Phoebe: Oh hey Ross, oh so glad someone's here. Could you zip me up?
Phoebe: Thank you. Can you believe no one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me?
Ross: People. So why're you all dressed up?
Phoebe: Oh umm. Mike's picking me up for a date.
Ross: Oh yeah? Now um, how-how is that going, is it getting serious?
Phoebe: Oh I dunno, I dunno, you know I mean, I like him, but you know, am I ready to take my grade-A loins off the meat market? I'm not quite sure.
Ross: You know, I-I really admire your-your whole dating attitude, it's so healthy. I'm always like, is this moving too fast? Is this moving too slow? Where-where's this going?
Phoebe: Yeah, you know, you are a bit of a drama queen.
Ross: But you, you're so much better off.
Ross:You know, you just go from guy to guy having fun and not worrying that it never turns into anything serious.
Phoebe: I wouldn't say never, you know. There's that guy...Ok, what about...Ok, well there's gotta be someone.
Ross: There isn't. That's what I'm saying.
Phoebe: Oh my God, you're right!
Ross: I know, and yet here you are, all ready for the next date.
Phoebe: I can't believe I never realized this before.
Phoebe:I'm in my 30s and I've never been in a long-term relationship?
Phoebe:Oh my God! What's wrong with me?
Ross: No, no no, um, there's-there's nothing wrong with you. I mean, you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.
Phoebe: I wanna get married!
Ross: Uh please, please don't cry because of me, Pheebs. I don't know what I'm talking about ok. I've been divorced three times!
Phoebe: At least you've been married! Oh my God! I wanna trade lives with Ross!
Mike: Phoebe, what's wrong?
Phoebe: Nothing, I'm excited about our date.
Phoebe:Mike, this is Ross Geller. Ross, this is Mike Haaaaa...
Ross: I'm sorry, I didn't catch...
Mike: It's Mike Hanagen.
Ross: Oh, Ross Geller.
Mike: Hey, uh, so, are you sure you're ready to go?
Phoebe: Uh huh. How do I look?
Ross: Do you have a compact in your purse?
Ross: You look great.
Monica: Hey Joey.
Joey: Hey, this girl won't turn around and I can't tell whether she's hot or not, what'd you think?
Monica: Joey, I am not going to objectify woman with you!
Monica:But if her face is as nice as her ass, woah mama!
Joey: All right thanks. Oh hey, have you talked to Chandler?
Monica: Yeah, he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend.
Joey: How come?
Monica: I don't know, he has to work, there's some big rush on the...Ah, damn it, one of these days I'm gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job.
Joey: Hey, why don't you fly out there and surprise him?
Monica: Oh I'd love to, I really miss him, but I can't, I have to, I have one day off work and it's just too expensive.
Joey: Oh, interesting. So, Chandler is not worth the price of a plane ticket to you, Hmm.
Monica: Of course he is. Maybe I will go....Yeah, we'll have a little second honeymoon at the Tulsa Ramada.
Joey: Oh and you know what you should bring? The black see-through teddy with the attached garters.
Monica: How do you know I have one of those?
Joey: Didn't till just now.
Joey: Hot not hot. Hot!
Hayley: Excuse me?
Joey: I-I said that I think you're hot and uh now I'm embarrassed.
Hayley: Oh I-I thought you said "Hi."
Joey: That would've been better, I'll try that. Hi, I-I'm Joey.
Hayley: I'm Hayley.
Joey: Look, I don't normally ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses...
Joey: Gesundheit! But uh...Wow, this is hard, I'm kinda shy.
Joey: Seriously Gunther, you should see someone about that cold. If it gets much worse you could Die! Anyway...
Hayley: I would love to go out with you.
Joey: Really? Great! Did I, did I actually ask you?
Hayley: Oh, um, that's just where you were going. I figured I'd help you out, you don't seem like the kind of guy who does this a lot?
Joey: Damn it Gunther, you give it to me!
Phoebe: Oh, it's you.
Ross: With vegetarian corn dogs. Come on Phebes, I just wanna talk to you.
Phoebe: Oh, About what? How few ova I have left?
