Ross: Hey Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys? Thought I'd take that bad boy out for a little spin.
Rachel: Wait a minute! You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say you're the only one who's allowed to drive it.
Monica: Yeah, well he's my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could never hurt it.
Ross: It's a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!
Monica: Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you're done.
Joey: Saw the Porsche out there Mon, looking good. When do I get to take that baby out again?
Rachel: You let Joey drive it? !
Phoebe: I've never driven it! Okay? Not once! Okay once. Okay, I drive it all the time.
Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the you know, "You can drive it, but don't tell Rachel" plan!
Rachel: Wow! I can't believe you lied to me.
Phoebe: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding.
Monica: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I won't let you drive the Porsche is because you're a terrible driver. There! That wasn't about the wedding.
Ross: Look Rach if you want to go for a ride in the Porsche I'll be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block.
Joey: Yeah, you got a couple hours?
Ross: Whew! That was a brisk ride!
Rachel: Take the top down did ya?
Ross: Only way to fly.
Rachel: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what she's talking about! I am an excellent driver!
Ross: You're fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.
Rachel: Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader.
Ross: Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must've seen me cruising in the bad boy.
Rachel: I think she's checking out your beehive Ross.
Ross: What? ! Give me a brush.
Rachel: Gimme the keys!
Ross: No way!
Rachel: Well no brush!
Ross: Fine! You know what? It doesn't matter, because, if I remember correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom.
Monica: Chandler, we still haven't gotten an RSVP from your dad.
Chandler: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that's because I didn't send him an invitation.
Monica: Chandler! He's your father; he should be at the wedding.
Chandler: I don't even know the man. Okay? We're not the close. I haven't seen him in years.
Monica: Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn't even asked? !
Chandler: Well he doesn't have to know! It's not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
Phoebe: I think I wanna trade circles.
Chandler: Trust me, you don't want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.
Monica: So what! As long as he's not wearing a white dress and a veil I don't care.
Phoebe: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping.
Rachel: Ahhh! Ooh, nice!
Rachel: My God!
Ross: What do you think you're doing? !
Rachel: Just washing the windshield.
Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why don't you just hand over the keys?
Ross: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! Okay! Okay! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now!
Rachel: Look Ross, if you're so freaked out, just get in the car!
Ross: With you? ! Yeah right!
Rachel: All right.
Ross: Okay! Okay! Okay!
Rachel: What are you doing? ! Get in the front!
Ross: In the death seat? !
Rachel: Oh my…
Man: Hey guys!
Phoebe: Hey sweetie!
Man: Ready to go?
Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica's. I'll be right back.
Man: Wait a minute!
Phoebe: What? Oh. Ooh. Whoa! That one kept going.
Joey: So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out?
Man: Over a month.
Joey: Wow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better.
Man: Sure, I'd like that.
Joey: So, what's your name?
Man: It's Jake.
Joey: Joey. Hey Jake, do you like the Knicks?
Jake: Yeah, big fan.
Joey: Me too! There's a game on Tuesday do you wanna go?
Jake: Yeah that would be great! Let me make sure I'm not doing anything Tuesday.
Chandler: What's this?
Monica: It's your suitcase. We're going to Las Vegas.
Chandler: Are you serious? ! I mean like eloping? ! No more stupid wedding stuff? ! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers. Think of the money we'll save! ! We're not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please?
Monica: We're going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It's time you two talked, and I want to get to know my father-in-law.
Chandler: You know we already went over this and I won!
Monica: No you didn't. Oh and honey just so you know, now that you're marrying me, you don't get to win anymore.
Chandler: Look forget it okay? I don't want to go. I don't want to see him. I don't wanna.
Monica: Chandler, look I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know…
Chandler: No-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you'd have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through.
Chandler: When I was in High School, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet.
Chandler: You know it's hard enough to be fourteen. You're skinny. You're wearing speedoes. That your mom promised that you would grow into!
Chandler: And you look up into the stands and there's your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. We was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack!
