Rachel: Ok, Chandler!
Rachel: And your horoscope says, 'On the fifth a special someone is going to give you a gift.'
Chandler: Oh, well thank you in advance.
Rachel: Oh, but the twelfth brings a lover's spat.
Monica: You are going to make a joke about my special present! Why would you do that? !
Rachel: Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself.
Joey: Hey you guys!
Rachel: Oh my God! It's Joey Tribbiani of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. !
Chandler: Oh that's right. It's your first day! So are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?
Joey: Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV series? I've dreamed about this for years! Why have I not been preparing? !
Phoebe: No! Joey, you're gonna be great!
Joey: But I gotta act with a robot Pheebs, and and I don't know anything about technology! I can't even use Chandler's computer except to find porn! And and that's only 'cause it's right there when you turn it on!
Monica: I think our lover's spat will start a little early this month.
Phoebe: I'll be waiting.
Chandler: Are you judging them by their covers? 'Cause you're really not supposed to do that.
Phoebe: No, I'm just deciding which one to use I'm gonna start writing another book!
Rachel: Be because the last one was such a big seller?
Phoebe: Well, if you must know, I have written 14 books. And as I am the only one who has read them, I can tell you that they have all been very well received. But you know, I lost all of them in the fire. So this one this one I'm gonna keep in an asbestos lined box far way from Rachel. Who I forgive.
Ross: What're you guys doing later?
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut.
Rachel: We do?
Phoebe: I wanna see what he wants first.
Ross: I just found out Elizabeth's dad wants to meet me.
Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You're not Elizabeth's dad? !
Ross: Ok, that's the only one you get. And he hates me! Ok, apparently he asked Elizabeth why she'd wanna go out with a guy who couldn't get a girl his own age!
Rachel: Huh, and and what did she say to that?
Ross: And that's yours. Look, come on guys, I I really want this guy to like me. It it would really help me out if you guys could be here to kind of make me look good.
All: Of course we'll help! Yeah! We'll be here!
Monica: We know how tough those parent/teacher conferences can be.
The Producer: So uh, here's your office set!
Joey: Wow! Huh? Mac Macaveli, private investigator! Ooh, huh, hey look at all the books I've read.
The Producer: Ok. Let's get you into wardrobe for a fitting.
Joey: Ok. Hey uh, when do I get to meet the robot?
The Producer: I'm sorry, why don't we do that right now? He's right here.
The Producer: Joey Tribbiani, this is…
Joey: Oh wow! He's so lifelike! Unbelievable!
The Producer: This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: How do you do there, Wayne?
The Producer: I'll let you two guys get acquainted, huh?
Joey: Sorry about that...Uh, so where's C.H.E.E.S.E. ?
Wayne: C.H.E.E.S.E. is right here.
C.H.E.E.S.E. : Nice to meet you Mac!
Joey: This is like the temporary robot, right?
Wayne: No. Why?
Joey: Well, I I just, I just thought it was gonna be like a really cool robot, you know? Like the Terminator or uh, when I first saw you.
Wayne: I spent two years developing this machine, it's absolutely state of the art.
Joey: I'm sorry, it just I don't know it doesn't really look like it can do anything.
Wayne: It can do this.
Elizabeth: This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller.
Ross: It it's great to meet you Paul.
Paul: I usually prefer Elizabeth's boyfriends to address me as Mr. Stevens.
Ross: Of course, of course, Mr. Stevens.
Paul: So, Ross, what's your problem?
Ross: Eh wh Excuse me?
Paul: Why can't you get a girlfriend your own age?
Ross: That's funny. Umm.... It's not funny.
Paul: I don't like you going out with my daughter Ross.
Ross: Ok. Um, I can, I can see that. Umm, but I think, if you give me umm, one chance, I can, I can change your mind.
Paul: Ok. I'll give you one chance to change my mind. You got one minute.
Paul: Fine! Two minutes. Go.
Ross: This is you
Paul: A minute 50 seconds.
Ross: Ok, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. I mean, I mean I've been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never done it with a student I mean I not not it! I mean, I mean I don't We haven't done it. Uh, we, I mean, I mean, we've we've we've done stuff. But Ok, ok, a joke, a joke, lighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.
Paul: I'm Irish.
