phoebe: Yeah, but it's not like we're losing anything. You know?
Phoebe Sr. :Yeah, I guess you're right.
Phoebe: It's not like we know each other or anything. Or that we have anything in common.
Phoebe Sr. :Well, I don't know. I mean It's not like...we don't have anything in common. I mean, I like uh, pizza.
Phoebe: I-I like pizza!
Phoebe Sr. :You do? !Wait, I like umm, the Beatles.
Phoebe: Oh, my God! So do l!
Phoebe Sr. :I knew it, wow!
Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly?
Phoebe Sr. :Ohh, so cute!
Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! You see. But umm, I'm still, I'm mad at you.
Phoebe Sr. :I know. I'm mad at me too.
Phoebe: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? I'm kinda hungry.
Phoebe Sr. :Hey! Me too!
Phoebe: Uncanny. God, looks like it's gonna rain and I don't have my umbrella.
Phoebe Sr. :Me neither. I really hate that.
Phoebe: All right, stop it, now you're just doing it to freak me out.
Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you.
Ross: I missed you too.
Rachel: Ooh, So nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you've grown. You know?
Ross: I suppose.
Rachel: You have! Ross, you have, you should give yourself credit. I mean my mom never thought this would work out. She was all, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadn't lost those four months. But if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...
Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!
chandler: Coffee house?
Monica: You bet.
Ross: And for the record, It took two people to break up this relationship.
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for.
Ross: I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for! OKay? I didn't finish the whole letter!
Ross: I fell asleep.
Rachel: You fell asleep?
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning. And you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!
Oh-oh-oh, and By the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means "you are." Y-O-U-R means "your."
Rachel: You know I can't believe I even thought of getting back together with you! We are so over!
Ross: Fine by me!
Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those spelling tips will come in handy when you are at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica.
Rachel: Sorry! I just feel bad about all that sleep you 're gonna miss wishing you were with me!
Ross: Oh, no-no-no. Don't worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common. It doesn't happen to every guy. And it is a big deal!
Chandler: I knew it!
Chandler: We were playing gin? Yow know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.
Monica: Would you stop?
Chandler: Okay. All right.
Monica: Okay, All right. I think you're great. I think you're sweet, and you're smart, and I love you. But you'll always be the guy who peed on me.
Monica: All right! All right. I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn't stand. I-I couldn't walk.