Rachel: Hi! Hi, Ben! Hi!
Ross: We have a little bathroom emergency.
Rachel: Oh, yeah go ahead.
Ross: Before we do, are any of Joey's special romance magazines in there?
Rachel: No. No.
Ross: Okay! All clear!
Ben: Thanks Phoebe!
Rachel: Ben, it's Rachel! But whatever.
Ross: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The dean's office just called and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour?
Rachel: What about Monica?
Ross: Oh, she isn't home.
Rachel: So it would just be, me alone?
Ross: Well, Ben would be there.
Ross: What's the matter?
Rachel: Well that you know it's just…I've never done that before. Me and him alone.
Ross: Rach, he's not an ex-con.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, what do I, what do I do with him?
Ross: I don't know! Just talk to him, entertain him and keep him alive.
Ross: Okay. Ben? Come here. All right, I'm gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay?
Rachel: Yeah I think so.
Ross: I wasn't talking to you.
Monica: What about the second minister we meet with? I kinda liked him.
Chandler: You mean the spitter?
Monica: Come on! It wasn't that bad!
Chandler: Easy for you to say; you'll be wearing a veil.
Monica: What about the third guy?
Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
Monica: Can you blame him?
Chandler: Sorry, I just don't like the idea of when I say, "I do," he's thinking, "Yeah, I'd do her too!"
Monica: Well then we still have a problem.
Phoebe: With what?
Monica: Well, we're trying to find someone to perform our wedding and they're all either boring or annoying or you know, can't stop staring at the ladies.
Phoebe: Oh! You should have one of us do it!
Monica: Phoebe, we're getting married, married, not sixth grade married.
Phoebe: No! No! It's a real thing! Anyone can get ordained on the Internet and perform like weddings and stuff!
Joey: I call it! !
Phoebe: What? ! No! It was my idea!
Chandler: Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us.
Joey: Does calling it not mean anything anymore? !
Chandler: We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!
Rachel: Ben you know when you were a baby, you and I used to hang out all the time. Cause I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben: But you're not anymore!
Rachel: No, I'm not.
Ben: Because you guys were on a break.
Rachel: Hey! We were not on a break.
Ben: When's my daddy coming back?
Rachel: Fifty-two minutes. So no brothers and sisters? But you know what? I have two sisters of my own and we just tortured each other.
Ben: Really? Like how?
Rachel: Well you know, we would repeat everything the other said, or we'd jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for the salt so they'd put salt on their cereal.
Ben: That's a good one.
Rachel: Yeah? You like that one?
Ben: Yeah, you're funny.
Rachel: I'm funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, I've got a ton of these! You take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? And then you say to person, I bet you can't roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, they're left with a big black pencil line right down the center of their face.
Ben: Can I do it to you?
Rachel: Yeah, I'm funny Ben, but I'm not stupid. Okay?
Joey: So, did you find anyone to marry you guys yet?
Chandler: No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were still together.
Monica: We're never gonna find anybody.
Joey: Well then let me do it!
Joey: No! Look, I've been thinking about it. I'm an actor right? So I won't get nervous talking in front of people. I won't spit, and I won't stare at Monica's breasts! You know? Everyone knows I'm an ass man!
Monica: That is true.
Joey: Yeah and the most important thing is that it won't be some like, stranger up there who barely knows you. It'll be me! And I swear I'll do a really good job. Plus, you know I love you guys and it would really mean a lot to me.
Monica: Might be kinda cool.
Joey: So I can do it?
Chandler: Yeah you can do it.
Joey: All right! Okay! All right! Okay, I gotta get started on my speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right?
Rachel: Come in.
Ross: I have a bone to pick with you.
Ross: Yes! Ben learned a little trick.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Did he pull the old…
Ross: That's right! That's right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere!
Rachel: Oh that.
Ross: Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! They're mean and they're stupid and I don't want my son learning them!
Rachel: Oh, come on! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, you don't think that's just a little funny? !
Ross: I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him right?
Joey: Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: You did it! You got ordained? !
Joey: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there!
