Joey: Ok, pick a card.
Joey: All right now, memorize it. You got it?
Joey: Ok. Is that your card?
Carol: Hey guys!
All: Hi there!
Carol: Guess what? Ben is gonna be in a TV commercial!
Phoebe: What're you talking about? !
Ross: Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute...
Ross: You know, which he is- umm anyway, we uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.
Joey: Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition? !
Joey: I mean, way to go Ben! Man! I've been in that park a million times, no one ever offered me an audition.
Ross: I know, it's crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings...
Joey: I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong? !
Rachel: Ok, gotta go! Wish me luck! Ross & Joey: Good Luck!
Chandler: Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?
Rachel: Uh, well, you know what? I don't know if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day...
Chandler: Unwilling to steal from work, interesting.
Monica: Besides, if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me.
Rachel: Ok guys, way to wish me luck!
All: Good luck! Go get 'em!
Phoebe: Ok, let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, but her birthday isn't like for another month.
Phoebe: Ok but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise.
Monica: I think it's a great idea. Yeah, we-we can have a dinner party and just invite her close friends.
Joey: Ross! We're having a surprise party for Rachel!
Phoebe: Ok, great, so do you wanna do it together?
Monica: I would love to do it together!
Joey: They're gonna do it together.
Chandler: Dude! That's my girlfriend!
Joey: What, so I gotta shut it down now?
Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben and then we're off to the big audition.
Monica: It's gonna be weird seeing some actor pretending to be Ben's dad.
Chandler: Weirder than seeing his two moms make out?
Joey: Whoa-whoa dad? There's a dad in the commercial?
Ross: Yeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it.
Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with you and see if I can get an audition as the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather.
Ross: You're not his godfather.
Joey: What? ! Are you kidding? !
Ross: Of course I am! Ok, let's go, godfather.
Joey: All right!
Joey: Hey! I'm in, they're gonna let me audition!
Ross: Really? That's great!
Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her. Hey, and the other one I know from...well you know.
Carol: Hey, that kid looks familiar.
Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company.
Joey: In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was maaaad...
Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. All right? Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him,look at you.
Joey: That's great. Listen, wouldn't it be great though if I got to play Ben's dad?
Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben.
Joey: I look more like him than you do!
Carol: You know, I really don't know you well enough for you to do that.
Kim: So it's down to these two, Nancy I know you like this one and I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think?
Rachel: Well, umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric Sorry.
Kim: Oh, don't be sorry, that's part of your job here to give your opinions. And then I take credit for them- I'm kidding.
Nancy: She is kidding, but, don't ever disagree with her again. Ok, now I'm kidding!
Rachel: Oh, what a fun office.
Kim: I don't know which one, but I do know, I need a cigarette. So what do you say we take a break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out when we come back?
Kim: You smoke?
Rachel: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories...about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke.
Rachel: And then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the decisions without me!
Monica: That doesn't seem fair.
Rachel: I know! It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting poisonous habit!
Chandler: Yeah, it is the best.
Rachel: I mean what if this keeps happening? You know, they'll-they'll be outside smoking, making all the decisions, and I'll just be up in my office breathing my stupid clean air.
Rachel: You know? And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do you think she's gonna pick? Me or smokey smokerson?
Chandler: You know, we used to have a smoking area at work. It was great. There was this big flowerpot withdirt in it. And we used to put like our cigarettes out in it.
Chandler: One of the old-timers told me there used to be a little tree in there.
Monica: Rachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke. Just, say you wanna get some fresh air.
Rachel: Yeah, I can do that.
Chandler: Yeah, or you can just do the easy thing and smoke. You gotta take long, deep drags. Wow, I still don't have my lung capacity back yet.
Phoebe: Oh-hey Rach, you wanna go get coffee?
Rachel: Aw, I would love to!
Phoebe: Oh, good!
Chandler: I wanna go too babe.
Phoebe: Oh good. Yay.
Rachel & Chandler: Yay.
Phoebe: All right, I changed my mind! Ok, let's talk about the party! I've so many ideas!
Monica: Oh, me too!
Phoebe: Oh, look at that.
Monica: All right, a little sketch of the cake, see? umm some sample menus, umm you know I thought we'd start out with Tuscan style finger food, ok?
