Monica: Thanks for coming by guys. We just wanted to bounce some ideas off of you about the wedding ceremony.
Ross: What's the matter? You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, it's just you know…
Chandler: Monica said wedding.
Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony.
Ross: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too.
Ross: Yeah, I kind of have something else planned for you guys.
Monica: Do you mind telling us what it is?
Ross: Sorry, I'm kinda keeping this one on the Q.T.
Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking.
Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and…
Monica: What is DOOL?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you're not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!
All: That's wonderful. Wow, Joey.
Joey: And not only that, I'm getting a new brain!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
Rachel: Wait, what do you mean you're getting a new brain?
Joey: Oh well, they're killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body.
Ross: What? A brain transplant? ! It's ridiculous.It's ridiculous that you haven't had sex in three and a half months.
Joey: It's the winter.There are few people on the street.
Monica: Who are they killing off?
Joey: Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart.
Rachel and Monica: No!
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people's faces, I mean I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
Monica: And the way she slaps all the time! Wouldn't you love to do that? Just once.
Chandler: Don't do it.
Joey: And she's been on the show forever, it's gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her?
Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remoray's body. Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!
Phoebe: Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, he's too cute to be straight.
Phoebe: Oh, knockers will help us figure it out.
Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle.
Phoebe: Oh, he left his cell phone.
Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found.
Phoebe: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing.
Rachel: What if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.
Phoebe: That does sound great. I'm gonna get the phone.
Rachel: What? Wait. Why do you get the story?
Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long.
Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
Phoebe: That wasn't a date! That was, that was just friends getting together and having sex.
Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone.
Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago.
Rachel: Yeah! And until now, I didn't think I'd love again.
Phoebe: Nice try.
Rachel: Oh, hey! hey! wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
Phoebe: I don't know.
Rachel: Maybe we could...
Rachel: Aha! Too slow!
Phoebe: Aha! Too cocky!
Dina: I'm going to keep dating him Mother, and there's nothing you can do about it!
Jessica Lockhart: Oh yes there is!
Dina: What are you going to do? Kill him? Like you did with Charles? !
Jessica Lockhart: Oh, my baby.
The Director: Cut!
Joey: That was a great scene! And that slap looks so real! How do you do that?
Cecilia: Oh, just years of experience.
Dina: Can I get some ice here? !
Joey: Oh anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are.
Cecilia: You're not the fan who's dying are you?
Joey: I'm Joey Tribbiani. We did a scene together yesterday. I'm the guy in the coma.
Cecilia: Oh that was a real person? !
Joey: Anyway, I'm gonna say, since I'm getting your brain when you leave the show I was wondering if there's any tips.
Cecilia: I'm leaving the show?
Joey: I don't know. Why? Did you hear something?
Cecilia: Who told you that?
Joey: One of the writers.
Cecilia: Which one? Was it bald or was it tall?
Cecilia: You know what? It doesn't matter! Because it is not true!
Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that I've been playing for 20 years. I'll give you a tip!
Joey: Ms. Monroe. Oh there you go.
Rachel: Okay look, I have an idea. Why don't we, why don't we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
Phoebe: Fine, all right, all right, first name on the speed dial is mom.
Phoebe: Oh, I lost my mom to suicide.
Rachel: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.
Phoebe: Did I use that already today? I'm sorry.
Rachel: Oh, I win! He's got Barney's on his speed dial.
Phoebe: So you don't know that's Barney's the store! That can be you know his friend's house, or a bar. Who has Barney's the store on their speed dial?
Rachel: His new girlfriend!
Monica: What is that?
Chandler: I think it's the dying cat parade.
Monica: It sounds like it's coming from across the street.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Chandler: You know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding? ! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "You're half Scottish right?"
Monica: No. There is no way. It cannot be Ross.
Monica: Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish? !
Chandler: Why is your family Ross? !
Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just noise! It's not even a song!
Chandler: If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the Gang.
Cecilia: You're absolutely right, they are writing me out of the show. They don't know exactly when it's going to happen, but apparently going to be very soon and that's it.
Joey: I'm so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you would never leave the show.
Cecilia: Yeah, thanks.
Joey: No I mean it! I can't believe they would do this to you! And to your fans! I mean they are going to be devastated! Heart broken! They love you so much!
Cecilia: Oh you're right. Thank you! What's your name again?
Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet.
Joey: Look, the only reason that I came up to you before was because well, I'm really nervous about being you. You know if you can help me capture the essence of the character. You know? Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not because I owe it to this stupid show, but because I owe it to Jessica.
Joey: Oh that's great! Oh thank you so much!
Cecilia: You're so welcome.
Joey: Hey! Now, I've been watching some tapes, how's this? "Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again! Never!"
Cecilia: Yeah, but Jessica doesn't have an English accent.
Joey: I can do an English accent? ! That baby's going on my resume!
Rachel: How are you?
Rachel: Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the cute guy's cell phone?
Rachel: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up?
Rachel: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone? !
Phoebe: Now you lost me.
Rachel: You stole the phone!
Phoebe: No I didn't!
Rachel: No? So you're saying that if I called it, it wouldn't ring?
Rachel: Okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. Oh, it does work!
Phoebe: That is a different phone.
Rachel: Oh is it? ! hello? Yes hi, is Rachel there? Yes she is, just one moment please. It's for me!
Phoebe: That is damning evidence.
Rachel: Oh my God! I bet that's him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. Would you stop doing that? !
Phoebe: Hello? Yes, I'm the one who found your phone.
Rachel: Phoebe! You can't do th…
Phoebe: Shhh! I'm on a call! Well yeah, you can pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At my apartment. It's 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, and then maybe you know after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. Okay, well okay I'll see you then. Bye.
