Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey?
Ross: Yeah, what, what was I thinking?
Joey: Hey! So, what's with the 20 percent tip? Did I do something wrong?
Chandler: Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip Joe.
Joey: You know what's more generous than that? ! Fifty percent! You know what's even more generous than that? !
Chandler: I see where you're going!
Ross: What's up with the greed Joe?
Joey: All right, look, I'm sorry you guys, but it's just that I gotta get these new head shots made. And they're really expensive, you know? I'm down to like three! Well, actually two 'cause one of 'em I kind of blackened in some teeth Why did I do that? !
Ross: Well, is isn't there something you can do to earn a little extra money? I mean, can't can't you pick up, I don't know, an extra shift here?
Phoebe: Or, you know, I used to beg for money. Of course it helps if you've got, you know, a little of this going on. Wow! I still have it!
Ross: Oh, wait! Wait! Don't you have an audition today? Yeah! Maybe you'll get that job!
Joey: Oh, hahaha! Ooh! Wait a minute, I used to get medical experiments down on me all the time!
Chandler: Ah, finally an explanation.
Joey: Oh no! I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff, remember? Let's see uh, well I don't wanna donate sperm again.
Joey: I really prefer doing that at the home office you know? Ooh ooh, maybe they want like some of my blood or or spit or something, huh?
Gunther: What did I tell you about talking to your friends while you're working?
Joey: Uhh, do it?
Gunther: That guy's been waiting for his coffee for ten minutes! He's complained about you three times!
Joey: Well, where was I?
Ross: Hey, what've you guys been up to?
Phoebe: Ohh! We went to a self defense class today!
Rachel: Yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of ya!
Joey: Takes it out of you?
Phoebe: No, now, we can kick anybody's ass!
Ross: After one class? I don't think so.
Rachel: What? You wanna see me self defend myself? ! Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!
Ross: Of course you could defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I study karatay for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.
Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
Ross: No, it's a concept!
Phoebe: Yeah it is! It is! It's freshwater eel!
Ross: All right, maybe it means that too...
Rachel: Ohh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now!
Ross: Y’ know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don’t even care!
Phoebe: Come on Ross. We’re sorry. Please tell us what it is.
Ross: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you!
Phoebe: You mean in case someone is trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish?
Ross: All I’m saying is, it’s one thing being prepared for an attack against like each other; whole another story being prepared for an attack, I don’t know, like a surprise! !
Ross: All right, you know that was coming, but that doesn't mean you have unagi.
Rachel: Ooh! You know what? If we made reservations, we could have unagi in about a half hour.
Chandler: Hey, hey, is Monica here?
Chandler: Ok, look, I need your help, I don't know what to get her for Valentine's Day.
Rachel: Well, Valentine's Day was two weeks ago, so I wouldn't get her a calendar!
Chandler: She was working on Valentine's Day so we're celebrating it tonight.
Joey: Ohh, hey! Why don't you book a date for both of you at one of those romantic spas?
Phoebe: Ooh, Joey, that's actually a really good idea!
Joey: Yeah, and of course, crotchless panties.
Chandler: Well, as appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend and her brother, I can't do that, we promised we'd make each other gifts this year.
Rachel: Aw, I love that.
Phoebe: You guys!
Joey: You can't make crotchless panties? You take, you take a pair of scissors and you just cut...
Rachel: Ok ok ok! So, making things. That sounds like so much fun.
Chandler: Yeah, I thought so too until I paper mached one of my eyes shut.
Phoebe: Oh, I love paper mache! What did you make?
Chandler: I made a…!
Phoebe: What is that?
Ross: So what are you gonna do?
Chandler: Well, have you guys made anything that maybe I can take credit for?
Phoebe: Ohh! I have! I have! I started making these little sock bunnies! Oh for crying out loud!
Rachel: Hey, wait a minute! That is my sock!
Phoebe: Now, it's you little bunny friend.
Chandler: Okay...This, this actually is a...
Chandler: Hey! Honey, can I ask you a question about the Valentine's Day gifts?
Monica: Oh, yeah.
Chandler: Do we have to make the entire thing?
Monica: Yes! Why, did you you forget to make yours?
Chandler: Of course, of course not. I just have to uh, go over to the place where I I made it and then pick pick it up.