Ross: Come on, I-I just want to apologize for what happened yesterday.
Ross:I'm sorry Phoebe, that's ok, Ross. Mmmm.
Ross:So uh, how'd the date go?
Phoebe: Well, it was awful! I barely got to dinner, ok? Every time I thought about what you said, I started crying.
Phoebe:Yeah, I'm pretty sure he spent the most of the night just staring at me in horror.
Phoebe:But you know, I couldn't know for sure, 'cause my eyes were swollen shut.
Ross: You know I wasn't trying to make you cry. I-I was really trying to say something nice.
Ross:I mean, I-I was basically saying, even though you've never been in a serious relationship...
Phoebe: Are we really gonna do this again?
Ross: Sorry. So, he hasn't called?
Phoebe: Would you call this girl? Thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing.
Ross: Now I feel terrible, this is all my fault.
Phoebe: Well, you know what you should feel terrible about? This could've been my serious guy!
Phoebe: He was, he was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?
Ross: We are a rare breed.
Ross: Hey, hey, maybe that's him.
Phoebe: Hello? Could you hold on one sec? I need some privacy.
Ross: Is it Mike?
Phoebe: No, it's a heavy breather. I'll take what I can get. I'm listening.
Hayley: What a great dinner.
Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks again for letting me have that last piece of cake at the restaurant.
Hayley: You're welcome again. I'm gonna make some coffee. Can I get you anything?
Joey: Uh, do you have any cake?
Joey: So, this is going pretty good.
Joey:Dinner was nice, got a lot in common. Woo, Victoria's secret, huh, we even like the same books.
Joey:Oh, there's a scary painting. Wait a minute! I think I've been scared by that painting before.
Joey:You know what, this whole place looks familiar!
Joey:I have definitely been in this apartment! I know I've seen this weird plant before Aw! It did that the last time!
Joey:Oh my God, I've gone out with this girl before!
Joey:Yeah, we had sex on this couch and then on that chair and...no, no, we didn't do it here, which is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place.
Joey:Aw! That's why.
Ross: Hey Mike, uh, sorry to just drop by like this, can I come in?
Mike: Sure. Who are you?
Ross: I'm-I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from-from the coffee house.
Ross: Yeah, I really, really need to talk to you about something.
Mike: OK, unless...you're not gonna try to get me to join a cult, are you?
Mike: Oh, nah, it's just, you know, you have that look.
Ross: Damn Supercuts!
Mike: Wh-what's up? Is Phoebe OK?
Ross: Oh no, yeah, yeah, no, Phoebe, is great, but umm...I'm an idiot. Ok? Look, look, right before you guys went out, I, um, I accidentally um, got her all upset.
Mike: Awh, that's why she was weird.
Ross: Yes, yeah, I-, yeah, um, I, um, yeah, I-I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a-a wonderful person!
Ross:Please don't blow her off.
Mike: I'm not, gonna blow her off.
Mike:I actually just got off the phone with her. We're going out tomorrow night.
Mike:I mean, I hope that's OK with you, stranger from the coffee house.
Ross: No, yes. It'ssss great. I, so, the, the crying didn't turn you off.
Mike: Yeah. Look Ross, I just got off a nine-year-relationship with a manic-depressive. Compared to that, Phoebe's a Mousketeer.
Ross: Well then, I-I-I didn't need to bother you, um, you, or the four other Mike Hanagens I bothered.
Ross:One of whom was uh, quite large and-and a little flirty. So.
Mike: Hey wait wait wait! Is that true what you said? Phoebe's never had a serious relationship?
Ross: Of course she has. If she's never had a serious relationship, You think I'd go around broadcasting it like some kind of unstoppable moron?
Mike: But you did say it.
Ross: Yes, yes I did.
Ross:And I will also say what I'm about to say, vis-a-vis, the following, Phoebe has never had a serious relationship, since her...super-serious relationship with...Vicrum.
Ross: What, that's a real name!
Chandler: Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain...
Chandler:Stop it! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas?
Chandler:Seven o'clock. Maybe I'll hit the gym.
Chandler:Who am I kidding? Pay-per-view porn.
Chandler: Do not disturb! Do not disturb!