Ross: And the Irish guy wins the joke!
Monica: How crazy that we'd run into you!
Ross: Oh God, thank you! Umm, uh, Mr. Stevens, I'd like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.
Ross: Hi. Monica.
Chandler: It's Chandler.
Paul: Never gonna remember that.
Phoebe: Wow, so you're Elizabeth's father, huh? I can see now where she gets her rugged handsomeness.
Monica: Is is is there a a Mrs. Stevens?
Chandler: There's a Mr. Bing!
Paul: No, unfortunately Lizzie's mom passed away shortly after she was born. I raised her by myself.
Phoebe and Monica: Ohh!
Paul: I get that a lot.
Ross: Ok, umm, why don't we all take a seat, you know? And uh, and I'll get us all some uh some coffees Yeah, why don't you.
Ross: Uh and you guys can talk about whatever, whatever you want. You know? Whatever pops into your head.
Monica: You know, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day, 'cause usually he's at the children's hospital.
Phoebe: Yeah. Not looking for dates.
Elizabeth: So uh, Monica is Ross's sister.
Monica: And he's a great brother!
Paul: I had a sister.
Paul: She passed away.
Monica and Phoebe: Ohh!
Paul: Oh, you don't have to do that every time.
Chandler: But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny story...Your roommate in college died didn't he?
Paul: A part of him did, yes.
Ross: Ok here we are Paul, Elizabeth. So I hope you guys were finding something to talk about.
Chandler: Yes, we were just…
Rachel: Hi, I'm sorry I'm late but I am ready, ready to talk you up!
Rachel: When does Liz's father get here?
Paul: I'm already here.
Rachel: Oh! Ross is sooo great!
Monica: Hey Pheebs. How's the book writing going?
Phoebe: Really well. I'm up to page 47.
Monica: Wow! What're you writing?
Phoebe: Page numbers.
Chandler: Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby.
Monica: No, you said the baby creeps you out.
Chandler: No, the little girl creeps me out.
Monica: You said the baby.
Chandler: Why would the baby creep me out?
Monica: Why would the little girl creep you out?
Phoebe: You guys, I'm sorry, can you please talk a little slower?
Chandler: This is going in your book?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's about relationships. You know? The traps, the pitfalls, what not to do, keep going. This stuff is great!
Monica: What? ! Excuse me!
Phoebe: And how none of it matters when the people really love each other. And how people will believe anything you tell them as long as it's a compliment.
Rachel: Oh hi!
Paul: I guess I left my keys here somewhere.
Rachel: Oh! Well let's look for 'em. Oh oh hey! Are these them?
Rachel: All right!
Paul: Oh, here they are, right here.
Rachel: Oh good.
Paul: Thanks for your help.
Rachel: Yeah Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr. Paul? Mr. Paul?
Paul: Just call me Paul.
Rachel: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know, that you know Ross really is a great guy.
Paul: Well maybe you could date him then that would save me the trouble of killing him. Are you ok?
Rachel: You just don't look old enough to have a twenty year old daughter.
Paul: Well, we were very young when we had her.
Rachel: Oh. We?
Paul: Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people to...
Rachel: Oh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I just I meant you know are you still a 'We' or are you just 'You?'
Paul: I'm just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born.
Rachel: Ohh. So you raised her all on your own?
Paul: Yes I did.
Rachel: Ohh. Ooh!
Monica: What're you writing there?
Chandler: I'm drawing a picture of you.
Monica: Hmm, well, that's very flattering. Yeah, but it'd be great if you could draw me with some clothes and, you know, a head.
Monica: How was your first day?
Joey: Pretty great! Except I did get a little attitude from the robot.
Chandler: Damn those robots, they're supposed to be our faithful servants!
Joey: Anyway, it wasn't the robot, it was the guy who controls him. Yeah, he doesn't like me.
Joey: He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich table right when I was reaching for one! Ohh!
Phoebe: So why don't you just get him fired?
Joey: I may have to, I hate to do it, but I'm the star! You know? There's a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor. 'Scuse me. Joey Tribbiani.
Estelle: Joe! I'm glad I found ya, I got an audition for ya!
Estelle: The thing is it's kinda on the Q.T.The actor who has the part doesn't know he might be fired. It's the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: I'm the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. !
