Chandler: Are you looking at a naked tribe's woman?
Joey: No, look.
Chandler: That's a pig.
Joey: I know, I know, but look at the knob's on it.
Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out!
Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?
Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family!
Joey: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of you!
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Absolutely!
Chandler: Anything you need man! But you have to promise me you'll let us know the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!
Ross: You got it.
Ross: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much lately I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
Chandler: He thought you said gonad.
Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant all is as clean as yours, be tough time making a living.
Monica: Oh, Larry.
Phoebe: Umm, do health inspectors work on commission?
Larry: No, bribes.
Phoebe: It's ok to laugh, right?
Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding.
Larry: I'm gonna check kitchen floor.
Monica: Ok, knock yourself out, Larry. I don't get violations. You could eat beans off that floor. But don't, because that'd be a violation.
Phoebe: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floor.
Larry: A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation.
Monica: Uh, look, Larry, honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen.
Larry: And where is your hat?
Monica: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it.
Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points.
Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote.
Phoebe: Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and you knew that she'd have to go in there hat-less to get it. You can have your own, you know, health inspector detective show!
Larry: Oh, I don't know about that.
Phoebe: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda.
Larry: Maybe, uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner sometime.
Phoebe: Ok, she would love that! You know, since you know all the clean places to eat.
Larry: I-I'll call ya.
Phoebe: He's so funny!
Rachel: Thank you.
Rachel: How's Ross doing? You know since all the Emily stuff.
Monica: He's not great, but umm, he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try...
Rachel: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again.
Rachel: I mean, he's gonna be screwed up for a long time. Besides, you know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.
Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.
Danny: Two pounds of Mocha Java please.
Monica: Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again?
Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, weflirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing.
Rachel: Hi Danny! Wow! Thirsty huh?
Danny: Uh, actual-actually, I'm having a party at my place on the Saturday, sort of a house warming kinda thing.
Monica: Ohh, fun!
Rachel: Ohh, great!
Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
Danny: Ok, see ya.
Monica: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house.
Rachel: Ok. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me, to ask him out.
Monica: And you're not gonna do that.
Rachel: That's right! Cause that would give him the control!
Rachel:So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing you know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it?
Monica: So-so there is no party?
Rachel: Oh no, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me?
Monica: I think so. So, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you.
Monica: Then why didn't he invite me?
Rachel: Oh! to throw me off!
Ross: Hey roomies!
Chandler: Love what you've done with the place.
Ross: Oh, yeah, I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes, but again I-I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here.
Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while, why don't- I was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine.
Chandler: Oh yeah!
Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, but I kind of already, jazzed it up a little. Check this out. We will, we will, call you back!
Joey: Hey, all right!
Ross: Pretty cool, huh?
Chandler: Oh yes.
Joey: You're fake-laughing too, right?
Chandler: Oh, the tears are real.
Larry: You look beautiful this evening.
Phoebe: Show me the badge again.
Larry: Oh, will you mind if I wash up? 'Cause I came straight from work and, who knows where these babies'vebeen.
Phoebe: You are just nonstop!
Larry: We're outta here!
Phoebe: What- why? !
Larry: Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10 violations! I'm shutting this place down!
Phoebe: You have the power to do that?
Larry: This does.
Phoebe: Shut it down.
Chandler: What're you doing?
Chandler: You built a fort didn't ya?
Chandler: Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard for 4 years through college was...
Joey: Dude, you should've gone out once in a while.
Chandler: I hate this thing!
Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. Ok? He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown-up and come and watch some TV in the fort!
Monica: Can't believe that Larry closed down Churman's. I love that place.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know. But you should have heard about all their violations. Larry said that they should, umm, call it Vermin's. That guy just plain kills me.
Rachel: Oh, hi Danny.
Danny: Hey guys, uh I just, wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night.
Monica: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by.
Rachel: Yeah, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy.
Monica: You are?
Rachel: Yeah! Remember I've got that uh, gala.
Danny: What-what's the gala for?
Rachel: Uh, it's a uh, it's a, it's a regatta gala.
Danny: Really! You-you sail?
Rachel: No-no, but I support it.
Danny: Ok, oh, hope I'll see you tomorrow night.
Danny: Take care.
Rachel: Walked right into that one didn't he?
Monica: What one? You-you wanted him to invite you to the party and he did.
Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party.
Rachel: I said, "No!", which puts me right back in the driver seat.
Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court?
Rachel: Ball? No, there is no ball.
Monica: Hey Pheebs, you wanna join us?
Phoebe: Oh, sure, yeah. Where is this from?
Monica: It's from Sun Ling's.
Phoebe: Oh, Larry just told me something about Sun Ling. Oh, no, thank you.
Ross: Joey, please!
Chandler: Hello children!
Joey: Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please? Okay.
Joey: No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come on!
Joey: All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this?
Chandler: Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand?
Joey: No, the quiet down thing!
Chandler: Oh, you mean this.
Joey: Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs? My God! What if that'd been porn?
Chandler: All right, look, you know, this maybe tough but come on, it's Ross! I survived college with him!
Joey: All right, I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game.
Joey: Yes! !
Ross: Uh fellas,
Chandler: Ok, so he's out of here.
Joey: You guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Johnos for some chicken and it was closed!
Phoebe: Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was all violated. So we shut it down!
Joey: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where're we gonna eat? !
Monica: I don't know, clean places?
Joey: Umm, yum!
Monica: It's Danny.
Rachel: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala.
Monica: We'll be right there! Can't you just say it starts later?
Rachel: What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night? !
Monica: The fake kind!
Danny: Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle?
Monica: We've a ladle.
Danny: Thanks, see you at the party.
