Rachel: Monica, which of all of this kitchen stuff is mine?
Monica: This bottle opener.
Monica: And it's a magnet!
Rachel: Look at that!
Ross: How weird is that? You know? You're moving in with me and and you have the one thing I don't have. It's like uh, in a way you you complete me… in kitchen.
Ross: You complete me kitchen, matey!
Phoebe: Ross, I know what you're thinking.
Phoebe: That she's gonna move in with you and then maybe she'll fall in love with you and then when she finds out you're already married, oh she'll just be happy. You know? You're just, you're very sad.
Ross: Oh...my...God! I I see what this is! You are in love with Rachel!
Phoebe: What? !!
Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you you're obsessed with her. It's always, ‘Ross, what're you gonna do about Rachel?’ ‘Ross, why why're you moving in with Rachel?’ ‘When're you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?’ You want her!
Ross: Uh oh, saved by the bell. Hello?
Monica: Hey Rach, aren't these candlesticks mine?
Rachel: No no, I bought those.
Monica: Ohh! Right, I forgot. Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: That you're a liar.
Ross: No no no, that's great! I'll be there Monday. And thank you again! Ok. Umm. That was the head of the Paleontology Department at N uh, Y, uh U!
Monica: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say?
Ross: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved it.
Rachel: Well, who wouldn't? !
Ross: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! I mean it's temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. How great would that look great on a mailbox, huh? ‘Professor Geller’.
Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs.
Rachel: And Mrs. ?!
Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, you know, you and Ross are still married.
Rachel: What? !!
Phoebe: Just kidding!
Rachel: Ohh! Oh God!
Phoebe: Saved your ass.
Chandler: Oh, what's the matter?
Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see?
Phoebe: Well, she told me that I'm gonna die this week, so I'm kinda bummed about that.
Chandler: What? !
Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys don't know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worst one you can get.
Monica: Phoebe that's crazy!
Joey: I can't believe she would say that to you.
Rachel: Yeah honey you don't believe her do you?
Phoebe: I don't she, you know, said that I'd have triplets! But she also said one of them would be black.
Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you're gonna go?
Phoebe: No, 'cause she didn't tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session.
Phoebe: And I was not going to waste a whole another hour there! I mean I've only got a week left, you know? I really gotta start living now!
Ross: Hey everyone!
Chandler: Oh hi!
Ross: Hey uh, well, today's my first lecture and I kinda wanted to try it out on you guys, do you, do you mind?
All: Oh that'd be great. Sure!
Ross: ‘There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate.’
Ross: ‘Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct...’
Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This what's gonna kill me.
Ross: ‘...subcategories. The first of the subcategories is...’
Joey: Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?
Ross: No. Why?
Joey: Well, I've just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn't've naked chicks on it.
Ross: Ohh! Ok! Ok. ‘There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into…’
Chandler: Why don't you open with a joke?
Ross: Open with a joke? It's a university, not a comedy club!
Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You're not talking about Chuckles University? !
All: Ohh! No no. We're kidding! Oh, we're kidding!
Rachel: Ross, hey, you know what might make it less boring?
Ross: Thank you!
Rachel: Some uh, some visual aids.
Joey: Oh ooh ooh! You know what's a good visual aid?
Ross: Please don't say naked chicks.
Joey: Why not? !
Ross: I I I don't even know why I bothered even talked to you guys about it. You know? I'm just gonna do it on my own, with no naked chicks.
Chandler: That's the way I did it till I was 19. All right, 20.23.
Joey: Hey! Any good mail?
Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor's Guild.
Joey: Ooh, it's probably a residual check, hey, can you open it for me, I, got, um, seem
Chandler: ‘Benefits lapsed.’
Joey: Hmm that's weird. I don't remember being in a movie called ‘Benefits Lapsed’.
Chandler: Ok, it's not a check. They're saying your health insurance expired because…You didn't work enough last year.
Joey: Let me see that!
Chandler: All right.
Joey: Oh, I can't believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, you know? And it wouldn't matter. Now I gotta be careful? !
Chandler: I'm sorry man, there's never a good time to have to stop catching on fire.
Joey: All right, well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I'm gonna go see my agent.
