Monica: I can't believe we've never done this before! It's so good! So good for Monica!
Chandler: Ok, time's up! My turn!
Monica: That was a half an hour?
Chandler: It's your timer.
Monica: You know, I don't like to brag about it, but I give, like the best massages!
Chandler: All right, then massage me up right nice!
Chandler: Ah! Ahh! Ahh!
Monica: So good, isn't it?
Chandler: It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it!
Monica: Callie' now stop trying to add more time to your massage. Say goodbye to sore muscles!
Chandler: Goodbye muscles!
Chandler: I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever! Ok, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just- I didn't know what it was!
Joey: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her.
Chandler: Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Ok, I'm not gonna screw that up by, you know, telling the truth.
Joey: Whoa, dude, look-look out! Dude, you almost crushed my hat!
Chandler: And the bunny got away.
Ross: This would be the place where you explain the hat.
Joey: Oh. Ok. This is called a top hat.
Ross: And why are you wearing this...? Is it "top hat"?
Joey: Oh! Yeah, look there's this play, right? And I'm up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse.
Joey: So I figure, everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kind of, you know, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff.
Chandler: And you're gonna make them all disappear.
Joey: Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this.
Rachel: Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't you just come down to the store? I'll help you out.
Joey: Great! Thanks, Rach!
Rachel: Sure! God, please take those off! Joey: All right.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, how's it going?
Phoebe: Umm, well, only ok, cause I just got back from, from the hospital.
Ross: Is everything ok?
Joey: Are you all right?
Phoebe: Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm ok, but umm, my Grandma sort of died.
Joey: Pheebs! Sorry!
Phoebe: It's ok, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, you know she's gonna visit.
Rachel: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now?
Phoebe: Yeah, right. Her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the coffee house!
Monica: Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside.
Ross: Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died.
Monica: Ohh my God, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: It's ok. Actually you know what, it's kinda cool. Cause it's like, you know, one life ends and another begins.
Monica: Not the way they're doing it. What, what happened? Sorry- How did she die?
Phoebe: Well, ok we were in the market, and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back upagain.
Joey: Pheebs, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was: "Ok dear, you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout counter."
Phoebe: You know what? We will meet at the checkout counter.
Rachel: Ok, now Joey, you know that since you're returning all of this stuff after the audition you're gonnahave to wear underwear?
Joey: All right, well you'd better show me some of that too then.
Rachel: Ok, it's missing something. Ooh, I know! Umm, ok.
Joey: Really? A purse?
Rachel: It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag.
Joey: It looks like a woman's purse.
Rachel: No, Joey, look. Trust me, I tell you, all the men are carrying them in the spring catalog. Look. Seelook, men, carrying the bag.
Joey: See, look, women, carrying the bag.
Joey: But it is odd how a woman's purse looks good on me, a man.
Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!
Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.
Ursula: Who is it?
Phoebe: It's Phoebe.
Ursula: Oh great! Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
Phoebe: Umm, well I sorta have some bad news, can I come in?
Ursula: Umm, yeah- no thanks.
Phoebe: Umm, well, umm, grandma died today.
Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?
Phoebe: No, she just died today! Umm, ok, we're having a memorial service tomorrow.
Ursula: Ok, I know I went to that all ready.
Phoebe: No you didn't!
Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?
Phoebe: Well, lots of people!
Phoebe: Look, are you coming to memorial service or not?
Ursula: Umm, no. See, I already thought she was dead so I've kinda made my peace with it. And plus I'm goingto a concert tomorrow. So...I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.
Phoebe: Fine. Ok, enjoy your concert.
Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.
Chandler: Wow! You look just like your son, Mrs. Tribbiani!
Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag?
Joey: At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book! Ross: Your make-up!
Rachel: Joey, what're you doing with the bag? Your audition is not on till tomorrow.
Joey: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now.
Rachel: Joey, you know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it.
Joey: Why would I ever return this? I love this bag!
Rachel: All right, well then you owe me $350.
Joey: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard?
Joey: All right relax, look, I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am definitely gonna get thanks to you.
Ross: What's the part, Auntie Mame?
Rachel: Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's sexy.
Phoebe: Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so much for coming! Oh ok, here's your umm, 3-D glasses, and Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on.
Rachel: Hi, sweetie!
Ross: Hey, how're you holding up?
Joey: Hey Pheebs, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: Hey, you know what? My grandma had the exact same bag!
Joey: Here, I brought you some flowers.
Phoebe: Oh, thanks!
Chandler: Yeah, pulling flowers out of it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.
Man: Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial?
Phoebe: Yeah, welcome.
Man: Hello. Hello.
Phoebe: Umm here's your 3-D glasses.
Man: Oh, umm, all right.
Phoebe: So, how did you know Francis?
Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her for years. But umm, well I-I was pretty tight with-withher and her daughter.