Monica: Hey, the point is that he was at everyone of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! Okay? That's a, that's a pretty great dad.
Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Girabaldi!
Monica: Who's Mr. Girabaldi?
Chandler: Does it matter? !
Monica: Chandler, you're not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe it's time that you let that stuff go. If your father's not at your wedding. you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
Chandler: Yeah okay, but I'm just doing this for you.
Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore?
Monica: How much did ever really win before?
Joey: Listen, you know how uh, when you're wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear?
Joey: Well, when Jake did it I saw that he was wearing women's underwear!
Phoebe: I know. They were mine.
Joey: Oh. No! No wait, that's weird!
Phoebe: No, it's not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try them on.
Joey: That's weird!
Phoebe: I'm wearing his briefs right now.
Joey: That's kinda hot.
Phoebe: I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.
Joey: Yeah, I wouldn't know about that.
Phoebe: And! You know what Jake says? That women's underwear is actually more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.
Joey: Yeah well next thing you know, he'll be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture!
Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake! Okay? He is all man! I'm thinking even more than you.
Joey: Oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink laceys.
Phoebe: I'm just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women's underwear! I don't think you could ever do that.
Joey: Hey! I am secure with my masculinity.
Phoebe: Okay whatever.
Joey: You've seen my huge stack of porn right?
Rachel: God. I forgot how much I love driving. I have got to get my license renewed.
Ross: You don't have a valid driver's license? Okay that is it! Pull over right now!
Rachel: Oh Ross you're so tense! You just gotta relax okay? Just need to relax all right? Just need to relax.
Ross: What are you doing? ! Are you…Okay that's not funny! Just stop horsing around!
Rachel: I am not horsing around okay? I am Porsching around.
Ross: Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to happen to you, you are not in that much trouble.
Rachel: Really? You think so?
Ross: I was talking to myself! You're going down!
A Waiter in Drag: Someone taken your order yet?
Monica: Uh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. She? I'm sorry I'm new. I don't…
Waiter in Drag: Hm-mmm?
Chandler: Yeah, I just ordered a beer!
Waiter in Drag: You're straight. I get it.
Monica: I still say that if we had called your dad we coulda gotten better seats.
Chandler: No! No! I don't want him to know we're yet! I'm not sure I'm ready for that. And besides he's not gonna be too happy to see me either.
Monica: Why not? !
Chandler: I don't know if I've told you this, but he's kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years
Monica: What? !
Chandler: Yeah, he's made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. You know it's all very Cats in the Cradle. I don't want to get into it. Here we go.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!
Helena: Hello darlings.
Chandler: And there's daddy!
Rachel: Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! I'll go under, you go over!
Ross: Yeah, I'll get right on that.
Rachel: Oh come on Ross!
Ross: No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I'm sure we won't get arrested for this.
Rachel: Hi, officer. Was I going a little too fast?
Ross: Oh my God.
Policeman: Can I see your license please?
Rachel: Oh yes, absolutely! You know, it's weird, but I had a dream last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh…well I probably shouldn't tell you the rest.
Policeman: Your license?
Rachel: Yes. Here you go Officer uh, Handsome.
Policeman: That's Hanson.
Rachel: Oops sorry, my mistake.
Ross: Dear Lord!
Ross: Here it comes.
Policeman: This is a great picture.
Rachel: Really? ! You think so? You know, I had just rolled out of bed.
Policeman: Yeah? Well you look phenomenal.
Ross: Well she should, it was taken ten years ago!
Rachel: You know you're probably wondering about the old date on there.
Policeman: Yes, I am. You're an Aquarius, huh?
Rachel: I bet you're a Gemini.
Rachel: I knew it! I knew it, ahh.
Policeman: Well I tell you what…
Policeman: You're not gonna speed anymore right?
Rachel: I won't speed.
Policeman: And you promise you'll get this taken care of right away.
Rachel: I promise.
Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?
Policeman: Can he handle the stick?
Rachel: Oh well…
Ross: I can handle the stick!
Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and…
Monica: That can't be your father.
Chandler: Believe me, I've been saying that for years. Oh my God!
Chandler: That's Mr. Girabaldi playing the piano.
Helena: For I'm loved by a pretty wonderful boy!
Helena: Hello! And welcome to the show. I see some of our regulars in the audience. And a couple of irregulars.
Chandler: He's coming into the audience. He's coming into the audience.
Monica: Relax! You'll be fine. Oh much better. You're invisible now.
Helena: Where are you from?
Helena: I'm sorry?
Helena: No, no I heard! I'm just sorry.
Chandler: It can't happen like this. Okay? I'll meet you back at the hotel.
Helena: Oh look, a standing ovation already! So early in the show. Oh turn around honey. let me see your pretty face.
Monica: Can we have our drinks please? ! Waiter? Uh, tress!
Joey: Hey Pheebs!
Joey: Check it out. How much of a man am I? !
Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.
Joey: You know, I'm beginning to see what Jake was talking about.
Joey: The silk? Feels really good!
Joey: Yeah! And things aren't as…smashed down as I thought they were gonna be.
Phoebe: That's great Joe!
Joey: Yeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with men's underwear! Bikini, French cut, thong! And the fabrics! You've got cotton, silk, lace! And you know what I've always wondered about?
Joey: Pantyhose! You know? They way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here… I should go take these off shouldn't I?
Phoebe: I think it's important that you do.
Helena: So what's your name?
Helena: Chandler? What an unusual name! You must've had terribly fascinating parents.
Chandler: Oh, they're a hoot.
Helena: And who is your friend?
Monica: I'm Monica.
Helena: Monica! Where are you from?
Monica: New York.
Helena: I'm not very fond of New York. Queens I like. Ooh, what is this sparkle something! Honey! Huh?
Chandler: Actually Monica and I are engaged.
Helena: Really? ! Congratulations. When's the big day?
Monica: In two weeks.
Helena: I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. So you're bald?
Chandler: Wait! Wait! We'd really love it if you could be there.
Chandler: I know it would make me happy, ma' am.
Helena: Well I wouldn't miss it for the world. Oh! I'm getting all misty here! You'd think I was having my legs waxed or something.
Monica: You okay?
Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.
Helena: Before we go on with the show, I just want to say to the bride and groom how lucky they are to have found each other. In every life, a little rain must fall. Fortunately, in my life…
Helena: It's raining men!
The Chorus Line: Hallelujah!
Helena: It's raining men!
The Chorus Line: Amen!
Chandler: When I was growing up I played the one on the far left.
Rachel: Remind me to introduce you to someone!
Rachel: Fourth gear!
Ross: What? ! What does he want? ! I wasn't doing anything!
Rachel: Well maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two o' clock position.
Ross: Maybe it's uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more!
Rachel: It's a different guy!
Ross: Good evening officer.
Policeman: Do you know how fast you were traveling back there?
Ross: Ah no. I don't, but it could not have been more than sixty.
Policeman: You're right. It was 37.
Ross: I mean you're not gonna give me a ticket for driving too slow are ya?
Policeman: That's right.
Ross: You know officer I had the weirdest dream last night…
Rachel: Oh my God!
Policeman: Your license please.
Ross: You don't want to hear about my dream Officer Pretty?
Policeman: It's Petty. I'll be right back with your ticket.
Rachel: You have a son!
Ross: I know. I know.
Phoebe: Feel better?
Joey: Yeah! Much! Listen, not that I'm you know insecure about my manhood or anything you know, but I think I need to hook up with a woman like right now.
Phoebe: Yeah, I understand.
Joey: Yeah! Okay! Hey! Hi!
Joey: You know, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
Woman: I don't think so.
Joey: Oh! Maybe it's because I'm on television. I'm an actor on Days of Our Lives.
Woman: Wow. Really?
Waitress: 4.50 dollars,please.
Joey: Oh, let me get this.
Joey: These are for you.