Hey, What's up?
Well, I left my guitar here again.
Oh, ok. No problem. Okay.
Okay. Here you go.
What? So do you wanna hang out or something?
Phoebe! You you kinda caught me at a bad time.
Are you and Chandler...? Yes. Exactly.
Okay. Do you guys want me to play for you? No.
Hey, Pheebs, what's up?
You ask an intriguing question, Chandler Bing.
Oh, my God! You're getting a massage? You never let me massage you.
Phoebe, I can explain.
You told me you hate massages.
Buy stamps. Pick up dry cleaning. Don't let Phoebe in.
I can't believe this! How long has this been going on?
Well, Alexandra has... It has a name?
Phoebe, don't get upset.
Okay. Oh, too late! I'm leaving. Come on, Chandler, let's go.
Well, I thought I'd...Yeah, what the hell.
Oh ok, ok! Come on, one more push! One more push! Come on honey, we're almost there! We're almost there!
Oh Joey, I'm so happy things worked out for us that we're having this baby together. I love you so much.
I love you too.
And I hope it's not an inappropriate time to say this but, you're the best sex I ever had.
That's always appropriate.
Oh, ok ok. Come on, one more push! One more push!
Oh, here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations!
I hope you're a better father than you are a friend!
Joey! Joey! What? What's going on? Come feel my belly.
乔伊！乔伊！ 怎么了？发生了什么事？ 快来摸摸我的肚子。
The baby's kicking for the first time. Will you please come feel this?
Oh, you you know what? Maybe uh, you...maybe you should come to me. I'm a not, I'm not wearing any bottoms. Oh, ok!
Oh my, oh my God!
Aw, it's unbelievable! Wow! She is kicking so much! Oh, she's like umm...oh...who's that kind of annoying girl soccer player?
Mia Hamm? Mia Hamm!
It's amazing. Oh oh! ! One hand on the sheet Joe! Whoa hey oh! Sorry!
太神奇了。 一只手抓好床单，乔伊。 抱歉。
Hey, babe. Hey, honey. So we just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing
They don't like us, do they?
Who says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under $6? Maybe we can take it back.
No, it doesn't say where it came from. Where would we return it?
How about to the street say from the balcony?
Why don't we just find a place for it?
How about that cabinet?
No. That's where we keep the canned goods! Have you completely forgotten everything you learned at orientation?
How about the closet by the bathroom?
Oh, okay. Here, why don't you let me do it? Oh no no no, I will do it.
好的。让我来吧。 不 我来就行了。
Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile.
It's locked. You have to help me. Why is it locked?
No reason. I I keep private things in there.
Oh you know, I've been living here for a while and I've never seen what's inside that closet. What is, what is in there?
Don't try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!
Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me, you'll just you'll let it go.
Fine. Thank you.
Hello, Chandler. Lovely day, huh? You.
Phoebe, if it helps, Alexandra's only been massaging Monica for like three years.
If! I said, if it helps.
Why won't you let me massage you?
Well it's...I mean I was just I'd be self conscious. You're my friend; I'd be naked.
Monica, we lived together for years. I've seen you naked.
That's different. We were roommates. And when?
I'm curious about the human body.
Hey, come on Phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me.
But I'm a professional! And I'm really good! Look, if you're uncomfortable we can stop. Just give me a chance, ok. Please?
Okay. If it means that much to you.
It does. How would you feel if you couldn't share your cooking?
Or imaging how Ross would feel if he couldn't teach us about dragons.
Dinosaurs. Potato, potahto.
Hey! Ross! The baby is kicking!
What? It is?
It's not kicking right now. Although we would love to see you do that again.
When? When was it kicking? What happened?
Last night. I just felt it and I went into Joey's room, and he was sleeping.
A dreamless sleep.
My God, the baby's kicking. That's great.
Although I kind of wish I would have been there to feel the kicking for the first time you know.
Well I got some stuff going on in here if you wanna feel.
Look, I don't wanna miss any more baby stuff. So here, here's my new pager number, okay?
Anytime anything pregnancy related happens, use it. I'll be there. Ok? I don't care if it's three in the morning, and all you want is ice cream.