Monica: And for music, here's an alphabetized list of all of my CDs! I've highlighted the ones that'll go really good with the food.
Phoebe: What happened to the intimate dinner party?
Monica: Oh you know, we're not doing that. Ok...
Phoebe: So wow, all right, it looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.
Monica: Whaaat? I didn't take care of everything, there's-there's plenty of things for you to do!
Phoebe: Uh-huh, like what?
Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups?
Monica: And ice!
Phoebe: Cups and ice? Ooh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? All right. Fine, ok, I will be in charge of cups and ice!
Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant...
Phoebe: I got it! Mine!
Monica: Hey! How'd the audition go? !
Ross: Not so good.
Monica: Wait a minute, are you doing Joey's "Audition didn't go so well. Yeah it did?"
Ross: Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second audition!
Monica: That's great!
Joey: Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit Cause I actually didn't get a callback.
Monica: You got a callback too didn't ya?
Joey: Yeah I did!
Kim: Hey Rachel, what're you doing out here?
Rachel: Well, it got kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here and get some fresh air.
Kim: Nancy and I were just talking about the fall collection.
Rachel: Oh great!
Kim: So anyway, we really...Honey, I'm sorry, we're just smoking all over you. Nancy: Oh, sorry!
Rachel: Oh that's ok.
Kim: No-no-no, we'll move, you stay right here.
Nancy: You know I sent the designs over to Ralph and he's very excited about the lure.
Kim: Oh, that's great! You are the best!
Rachel: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? Yeah, you know what, actually...Ok, ok, ok, what's so funny over here?
Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke.
Rachel: Oh, you know, I-I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, you know? You know what I mean, like doobies?
Rachel: And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time.
Kim: We get high.
Rachel: Oh, me too.
Kim: I'm kidding.
Rachel: Oh, me-me too.
Ross: Oh God, this is so nerve-wracking! How, how do you do this?
Joey: Well, fortunately, I don't get many callbacks, so...
Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?
Joey: Who knows?
The Casting Director: Ok, uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.
Ross: Yes! I knew it! Bye-bye! So long! Later!
Carol: I'm not married to him anymore! He's my ex-husband! I'm totally gay!
Joey: Oh this is great! I might actually get to play Ben's dad!
The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So, it'll be either you two or you two.
Joey: Man, this's gonna be kinda weird.
Ross: Yeah, it is.
Kyle: Yeah. It's gonna be weird.
Ross: No, we-we're like best friends, that's, that's why it's weird.
Kyle: Oh, oh, I, I thought we were just, talking.
Chandler: Hey Ross, if Ben gets the commercial, do you think you can get me some free soup?
Ross: Chandler, a can of soup is like 60 cents.
Joey: Yeah, ok, but I have been supporting a 29-year-old Italian for five years.
Ross and Chandler: Hi!
Phoebe: Is it ok, if I leave this stuff here 'til Rachel's birthday party?
Chandler: Ah sure. What's in 'em?
Phoebe: Umm, cups.
Chandler: Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.
Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups.
Phoebe: Yeah well, that's Cause I'm in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice.
Chandler: You know I rued the day once...didn't get a whole lot else done.
Phoebe: Ok, time to bring up the rest of the cups. Oh, hi Joey!
Joey: Hey Pheebs! Hey!
Joey: Ross, good, I'm uh glad you're here. I wanna talk to you about something.
Ross: What's up?
Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, you know me going up against Ben, the two of us, competing, and that can't lead to anything good.
Joey: So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.
Ross: Wow, uh, Joey that's-that's great. Thanks man.
Joey: That's it? You're-you're gonna let me do this? ! This-this is my career we're talking about here!
Ross: But, you just...
Joey: I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it! Look, Ross, if anyone should step aside, it should be Ben!
Ross: What? !
Joey: What? Chandler! Tell him!
Chandler: Well I mean, let me get the door first. Oh, hi! No one.
Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you just tagged along! You're like the uh, tag-along dad.
Joey: At least I care about his feelings!
Ross: Wh-y, what? !
Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn't get it?
Ross: And why wouldn't he get it?
Joey: Oh, come on! Have you seen what my kid can do? ! Huh? ! I mean he dials phones! He-he-he eats tortillachips! He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!
