Joey: We got 3 minutes till the reactor blows. We're never gonna make it!
Phoebe: You've gotta get out of here! Save yourself!
Joey: No! I won't leave you!
Phoebe: Don't worry about me, I'm a robot! I'm just a machine!
Joey: No you're not! Not to me!
Phoebe: Oh my God.
Phoebe: I am extremely talented!
Joey: Yeah, you're great! Ok, let's take it from...
Phoebe: No, I mean I was really acting my ass off.
Joey: Yeah, I thought I was pretty good too.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, you're solid. Yeah, you're just no, me.
Joey: You know what? I think that's enough for now. Yeah. I don't wanna be over rehearsed.
Phoebe: Fine! I'll do it without you! I don't need you or anybody else! I'm gonna make it on my own! You'll see! You'll all see!
Chandler: So uh, what's this thing you're auditioning for?
Joey: Oh, it's a new TV show. Yeah. I'm up for the part of Mac, Mac Macaveli or "Mac." Yeah, I'm a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. He's a, he's a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or or "C.H.E.E.S.E."
Rachel: So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: That's the title! Yeah! You know they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese.
Chandler: That is lucky.
Rachel: Huh. Wait. So, Joey, if you get this, you're gonna be like the star of your own TV show! I mean you'll be like the Big Cheese! Or the Big Mac. Hey! You love those!
Joey: Well, don't get your hopes up, because probably not gonna happen.
Chandler: Now now, why would you say that Joseph?
Joey: I mean, come on, you guys! My own TV show? I just, I don't know if I'm good enough.
Phoebe: I am.
Rachel: Joey, what're you talking about? You're a terrific actor.
Joey: You really think so?
Rachel: Ugh, how can you even ask that question? !
Chandler: Whoa, she's pretty.
Joey: Yeah, and oh she's really nice, too. She taught me all about, you know, how to work with the cameras, and smell the fart acting.
Rachel: I'm sorry, what?
Ross: Excuse me?
Joey: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinking of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.
Chandler: Oh, ok.
Joey: Oh, here's my scene, there's my scene. ‘Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon. Your sister is suffering from a...'
Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang... I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then I'm his butt.
Monica: Oh my God.
Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!
Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's it's you know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you finally've been able to crack you own show.
Joey: Ok, ok, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!
Ross: No, you're right, you're right, it is.
Ross: So you're gonna invite us all to the big opening?
Joey: All right well, I'm outta here. Wish me luck.
Phoebe: Goood luck! Goood luck! We all wish you good luuuuck!
Joey: Yeah, whatever.
Phoebe: Wow, if I could dance, I'd be a triple threat.
Ross: It's your turn.
Chandler: Oh, are we playing this? !
Chandler: Hey! How'd the audition go?
Joey: Terrible! I messed up every line! I shouldn't even be an actor!
Ross: Wait a minute, are you doing that thing where you pretend it didn't go well but it really did go well?
Joey: Yeah, did I fool you?
Chandler: So it did go well.
Joey: Oh, it went amazingly well!
Chandler: That's great!
Joey: Yeah yeah, it's down to me and two other guys.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: Yeah yeah, and I know both of them, they're really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials who's always getting chased by those big flowers...
Ross: Oh, I love that guy!
Chandler: Oh oh, what're you doing?
Ross: What am I doing?
Joey: I'm so nervous! You know? The callback isn't until tomorrow at five. I feel like my head is going to explode!
Chandler: Well, it is overdue.
Ross: Look, don't worry. Ok? You're gonna be fine.
Joey: There's just so much pressure. I mean no offense, but what you guys do is very different. I don't know if you'd understand.
Ross: Yeah, none of us have to deal with pressure at our jobs.
Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!
Monica: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.
Interviewer: Uhhuh. Is it dirty?
Monica: Oh oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.
Interviewer: Don't, I like it dirty.
Monica: That's your call.
Interviewer: So, uh, what are you going to do next?
Monica: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.