Monica: Ok great!
Phoebe: Hey, you guys, you know what Larry would say? He'd say, "See you ladle."
Chandler: Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings?
Ross: I'll take Sports.
Ross: All right. Uhh, International.
Joey: Oh that's mine too! I'm Italian!
Ross: Well, I guess I can check out those Apartment listings, even though there's never anything in here.
Chandler: Not even on page 7?
Ross: Oh yeah! You're - hey, you're right! Oh, here's an affordable place, two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks!
Chandler: What about that circled one?
Ross: Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio.
Joey: But it's available now! Isn't it?
Chandler: Yes, it is.
Joey: Hey, let's go look at it!
Ross: Ok, let's go.
Chandler: There we go!
Ross: Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you would uh, maybe chip in for some new air filters for the purifier? I mean after all, we all are using it.
Chandler: Let's go quicker.
Ross: Oh my God!
Chandler: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! You know so you can cook while in the tub.
Joey: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place.
Ross: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking.
Joey: But hey, Ross, this place is available now!
Chandler: Yeah, you don't wanna be stuck with us for the next five weeks.
Ross: So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place?
Joey: Uh it's perfect!
Ross: How about you?
Chandler: It's a kitchen slash bathroom.
Ross: All right, I see what you guys are saying. I'll uh, I'll go downstairs fill out an application.
Chandler: We are bad people.
Joey: He knew we were trying to get rid of him. He knew! You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen?
Larry: Hey, ready for dinner?
Phoebe: Ooh, absolutely!
Larry: Great! Uh you wanted to go the Italian place down on Bleaker Street right?
Phoebe: Ooh, I love that place! So, no.
Larry: How about Mama Lisettie's?
Phoebe: Enh. Sure!
Larry: I wonder how long that milk's been setting out.
Phoebe: Oh, no, no, this place is totally healthy! That- this milk is mine. I bought this, today, cause I was thirsty for milk, you know.
Phoebe: Ok, let's go.
Larry: Hey, buddy! You familiar with the uh Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material be taken out the back exit?
Gunther: But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place.
Larry: Oh, so you're saying you'd choose convenience over health? !
Gunther: Would you be interested in a...free coffee?
Phoebe: Ok, stop! Larry, ok, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy?
Phoebe: You know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like, ok, so where are we gonna eat ever?
Larry: Well, I suppose I could, give him a warning.
Phoebe: Thank you. Ok, go! Go! Go! Now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose.
Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet!
Chandler: Yes, that was a nice place!
Chandler: Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!
Chandler: What are we gonna do?
Joey: I don't know. Maybe pizza?
Chandler: About Ross!
Joey: Oh! Oh!
Joey: Hello! Oh, yeah! It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable.
Chandler: Of course he has a big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. Well, who doesn't love dogs? Ah, he's a tap dancer! Yes, some would say that is a lost art.
Chandler: He's a pimp! There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! Hello?
Rachel: Ok honey. I'm ready.
Monica: What are you doing?
Rachel: I am gonna wander into the party and I will be all you know: " Ooh I don't need this. I'm coming from a regatta gala."
Monica: Did you get this out of a book?
Rachel: Monica, honey, this is as real as it gets.
Rachel: Shh-shh! this is never gonna work. He's right there.
Monica: So just go over and say hi.
Rachel: No, I have to go downstairs, come back up as if I'm coming home from the regatta gala. Ok? So just go distract him. But don't be sexy.
Monica: Hey, Danny!
Danny: Hey! What's going on?
Monica: Oh, it's a great party! Great food. Oh! You know, most parties, it's uh, it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. So umm, what's this?
Monica: Ooooh! And-and-and what-what's this?
Danny: Bread. Aren't you, aren't you a chef?
Danny: Hey! Rachel!
Rachel: Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party.
Danny: Oh wow, you look great! I'm-I'm glad you could make it.
Rachel: Oh yeah, well you know, the gala had to end sometime.
Danny: Don't go anywhere, be right back.
Rachel: Yeah, sure. All right, whose court is the ball in now?
Monica: I-I thought there wasn't a ball.
Rachel: Come on! He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all over the place!
Danny: Rachel, this is my friend Tom. This is the girl I told you about.
Rachel: Oh, come on! You tell people about me?
Danny: You two could really hit it off! I'm gonna go mingle.
Tom: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies.
Rachel: Yeah, ok, at ease solider!
Tom: I'm sorry?
Rachel: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act tommy. I know what's going on here. You're Danny's wing-man right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros!
Tom: I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, you-you go talk to your friend. Go tell him, "Nice try."
Rachel: Man! You know, he just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking them right out of the park!
Monica: I think I need a drink.
Chandler: 98.99.100. Ok, go!
Joey: Dude, I'm telling ya, I'm fine!
Chandler: Here we go! Here we go!
Ross: So I uh, I didn't get that apartment. Some problem with my application.
Joey: You're kidding!
Chandler: You're kidding, no!
Ross: Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe said that I could stay at her place for a while. So...
Joey: But you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross! We're-we're roomiers!
Ross: Look, you guys don't need me here taking up all your space.
Joey: Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's still some over there by-by that speaker. Please, just stay!
Ross: Are you guys sure about this?
Chandler: Yes! Ross, you have to stay!
Ross: All right.
Joey: All right!
Chandler: All right, buddy!
Ross: So I'm a pimp huh?
Ross: It's ok! Look, I know that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass, but you just have to talk to me.
Ross: Tell me if something is bothering you ok? And for my part I'll really do everything I can to keep my annoying habits you know just...
Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?
Ross: Come on, it's fun!
Chandler: All right!
Chandler:Isn't this a woman's hat?
Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!