Monica: Ok. Ok, I can't wait! This is gonna be the best Valentine's Day ever! I can't believe it! Make the presents! Make the presents!
Monica: I'm just so excited to make the presents! Shoot!
Joey: Hi uh, I'm Joey Tribbiani and with all due respect I'd like to donate some fluids.
Receptionist: We're actually at the end of one of our research cycles, so we're not looking for applicants right now.
Joey: Oh that's too bad. Kinda been saving up. Uh, you sure there's no studies I coulds participate in?
Receptionist: Well, here's a schedule of what's coming up.
Joey: Thanks. Well but this one starts now.
Receptionist: Oh that one is available now, but only identical twins are eligible. It's a twins study.
Joey: But it's $2,000.
Joey: Well how about this one? Testing the effects of Joey Tribbiani on an attractive nurse receptionist.
Receptionist: We already got the results back on that one, and they're not good.
Ross: DANGER! DANGER!
Rachel: What the hell was that? !
Ross: A lesson, in the importance of unagi.
Phoebe: Ohh, you're a freak!
Ross: Perhaps. Now I'm curious, at what point during those girlish screams would you have begun to kick my ass?
Rachel: All right, so we weren't prepared!
Ross: I'm sorry I'd to take such drastic measures to make my point, but I look, I just want you guys to be safe. DANGER! Ahhh, huh? Unagi.
Joey: 2,000 bucks is a lot of money. Well, I wish I had a twin. Where could I find someone who looks exactly like me?
Ross: Chandler. I sensed it was you.
Chandler: What? !
Ross: Unagi. I'm always aware.
Chandler: Ok, are you aware that, unagi is an eel?
Ross: What's up?
Chandler: I can't figure out what to make Monica.
Ross: Oh, why don't you make her one of your little jokes.
Chandler: I'm going crazy! Ok? Do you have any thing around here that looks homemade?
Ross: Oh, you know what? She'd she'd love this. Uh, it's an exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade.
Chandler: Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say uh, your love sends me to the moon.
Ross: Yeah yeah, except Apollo 8 didn't actually land on the moon. But you you you could write umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely.
Chandler: Wait a minute, I can't give this to her.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: Because it says ‘Captain Ross’ on the side and it says ‘I hate Monica’ on the bottom.
Phoebe and Rachel: DANGER!
Rachel: Ahhh, salmon skin roll.
Chandler: Ok. Ok. Yes honey, I've made it myself. I can't do it. I can't do it. Oh! Oh! A mixtape! A mixtape! !
Chandler: Ok! Hi! Uh, you ready to exchange gifts?
Monica: Sure! Ok, you go first.
Chandler: Ok, come here! Come here, come here.
Chandler: Ok, now, it's not wrapped because I just, just finished it.
Chandler: But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs.
Monica: Oh, what a great gift! Is The Way You Look Tonight on it? !
Chandler: Maybe we'll have to listen and see!
Monica: Oh, I love it! Thank you so much!
Monica: Ok, you ready to open yours?
Chandler: It's a sock bunny.
Monica: Yeah yeah, you remember how I call you bunny?
Chandler: Not really.
Monica: Well, I did one time, and and I wanna start doing it more. See that's what this is about.
Chandler: I see. You know umm, Phoebe makes sock bunnies.
Monica: No! No, she doesn't. Uh Phoebe, what she makes that's uh they're sock rabbits. They are completely different Ok! Ok!
Monica: Ok! I didn't make it! I'm sorry! I totally forgot about tonight and the fact that we're supposed to make the presents!
Chandler: Oh, it's ok. I don't...
Monica: No no, it's not ok! It's not! I mean you were just...You're so incredible! You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for me!
Monica: You know I'm just gonna I, I'm gonna've to make this up to you! I will! I I am going to cook you anything you want in here, and I am going to do anything you want in there!
Chandler: Well, I did put a lot of thought into the tape.
Chandler: Wow! You are way too young to've seen that!
Monica: Oops! You know, your birthday is in a month and a half, what do you say I forget to get you a present for that too?
Chandler: You are totally and completely 100% forgiven.
Monica: We have got to wash that!
Monica: Do you remember that jacket that you love so much, that you thought was too expensive?
Chandler: You have done enough!
Monica: I wanna wake up early and go get it for you!
Chandler: No you don't get it in black, not brown.
