Phoebe: Ok, new wallet, huh?
Chandler: Oh-yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn't say "cool" anymore.
Monica: Rachel, you just put an empty carton back in the fridge.
Rachel: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full.
Monica: Have you ever taken out the trash?
Monica: Since you've lived here?
Rachel: Well, I uh thought you liked doing it.
Monica: Third door on the left.
Rachel: Oh! Hey, Mr. Treeger.
Mr. Treeger: Hey.
Mr. Treeger: What're you doing?
Rachel: Ummm. Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. It's a little old but...
Mr. Treeger: No! You're clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging!
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't- I don't come in here a lot.
Mr. Treeger: Aw, yeah, 'course you don't!
Mr. Treeger: Cause you're a little princess! "Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy Birthday to me..."
Well you think you just come in here, make a mess, a big man in the coveralls will come and clean it up, huh?
Well, why don't you think of someone else for a change?
Rachel: Ok, I'm sorry.
Monica: God! You're gonna cry about it!
Joey: Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry?
Rachel: Yes! And he said really mean things that were only partly true.
Joey: I'm gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson.
Monica: Joey, please don't do that. I think it's best we just forget about it.
Rachel: That's easy for you to say, you weren't almost just killed.
Joey: All right that's it, school is in session!
Monica: My God! Is this a gym card?
Chandler: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times.
Ross: So why don't you quit?
Chandler: You don't think I've tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month?
No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try to confuse you! And then they bring out Maria.
Ross: Who is Maria?
Chandler: Oh Maria. You can't say no to her, she's like this Lycra Spandex covered gym...treat.
Ross: Do you need me to go down there with you and hold your hand?
Ross: All right, so you're strong enough to face her alone?
Chandler: Oh no, you'll have to come.
Mr. Treeger: Tribbiani! Hold on, I'll get the plunger.
Joey: Hey! You hold on pal! Now you made my friend Rachel cry.
So now, you're gonna go up there and you're gonna apologize to her, unless you want me to call the landlord.
Mr. Treeger: And tell them what?
Joey: Maybe you haven't heard of a little something called, Not Making Girls Cry."
Mr. Treeger: Yeah. Well maybe you have heard about the Rent Stabilization Act 1968!
Joey: I have actually not heard of that.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, well your friends are in violation of it. Uh I've been a nice guy up until now, but uh, I don't need this grief.
I'm gonna call the landlord and tell him that Monica is illegally subletting her grandmother's apartment. Your friends are outta here pal.
Joey: Don't you tell me something I don't know!
Phoebe: Oh please, somebody tell me I don't have to go to work today!
Monica: What's the matter?
Phoebe: Oh, my first massage is this incredibly gorgeous guy, and every time I see him I just wanna do things to him that I'm not allowed to charge for.
Monica: So do them for free.
Phoebe: Oh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs. Potter fires people for messing around with clients. And it's against my oath as a masseuse.
Ross: They make you take an oath?
Phoebe: No, I made myself take one. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared.
Yeah, that one's actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense.
Chandler: Why don't you just give him to somebody else?
Phoebe: No, I can handle it. No, I'm a professional.
Rachel: Oh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet?
Monica: Wow! And you got a pedicure. Your feet are all dressed up.
Chandler: Because that's the only part of you he can see when he's on the table!
Monica: You're gonna do some feet flirting!
Phoebe: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ross: Then how do you explain the toe ring?
Phoebe: Because it's Arabian princess day at work! Ok? ! Leave me alone!
Rachel: Oh! My hero! What happened?
Joey: Well uh, I went down there and I told him no one treats my friends like that and he'd better come up here and apologize. So see you later.
Monica: Wait a minute, what'd he say?
Joey: Uh, he said that he wasn't gonna apologize because you guys are living here illegally, so instead what he's gonna do is have you evicted - I'll see you later.
Rachel: You-you got us evicted? !
Monica: I told you not to go down there!
Joey: Well he made Rachel cry!
Monica: Rachel always cries!
Rachel: Aw! That's not true!
Monica: Ok Joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. I mean you suck like you've never sucked before!
Joey: All right! I'll try! But if I can't, you stay with Chandler and I until you get settled.
Rachel: Go! !
Joey: All right, all right, all right. I mean I have to check with him first, but I think he'll be cool.
Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember what we talked about, you gotta be strong.
Chandler: Yes. Yes!
Ross: Uh one more time, "Hey, don't you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?"
Chandler: No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!
Ross: Good! That's good!
Chandler: Ok. Ok. I wanna quit the gym.
Gym Employee: You wanna quit?