Can I get a copy of that?
Are you under the sheet? Yes.
Great, let's begin.
How's the pressure?
It's nice. Wow, Phoebe, you are good.
Stating the obvious, but thank you.
And it's not weird, is it? No.
That's right, you just enjoy.
Oh, yeah! Ohhhhh! Ohh!
Oh, yeah! Okay.
Oh, God, Phoebe!
Oh that's it! That's it! Right there! Oh! Ooooh oooh ooooh...
I wasn't trying to open your closet. I wasn't trying to open your closet, I swear.
Monica runs a pretty tight ship here, doesn't she? What are you doing?
Monica has a secret closet. She won't let me see what's in it.
Why not? I don't know!
What could she possibly be hiding in here that I can't see? !
I don't know. Ooh, I bet it's Richard.
Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?
Off the top of my head maybe she's having her cake and eating it too.
You being the "cake," Richard being the "too."
Or... And here we go.
I saw this movie once where there was a door and nobody knew what was behind it.
And when they finally got it open, millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh.
You know it wouldn't kill you to respect your wife's privacy!
Stupid closet full of bugs!
Joey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird.
I don't... Do not worry, ok?
When my sisters were pregnant...they got every weird feeling in the book, and it was always nothing.
But, we're gonna stop by the hospital just to be sure, ok?
I'll page Ross on the way. Ok. Oh God Ow! Oo!
Okay Rach, Rach, Rach look at me, look at me, everything's gonna be fine, trust me. Okay. Come on. Take my hand. Here we go. Oww crushing bones!
Ok, good thing we're going to a hospital.
She's fine. She's experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall.
Mild discomfort? So I take it you've had one of these Braxton thingies?
So but everything's normal? Absolutely.
And and there's no danger to her or or the baby? No no.
Contractions can be unnerving if you don't know what they are, but she's fine.
Thank you, doctor.
Oh, thank you for being so nice and calm.
Calm? I wasn't calm! I've never been more scared in my entire life.
But wait you said everything was gonna be okay.
Well what do I know? ! I'm not a doctor!
But I But everything is ok. I'm fine! You sure?
Yes! Yes! I got half a mind to contract that doctor's uterus though. Mild discomfort, what's he talking about?
Oh hey hey! Is everything okay? Yes, everything's fine.
哦嗨。 你没事吧？ 没事。
What your your page said come to the hospital, what? What was it? What happened?
Something called Braxton Hicks contraction.
Oh. Oh. Thank God, That's no big deal, most women don't even feel them.
Ok, no uterus, no opinion.
What's with the candy? Oh when you beeped me I was on line at the concession stand at the movie theater.
Oh you went to the movies by yourself? No I-Mona!
Oh, I gotta go back in there.
What? Why? What's wrong?
No, everything's fine. I just gotta go back... No, really, you tell me. What's up?
Look, I forgot my underwear.
So, thanks so much for for bringing her to the hospital.
Oh hey, don't worry about it man. Don't worry about it, no big deal.
Yeah but still, I mean it should've been me. I'm the dad.
If you have any questions, here's some information on Braxton Hicks. Thanks.
Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. You're gonna make a wonderful father.
Hey, not as good as this guy. He brought Twizzlers.
There's got to be a way.
Easy there, Captain Kirk.
Oh, do you have a bobby pin? Yeah.
Oh, no, wait. I'm not a 9 year old girl.
Then why do you throw like one?
Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.
Oh, sure, "Monica."
So, how's the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?
Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any day now.
Well, you sure found that quick.
I just I wish I didn't feel this way about Rachel anymore, you know? I wish things could go back to normal.
I mean, I love living with her and God, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now I think...I think Ross feels left out. You know?
When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. God...You should've seen the look on Ross's face.
By the way, I have no idea what I'm doing here. For all I know, I'm just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?
That's a good idea. Okay.
So Ross is kind of bummed, huh?
I just...I feel terrible.
Well, it's not your fault. What are you gonna do, not take her to the hospital?
You know? You're doing nothing wrong. Except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman who's carrying his baby.
