Mac: Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives don't mix.
C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac.
Mac: Well, I couldn't have done it without you buddy. You're a genius.
C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I can't get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?
Joey: So, what did you guys think?
Monica and Chandler: Hey, the phone. I got it. I got it.
Monica: Hello? Hold on please. Joey, it's your mom.
Chandler: It's your mommy. It's your mommy.
Rachel: That's nice.
Joey: Mom, so what did you think?
Rachel: Well that was Okay.
Ross: It wasn't the best.
Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.
Monica: What are we gonna tell him?
Ross: Well, the lighting was okay.
Rachel: Oh no you don't! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine!
Monica: And I have costumes.
Ross: Oh great! That means I'm stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there and you were sitting right here! Whoa!"
Rachel: What are you gonna do Phoebe?
Phoebe: I don't know. I don't know. I can't lie to him again. Oh no I…no! I'm just gonna press my breasts up against him.
Chandler: And say nothing?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that's right.
Joey: Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what did you guys think? It wasn't that good.
Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?
Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back?
Rachel: Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! You'll never gonna believe happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and…
Joey: You guys! You guys! You're not gonna believe what my agent just told me!
Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here!
Joey: Oh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.
Rachel: Okay, so anyway I'm sitting in my office and guess who walks in.
Joey: I'm gonna be on two TV shows!
Monica and Phoebe: Oh, that's great!
Joey: Oh, you weren't finished?
Rachel: Yeah! "Guess who walks into my office" is the end of my story. It was Ralph Lauren! Ralph Lauren walked into my office!
Joey: Uh Rach, if you're gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine.
Rachel: It's the same story.
Joey: Wow, it's really long.
Rachel: Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he's so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses?
Monica: I'm so happy for you!
Joey: Well, These really are the "Days of our lives."
Monica: What? !
Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: Oh God!
Rachel: I got…I get a big pay raise!
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Joey: I'll be playing Drake Remoray's twin brother, Stryker!
Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant!
Joey: Well, I got a head rush from standing up to fast right there.
Rachel: And you were at this job for four years?
Hilda: That's right.
Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay?
Rachel: I've never interviewed anyone before. I've actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is…this isn't the same thing.
Hilda: No dear. It's not.
Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in it was nice to meet you.
Hilda: Good meeting you.
Rachel: All right. I'm a total pro!
Rachel: Wow! Hi! Yes, uh I'm sorry the models are actually down the hall.
Man: Actually, I'm here about the assistant job.
Rachel: Really? !Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Um, so what's your name?
Man: Tag Jones.
Rachel: Uh-huh, go on.
Tag: That's it. That's my whole name.
Rachel: That's your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well let's just have a look-see here.
Tag: I know I haven't worked in an office before, and I really don't have a lot of experience, but uh…
Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You've got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I.Friday's, come on!
Tag: It's lame, I know. But I'm a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn…
Rachel: Okay, Just hold on a second.
Rachel: Sorry, it's for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please?
Chandler: No no no no.
Phoebe: Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye.
Monica: Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
Monica: I can't tell you. It's a secret.
Chandler: Secret? Married people aren't supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.
Monica: But still no.
Chandler: No I'm serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.
Monica: Really? Okay, so why don't you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland?
Chandler: Oh no, I can't do that.
Monica: If you tell me, I'll tell you what Phoebe said.
Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say "Restaurant," I mean a guy, a hibachi and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we're on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Monica: Oh my God. He threw up?
Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. So what was Phoebe's secret?
Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe's old massage place is getting fired.
Chandler: That's it? ! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
Monica: That's right! You lose sucker! !Please still marry me.
Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right?
Chandler: Did she call? You told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Rachel: No, I just don't know how you decide who to hire. I mean I've got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there's this guy…
Chandler: What about him?
Rachel: I love him. He's so pretty I wanna cry! I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do.
Phoebe: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don't hire an assistant because they're cute, you hire them because they're qualified.
Rachel: Uh-huh. No, I hear what you're saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? Look how pretty!
Phoebe: Let me see. Oh my God! Oh, But no! No! You can't…you can't hire him, because that…it's not professional. Um, this is for me. yes?
Rachel: Okay you're right. I'll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!
Chandler: Let me see this guy. Wow! Don't show this to Monica! And don't tell her about the "Wow".
Terry: Hey Joey!
Joey: Hey Terry!
Terry: Nice to see you again.
Joey: It's been a while, huh? Wow, it's funny these halls look smaller then they used to.
Terry: It's a different building.
Joey: So! Stryker Remoray huh? When do you want me to start?
Terry: Why don't we start right now!
Terry: Here are the audition scenes.
Joey: Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part.
Terry: Why would you think that?
Joey: Well, I was Dr. Drake Remoray, Stryker's twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me right?
Terry: Everybody has to audition.
Joey: You know Terry, I don't really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, with a robot.
Terry: I'm sorry, Joey, that's the way it is.
Joey: Well. I guess you think you're pretty special huh? Sitting up here in your fancy small hall building. Making stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well you know what? This is one star who's hoop… This is a star that the hoop…this hoop…I was Dr. Drake Remoray!
Rachel: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here?
Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there aren't any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you…your first… There is a plant in your office.
Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldn't put good at noticing stuff on my resume.
Rachel: Oh, thank you.
Tag: Anyway, I'm guessing you hired somebody.