Chandler: I wanna quit the gym.
Gym Employee: You do realize you won't have access to our new full service Swedish spa.
Chandler: I wanna quit the gym.
Gym Employee: Ok, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters.
Excuse me. Are you a member?
Ross: Me? No.
Gym Employee: Sorry, members only.
Chandler: I wanna quit the gym.
Ross: It's ok man, be strong.
Gym Employee: So, are you a member of any gym.
Ross: No! And I'm not going to be, so you can save you little speech.
Gym Employee: Ok, no problem. Could you come here for a second?
Woman: Hi, I'm Maria.
Rick: Wow, you've really pretty feet.
Phoebe: These old things. I-
Rick: Would you mind spending some time on my sciatic area, it's been killing me today.
Phoebe: You mean the- ok by sciatic, you mean the, towel covered portion.
Phoebe: Sure, yeah, no I can do that, yeah, because umm, you know, usually the muscles in the sciatic area can get you know, real nice and tight.
Yeah. So umm, tell me Rick, how umm, how'd you injure the area.
Rick: Oh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace.
Rick: Ow! Did you just bite me?
Mr. Treeger: What?
Joey: Please don't kick Monica and Rachel out, this wasn't there fault, it was mine.
Mr. Treeger: You want me to kick you guys out instead?
Joey: No you can't do that, where would the chick and the duck live?
Mr. Treeger: You have pets? !
Joey: Noo-no-no, no, those are uh, nicknames. Yeah, I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck.
Mr. Treeger: Huh, I would've thought it was the other way around.
Joey: Come on man, just-just let the girls stay, I'll do whatever you want.
Mr. Treeger: Really? You'll do anything?
Joey: Yeah-yeah, absolutely.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, I got something you can do.
Joey: What, what is it?
Mr. Treeger: Can you be my dancing partner?
Joey: That's not, prison lingo, is it?
Chandler: I want to quit the gym!
Dave: Now, can you honestly tell me that you're a hurdred percent satisfied with your body?
Chandler: Yes! Yes! Most of the time. I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have.
Dave: Look, we were voted "Best-equipped Gym in New York" two years running. Do you really wanna give that up?
Chandler: Yes, I hate it here! Everything that you have in here is very heavy!
Dave: Yeah. Really? Ok. You don't wanna make your friend work out alone, do you?
Chandler: What friend?
Dave: Your friend Ross, just joined.
Monica: His dancing partner? !
Joey: Yeah, there's this superintendent's dance, the Super Ball. Um,
and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that he's got a crush on.
Rachel: Why doesn't he just practice with a girl?
Joey: Well, he's too shy, he doesn't think he's good enough to dance with girls yet.
Rachel: Yeah, right, he almost danced me right down that...garbage chute.
Monica: Oh, would you let it go already? ! You're fine!
Rachel: Hey! So, did you quit?
Chandler: No, I almost did, couldn't leave Ross there without a spotter!
Monica: Wait, now, so you joined the gym?
Ross: And that's funny, why?
Rachel: Oh, umm, I was just, you know, picturing you working out and umm...Oh, that's it.
Chandler: We're doomed. Ok, they're gonna take 50 bucks a month out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What're we gonna do?
Monica: Well, you could actually go to the gym.
Ross: Or! Or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source.
Chandler: You're a genius!
Joey: Aww, man, but then we won't be bank buddies!
Chandler: Now, there's two reasons.
Phoebe: Ohh, you guys, remember that cute client I told you about? I bit him.
Rachel: Where? !
Phoebe: On the tushy.
Ross: And that's not against your oath? !
Phoebe: No, I know! I'm-I'm sorry, but the moment I touch him, I just wanna throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one.
Monica: Well, next time you massage him, you should try to distract yourself.
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when I'm doing something exciting and I don't wanna get too excited,
I just ah, you know I try and think about other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler!
Chandler: Thank you, Joey.
Joey: No-no, thank you.
Joey: All right, I'm here, let's ah, get this over with.
Mr. Treeger: Ok huh, well, just ah, follow my lead.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, don't we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like ah, get really drunk?
Mr. Treeger: All right come on, eh, just ah, just ah, put your arms around me, eh.
Mr. Treeger: Ahhhh! I'm sorry!
Joey: No, it's ok, but if I'm Marge, my breasts are coming out my back.
Mr. Treeger: Ahh, forget it! I'm not being be any good at this, my mom was right, I'm just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head.
Joey: Come on, man, you're not a potato.
Mr. Treeger: I'm sure as hell not a dancer, it's no use Marge, will never go for me.