Ross: Joey? !
Paul: Hi Ross.
Rachel: I was just getting him to like you.
Ross: Joey? ! Joey!
Rachel: Ross, Joey is not here.
Ross: Ok, I'll just wait for him in here!
Rachel: Ross, it's ok. You can come out.
Paul: Yeah Ross it's ok, it's me, Mr. Stevens.
Ross: Oh! I didn't know, my gosh! I didn't even see you!
Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, you ran into the bedroom. You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach.
Paul: I'll call you later.
Rachel: Okay, see you.
Paul: Bye Ross.
Ross: What what what the how da how did what the how did what? !
Rachel: Well, you know, he lost his keys so he was looking for them…
Ross: In your mouth? !
Rachel: No! Downstairs! And we got to talking you know, for like two hours, and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee.
Ross: You were at the coffee house!
Rachel: Ross, what's the big deal? So I kissed the guy!
Ross: He is my girlfriend's father, ok? It's it's, it's weird!
Rachel: Wh You dated my sister!
Ross: That was different!
Rachel: What? Why? !
Ross: This is weird for me!
Rachel: Ross look, look this is good for you. Ok? Let's face it, so far the guy's not loving ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We could all go out to dinner, you know? And I can talk you up! Plus, the guy is a very, very successful lawyer!
Ross: How is that important?
Rachel: Oh it's important!
Joey: So, apparently, there's like a million guys out there that can play Mac, and there's only this one robot and this one guy who controls it! I didn't know he could get me fired! What am I gonna do?
Monica: Well you know Joey, you're a pretty charming guy.
Joey: Thanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal with here.
Monica: No sweetie, you've got to win over the guy who controls C.H.E.E.S.E. ! You gotta go back there and kiss some serious robot ass!
Joey: That's not a bad idea. Yeah. Ok, but if I gotta turn on the charm tomorrow I'm not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys.
Joey: Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you Pheebs.
Chandler: So do you think uh, Joey's more charming than me?
Monica: Yeah! That's why I'm sleeping with him on the side.
Chandler: Yeah, you wish.
Phoebe: 'You wish.'
Monica: Phoebe, stop writing about us!
Phoebe: I'm not writing about you! I'm writing about other people.
Phoebe: Marcia and Chester.
Monica: Ok fine! Fine! Then you know what, I'll just write about Phyllis!
Monica: Phyllis is sitting in a chair.
Phoebe: I see what you're doing!
Monica: Phyllis sees what I'm doing.
Chandler: Oh oh.
Phoebe: Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!
Joey: Morning! Hey, how's my favorite genius and this little robot buddy? !
Wayne: Don't touch him!
Joey: All right. Umm, all right Wayne, look, level with me. Ok? I I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Ok, they even have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on, man, you you gotta give me a second chance! I mean, I love I love this little guy! Ahah! Ok, that's why you didn't want me to touch him, right? Here you go! Ok? Stupid! I can't believe it! God!
Joey: Hey, how you doing?
Rachel: So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly, offered to take me.
Elizabeth: What a nice story!
Paul: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom.
Rachel: Wow! I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Ross: Yeah, take your time.
Ross: You know, just just so you know I was a freshman and she was a senior. So it wasn't as bad asas…
Paul: Ross, look, I know I've been giving you a lot of jabs and it's partly because I'm very protective, of Lizzie, and partly because, well, they just keep coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told me and the many, many, many stories that Rachel has told me that, well you're not all bad.
Ross: Not all bad.
Paul: And anyhow, I'm sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand I still look at Lizzie like she's a twelve year old girl.
Ross: Yeah. You know what? I know what you mean, I do that too.
Paul: I beg your pardon?
Ross: No! No! Not I don't mean I I see her as a twelve year old girl! I mean II have a son, who's umm six and I still think of him as a baby.
Paul: You have a son?
Ross: Yeah, well my my exwife and I uh, share custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms as I'm sure you are with your wife! Oh, I'm sorry! It's unbelievable!
Paul: Don't worry about it, I just didn't realize you were married.
Rachel: Oh we were, but that was just a, I mean that was just a big drunken mistake.
Ross: You're back.
Paul: You two were married? !
Rachel: Oh! Whoops! I'm sorry, you were talking about Emily!