Ross: Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?
Joey: You just give him a spoon baby!
Ross: Oh yeah? I guess we'll see!
Joey: Yeah! Because this commercial belongs to me, and Mitch!
Ross: You're kid's name is Raymond!
Joey: Yeah? ! So's yours!
Monica: How did work go?
Rachel: Oh it was great! It was great! I went down there just like you said, you know? And we talked business. And Kim totally took my opinions.
Monica: You stink!
Monica: No, I'm-I'm serious!
Rachel: Well-well that's just Cause I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success.
Chandler: Ok, there's something different though- Oh my God! You smoked!
Rachel: I did not!
Chandler: Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked!
Rachel: All right, fine! But I had to! I had to do it for my career!
Chandler: I wish I had smoked for my career...
Monica: That's so gross!
Rachel: No well, no it's not that bad, you know? It's, I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and thesefingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up.
Monica: Can you hear yourself?
Rachel: I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I-I-I'm not myself. I-I-I smoked like half a pack. I feel a little shaky and a little weird.
Chandler: Ok, but you gotta push past this ok? Because it is about to get so good!
Monica: Chandler! Oh, I gotta tell you, you smell so smoky I-I-I gotta get up. I'm not kidding.
Chandler: I think you smell great!
Kim: So, we're decided, no on plaid, yes on pink?
Rachel: I am so on board!
Kim: Rachel, didn't you just light that?
Rachel: Yeah. . but, you know what? I'm just, I'm really, really trying to cut back, you know? Good luck, Rach.
Nancy: I've actually been thinking about quitting lately.
Kim: Oh, sure, every Sunday night I'm telling myself I'm quitting every Monday morning it's like...
Nancy: Tell me about it!
Rachel: Well then let's just quit! We'll just quit! Let's all quit!
Kim: It does sound appealing.
Nancy: I never could do it.
Rachel: Oh but you could. You can. Absolutely! We can help each other out! You know, we can get- one of those patches! We could be like the Patch Sisters!
Kim: Oh you know, we really should quit. Ok, let's quit!
Rachel: Yes! Great! Give me those cigs! Come on! Give it! Give it!
Kim: My late husband gave me that lighter. I'm not kidding.
Rachel: Ok then!
Joey: Hmmm, soup! Hmm soup! Hmm, soup!
Carol: Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for me while I use the ladies' room?
Joey: Yeah-oh yeah, no problem.
Joey: Hmm soup.
Joey: Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability.
Joey: I mean one day you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle. It's a tough life.
Joey: I mean, sure, you can get up whenever you want, watch TV all day...meet tons of woman in acting class. Oh, who am I kidding. I can't talk you out of this. It's a great life!
Ross: Ben! I mean, Ben! Ben!
The Casting Director: Ok, Raymond, Joey you're up.
The Casting Director: Ok. So here's what...are-are you sure that I haven't seen you somewhere before?
Joey: No, I haven't been in any plays.
The Casting Director: All right, well, let's umm, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready.
The Casting Director: Is there a problem?
Joey: Well this is noodle soup and uh, I've been working with tomato. But that's ok, no problem. No problem.Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: You know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."
Joey: Oh, what did I say?
The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.
Joey: How's that different? Oh! Right! Yeah!
The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.
Joey: Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: Ok. Let's do it again.
Joey: Hmm, soup. I mean, noodle soup. I mean soup!
Raymond: Come on! !
The Casting Director: You-you know what? We need to move on.
Joey: Oh! No! I-I can do it one more time! I- See? Look! Hmm, noodle soup. Damn it!
Rachel: So I think that if we get these samples into the magazine by Monday, we'll gonna be fine.
Kim: Sounds good.
Kim: So, Rach, how're you doing?
Rachel: I'm great!
Kim: No, with the not-smoking thing.
Rachel: Oh...well...kill...me now.
Rachel: Let me tell you something, I ate 40 Mallomars today. I mean, I have- I have patches all over my body, you know? I mean, I haven't slept in two days.
Kim: We quit yesterday.
Rachel: That's counting today. But anyway, so these samples, I think, that, like I was saying...
Nancy: Oh my god. Oh I'm so sorry, I forgot I...I have to go the mailroom and mail some proofs.
