Chandler: So, it seems like this uh Internet thing is here to stay uh?
Monica: It's ok not to talk.
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Monica: Oh, my God!
Joey: What is the matter with you? !
Phoebe: No! Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. Who who's Barry and Mindy?
Rachel: Barry was the guy that I almost married and Mindy was my best friend.
Joey: Ohh oh, wasn't he cheating on you with her?
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isn't that sad?
Rachel: God, could you imagine if I actually married him? ! I mean how different would my life be?
Ross: I know what you mean, I've always wondered how different my life would be if if I'd never gotten divorced.
Phoebe: Which time?
Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn't realized she was a lesbian.
Joey: I can't. I keep seeing it the good way.
Ross: I bet I'd still be doing my karatay. towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of karatay as a way of releasing the tension from, you know, not doing anything else physical.
Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it karatay.
Monica: And what if I was still fat? Well, you you wouldn't be dating me, that's for sure.
Chandler: Sure I would!
All: Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah, oh, right!
Chandler: What, you guys really think that I'm that shallow?
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
Joey: Hey hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! Hey, hey, there's Carol again!
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I'd probably be writing for The New Yorker, being paid to be funny.
Chandler: But my job's fun too! I mean, tomorrow, I I don't have to wear a tie.
Phoebe: What if I'd taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
Ross: What? !
Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there andand he said I had a knack for stocks.
Rachel: Well why didn't you take the job?
Phoebe: Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So, I thought, you know, if I'd worked with stocks, I'd have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.
Chandler: Yeaaaah...you don't want that in a broker.
Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we'd still hang out?
Ross: Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel: Rob Tillman!
Ross: No, no. It's, it's me, Ross!
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Ross Tillman.
Ross: No, no no, Ross Geller.
Rachel: Ohh, of course, Monica's brother!
Ross: Yeah. Right.
Rachel: Wow! How are you? !
Ross: Good good, I'm I'm married.
Rachel: Ohh! Me too!
Ross: Is isn't it the best?
Rachel: Oh, it's the best! So, umm how's Monica?
Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! An actually she's right down the street, umm, do you, you know what? You should stop by and say hi.
Rachel: Ohh, I would love to.
Ross: Yeah oh oh, oh, she'd be so excited!
Rachel: Ohh! Ok!
Ross: Come on!
Rachel: Oh wait, don't you have to pay for your, Busty Ladies?
Ross: No no no, that's it's ok. Some some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I...
Rachel: Oh yeah? Okay.
Rachel: What Don't you, to give him his money back?
Ross: Uhhuh. Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. Ok, let's go see Monica!
Joey: So, Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica: He's not boring! He's just, he's just low key.
Monica's Boyfriend: Here you go, one Hazelnut latte.
Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. You know, the hazelnut, actually not a nut, it's a seed.
Joey: Wow! !
Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed that's been masquerading as a nut?
Joey: Oh dear God, let me see.
Monica: Oh no! What's the matter?
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Monica's Boyfriend: You know what honey? I gotta get back to the hospital.
Monica: All right.
Monica's Boyfriend: Ok.
Monica's Boyfriend: Byebye. Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut.
Chandler: Was his question what's more boring than him? And nice sweater vest by the way. Pffft.
Monica: Stop it guys. He's sweet.
Joey: Yeah. Yeah. Hey man, sorry about that Archie thing. Do you uh, need me to give you some money?
Chandler: I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Monica: Hey, maybe Joey doesn't have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants, right?
Joey: That's an idea! Hey, if I hired an assistant, would would you take money from her?
Monica: No, Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Joey: That's great! That would be great! Let's do that!
Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write.
Joey: All right great! Welcome aboard!
Joey: All right! Now, hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don't need any assistance in there, take a break!
Chandler: All right!
Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Phoebe: Ohh, that's so sweet! Oh! Hang on! Hang onnn! Go! No! No no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5O, it's a number! It comes after 49! !
Phoebe: No, it's ok. It's ok, you're allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Phoebe: Aw. Oh what a shame! I really liked her.
Ross: Hey, Mon!
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into!
Monica: Oh my God! Rachel! ! You you look terrific!
Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight?
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Ross: And, you you remember my friend Chandler. And that's Phoebe over there!