Richard, if you're in there, could you pass me my credit card?
I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. That massage felt so good.
No no, I I got that.
So, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment?
Ok. Ok well you should know though, I've raised my rates to $200 an hour.
Okay. I mean 500.
What's going on?
Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged!
What? Yeah, and it really freaked me out!
And after a while I even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on.
What? You're crazy. There's nothing sexual about the noises I make.
Really? There's nothing sexual about this? Oooh. Oh God! Ohh. Ohhhh. Ohh.
What are you looking at? I mean, hi.
Oh my This is so embarrassing. Oh my God, I'm I'm never gonna get massaged again!
No, you can't let this stop you from getting massages.
No look, I have, I have lots of clients that make the same noises you do!
Really? Well, not clients. Lovers.
Let's just you know, try it again. Come back and and we'll work through it.
You sure? Yes.
I guess. Great! Ok, now, just, if you'll just excuse me.
So did you hear something you liked?
Hey, Ross, check it out! I learned a new trick.
Hey, I brought you some lunch.
Oh, that's so sweet of you. Oh, yum.
Did you put pickles on this? Well, yeah.
What? What? Rach, what?
What's going on?
I made her favorite, tuna salad with pickles.
Pickle? Pickle makes her sick. Giving her pickle is like giving me salad.
I'm sorry Rach, I didn't know. Are you gonna be okay?
Yeah, I'll be fine. But could someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there?
I'm on it!
I can't believe this. I shouldn't be the one making her throw up.
Relax, Ross. It could happen to anyone.
Yeah, not to you. 'Cause you know this stuff. I don't know any of it and I'm the father.
I wish I could be more involved, you know?
Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.
Hey uh, can I, can I talk to you guys for a second?
Yeah. What's up?
Sit down. I wanna talk about our situation.
Are you breaking up with us?
The thing is because I live with Rachel, I'm here for a lot of stuff. And Ross...Ross is missing everything. So...
Maybe you two should live together.
Are you asking me to move out? You don't want me here?
Oh no no, no no, I love living with you. It just seems that...if you're gonna have a roommate, you know, it might as well be the father.
But, Joey, I don't think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I mean Or he does.
No I I I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we we can just try it like on a temporary basis.
But Ross, it's you and me.
So? Sure! But it it wouldn't be anything romantic. And I'm I'm dating Mona Damn it Mona!
I was supposed to meet her like an hour ago. What is wrong with me?
So, what do you think?
I don't know. Is it crazy? No, no, it's not...Joey, this is a smart idea.
Well, I was due.
Okay, let's do it. I'll move in.
Uh, Rach, that's great. That's great.
Not too shabby. I got this all off myself using my wife's tools.
Oh, my God.
How did you get in there?
No! You weren't supposed to see this!
I married Fred Sanford.
No, Chandler, you don't understand.
Ok! Ok! Ok! Fine! Now you know.
Ok? I'm you know...I'm sick. No, honey, you're not sick.
Look, I don't love you because you're organized. I love you in spite of that.
Promise you won't tell anyone? Yes.
And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around, can we share the closet?
Well...It's just...I'm afraid you might mess it up.
So Rachel's all moved out? How are you taking it?
I wanted to have a few beers, but I got rid of those because Rachel couldn't stand the smell of them.
So. I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium you know. And uh, it's a couple weeks past its expiration date, so it's got a bit of a kick.
Are you okay?
You kidding me? Yeah, I'm great. I'm better than great. I am good.
And now that she's gone, I can uh, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldn't do before. You know?
Like umm, I can walk around naked again. You know? I can uh, I can watch porn in the living room.
This is uh, this is good for me. You know? I like being on my own, I'm uh, better off this way. I'm uh, a lone wolf. You know? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever.
What's a wolf gotta do to get a hug around here?
That's it, just relax. Ohh. Oh! Ohh!
Come on, more. Oh, God!
Yeah, you like that don't you?
Yeah, right there.
You want it there? You take it there baby!
Phoebe? Yeah, say my name. Say it.
And now I'm going to cover you back up. And I won't be speaking with you for several weeks.