Kim: Go ahead. Rachel and I will just sit here and keep brainstorming.
Rachel: Umm, also Vogue called. And they were wondering if you were...
Kim:You know what? I'm a little hungry. I'm just gonna run down to the vending machines.
Rachel: Oh, all right...A...ahhh...
Kim: Uh-oh, busted!
Rachel: Come on, you guys! What are you doing? ! I thought we were the patch sisters!
Kim: Yeah. That didn't work out.
Rachel: Well, but wait a minute, what about all we've talked about? That you know, the disgusting place, theugly people! Hey how you doing?
Nancy: Rachel, we tried to quit, but it was too hard!
Rachel: Well, you know if you, if you started smoking again you could've at least told me! Come on, give me one of those! What're we talking about?
Kim: No. No! You're doing great! Don't you give up! That's why we didn't tell you and we're not gonna drag you down with us.
Rachel: Oh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down. Drag-drag me down.
Kim: Forget it Rachel! We're both so proud of how well you're doing. I'm not gonna let you blow it. In fact,if I catch you with a cigarette, you're fired.
Kim: So go on, get out of here! Go on, I don't want you breathing this stuff! Go on! Rachel: All right.
Kim: So, ok! So you'll come with me on the Paris trip.
Rachel: Oh man!
Phoebe: Hey, Check it out! Um, cup hat! Cup banner! Cup chandelier! And the thing that started it all, the cup!
Chandler: Great job with the cups, Pheebs!
Monica: Why don't you just go out with her!
Phoebe: And did you notice the ice? Look! We have it all! We have crushed! Cubed! And dry! Watch! Ahhh! Mystical!
Monica: Everyone, no one's eating my Tuscan finger food Cause they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones!
Chandler: There are snow cones? ! Snow cones! Yuck!
Monica: You know...go! Go! Right there! Chandler: Thank you! Thank you!
Monica: You really did do a nice job.
Phoebe: Thank you...for stating the obvious.
Monica: I deserve that. I just want you to know that, umm, if we ever co-host a party together again, you can do whatever you want.
Phoebe: You know, Joey's got a birthday coming up.
Monica: Really? What do you wanna do?
Phoebe: Umm, ok, I'd like to be in charge of beer.
Monica: Well, then there's nothing left for me!
Phoebe: Oh, look! Look! Look!
Rachel: What? ! What- My birthday's not for another month!
Monica: That's the surprise!
Rachel: Oh my God! You guys, this is so great! It's so unexpected! I mean Chandler's birthday is even beforemine!
Rachel: Wow! This is so great! Look at all these, cups! This is so weird.
Phoebe: I was in charge of cups.
Rachel: Oh, ok, not so weird.
Monica: Chandler, what're you doing?
Monica: What's in your hand?
Chandler: Money. I'm stealing all the money.
Chandler: But just one, ok? Because nobody knows when my birthday is.
Monica: Let me make this clear to you ok? It's either that or this...
Chandler: They were menthol.
Ross: Listen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition didn't go well.
Joey: Yeah right!
Ross: No really, I, I am! I feel bad!
Joey: Yeah? Well look, Ross, you don't have to. Ok? It's not your fault I suck. You know I mean what kind ofan actor can't even say, "Hmm, noodle soup."
Ross: Hey you know what? Maybe-maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck, maybe you messed up because you care more about uh, your godson.
Joey: What do you mean?
Ross: I think, subconsciously...
Joey: You lost me. Wait-whoa-whoa, you lost me.
Ross: I think, on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so Ben would get the part.
Joey: Well, your way sounds a lot better than mine. Yeah. Yeah! It's not that I'm a bad actor...
Joey: No, it's just ah, I care so damn much about little Ben, that uh, it was more important for me to see him succeed.
Ross: There you go. Thank you!
Joey: Thank you! So, did-did he get it?
Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do?
Chandler: Oh, hi! Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to meet her for lunch.
Kim: Oh, she doesn't come down here anymore. You can find her up on ten.
Chandler: Ok, great.
Kim: So, we talked about the whole presentation yesterday at lunch and he wondered if one person would be, enough made him take on the trip and I said, "Yeah, absolutely!"
Chandler: I'll catch you guys later.