Monica: Is everything all right?
Chandler: Yeah, everything's great, just watching some regular television there, aw, what-what a pleasant surprise.
Monica: I'm gonna go freshen up, OK?
Chandler: OK honey...
Chandler:Woo, that was close. Oh, the yellow rose of Texas You're not even there!
Monica: Hey, Rach, it's me.
Monica: OK, I just got to Chandler's room and I caught him molesting himself.
Rachel: Oh, that couldn't've been pretty. But you know, guys do that.
Monica: Yeah, well, the weird part is...he was getting off to a shark attack show!
Monica: Yes! Chandler watches shark porn!
Rachel: Well, watching sharks? Are you sure that's what he was doing?
Monica: Do you know how many times I've seen him jump up like that?
Monica:Believe me, I know what he was doing.
Rachel: Man, sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude.
Rachel:But you promised to love him no matter what.
Monica: What means like if he gets like a disease or kills someone.
Monica:Not if he gets his jollies to Jaws!
Rachel:You know what hell honey? Guys are just different.
Rachel:They like things that we can't understand.
Rachel:You know, I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend that he was an archeologist and that I was this naughty cave woman who he unfroze from a block of ice.
Monica: Eww, are-are you talking about my bother?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn't disguise that very well, did I.
Joey: Listen to this...I went out with this girl last night. Half way through our date, I realized, I already slept with her!
Rachel: So basically, you've slept with all the woman in New York and now you're just going around again.
Joey: Well that's not even the weird part.
Joey:I don't think she remembered sleeping with me.
Monica: But you don't remember sleeping with her.
Joey: Yeah, but she should remember sleeping with me! I am very memorable, you guys know.
Rachel: What, how do we know, we never slept with you.
Joey: And whose fault is that?
Monica: What's the big deal, you forgot, she forgot, maybe you were having an off night.
Joey: Hey! I never have an off night, OK, although, sometimes if I'm a little bloated I don't feel that sexy, but even that I'm better than most!
Monica: Honey, why don't you just let it go and ask her out again?
Rachel: Yeah, you're both so slutty you don't even remember who you've slept with! You're made for each other.
Joey: Interesting. You know. All right, Well I'll-I'll go out with her again and I'll try to get past it Oh salt, bloaty!
Monica: Joey, You don't think sharks are sexy do you?
Joey: No. Wait a minute, what was the little mermaid?
Phoebe: It's open.
Phoebe: Hey! Mike called, we're going out again! Yay! Yay!
Ross: Yay! Quick thing, Um, I went to talk to Mike.
Phoebe: What? Wh-what did you, what did you do, Ross!
Ross: Oh boy, you got mad at that part.
Ross:I-I went over there you know to-to tell him how-how great you are, but, well you-you know me, blah blah blah, and I-I ended up telling him, um...that...
Phoebe: What? !
Ross: Umm...you had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vicrum.
Phoebe: What? Why!
Ross: Well, he seemed bummed hard that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe: If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!
Ross: Well Phoebe, I think you'll feel differently when you know a little bit about Vicrum.
Ross:Ok, he's a, um, he's a kite designer!
Ross:And he used to date Oprah!
Phoebe: I'm not going along with some lie you made up, Ross. No, I'm just, I'm just gonna be honest with him.
Ross: Good, yeah, just-just be honest with him.
Phoebe: Yeah, I've nothing to be ashamed of.
Phoebe:OK, so, all right, I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month.
Phoebe:OK, I-I haven't had a real boyfriend.
Phoebe:You know, if he can't handle that, then he can leave.
Phoebe:Which he will, and you know, that's OK. So, I'll just be alone forever, you know, alright, I'll be...it'll be fine, it'll be fine. I'll go on, I'll go on walking tours with widows and lesbians.
Ross: I'll get it.
Mike: I'm trying to remember the last time I opened a door and you weren't there. Phoebe, are you OK?
Phoebe: Uh huh, yeah. There's just, umm, there's something you should know... Vicrum just called.
Hayley: So it was really a shock. After 25 years of marriage, my parents, a perfect couple, are getting divorced.
