Monica: What uh What did you What? !
Richard: I still love you. And, I know I probably shouldn't even be here, telling you this, I mean you're with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say he's straight I'll believe you! After seeing you the other night I knew if I didn't tell ya I'd regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.
Monica: You know you're really not supposed to be back here!
Richard: Well, yeah, I'm sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell you! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you.
Monica: Oh God...Why don't they put chairs back here? !
Richard: Look, I know this is crazy but, am I too late?
Monica: What the...Yes you're too late! Where was all this three years ago? !
Richard: Well I know, I was, an idiot! And I tried to forget you, I really did! You know after we had lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying to get you out of my head!
Monica: What were you doing in Africa?
Richard: Working with blind kids.
Monica: Ohhh! What're you doing to me? ! Oh look, I I...I'm sorry but umm, this this this this is not gonna happen.
Richard: Ok, that's fine, I'll walk away. And I'll never bother you again, but only, if you tell me that Chandler's willing to give you everything I am.
Richard: Well, he is. Yeah, I mean, marriage is all he talks about. In face, I'm the one that makes him wait.
Richard: You are?
Monica: Why? Because of the government.
Rachel: Isn't it incredible? ! Monica and Chandler, getting married.
Phoebe: I know, they're gonna be so happy together.
Rachel: Ohh...I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen?
Phoebe: Not that often!
Rachel: No! I'm so happy for them!
Phoebe: Me too! So happy for them!
Rachel: I'm so happy and not at all jealous.
Phoebe: Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous!
Rachel: I mean I'm probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what's 2%? That's nothing.
Phoebe: totally. I'm like 90/10.
Rachel: Yeah me too.
Joey: Hey uh, have you guys seen Chandler?
Rachel: Wh no, but you know who did stop in here looking for you, Teneal.
Monica: So, that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don't really believe that do you?
Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs.
Chandler: Let's take a second here and look at pigs. Ok pigs don't mate for life.
Chandler: I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that's just an ordinary pig not even a pig that's good at sports!
Monica: Yeah, but that's pigs, not people!
Chandler: If marriage worked, I'd be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.
Monica: Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling me that that you may never wanna get married?
Chandler: Who's to say?
Monica: You! You're to say!
Chandler: Well, never say never but you know probably uh yeah, never.
Monica: Oh my God! Then then then what are we even doing? ! What is this? !
Chandler: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure? ! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don't you put down your copy of "The Rules" huh mantrap? !
Monica: You know what? ! I gotta go! Ugh!
Chandler: It's ok, I got a plan.
Rachel: We're gonna find love!
Rachel: Yeah, I'm pretty confident about that. That's what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Rachel: Well you know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they're 40, they marry each other.
Phoebe: You mean a backup?
Rachel: Yeah, exactly!
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, I've got that.
Rachel: You do?
Rachel: Joey? !
Rachel: Are you serious? !
Phoebe: Yeah, I locked him in years ago!
Rachel: Wh...So...If neither of you are married by the time you're 40, you're gonna marry Joey.
Phoebe: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah. But believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.
Rachel: Oh, seriously?
Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were...
Phoebe: Well hey, it's just a backup.
Joey: Hey Monica!
Monica: Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror?
Joey: This is for my boat, pretty cool huh?
Monica: Yeah, it's great.
Joey: Whoa whoa, what's the matter? ! Talk to the captain!
Monica: I'm just having one of those days where you realize you're in a dead end relationship!
Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh?
Monica: It's not like I wanna get married tomorrow! It's just that I I'd like to believe that I'm in a relationship that's going somewhere, that I'm not just wasting my time!
Joey: Well, you know Chandler.
Monica: No I don't know Chandler! Not anymore! It's like, it's like something's changed.
Joey: Maybe you changed?
Monica: I didn't change!
Joey: Maybe that's the problem.
Monica: What? !
Joey: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.
Monica: Is that some kind of boat talk?
Joey: I don't know! I haven't totally decided how to talk on my boat yet.