Rachel: You do know that I will be here when he comes over.
Phoebe: Oh? And how will you know what time to come over?
Rachel: You just said it!
Cecilia: The essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. So, when Jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room. You try.
Cecilia: Right. He's not mad at the room either. Try it again, he owns it! He owns the room. It is his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it!All right, it's a little weird, but it's getting better. Oh well, I'm gonna miss this woman so much. I don't know what I'm going to do! I mean, it's been 20 years of my life.
Joey: Hey! hey! Maybe, maybe this is a good thing. You know? It'll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. You're so talented.
Cecilia: Probably should've just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but you know I just got so comfy here! And I turned down some amazing work!
Joey: Like what?
Cecilia: Well, let's just say if I left 15 years ago, the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today!
Cecilia: But well now, now's a different time for me.
Joey: Oh hey come on, don't do this! Look let me tell you something, okay? Now when I watch you do a scene, I'm thinking, "Boy, she is a great actress!" but, I am also thinking, "She is hot!"
Cecilia: You think I'm hot?
Joey: You own the room. We should probably get the…
Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the… So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts, both her hands on the man's face.
Joey: Yeah yeah, I noticed that! Is that cause she's so passionate?
Cecilia: No! It's because that way the camera only sees her! Do you wanna try it?
Joey: Yeah! Okay.
Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But I think your hands maybe a little off, they should be maybe right like…
Chandler: Well, I feel like a snack!
Monica: Do you want some shortbread? That's Scottish like you are.
Chandler: Oh no thanks. I don't like any thing from my Scottish heritage.
Ross: What? !
Chandler: Well it's just my entire family was run out of Scotland by Vikings.
Ross: It sounds to me like your family is ready to uh, rediscover its Scottish roots.
Monica: You can not play bagpipes at the wedding!
Ross: How did you know about that? !
Chandler: We heard you play all the way from your apartment!
Ross: Were you the ones called the cops? !
Chandler: That's not really important right now. What is important is. while we appreciate the gesture, we just don't feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: Because we hate them.
Ross: Just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And I'm not going to tell you what song I'm gonna play either. But let's just say when it's over I'll bet there will be a we bit of celebration.
Rachel: Hey! Hey!
Phoebe and Rachel: Who is it?
Guy: Hi! It's Tom, I'm here to pick up the phone.
Phoebe: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the door?
Rachel: Well why shouldn't I? !
Phoebe: Cause it's my apartment!
Rachel: Well, then I get to give him the cell phone.
Phoebe: Okay. All right. Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
Phoebe: Wow! How long were we arguing for?
Rachel: You're not the man who left the cell phone.
Tom: No that's my assistant.
Rachel: Is he coming?
Phoebe: Could you give us one second?
Rachel: We'll be right back sir.
Phoebe: what do we do?
Rachel: I don't know!
Phoebe: Can you believe this? We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!
Rachel: I know! What? !
Phoebe: Rachel, listen, if you let me have him then I will really owe you one.
Rachel: All right. All right. Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me. you owe me big!
Tom: So, which one of you lovely ladies am I going to take to dinner?
Phoebe: Oh that'd be me. Sir. After you.
Tom: Okay. Okay.
Cecilia: Well, you certainly own that room.
Joey: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you.
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh, Jessica Lockhart! In my apartment! I am such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan!
Cecilia: Well, it's nice to know that you…
Rachel: MONICA! MONICA!
Joey: That is my roommate Rachel.
Cecilia: Oh that explains all the women's underwear.
Monica: Oh my God! It's true! Oh my God, can I just ask you to do me, just one favor?
Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face? !
Cecilia: I'd love to, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore.
Joey: All right, here we go.
Monica: No, wait. Just one more thing! One more minute! You're a stupid bitch.
Cecilia: I really can't slap you.
Monica: My God you're great!
Joey: Thanks for stopping by. See you! I am so sorry about that.
Cecilia: Oh no no no no, being adored. I'm used to it, don't worry about it.
Joey: Oh my God!
Joey: They sent me today's script! They never send the script!
Cecilia: They don't?
Joey: Well no, I'm just in a coma. This must mean I have lines! Oh…
Cecilia: How does it happen?
Joey: You get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
Cecilia: Ah what? ! Jessica hates horses!
Joey: Yeah well, I'm guessing after this she's not going to be crazy about electricity either.
Dina: Loosening the saddle on mother's horse was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence, inspired.
Fredrick: Thank you sweetheart.
Dina: I can't believe she's really gone. Look around you, all of this is ours.
Joey: I don't think so.
Dina: Who are you? !
Jessica Lockhart: What's the matter Dina? Don't you recognize your own mother? !
The Director: Cut! That was great everybody! Thank you!
Cecilia: That was so wonderful! I think that you're a better Jessica than I ever was!
Joey: Oh no.
Cecilia: Well of course not, but you were very good.
Cecilia: And guess what? Good news! I got another job!
Joey: Great! Hey! All right! Well what is it? !
Cecilia: A film in Guadalajara!
Joey: The airport?
Cecilia: No that's La Guardia. This is Mexico.
Joey: Oh. Wow! Well how will you be gone?
Cecilia: Eight months.
Joey: That's a really long time.
Cecilia: Yeah, but you can come and visit me. I bet that you could own a few places down there.
Joey: Well I tell you, I should probably buy a place in the city first. And I just got what you meant again…That is…I tell you, that is a tricky one! Cecilia: That is a tricky one.
Joey: Good luck.
Cecilia: You too.
Ross: Now, remember l'm still learning.
Ross: One, two, three, four!
Ross: You know the song. Sing along.
Monica and Chandler: No!