Chandler: Ok, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
Joey: look both ways before you cross the street.
Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, you're still alive! How are you feeling?
Phoebe: Ugh, it's so exhausting waiting for death.
Phoebe: Ohh, by the way, do you think you…
Rachel: Pheebs, what what're you doing?
Phoebe: I was preparing you for my death didn't you think I was dead? Did that not come off?
Rachel: Oh yes, scared the hell out of me. I thought we'd lost you forever. Pheebs, you wanna lie down?
Phoebe: Yeah, thanks.
Phoebe: And listen, can you do me a favor? Could you just umm, wake me up in a couple hours, you know if you can.
Rachel: Monica! Diddid you take these back?
Monica: No, no, I I just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, they're really great! Aren't they?
Monica: I loved them!
Rachel: Yeah. Nice try!
Monica: How'd the lecture go?
Ross: It went great!
Ross: And I didn't need any jokes or naked chicks either!
Rachel: Wow, that's great Ross, I'm sorry we weren't more supportive before.
Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. And everyone's all, ‘Ross you have to be funny and sexy.’
Ross: Well, I proved them wrong! And now, I'm gonna pass the news on to Joey and Chandler.
Monica: That you're not funny or sexy?
Ross: That's right!
Joey: Hey Estelle, listen…
Estelle: Well! Well! Well!
Estelle: Joey Tribbiani! So you came back, huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle!
Joey: What're you talking about? I never left you! You you've always been my agent!
Estelle: Really? !
Estelle: Oh well, no harm, no foul.
Joey: Look, Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I I lost my health insurance.
Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage control.
Estelle: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all over town.
Rachel: Well, we're a little early, the lecture doesn't end for 15 minutes.
Monica: Yeah, but you know what, we could sneak in and watch.
Rachel: Yeah, we could.
Rachel: There's some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. Hey sisters! Wow, we really are bitches.
Ross: Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory. He made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when Oh bloody hell.
Joey: Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow. And I'll have my health insurance back in no time.
Chandler: That's great, but shouldn't you be on the toilet right now? What's wrong with you?
Joey: Nothing! Well, I I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before then I uh passed out and uh, haven't been able to stand up since.
Joey: But um, I don't think it's anything serious you know.
Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to you you go to the doctor!
Joey: No way! Ok look, if I'm gonna go to the doctor for anything, it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach!
Chandler: That's a hernia.
Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? Damn you 15s!
Monica: What the hell are you doing? !
Ross: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was gonna be boring!
Ross: I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out.
Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one.
Ross: Will you will you please?
The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, I'm a professor in the paleontology department here. Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture?
Ross: I'm sorry, I've got plans with my sister.
Monica: Monica Gellerrr.
Ross: Right, will you excuse us for one moment?
Ross: What're you doing?
Monica: Oh, you could have an accent but I can't? !
Monica: How about the morning to ya laddies!
Ross: Just, please stop!
Rachel: Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice time time of year.
Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? Sit down! Will you go to the hospital? !
Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot, probably. Ok? Besides, it's it's getting darker and more painful, that means it's healing.
Chandler: Look, I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let's just get that thing...pushed back in.
Joey: Thank you, but it'd take me forever to pay you back. I don't want that hanging over my head. Ok, Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I'm thinking I'll probably start with that laser eye surgery.
Phoebe: What's going on?
Chandler: Oh Joey's got a really bad hernia, but it's nothing that a little laser eye surgery won't fix!
Joey: Look, I'm I'm telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here it doesn't hurt that bad.
Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die!
Joey: Chandler, I'm scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together! Just don't wait too long though, ok? 'Cause I'm outta here sometime before Friday.
Joey: Yeah, but I don't wanna die!
Phoebe: No no, it'll be fun! We can come back and we can haunt these guys!
Joey: Woo, wait. Could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower?
Chandler: That's my girlfriend.
Joey: Hey, I'm dead!
Monica: Gimme 'em!
Rachel: No! They are mine!
Monica: You stole them from me!
Rachel: You stole them from me! !
Monica: Gimme them! You just wanna each take one?
Rachel: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them.
Ross: Look, I really need some help, ok? Why? Why did I have to speak in a British accent? ! Wh what do we do?