Hayley:I kinda took it the hardest 'cause I was the youngest.
Joey: Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me?
Joey: How could you not remember that we slept together?
Hayley: What! When?
Joey: I don't know!
Hayley: I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you.
Joey: Come on, come on, search your brain. All right. it was...a certain amount of time ago, ok, I was here, you were here, we had sex here, here, here, not there. Anything?
Hayley: No, it's not ringing any bells.
Joey: My God, woman! How many people do you have to have been with not to remember any of this?
Joey:Hayley's roommate: Hey Hayley, you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey? !
Joey: Oooooh, I slept with you!
Joey:And you obviously remember me.
Joey:Hey! I still got it. So we're good. I'll let myself out.
Phoebe: and I-I said, ok, Vicrum, you can't just call every time you get lonely, you know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.
Mike: But Rachel, I thought she just had a baby with Ross.
Phoebe: Yeah, well yeah, you know, but Emma's birth certificate might say Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee.
Mike: That is so wrong and on top of that he's a glue sniffer?
Phoebe: I know but he calls and my heart goes to him.
Phoebe:You know that bastard is one smooth-talking freelance kite designer.
Mike: If you want, you know, I'll mess him up for you.
Phoebe: You would do that?
Mike: Yeah! Unless he's big. I mean, if he's really big, I'll send the bum... a rude letter.
Mike:I just, I think there's somebody better out there for you, I mean you know, I'm not saying me, but... maybe me.
Mike: And you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me.
Mike:Although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah. Ah anyway, I just, I think I can make you happy.
Phoebe: OK I can't do this.
Mike: What's wrong?
Phoebe: Well, there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I-I really never have been in a long-term relationship, I've never, I've never lived with a guy, and I've never even celebrated an anniversary so...
Phoebe:you know if that's, that's too weird for you and-and you wanna leave I totally understand. In fact I'll-I'll close my eyes, make it less awkward.
Phoebe:You kissed me.
Mike: Uh huh.
Phoebe: So you don't think I'm a total freak.
Mike: No. Well...look, can I, can I think you're a little weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you?
Phoebe: I guess so, can I, can I think it's cool that you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again? And umm, be a little concerned about the magic markers?
Ross: This is Vicrum. I need to talk to you about the long-term relationship we had. Call me. I am in my kite-making studio.
Chandler: Hi honey, I'm home.
Monica: Hey, how was your flight?
Chandler: Oh, It was great. I ordered a pool float from the Sky Mall.
Chandler: Why'd I do that?
Monica: Why don't you sit down. Get yourself comfortable. Because I have a little surprise for you.
Chandler: Well, well, well. It must be 5:00 in Tulsa because it's "sex o'clock" in N.Y.C. !
Monica: OK.This is how much I love you.
Monica:The great white...
Chandler: Honey, why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?
Monica: Is this, is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something toothier?
Chandler: No, I'm-I'm just not sure that you got the right movie, that's all.
Monica: Oh, this is the only one they had at our video store, but they did have something called crocodile killers. Or does it always have to be sharks?
Chandler: Does what always have to be sharks?
Monica: Honey, look, we can do something else, do you want me to get into the tub and thrash?
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: Sweetie it's OK, it's OK, I still love you, let me be a part of this.
Chandler: Let me be a part of this!
Monica: I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. Angry sharks turn you on!
Chandler: No they don't.
Monica: Then why were you watching them and giving yourself a treat?
Chandler: Oh my God! When you came in, I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn!
Chandler: Yes, just some good old-fashioned American girl-on-girl action.
Monica: I cannot tell you how happy that makes me!
Chandler: You are an amazing wife.
Chandler:No really, you're amazing! I mean, you were actually gonna do this for me? I mean, where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that?
Monica: I'm very, very drunk right now.
Joey: See, ordinarily I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken...did I sleep with her? did I not sleep with her?
Phoebe: You know, maybe this is a wake-up call, you know, about-about your whole dating attitude.
Phoebe:You're in your 30's and you have never been in a long-term relationship, you know you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience, never even worrying that it doesn't turn into something more serious?
Joey: You're right! I love my life!
Joey:Actually did sleep with her.