Chandler: Our minister…
Joey: Anyway, I started working on what I'm going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear it?
Joey: Now, listen this is just a first draft so… "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share." Eh? "It is a love based on giving and receiving. As well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving." "We too can share and love and have and receive."
Chandler: Should we call the spitter?
Carol: Hey Rachel!
Carol: What a nice surprise! What are you doing here?
Rachel: Well you know I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your building and I thought to myself, "What's up with Carol and sweet, little Ben?"
Carol: Can I ask what Come on in.
Carol: I'll make some coffee and we can chat.
Rachel: I'd love that. I would love… So where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little…
Rachel: I found him! Very funny, come here! That is exactly why I've come here to talk to you okay?
Carol: Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee?
Rachel: Yes, oh…Do I want sugar in my coffee? No, just some milk would be good Carol. Thanks. Okay, do you remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Ben: Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Rachel: Don't do that.
Ben: Don't do that.
Rachel: Seriously, your dad doesn't like pranks.
Ben: Seriously, your dad doesn't like pranks.
Rachel: Oh damnit!
Ben: Oh damnit!
Rachel: No! Don't say that! Don't say that!
Rachel: No don't! Go back to repeating!
Ben: Damn it!
Rachel: Oh crap!
Ben: Oh crap!
Joey: Okay you guys, I got a little more written. Are you ready?
Chandler: Yeah. Okay.
Joey: "When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I can not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving and…" And then I can't think of a good word for right here.
Monica: How about receiving?
Chandler: See Joe, not that that's not great! But, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! You know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us!
Joey: Oh! Ooh! Okay, maybe I'll talk about London! You know when you two hooked up! Only, only I won't say hooked up. I'll say, "Began their beautiful journey…"
Monica: There you go!
Joey: "…by doing it."
Joey: Okay. All right. so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And then the next thing you know you're in the bathtub together and she's feeding you strawberries?
Chandler: Isn't that what happened with you and the bride's maid?
Joey: Yeah! I call that London style.
Monica: No that is not what happened with us.
Phoebe: Oh, But maybe you should say it is, because London style sounds nice.
Monica: Well, I was really sad that night because this guy that I was Ross's mom. And then Chandler was, was really sweet and he consoled me. And well we drank too much…
Joey: Yeah baby!
Chandler: And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight.
Chandler: But then later that night…
Joey: Yeah baby!
Monica: Cute PJ's! You're really living it up here in London huh?
Chandler: Well I was exactly expecting company after 9:15.
Monica: Is Joey here?
Chandler: Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the bride's maid and a bucket of strawberries. So you're not still upset about what that guy told you are you?
Monica: Wouldn't you be?
Chandler: Well, look it's been a really emotional time you know, and you've had a lot to drink. And you've just got to let that go okay? I mean you were the most beautiful in the room tonight!
Chandler: You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms… Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
Monica: Well, not anymore.
Chandler: But we don't do that.
Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Monica: Drunk enough to know that I want to do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler: That's the perfect amount!
Monica: You know what's weird?
Monica: This doesn't feel weird!
Chandler: I know.
Monica: You're a really good kisser.
Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. Do you wanna get under the covers?
Monica: Do I.
Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Monica: We're gonna see each other naked.
Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Chandler: Count of three?
Monica and Chandler: One, two, three.
Chandler: Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Monica: Eh, we weren't that close anyway.
Chandler: Joey, Joey, Joey!
Chandler: Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie.
Joey: Oh, dude I'm so sorry!
Chandler: No! No! No!
Joey: Hey no-no-no-no! It's cool! It's cool! I'll only be a second, I'm still with my bride's maid, I just…Where are those condoms you brought?
Chandler: They're in my bag over there.
Chandler: Could you leave me one?
Joey: For just you?
Joey: All right, here you go buddy. Go nuts.
Joey: That's what that was? !
Joey: Oh Can you imagine if I hadn't left you that last one? You two might've never gotten together. Oh oh! Could you imagine if I sent that hooker up to the room like I was gonna? ! It's like it was in the stars!