We said we would meet at the coffeehouse at 6:00.
Chandler: We said seven!
Monica: We said six!
Chandler: The only way that I said six, would be if I said the seventh, let's meet at seven, not at six.
Monica: Yeah and if I had said seven, maybe I would've said something like this, 'Wow! My boyfriend's such a wiseass seven!'
Chandler: Oh my good God.
Phoebe: I know what time you said.
Chandler: What? !
Phoebe: Well, actually, I know what time Chester and Marcia said.
Monica: What time?
Phoebe: Quite an interesting turn of events, suddenly it's my book to the rescue, huh? Ooh, very interesting. Yeah, well this certainly clears things up.
Chandler: What's it say? !
Phoebe: I will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book.
Chandler: Thank you for writing your book. It's it's a great book and you are the queen of everything.
Phoebe: Thanks! So are you.
Chandler: I told you I should not wear this color.
Phoebe: Monic...Marcia and Chester are planning on seeing a movie Sunday night. Marcia thinks they're supposed to meet at six, Chester thinks it's at seven.
Chandler: So you knew we were gonna miss the movie!
Phoebe: That's right.
Monica: Instead of telling us you decided to write in your stupid book!
Phoebe: Marcia and Chester are mad at Phyllis.
Joey: I can't believe I'm gonna lose this job!
Chandler: Oh I'm so sorry man! Is there anything I can do?
Joey: Yeah! Help me get this mini fridge past the security guard.
Wayne: Hey Joey, I wanna talk to you.
Joey: Yeah? Well, I don't wanna talk to you, Wayne! I hate you! You ruined my life! Oh, Chandler, Wayne. Wayne, Chandler.
Chandler: Hi, how are ya?
Wayne: Joey, Joey, I I I'll g get you your job back if you help me out.
Joey: Why should I help you out? !
Chandler: The reason he just said.
Joey: What do you need?
Wayne: I I I saw you on stage talking to that beautiful woman, you know, Sarah?
Wayne: I wish I could talk to her.
Joey: What are you in love with her or something?
Wayne: Yeah. Her. All of them. Anyone.
Chandler: Yeah, I've been there my friend.
Wayne: Listen, I I guarantee you keep your job if if you can teach me how to talk to women like you do.
Joey: Oh wow Wayne, it's not really something you can teach you know?
Joey: It's pretty much something you're born with if you You you can teach it! I'll show you right on.
Wayne: R r really?
Joey: Sure. Yeah, I taught him.
Chandler: Yeah. You should see the woman I'm with, way out of my league.
Joey: In fact, if you want, I can get you her.
Rachel: I mean, if you think about it, I mean Ross did learn something from each marriage.
Paul: How to make the next one even shorter?
Rachel: Now wait a minute that's not fair. I mean he was married to me a hell of a lot longer than he was married to Emily, he just didn't tell me. Maybe I have to pee again.
Paul: Well, this is fun. So, Ross, did you kill any of these wives?
Ross: I I I...I I have had enough of this! You know, I I I care a great deal about your daughter and I have treated her with nothing but respect! So if if you got a problem with me, frankly…
Paul: Are you yelling at me? !
Ross: God, no!
Elizabeth: You know what daddy? If you don't like Ross, that's fine. It doesn't matter to me, I'm gonna go out with him anyway.
Paul: Really? !
Ross: Well if it doesn't matter to her, it doesn't matter to me! Still not yelling!
Paul: Wow. What can I say? This doesn't make me like you any better!
Ross: That's ok, I'm not so crazy about myself right now either.
Paul: Then we agree?
Ross: Uh yeah, I gue Yeah, I guess so.
Paul: Neither of us like Ross!
Elizabeth: I like Ross.
Ross: Ohh! Kids!
Rachel: Wait wait wait, I just thought of another story about how nice Ross is!
Ross: Uh that's ok Rach, we're not liking Ross right now.
Rachel: Oh! I've got a lot of those too!
Joey: Well, it turns out you were right C.H.E.E.S.E.
C.H.E.E.S.E. :The shipment never made it through Omaha?
Joey: You got it! And the rabbi's beard, 100% horsehair. Nice catch C.H.E.E.S.E. ! It's your line, C.H.E.E.S.E.Wayne! Wayne! !