Tag: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me.
Rachel: But I hired you!
Rachel: Yeah! You got the job! You're my new assistant!
Tag: I am? !
Tag: I can't believe it!
Rachel: Me either. Um, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home.
Monica: Hey! Good, you're home!
Chandler: Oh it's always nicer to here than, "Aw crap! You again!"
Monica: Hey baby. I made you a surprise.
Chandler: Oh yeah?
Monica: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story I've had such a craving for them.
Chandler: Did you not understand the story?
Chandler: Hey! What's up?
Ross: Oh, nothing much. Just trying to figure out what I'm gonna do for dinner.
Ross: Hey, what's that? Dinner stuff? You making dinner?
Chandler: No! Shhh!
Ross: What you got over there? Tacos?
Monica: No! No. They're um… They're just uh…ground beef smileys.
Ross: Uh, those are tacos.
Monica: Excuse me Mr. Mexico.
Ross: Eh, either way I'll pass. I still can't eat those.
Ross: What's so funny? !
Monica: I'm not laughing.
Ross: You told her!
Chandler: Nancy Thompson's getting fired!
Ross: Okay, Okay, I had food poisoning! It's not like I choose to do it! It's not like…It's not like I said, "Um, what would make this ride more fun? !"
Monica: You're right. I mean I'm sorry. Yeah, I shouldn't be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you!
Ross: How could you tell her? !
Chandler: I had too okay? ! We're getting married! Married couples can't keep secrets from one another!
Ross: Oh really? Well I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Monica: What happened in Atlantic City? !
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar…
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Dude? !"
Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he goes over to her and after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking, Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you're right, Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with…girls.
Monica: You kissed a guy? ! Oh my God!
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Ross: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard…
Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy!
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, how's Hilda? Is she working out?
Rachel: Oh, my new assistant is working out, yes.
Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job?
Rachel: Oh, my new assistant has very happy that I hired my new assistant.
Joey: Hello? Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? It's the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.If you excuse me for…
Joey: Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next week's script. Canceled? ! Like they're taking it off the air? Oh. All right, see you Monday. We're not even shooting them anymore? !All right, bye! They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E!
Rachel: I'm sorry Joey.
Joey: Why would they do that? ! It was a good show right? !
Chandler: You wanna tell secrets? ! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in forth and cried!
Monica: Oh my God!
Ross: Oh, is that funny? ! Oh, you find that funny? ! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too!
Monica: I already told him everything! You shush!
Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she'd made.
Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
Ross: Monica couldn't tell time until she was 13!
Monica: It's hard for some people!
Chandler: Of course it is.
Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!
Monica: Oh, I'm sorry I couldn't think of anymore for Ross!
Ross: Oh! Oh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler: That was you!
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
Joey: How could this happen to me? ! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothing!
Rachel: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives?
Joey: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there.
Phoebe: What happened?
Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go.
Rachel: Joey, why would you do that?
Joey: Because they wanted me to audition!
Phoebe: You! An actor? ! That's madness!
Tag: Rachel Green's office.
Rachel: Tag? Hi, who was that? .
Tag: Nobody. I was just practicing.
Tag: Hi! Rachel Green's office.
Phoebe: You must be Hilda.
Rachel: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second?
Tag: Phoebe! That's a great name.
Phoebe: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.
Phoebe: So you hired yourself a little treat did you?
Rachel: All right I know, I know how it looks Phoebe, but I'm telling you…
Phoebe: But you know you cannot get involved with your assistant.
Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that.And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that I've ever done. But I'm telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. Yes?
Kathy: Hey Rachel!
Kathy: Cute assistant! What's his story? Is he…
Rachel: Gay? Yeah.
Joey: Hey! Terry.
Terry: Joey Tribbiani! I'm surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! I gotta go Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Wait, Look, Wait I… Look, I'm really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking I'm too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance.
Terry: I can't help you Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake.
Nurse #1: This poor guy's been in a coma for five years. It's hopeless.
Nurse #2: It's not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Remoray's a miracle worker. Look, here he comes.
Dr.Stryker Remoray: Good morning. Drake, it's your brother Stryker. Can you hear me?
The Director: And cut!
Joey: I'm back baby! Ha-ha-ha!
Monica: You know, in my defense, um there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue.
Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!
Chandler: You have no trouble telling time now right?Monica: No!
Chandler: Quick! What time is it? !
Monica: I don't know! Time to kiss a guy maybe? !What are you laughing at Pampers?
Chandler: You know when I said that because we're getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?
Chandler: Yeah that was stupid. Let's not do that.
Ross: And! We should keep all the stuff, we told each other secret from everybody else.
Monica: Yeah, definitely!
Ross: Okay, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go hang out with some people who don't know the Space Mountain story.
Monica: Then, I'd steer clear of Phoebe.
Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn't hang out with…all the guys in my office.
Tag: Do you have a minute?
Rachel: Well yeah, sure, what's up?
Tag: I got asked out twice today when I was at lunch…by guys.
Rachel: Oh really? !
Tag: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay?
Rachel: Oh, did you not want people to know that?
Tag: But I'm not gay. And I especially wouldn't want you to think I was gay.
Rachel: Why's that?
Tag: I don't think I should say.
Rachel: Oh, you can say. Come on, I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me things.
Tag: I'd love to ask out your friend Phoebe.
Rachel: Yeah, she's gay.