Joey: Uhh. Come on Treeger, don't say that. You just ah, you just need more practice. Here, come on, let's ah, let's try it again. Come on.
Plus, it was, it was probably mostly my fault, anyway. I mean, you know, I'm not really that comfortable dancing with a- We-he! ! Hey!
Monica: So how goes the dancing? Gay yet?
Joey: Ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time.
Rachel: What was that?
Rachel: You just did a little dancy thing.
Joey: No I didn't.
Monica: Yes you did! You did like a little hop.
Rachel: You are soo enjoying this.
Joey: No, I'm not! And it wasn't a hop it was a pas de bourrée.
Monica: Oh! You know the words! You are so into this!
Joey: All right, well maybe I'm enjoying it a little bit. I mean I'm getting pretty good at it.
Rachel: Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle toes.
Joey: Hey-hey, hold on, this isn't some kind of like girly dance. All right, it's like a sport, you know, it's manly!
Monica: Yeah. All right, come here, show me some manly moves.
Joey: All right.
Joey: I don't know how to lead.
Bank Officer: Hi.
Ross: We'd like to close our accounts.
Bank Officer: Close your accounts? Is there some kind of problem?
Chandler: No, we just, like to close them.
Bank Officer: Ok, Ms. Lambert handles all our closures. Would you come over here please?
Ms. Lambert: Hi, I'm Karen.
Chandler: I wanna quit the bank!
Phoebe: Ok, baseball. Rick playing baseball. Ok, slides into second, maybe even his pants come down a little...
Oh no- wait no, no! No! Ok, all right, sandwiches, sandwiches. Umm, ok, on a plate, maybe Rick's pants come down a little.
No! No! Oh, Chandler! Ok Chandler, woo, that's working.
Phoebe: Chandler's knees. Chandler's...ankles. Chandler's ankle hair. Oh no. Ok, you're all set.
Rick: Oh wow! That was amazing, was that really just an hour? !
Phoebe: Yeah! In...really long hour world.
Phoebe: Ugh, ok, I have an enormous crush on you. But because you're a client, I can't ask you out, even though you give me you know, the feeling.
Rick: Wow! I had no idea! But uh, hey, I can always find another masseuse.
Phoebe: Really? !
Rick: Yeah, really.
Rick: Suddenly, I'm very aware that I'm naked.
Phoebe: Ok, quiet down.
Mrs. Potter: Mr. Simon's been waiting for- Oh my God!
Mr. Simon: Why wasn't I offered that? I'd definitely pay more for that.
Mrs. Potter: Phoebe, we have rules here, this is not that kind of place.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, oh and I know, but this isn't how it looks, at all, 'cause Rick is, uh, my husband.
Mrs. Potter: Oh really? Well, then you'd better tell his other wife, 'cause she called three times asking where he is.
Phoebe: Yes, I will tell her.
Monica: So you didn't leave the bank?
Ross: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account.
Rachel: What are you ever gonna use that for? !
Chandler: To pay for the gym.
Phoebe: Hey! So, I had a great day, Rick and I really hit it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore.
Joey: What? !
Rachel: You got fired? !
Monica: Oh my Gosh!
Phoebe: It's so weird, I have never been fired from anything before!
Phoebe: I just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next, you know? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages.
Then these policemen, thought I was a whore too. Really, a bad day, whore-wise.
Mr. Treeger: Hey Duck, is Chick here?
Joey: So you ah, ready for our last practice?
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, but you know, I think the reason we're not getting that spin right is because my apartment's too small.
Joey: Uhhh. You wanna use our place?
Mr. Treeger: Nah, I had another idea.
Joey: We did it! !
Mr. Treeger: I know, we did it! ! Hey, that was incredible, huh? !
Joey: That was amazing! I mean, we totally nailed it, it was beautiful.
Mr. Treeger: Thank you, listen, thanks a lot Tribbiani, . Oh my God, look at the time, I gotta catch the bus to the ball.
Joey: Oh! Well, ok, good luck.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah.
Joey: Un-unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again? Or-or the Tango?
Mr. Treeger: Ahh, thanks but, no. You see, See I-I think I'm ready to dance with girls.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah.
Joey: Go get 'em Treeger.
Mr. Treeger: Right. Hey ah, you wanna come? Marge's a girlfriend.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah. Hey you could dance real good with her, she's the same size as me.
Joey: No, I'm good.
Interviewer: So it looks like you've got some great experience here. Let's see, reason for leaving last job?
Phoebe: Yeah, they thought I was a whore.
Interviewer: Ok, we'll give you a call if anything comes up.
Phoebe: Great! Thank you very much.