Monica: What does he think? Does he think I'm just gonna wait around for nothing?
Joey: Monica, face it, Chandler is against marriage. And and always will be!
Monica: You know well there's some people who do wanna marry me.
Joey: There are?
Monica: Yeah! Richard!
Joey: R R Richard said he wants to marry you? ! And and Chandler's telling ya how much he hates marriage? !
Monica: That's right.
Joey: Chandler loves marriage!
Monica: You just told me that he hates marriage! That that he's a a complex fellow who's unlikely to take a wife! That that he's against marriage and always will be!
Joey: You got that from what I said? !
Narrator: When the Cretaceous period ended, the dinosaurs were gone.
Ross: What happened you guys?
Rachel: Hey you!
Ross: Hey, come on in.
Rachel: Oh, thank you. Hey you know, I'm so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth.
Ross: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought we'd be able to make it work, but uh, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Rachel: Yeah, love. It's a tricky business isn't it?
Ross: I guess so.
Rachel: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time we're 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and we've we've already slept together, so you know there'll be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, 'What's that? !'
Ross: Right. Ohh! You you want me to be your backup.
Ross: Ohh, yeah I already have one.
Rachel: What? Who?
Rachel: Phoebe? ! Wait a but but she just, she said that Joey is her backup.
Ross: Ohh, I don't think so.
Rachel: Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal!
Ross: That's impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years! We we we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that.
Joey: Hey! Gunther, It's Joey. Is is Chandler there? All right, listen, what kind of muffins do they serve at sea? Where the hell have you been? !
Chandler: I was making a coconut phone with the professor.
Joey: Richard told Monica he wants to marry her!
Chandler: What? !
Joey: Yeah! Yeah, I've been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would have if these damn boat shoes wouldn't keep flying off!
Chandler: My Oh my God!
Joey: I know! They suck!
Chandler: He's not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I'm supposed to do that!
Joey: I know!
Chandler: Well what…
Chandler: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna kick his ass! Will you help me? !
Joey: Look, Chandler, I don't think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Ok? You just go and find Monica!
Chandler: You're right.
Chandler: I'm gonna get the ring! I'm gonna get the ring! I'm gonna go find her and I'm just gonna propose!
Chandler: Ok, great.
Joey: Dude dude dude!
Chandler: What? !
Joey: Let me know about that coconut phone, it might be good for the boat.
Monica: I don't know why I'm here.
Richard: I didn't ask. You wanna come in?
Monica: I don't know.
Richard: Oh, ok. Well, I'll just leave the door open and go sit on the couch.
Monica: Chandler is such an idiot!
Monica: Yeah, I'll have a Scotch…
Richard: …rocks with a twist? I remember.
Monica: You still smoke cigars?
Richard: Uh, no! No! That's...art! If it bothers you I'd put my art out.
Monica: No, that's, that's ok.
Richard: So Monica, let me ask you a question. You know, since we broke up do you ever, think about me?
Monica: Uh yeah, I I actually I thought about you a couple months ago.
Richard: Oh really?
Monica: Yeah but it was 'cause I I had an eye exam and I don't like my new eye doctor.
Richard: Who is it?
Monica: Edward Nevski?
Richard: Yeah he's no good. Do you ever think about me in a non eye doctor way?
Monica: Because getting over you was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you.
Rachel: Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross? ! You can not have two backups!
Phoebe: Of course I can! It's just good sense to backup your backup! Look, I've already lost Chandler!
Rachel: What? !
Joey: Phoebe! We're both your backup? !
Ross: Phoebe, how could you do this to me? !
Phoebe: I don't Look I don't know what you're complaining about now? You were both aware of the situation!
Joey: No we weren't!
Ross: I was not!
Phoebe: Ok, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when we're married!
Rachel: Phoebe, you can't have both of them! You have to pick one!
Joey: Pick me!
Ross: No! Pick me! I don't wanna end up an old maid!
Phoebe: All right well let's see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat This is hard!
Joey: This is crazy! Hey, look, I wanna switch to Rachel!