Phoebe: Really? ! What's your name?
Man: Frank Buffay.
Frank Sr. : You know what? Strike that. My name uh, actually is-is Joe. Uh, Joe umm, Hill.
Phoebe: You're Frank Buffay?
Frank Sr. :Shh! No! Joe Hill!
Phoebe: You just said...Frank Sr. :You know what, I gotta go. And thank you so much for coming.
Phoebe: But...Oh my God!
Monica: What? ! What honey?
Ross: What happened?
Phoebe: That was my dad!
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: Hey you guys, check it out. Check it out. It's like it's coming right at me.
Monica: Did you catch him?
Ross: Wh-what did he say? !
Phoebe: He said, uh "Nice to meet you Glenda." Well, obviously I couldn't give him my real name?
Rachel: Why? ! Why not? !
Phoebe: Come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! What do you think? He's gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned!
Joey: What did you say to him?
Phoebe: Well, I said, I told him that you know, I was the executor person of Francis' will and that I neededto talk to him so, I'm gonna meet him at the coffee house later.
The Pastor: Could everyone please take their seats?
Phoebe: All right, well, I just can't think about that now. I, I just wanna say goodbye to my Grandma.
Monica: Come on, let's go say good-bye.
Joey: Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look?
Rachel: Ahhh, I think you look great! Joey, that bag is gonna get you that part.
Chandler: And a date with a man!
Joey: You know what? Make fun all you want. This, is a great bag! Ok? And it's as handy as it is becoming.
Joey: Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All right? So from now on youguys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey, comes with a bag!
Phoebe: All right, I gotta go too. I gotta go meet my dad.
Rachel: Ooh, Pheebs, what're you gonna say? Are you gonna tell him who you are?
Phoebe: Umm, no, not at first Cause I-I don't wanna freak him out.
Ross: Well, but aren't you pissed at him? ! I mean this guy abandoned you! I gotta tell you if you were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger!
Ross: I mean I-I-I'd walk in there I'd be like, "Yo, dad! You and me outside right now!" I kinda scared myself.
Monica: Well, at least you scared someone.
Phoebe: You know it's funny, you'd think I'd be angry. I mean, you'd think I'd wanna rip his tiny little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it.
Monica: Phoebe, you do seem a little tense. Here, let me help ya.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Phoebe: Oh! Get off! Ow! Oh, stop it! Why? ! Why are you doing that to me? !
Monica: What're you talking about?
Phoebe: As a masseuse and a human, I'm begging you, never do that to anyone!
Monica: I give good massages! I mean I used to give them to Rachel all the time before she got allergic! And-and-and Chandler, like loves them! Watch!
Phoebe: He-he does not like it! He hates it! He's in pain!
Monica: No he's not!
Chandler: Yes, he is!
Chandler: I'm sorry but, ow-owww-owww!
Monica: You've been lying to me? I-I can't believe you do that.
Ross: Well, maybe he just didn't wanna hurt your feelings.
Monica: But the minute we start to lie to each other...
Monica: And by 'we' I mean society.
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
Joey: Ok. Well, you must be new here. We get a table and I'll buy you a drink.
The Casting Director: I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?
Joey: Yeah, sure. Well, you must be new here. Maybe we sit- I'm sorry, can I ask you something?
The Casting Director: Sure. What?
Joey: Well, first it's not a purse.
The Casting Director: Ok, anytime.
Joey: I mean if-if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not. It's a man's bag!
The Casting Director: Okay! And, go!
Joey: All right look, let me show you the catalog! I- Look- See? Huh? It's the latest thing! Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyone's carrying them!
The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags?
Joey: No. No-no-no, these babies sell themselves.
The Casting Director: Ok! Thank you! That was great!
Joey: Yeah but I didn't even read anything.
The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!
Joey: Ok! All right, I'll see you. We got it! We got it!
Chandler: Hey, is Rachel here?
Chandler: Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. You know? I-I really like 'em.
Monica: Oh, please, stop! Ok, we're supposed to be honest with each other. I-I just wish you could tell me- just say, "I don't like your massages."
Chandler: I don't like your massages.
Monica: See? It's no big deal.
Chandler: Ok, but now see you're crying!
Monica: I'm not crying about that! I'm crying about something that happened at work.
Monica: My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages.
Chandler: It's ok, you don't have to be the best at everything.
Monica: Oh my God! You don't know me at all!
Chandler: Ok, you give the worst massages in the world.
Monica: I'm crying here!
Chandler: Look, hear me out. Ok? You give the best bad massages.
Chandler: If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best of that?" They'd have to go to you.
Monica: Huh. So you're saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad massage, well who would get that?
Chandler: Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes!
Monica: So maybe they could umm, call the award the Monica?