Monica: Well why don't you call Mummy and Daddy?
Ross: I'm serious! Someone's gonna find out I'm a fake and then they're never gonna offer me a job!
Monica: Why don't you phase it out? Yeah, phase the accent out, people will think that you're, you know, that adjusting to life in America.
Rachel: Yeah, I mean, come on, Ross, no one will even notice. I mean they're probably not even listening to you!
Ross: They're not listening to me?
Rachel: Of course they're listening to you! Everybody listens to you.
Ross: Monica, you really think I should try this phasing out thing?
Monica: I think you look fine.
Casting Director #1: Whenever you're ready.
Joey: Ok. ‘Hey, Timmy, I've got a surprise for you.’
Casting Director #1: Hold it. I'm sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less...intense?
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, I'll just hold on one second. Hey, Timmy. I've got a surprise for you!
Casting Director #1: Oh my God!
Joey: So that's why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today!
Casting Director #2: That's where you pick up the bag.
Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so, you need to pick up the bag.
Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. I didn't get it, did I?
Casting Director #2: No.
Joey: Yeah, ok.
Joey: Hi. I'm Joey Tribbiani, I'm here to audition for a man…
Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?
Monica: Ok, come on, do it one more time!
Rachel: Really? Really? !
Rachel:"Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University. We'd like you to come on board with us full time!
Phoebe: Listen to this! My reading was wrong, I'm not going to die.
Rachel: Really? ! How do you know? Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead!
Phoebe: She must've read the cards wrong!
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry.
Phoebe: Eh, better her than me!
Rachel: Hey, let's bake cookies!
Chandler: Listen, I'm really glad you got the part.
Joey: Thank you.
Chandler: But are you sure you can do this?
Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. All right? And thanks again for helping me take a shower.
Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it again? !
The Director: Hey Joey, we're ready for you! Eh, Joey, this is Alex, he's gonna be playing your son.
Joey: Hi Alex! And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants.
The Director: Ok. All right uh, Alex, now when Joey says his line, ‘Take good care of your Momma son.’ That's your cue to cry. Got it? All right, let's do this.
A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 1.
The Director: And Action!
Joey: ‘Take good care of your Momma son.’ ‘Take good care of your Momma son.’ ‘Come on, son! Your Momma's good people!’
The Director: Cut! Alex, remember you're supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?
The Director: All right, from the top.
A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 2. Take 36 is up!
The Director: All right! Let's try this again! You ready Joe?
Joey: Ah, one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right up until you say action?
The Director: Uh, sure.
The Director: Action!
Joey: "Take good care of your Momma."
The Director: Cut!
Chandler: Sorry, hey, hey Joe, why don't you uh, lift up your shirt? Take a look at this kiddo. We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!
Russell: Hello, is Ross there? Rachel: Uh no, he's not. Can I take a message?
Russell: Yes, this is Russell, Ross's divorce lawyer. Just tell him that since I haven't heard from him, I assume he's decided to give the marriage a try.
Rachel: Ross got married again? Nooooooo!
Ross: All right, keep going. We are phasing the accent out, phasing it out. So, without retesting the results in the laboratory. The team would never have identified
Ross: The initial errors in their carbon dating analysis. Were there any questions at this point? Yes.
A Student: What's happening to your accent?
Ross: Come again? What's what's this nonsense?
Ross: All right, I'm I'm not English. I'm from Long Island. I was really nervous and the accent just uh, just came out. I'm sorry.
Ross: So, if we could just get back to the lecture. Umm, were there any questions? About paleontology?
Ross: All right, look, I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up.
Ross: But what you guys think of me is really important because I'm I'm hoping to get a permanent job here.
Ross: So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression...
Rachel: Ross! Are you crazy? ! I am still your wife! What, were you just never gonna tell me? ! What the hell is wrong with you? ! Ugh, I could just kill you!
Ross: Well hello Rachel!
Phoebe: So you've really done this before?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Joey: You just take a big, big swing. Ok? Now, don't hold back.
Chandler: What're you doing?
Phoebe: We're just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back.
Chandler: Oh, all right.
Joey: See, now let's try one without the helmet.
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