Ross: Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too!
Phoebe: No wait! Just Ok Just wait! You guys! Wait you guys! Don't make any rash decisions, ok? Just remember my promise, if we get married, three times a week.
Rachel: Oh, God, Phoebe!
Phoebe: I'm talking about massages.
Rachel: All right, you know what? ! I know I know how to settle this! All right, here, this is what we're gonna do! I'm gonna write, Joey on one napkin and I'm going to write Ross on the other napkin and we are going to pick one! And that person is gonna be our backup! Ok?
Joey: Ok that sounds fair.
Rachel: Pick one.
Phoebe: Thank you.
Rachel: You're welcome.
Rachel: We should just switch.
Phoebe: Yeah absolutely!
Monica: I missed you you ugly, flat faced old freak!
Richard: Excuse me?
Monica: Oh! Him. I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown up's apartment! You know, I I should be with a grownup, do you know what I mean? !
Richard: Yeah! You're saying, you need to be with someone more mature. Maybe someone with, a license to practice medicine. Or a mustache.
Monica: You know, let's face it, I'm not a kid anymore! I I need to be with someone who who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don't want that!
Richard: I think that's fair.
Monica: Fair? Please, don't even talk to me about fair! Fair would've been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair would've been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
Richard: It's ok! Shh! Hey. Hey. Shhhh.
Monica: Nothing. I don't kno Umm. I don't know. Umm...
Richard: I know.
Monica: You know, I I…I have to figure…some st You know, some stuff before I can…
Richard: Yeah, I understand.
Richard: Take as much time as you want. Ten, even twenty minutes if you need it. I'll be here. Not smoking.
Chandler: Where is she? I'm not scared of you!
Richard: She's not here, and please come in.
Chandler: Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Haha, Monica! Monica!
Richard: Ok, she was here, but she left.
Chandler: Well where did she go?
Richard: Well she, said she had to think things over.
Chandler: Oh my God, I can't believe this! You know, I thought…I thought you were a good guy.
Richard: Oh, hey, look, nothing happened.
Chandler: Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didn't tell my girlfriend that you love her?
Richard: Well all right, one thing happened.
Chandler: You know what? I can't believe this! You know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!
Richard: Well I'm sorry.
Chandler: And what does she have to think about? I love her!
Richard: Well, apparently I'm willing to offer her things that you are not.
Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, you know? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, she'd be surprised!
Richard: Well if it helps, it worked very well.
Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isn't fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not gonna blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! I was gonna propose tonight.
Richard: You were gonna propose?
Chandler: Yeah I even got a ring. Did you get a ring?
Richard: No I don't have a ring! You go get her Chandler. And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, don't let her go. Trust me.
Chandler: You know what Richard…you are a good guy.
Richard: I know. I hate that!
Chandler: I can't talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!
Joey: She's gone.
Joey: She's gone. She had a bag and she left.
Chandler: What're you talking about?
Joey: She was all crying and she she said you guys want different things, and and she needed time to think.
Chandler: Well why didn't you stop her? ! Why didn't you just tell her it was a plan? !
Joey: I I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldn't believe me.
Chandler: Well where…Where did she go?
Joey: to her parent's, I think and she said that you shouldn't call her. But if I were you, I would.
Chandler: I can't believe I ruined this.
Joey: I am so sorry man.
Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
Chandler: Oh my God.
Monica: Chandler… In all my life…I never thought I would be so lucky.
Monica: As to…fall in love with my best… my best…There's a reason why girls don't do this!
Chandler: Ok! Ok! Ok!
Chandler: I'll do it! Oh God, I thought...Wait a, I I can do this. I thought, that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. And if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
Monica: Yes. I knew you were likely to take a wife!
Joey: Can we come it yet? ! We're dying out here!
Monica: Come in! Come in! We're engaged!
Rachel: Ohhh, this is the least jealous I've ever been!
Phoebe: Oh no wait no, this is wrong! Ross isn't here!
Rachel: Oh hell, he's done this three times! He knows what it's about!