Phoebe: Yeah, it's totally meant to be. Tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night.
Monica: What? !
Phoebe: What? !
Chandler: Who did you originally want to hook up with?
Monica: Okay, fine, but please don't be upset! Okay? I was really depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just wanted just sex. So, when I went to your room that night I was actually looking for Joey.
Joey: Yeah baby! No baby!
Chandler: Oh, my God. You came to the room looking for Joey? Were you planning on telling me this?
Monica: No because it didn't seem important.
Chandler: It's not important? It's not important? ! If it wasn't for a bride's maid you'd be marrying him not me!
Monica: No! Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey was not there that night? !
Joey: Hey! Now I'm a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings!
Chandler: Look there is no way you're doing this wedding now. Okay?
Joey: What? ! That's not fair! It's not my fault! I was off with my bride's maid! And who's to say I would've even said yes? ! I mean I would've said yes.
Joey: Chandler look you are making way to big a deal out of this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay!
Chandler: Okay, it's just weird! Okay? I don't want to be standing their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I need…I don't know what I need. I need a walk.
Monica: Wait Chandler come on, let's…it's not a big deal!
Chandler: It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman, and instead you had to settle for Robin.
Joey: This is crazy.
Phoebe: I know! Robin is so gay!
Rachel: So now what have we agreed?
Ben: No more pranks.
Rachel: And what else?
Ben: That you and daddy were not on a break.
Rachel: Very good.
Ross: Rachel! What are you doing here?
Rachel: I'm just visiting my good friend Carol.
Ross: Your good friend?
Ross: What's her last name?
Ross: By the way, that line down my face. The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say: "Dude, don't you ever wash your face?"
Rachel: All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
Ross: Listen, I don't want you teaching my son that stuff anymore. Okay?
Rachel: Fine. Fine, but I'll have you know that once I taught him that stuff he called me Fun Aunt Rachel. And I loved being Fun Aunt Rachel.
Ross: I'm glad you guys were bonding but I…
Rachel: Look he doesn't have any brothers or sisters, somebody's gonna have to teach him this stuff! And I haven't taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesn't know anyway!
Rachel: I gotta go!
Chandler: Hey. Do you want this scone? It came for me but it would probably rather sleep with you!
Joey: Come on nothing even happened! I just…I don't want you to be upset.
Chandler: How can I not be upset? Okay? I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first!
Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night!
Joey: Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! we look at you and we see you together and it just it fits. You know? And you just know it's gonna last forever.
Chandler: That's what you should say.
Chandler: When you're marrying us, that's what you should say.
Joey: Really? I can do it?
Chandler: I'd love it if you would do it.
Chandler: But those are the words! Those exact words!
Joey: But I don't know remember exactly but, It's pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving.
Joey: So are guys doing okay?
Chandler: Yeah, we talked and Monica made me see that I over reacted a little bit and some things in life are more important.
Monica: Yeah baby!
Phoebe: I'm really glad you guys are okay but, I just keep thinking what would happen if you two actually had hooked up.
Monica: Honey! Dinner's ready!
Fat Joey: What's my little chef got for me tonight?
Monica: Your favorite!
Joey: Ho-ho-ho, fried stuff with cheese!
Monica: Yep! And lot's of it!
Fat Joey: Thanks sweetheart. Give me a little sugar here.
Monica: In we go.
Fat Joey: How you doing?
Ross: Hey I'm sorry to do this to you again, but is there any way you can look after Ben for a little bit? I've got this meeting at school. And he asked for his, 'Fun Aunt' Rachel, so…
Rachel: Oh! Well of course I will watch him! We have fun, don't we Ben?
Ross: Okay, I'll see you later pal.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Wait a minute. Ben, I can't do it.
Rachel: You've got something here on your back.
Ross: What? That's great. That is great. What did we just finish talking about Ben? !
Ben: What did we just finish talking about Ben? !
Ross: All right, that's it! Come! you! no! You are in big trouble young man!
Ross: Ben, come here! I am not kidding!
Rachel: You gotta stop doing…My God!