Interviewer: Are they, uh, firm?
Monica: They'r alright.
Interviewer: You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad?
Monica: No really, they're OK.
Interviewer: You gonna slice them up real nice?
Monica: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.
Monica: I'm outa here.
Rachel: Monica, I'm quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn't even buy it!
Rachel: I'm telling you I'm quitting! That's it! I'm talking to my boss right now! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message.
Monica: Well, what happened?
Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage and everything was fine until...
Ross: Oh my God!
Phoebe: And all of the sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore.
Monica: Was it…
Phoebe: Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under it!
Ross: You ate my sandwich?
Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.
Ross: Oh oh really?
Dr. Leedbetter: Now now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash.
Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I I I I I had to throw most of it away.
Ross: You you you you threw my sandwich away!
Ross: MY SANDWICH? !! !MY SANDWICH! !! !! !
Joey: I want this part so much! Y' know? If I don't get this part I'm never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again! No, I didn't say that! That's a lie.
Chandler: Oh come on guys, it's not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it weren't for Monica's allergies. You're right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. Should I get that? Hello? Uh no, Joey's not here right now. Can I take a message? Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? Okay great. Bye.
Monica: Ahh! Aren't you dressed yet?
Chandler: Am I naked again? !
Monica: We're supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes.
Chandler: Yeah okay, I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them I mean, is it okay if they come visit?
Monica: Wh? ! What about my allergies? !
Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. All her, she hates you.
Joey: Yes! ! Haha! ! All right! Hey! How cool would it be if you could watch like a real life sized version of this? Huh? I mean how crazy would that be?
Chandler: As crazy as soccer?
Joey: Hello? What are you talking about? The audition's not ‘til 5:00! Well, nobody told me! Who'd you talk to? Nevermind!
Chandler: You mean you didn't get it from this?
Joey: The allergy guy got the part! Thanks!
Chandler: Well, maybe we can fix it you know? Maybe we can send him some some big big flowers and since scare him!
Joey: How could you do this to me, Chandler? ! This part could've turned my whole career around!
Chandler: I messed up. Ok? I'm sorry, I really messed up.
Joey: Hey, you don't even live here anymore! What're you doing answering my phone? I have a machine!
Chandler: Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a copier. Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Ok? But everybody's allowed one mistake, right? You know he could've gotten me a VCR, he could've gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller! The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!
Phoebe: It's not that bad.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection.
你又不必戴着被T先生（Mr. T 是美国著名演员，职业摔跤手，经常戴着多到夸张的金链子出镜）淘汰的金饰到处跑。
Phoebe: Chandler, Chandler.
Chandler: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that…Hi.
Chandler: When you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing lead to another and…
Joey: And what? ! Did you sleep with her? !
Chandler: No! No! No! I just kissed her.
Joey: What? ! That's even worse!
Chandler: How is that worse? !
Joey: I don't know! But it's the same!
Chandler: You're right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.
Joey: Over the line? ! You you're you're so far past the line, that youyou can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!
Chandler: Look, I'm not saying that you should magically forgive me! But you're not perfect! You've made some errors in judgment too!
Joey: Name one!
Chandler: What happened? !
Joey: Oh man! He promised he wouldn't take the chairs.
Chandler: What the hell happened? ! How were you locked in? !! And where the hell is all of our stuff? !
Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit andand he said he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man!
Chandler: So, you got in voluntarily? !
Joey: I was trying to make a sale! ! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, you know what I'm gonna do?
Chandler: BEND OVER? !
Chandler: Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
Lorraine: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought us.
Chandler:...and what did you bring?
Lorraine: She's checking her coat. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cat smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
Chandler: Janice? Janice? !
Chandler: Joey's tailor…took advantage of me.
Joey: No way! I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite…
Joey: That's how they do pants! Ross, will you tell him? Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison!
Joey: I said name one!
Chandler: I can't believe I did this! What an idiot!
Monica: Oh, stop beating yourself up! People make mistakes! These things happen!