Monica: Ok. I suck!
Phoebe: Thank you for meeting with me.
Frank Sr. : Thank you. All right.
Phoebe: Come, sit. Sit. Sit! Umm, all righty, um, before we get started I just- I need you to state for the you know official record that you are in fact Frank Buffay.
Frank Sr. : Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm.
Frank Sr. : So, what did Francis leave me?
Frank Sr. : Well, that's why you wanted-wanted me to come, right?
Phoebe: Oh yes. Yes. Yeah- no, she did. She left you umm, this lipstick.
Frank Sr. : Oh. Huh. It's huh, well it's oh it's- ew used. Umm, cool.
Phoebe: Ok. I have just a few questions to ask so I'm gonna get out my official forms. Ok, so, question 1, you and uh, you were married to Francis' daughter Lilly, is that correct?
Frank Sr. : Yes, yes I was.
Phoebe: Ok, umm, question 2, umm, did that marriage end A.Happily; B.Medium; or C.In the total abandonment of her and her two children?
Frank Sr. : It really says that?
Phoebe: Yeah. See?
Frank Sr. : Well then I guess then I-I would have to say C.
Phoebe: Hmm, ok, total abandonment. Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Ok, reasons for abandonment, um, A.Top secret government work; B.Amnesia, or C. you're just a, selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man?
Frank Sr. : You know what, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. But umm...Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give Lilly that, please?
Phoebe: What? !
Frank Sr. : Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would you give her that, that note? Because I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her getting mad at me the way you got mad at me and I felt, right, chickened out.
Frank Sr. : So, uh, I wrote her that note, would you give it to her please?
Phoebe: But you-you-you came to see Lilly?
Frank Sr. : Yeah, yeah. Why?
Phoebe: Lilly's dead.
Frank Sr. : She what? !
Phoebe: She's dead.
Frank Sr. : Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she isn't cremating her was a big mistake.
Frank Sr. : I can't believe this. I just- I can't believe this. How-how- oh my God. How, how long ago?
Phoebe: 17 years ago.
Frank Sr. : Oh! What, what about the girls?
Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in SoHo. And Phoebe, is on this couch.
Phoebe: Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you, huh.
Frank Sr. : Phoebe, I-I-I, umm, Oops. I just, I-I-I-I don't know, I don't know what to say. I just can't believe that you're my daughter, you're so pretty.
Phoebe: Yes. Well, that's neither here nor there.
Frank Sr. : So would it, would it make you feel better if I said that I was very, very sorry I left?
Phoebe: You know what, it doesn't matter what you say it's not gonna make a difference anyway, so you can just go.
Frank Sr. : All right. Well, you know, in my defense I was a lousy father.
Phoebe: That's a defense?
Frank Sr. : Yes. I-, it is. I burned the formula and I put your diapers on backwards. I mean, I made up a song to sing you to sleep, but that made you cry even more!
Phoebe: You make up songs?
Frank Sr. : Well no, just-just that one. But, it was stupid. I-, Let's see, how did it, how did it go. Umm.Yeah, ok
Frank Sr. : Sleepy girl, sleepy girl. Why won't you go to sleep? Sleepy girl, sleepy girl. You're, you're, you're keeping me up! Yeah.
Frank Sr. : I just, I you know, I'm not very good at this. So, umm...
Phoebe: Well, I am.
Phoebe: Not yet, no.
Chandler: Hey man, how did the audition go?
Joey: Estelle said I didn't get it.
Rachel: What? ! Why? Joey you were so ready for it!
Joey: Yeah, I thought so too but, she said the casting people had some problems with me.
Ross: What kind of problem?
Joey: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, they had a problem with the bag!
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: You know what? It was a stupid play anyway!
Monica: You know, Joey, I think it's time to give up the bag.
Joey: I don't wanna give up the bag. I don't have to give up the bag! Do I Rach? You think I should give up the bag!
Rachel: Honey wait, Joey, I'm sorry, I mean as terrific as I think you are with it...
Chandler: Oh, hey!
Rachel: I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag.
Joey: I can't believe I'm hearing this!
Rachel: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a bag, I just- it's just there are other bags. You know, that are maybe a little less umm,controversial.
Chandler: Yeah umm, they're called wallets.
Joey: You're right. You're right. This-this bag has become like a part of me. You know? It's like...my bag. You know, I had a place for everything. It's- Oh Man!
Joey: There's a whole series of pockets here I didn't even know about, Rach. Look.
Phoebe: Ursula, I have the most amazing news. I found our dad. Phoebe!
Phoebe: Your sister. And I found our dad. John Glenn? John Glenn is not our dad. No, I will not join you in the lawsuit against him.
Phoebe: It- it doesn't matter that he wasn't there while we were growing up. He's not our father! What do you mean that's for a jury to decide?