Monica: My God, sit down! Sit down. How long has it been since we've seen each other?
Ross: 1987, the day after Christmas, Sean McMahon's party. I played you one of my songs, you know Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So they, are are they still you still, do music?
Ross: Oh sometimes, yeah, you should come over sometime! I'll play you one of my other...
Rachel: Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Monica: Rach, he's a friend of ours.
Rachel: You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
Chandler: Well it's kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he's not real.
Ross: Hey, hey, or I could bring my keyboard here sometime!
Rachel: He's coming over! He's coming over!
Joey: I know, here, here!
Monica: Ohh! No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to high school together.
Rachel: Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your exwife even though she tried to kill you...
Joey: Well, it's always nice to meet the fans.
Joey: She's not crazy, is she?
Joey: So, uh, how you doing?
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Go! Who's this? Oh, ok, you're gonna like working for me. What's your name? What kind of name is Brendy? I...Whatever...Stop talking! All right, frofrom now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Chandler: I can't find my pen. Did you eat that too?
Joey: Hey, there you are!
Chandler: Uhoh, it's my boss!
Joey: All right, here's a list of things for you to do today. Man, this gonna be so great, thank you so much! All right, I gotta go to work I'm delivering twins today, but only one of 'em is mine!
Chandler: Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.
Monica: You realize what you are, don't you?
Monica: You're his bitch.
Phoebe: No no! No!
Monica: Oh wait! You didn't just sit on my KitKats, did you? !
Phoebe: No! There there was a little, a little dip in the market and I lost 13 million dollars.
Chandler: But the KitKats are all right? !
Phoebe: What am I gonna do? ! What am I gonna do? ! I can't call my office they'll kill me! I can't call my clients they'll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hurts.
Monica: What? !
Phoebe: My chest hurts! Oh, and now I I can't breathe.
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack? !
Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?
Phoebe: Then yes that is what I'm having.
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Ok, yeah. Ok, this this thing is useless, so, will you dial 911 for me?
Ross: Come on Pheebs, it's not that bad! You know most people would be excited if they didn't have to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: Yeah, most people don't like their jobs, I love my job! I've been not working for three hours and I'm already going crazy. I miss Joan.
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow it down.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die! But you're not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Monica: Let's take a walk. You know maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine!
Phoebe: So what's going on with you?
Ross: Well, umm, I've been um doing a lot more of my karatay.
Phoebe: Still going through that dry spell with Carol?
Phoebe: Yeah. How long has it been since you had sex?
Ross: Well, last weekend...
Phoebe: Oh that's not so bad.
Ross:...will be two months......since I stopped trying.
Phoebe: Maybe you need to spice things up a little.
Ross: What what do you mean?
Phoebe: I don't know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other...
Phoebe: You know, dirty talk, ménage à trois, toys...Ross: Wow!
Phoebe: Role playing...You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate; she could be the wench!
Ross: Ok, I think I got it.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and you're you're you're rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody's watching! Never happened.
Monica: Sorry. So how's it going with Joey?
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, ‘Bring me food.’ Two is, ‘I'm with a girl, bring us food.’ Three is, ‘I'm lost and I can't find food.’
Monica: Aw, sweetie. Is there any food around here?
Joey: Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?
Monica: Yeah! She's right in there!
Joey: Oh great. Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
Joey: All right, and over there is Brady's Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.
Rachel: Wow! Aw this is so amazing! What else? What else?
Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. And uh that is an old man! Hey old man! Rachel: Hey!
Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?
Rachel: Wow! Umm, you know, I I would really love to, but I I shouldn't.
Joey: Why? Why, can't the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Rachel: Isn't that a line from the show? !
Joey: Uh, yeah, but uh, I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
Rachel: That's a line from the show too!
Joey: Ok, you watch too much TV.
Chandler: Here you go Joe, here's the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for.
Joey: Thanks! Yeah, there's pulp in that.
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I don't like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isn't juice. All juice, ok?
Chandler: I'm sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
Joey: Oh my God, I'm sorry, I'm being so rude. Rachel, would you like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Rachel: Well sure, ice tea would be great.
Joey: Ice tea.
Chandler: Ok, anything for you sir?