Monica: There aren't any message you've forgotten to give me are there? Apparently you're not very good at it! I…
Chandler: Do you think he'll ever forgive me?
Rachel: I'm Of course he will! But Chandler the most important thing is you forgive yourself!
Chandler: You know what? I I kinda have.
Rachel: Already? That's pretty bad what you did.
Monica: You know what? He will forgive you. And I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer the phone just in case…Ok…
Chandler: You didn't see how mad he was, you know?
Rachel: I'm sure he will forgive you. Look, we have all been there! You know, you fight, you make up, it's just the way it works.
Ross: It took two people to break up this relationship!
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!
Ross: I didn't know what I was taking full responsibility for! Ok? ! I didn't finish the whole letter!
Rachel: What? !
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: You fell asleep? !
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!
Ross: Oh oh oh, and by the way, YOU apostrophe RE means 'you are,' YOUR means 'your!'
Rachel: You know I can't believe I even thought, about getting back together with you! We are so over!
Ross: FINE BY ME!
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common! It doesn't happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!
Chandler: I KNEW IT!
Monica: You had no right to go out with him.
Rachel: That is the most ridiculous…
Monica: You sold me out.
Rachel: I did not sell you out.
Monica: Yes you did. You absolutely sold me…
Rachel: Would you let me talk.
Monica: Did you just flick me?
Rachel: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus Ow. Stop it!
Phoebe: Oh! All right. Ok, now, let's not do this! Let's Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts! OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
Monica and Rachel: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Phoebe: I know! I know! I know!
Phoebe: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.
Phoebe: There we go. Huh, you know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
Joey: Ok, buddy boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando… Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges.
Chandler: Joey? Got you the Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? Hello? Damn it! Hello?
Chandler: No, Joey's not here right now, but I can take a message, I think. He's still got a chance for the part? ! Oh, that's great news! Well no, obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. Oh well, that's great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! Yes! Ok, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked. By dog not flowers.
Chandler: Please tell me you got the message!
Joey: What message?
Chandler: The actor playing Mac couldn't do it, they needed to see you at 2 o'clock.
Joey: What? ! It's 6 o'clock!
Chandler: I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board, then I went all over New York City looking for ya!
Chandler: I went to Ross's! I went to the coffee house! I went to any place that they made sandwiches!
Joey: I can't believe this Chandler!
Chandler: Sorry! I I I don't know what to say.
Joey: Well you you you you might say congratulations! I saw the board! I went to the audition! I got the part!
Chandler: Is that supposed to be funny? ! I was really worried over here!
Joey: Oh, well I'm uh…
Chandler: You know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean!
Joey: Wow, OK, man. I'm sorry. I did not mean to make you feel bad.
Chandler: Well that's good. Because you didn't! And I'm incredibly happy for ya!
Joey: That's mean! You really had me going there!
Chandler: Oh, we could do this all day.
Joey: Yeah, you're right. Ok, look, listen, let's talk about what a huge star I'm gonna be!
Chandler: You are gonna be a huge star! I'm gonna hug ya!
Joey: You hug me!
Chandler: All right!
Joey: Hey, do we do this too much?
Chandler: I think so.
Chandler: Yeah, get off me.
Joey: Come on C.H.E.E.S.E. , I'm not leaving without you! Try routing your backup source through your primary CPU.
Phoebe: I can't! My circuits are fried! They're fried I tell you! !
Joey: Wow! Well then I'll just have to carry you.
Ross: That'll be a neat trick, when you're, when you're dead!
Joey: Ross, you don't have to yell.
Ross: There was just an explosion, ok? My hearing would be impaired.
Phoebe: I thought you were excellent! In fact for a minute there I was like, ‘Ooh, where'd Ross go?’.
Ross: Thank you! And I have to say that first scene when you meet Mac…
Ross: Oh my God. I mean…
Joey: You know what? I think that's enough for today. Thanks for your help!
Phoebe: holding us back.
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