Monica: Oop, your cake is ready!
Chandler: Well, it's like that old saying, have sex, eat some cake.
Joey's Lookalike: Hey Mon! Hey Chan! Just getting a soda!
Monica: Who the hell are you? !
Joey's Lookalike: I'm Joey! How are you doing? !
Joey: No! No! No! No! No! How you doing? ! How you doing Damn it Carl! Go wait in the hall!
Joey: Look, I gotta apologize on behalf of Carl.
Chandler: Who the hell is Carl? !
Joey: Oh, did I not mention? Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin for a medical research project.
Chandler: You know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you, aren't they?
Joey: I know. look, I, I know it sounds crazy, but I think it might work. You know? The only problem is, Carl's acting is...
Monica: The only problem? !
Joey: Yeah, he's the reason I didn't get that big Minute Maid commercial a couple of years ago remember? We were supposed to be brothers, but he messed it up.
Carl: Hey, uh can I get a little piece of that cake?
Joey: Pizza! We like Pizza! Get out!
Phoebe: Pat Sajak?
Phoebe: Alex Trebek?
Rachel: Oh, of course!
Phoebe: Chuck Woolery?
Rachel: Ph Definitely! Phoebe, you will not find a single game show host, whose ass I cannot kick.
Rachel: Say it!
Phoebe: Say we are unagi!
Ross: It's not something you are! It's something you have!
Rachel: Say it!
Ross: You know what? I can easily get out of this, but there is a chance you can get very, very hurt!
Joey: All right Carl, we're next. Now remember, what is this not gonna be?
Carl: Another Minute Maid fiasco.
Joey: That’s right! And what are you not gonna do?
Carl: Well, I’m not gonna talk because…
Joey: Damnit Carl!
The Doctor: Can I have the next one please? Thank you. Joey and Tony Tribbiani.
Joey: That's us.
The Doctor: But uh, this is a study for identical twins.
Joey: That's right, $2,000.
The Doctor: But, you're not identical twins.
Joey: Damn it Carl!
Chandler: Oh my good God.
Monica: Hey! Continuing the countdown of your favorite meals. Tonight, No. 3, macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs.
Chandler: Look, you have done enough! Ok? You have to stop this now.
Monica: I will! But not tonight. For dinner music, I thought we could listen to that tape you made me.
Chandler: Oh, the mixtape.
Monica: The Way You Look Tonight is on here! Dance with me?
Monica: You are just the sweetest.
Janice: I love the way you look every night Chandler! That's why I made you this tape! Happy Birthday! Love, Janice!
Chandler: No! You're the sweetest!
The Instructor: Ok ladies, that ends today's class, and let's remember, let's be safe out there.
Ross: It's a great class.
The Instructor: Thanks, man.
Ross: Yeah, yeah, I was watching. Umm, hey, a couple of questions though.
Ross: Umm, you know, about that that last move where that woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what what what what would you do next?
The Instructor: Well, then she'd take her keys and try to jam me...
Ross: No. No no. No. What would you do next?
The Instructor: Who? Me the attacker?
Ross: Yes that's right.
The Instructor: Why?
Ross: I tired attacking two women, did not work.
The Instructor: What? !
Ross: No, I mean it's ok, I mean, they're they're my friends. In fact, I I I was married to one of them.
The Instructor: Let me get this straight man, you attacked your exwife? !
Ross: Oh, no! No no! No, I tried! But I couldn't. That's why I'm here. Maybe we could attack them together? That that's a no.
Chandler: I am so, so, so, so sorry!
Chandler: Oh! And I will cook anything you want in here, and do anything you want in there!
Monica: Yeah you will! And, are you kidding me? !
Chandler: Come on, Monica, it's our Valentine's Day. Please? Please please, please?
Janice's Voice: My funny valentine, sweet comic valentine! You make me high over my heart!
Chandler: So, are we going in there?
Monica: I am! !
Janice’s Voice: You’re look for laughable…
Ross: Ahha, nowhere to run!
Rachel: I don’t like sitting up here! I’m just gonna over…
Phoebe: No Rachel! They got here first!
Phoebe: Why is Ross doing that?
Ross: DANGER! !! !
Rachel: Oh my God! Why is he jumping on those women!
Phoebe: We should help them!
Rachel: I…Well, I don’t think they need any help.