Joey: Did I not just tell him?
Joey: Ok look, Chandler, if this is gonna work, you have got to listen! You're gonna throw that juice at me, aren't ya?
Chandler: It's not all juice!
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
Ross: Look, Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.
Carol: What do you mean?
Ross: Carol our sex life is it's just not working...
Ben: Dad! !
Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, hey, why don't we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why don't you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!
Ben: Yay! Ross: Yay! Seriously, our sex life...I was thinking, maybe, I don't know, we could try somesome new things. You know? For fun?
Carol: Like what?
Ross: Well I don't know umm, what if we were to tie each other up? Umm, some people eat stuff off one another.
Ross: Yeah, Umm, you know we we could try, dirty talk? Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
Carol: I love that idea!
Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics? !
Monica: Oh my God! That's so great! Oh wow! You're a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Monica: Wait a minute! My last KitKat bar!
Chandler: You wanna share it? Monica: Ok!
Joey: Ok Chandler look, I know you're mad, but I just wanna say I'm sorry. I I was a total jerk. Completely o over the line. Uh, I just, I hate pulp! You know? I mean, you know how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: It's not mayonnaise!
Joey: Yeah, ok a a a anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. And here.
Chandler: What's this?
Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.
Chandler: Aww, thanks man.
Monica: Hey Joey! Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Joey: Oh my God! That's great! Congratulations! What's the story? !
Chandler: Oh you wouldn't uh, care. It's just, a stupid comic book story.
Joey: Are you kidding me? ! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Chandler: Well um, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy, uh but he doesn't want Reggie to just give him the money.
Chandler: So Reggie hires him as his assist as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can't have lumps in them.
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? 'Cause I think I read it!
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen, I have to ask! Ok, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Rachel: Ohh! And I'm one of 'em! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: You know Rachel, you dont have to use his last name.
Rachel: Oh but Monica. Come on. I mean, it's Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: I guess you have to. Well, you know it's none of my business, but aren't you married?
Rachel: Yeah. Oh I wish we could not be married for a little bit! You know I just wish we could be like on a break!
Monica: Well, you're not.
Rachel: Oh, it's so easy for you, I mean, you're not married, you get to have sex with whoever you want!
Monica: Yeah I can! I mean, don't think I don't, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha!
Rachel: Monica. You've, you've done it right?
Monica: Of course I have! What do you think, I'm like, some 30 year old virgin?
Rachel: Oh my God! You're a 30 year old virgin!
Monica: Say it louder, I don't think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Guy All the Way in the Back: Yeah, I heard it.
Monica: It's not like, I haven't any the opportunity. I mean, you know, just, just waiting for the perfect guy.
Monica: I'm seeing this guy Roger, all right? You know, he's not perfect, but uh, I think maybe I should just get it over with. You know, give him my flower.
Rachel: Oh my God! ! Do it! Honey, you've waited long enough!
Monica: You know what? You are right? !
Rachel: Yes! ! I Sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn't be all these rules and restrictions! You know, people should be able to sleep with whoever they want, whenever...
Monica: Rachel! I'm never gonna think it's ok for you to cheat on your husband!
Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom? !
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects.
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Phoebe: No! It's not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
Monica: Put it out!
Phoebe: Ok! Ok! So glad you're here.
Ross: Come on.
Ross: I got it.
Phoebe: Oh, give it to me.
Ross: I got it!
Phoebe: Give it!
Ross: Hello? No she can't come to the phone right now. Oh, right, no problem. Ok, byebye.
Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell? !
Ross: No, just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure you were getting better.
Phoebe: Thank God.
Ross: Yeah, she's fired.
Nurse: You've done all you can, Dr. Wesley. You've got to let her go.
Dr. Wesley: Goodbye and Godspeed, Hope Brady.
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley!
Dr. Wesley: Remoray!
Dr. Drake Remoray: That's right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, you're not a real doctor! And that woman's brain, is fine!
Rachel: Oh! Thank God!
Dr. Drake Remoray: Hope! Hope!
Dr. Drake Remoray: You're not dying Hope, you're gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Hope: Oh Drake.
Rachel: Ok! Here we go! Ok! Hi, Joey! It's Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.