Monica: Hey hon, would you help me get the plates down?
Chandler: Yeah. Hey, here's an idea, why don't we use our wedding china today?
Monica: Or, we can save them for a, a fancy special occasion.
Chandler: How about this, you could treat me like I'm an equal, or, talk down to me like I'm a child.
Monica: No, I just think that we should save our china for something really special, like, if the Queen of England comes over.
Chandler: Honey, she keeps canceling on us. Take the hint.
Monica: What if something gets broken? They're so expensive!
Chandler: What is the point of having them if we never use them?
Monica: Ok, but if something gets broken, and then the Queen comes over...
Chandler: I will explain it to her.
Monica: Oh yeah, like I'm gonna let you talk to the Queen.
Joey: Wow, the parade is really good this year. Man those horses can crap!
TV announcer: Next up is a marching band from Muskogee, Oaklahoma.
Chandler: Muskogee! That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo-hoo! Y'all look great! That's right, I said "y'all!"
TV announcer: And here's the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives.
Joey: Oh my God!
Chandler: Aren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives?
Joey: Yeah! I totally forgot I'm supposed to be there. I can't believe I forgot. I usually write stuff like this down on my arm.
Joey: Oh! Stupid long sleeves.
Chandler: What are you gonna do?
Joey: I guess I'm gonna have to come up with a really good reason why I wasn't there.
Joey: The producers are gonna be so mad at me. They sat us all down yesterday and said "Everyone has to be there at 6:00 AM sharp, that means you Tribbiani."
Joey: Like...like I was some kinda idiot.
Chandler: Well you proved them wrong.
Rachel: Oh Emma. This is your first Thanksgiving. What're you thankful for? Mommy's bobbies.
Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those.
Ross: Woman at door: Hello? Rachel?
Rachel: Who is it?
Woman at door: It's your favorite sister.
Woman at door: Amy.
Rachel: Hide my rings.
Rachel: Oh. Amy! Happy Thanksgiving.
Amy: Do you have a hair straightener?
Amy: Hair straightener?
Rachel: I haven't seen you in like a year.
Amy: Oh, I know, I know. I've just been crazed.
Rachel: Oh well yeah me too. Um...I had a baby.
Amy: I decorated Dad's office.
Rachel: Oh...yeah? Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.
Amy: Listen, um, about the hair straightener, honey...I really need one. I'm gonna have dinner at my boyfriend's house.
Amy: Oh my God!
Rachel: mh hmm...
Amy: Is this Emmett?
Rachel: Uhh, it's Emma.
Amy: It's a girl?
Ross: Hey Amy.
Rachel: Oh Amy, you remember Ross.
Amy: Not really. But you are much cuter then that geeky guy she used to date.
Ross: That was me.
Amy: No, he was this creepy guy from high school who had this huge crush on her since like the ninth grade.
Ross: Still me.
Amy: No, I'm not talking about you. Come on, it was your fat friend's brother with that bad Afro, do you remember?
Ross: Amy, I'm gonna save you some time, ok? All me.
Monica: Careful. Careful. Careful!
Chandler: I'll tell you what, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise. hey this isn't the china we picked out.
Monica: I know, after you left the store, I chose different ones.
Monica: Well no offense honey, but your taste is a little feminine for me.
Chandler: Oh suddenly, flowers are feminine?
Phoebe: Hey, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving!
Joey: Hey happy Thanksgiving...Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hey, what's going on Joe?
Joey: I...I...I need a good lie.
Phoebe: Oh ok. How about the whole "man walking on the moon" thing. You know?
Phoebe: You-you could. You could see the strings people!
Joey: No, no, no. I need a good lie to explain why I wasn't at a work thing today.
Phoebe: Ooh, honey. You stink at lying.
Joey: Well, I do not.
Phoebe: Oh really? Ok, let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffee house, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, my muffin was gone-who took it?
Joey: Somebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in, and went straight for your muffin, I said "Hey! Don't eat that-that's Phoebe's" and he said...
Joey: He said..."Joey you stink at lying." What am I gonna do?
Phoebe: Don't worry, don't. We'll come up with a good lie. I'll help you practice it.
Joey: Oh great, that'd be great. Thank you.
Phoebe: Sure, what...what was the work thing?
Phoebe: "Pick up grandma at the airport"?
Amy: Oh, she's precious.
Amy:Do you ever worry that she's gonna get your real nose?
Rachel: Yes I do...I really do.
Amy: Hello? Yeah, um. Hang on one sec. Can I take this upstairs?
Ross: Sure, we don't live there, but...
Amy: Seriously? It's...just these rooms? I thought you were a doctor.
Rachel: Yeah, no. Ross has a-a PhD.
Rachel: God, she is unbelievable.
Ross: I know, I mean a PhD is just as good as an MD.
Rachel: Oh sure Ross, yeah. If I ever have a heart attack in a restaurant, I want you there with your fossil brush.
Amy: Stupid Thanksgiving.
Rachel: What? What happened?
Amy: My boyfriend canceled on me.
Amy: I mean...I-I finally find a real relationship. I mean, someone that I can spend this day with and then his wife comes back into town.
Amy: I swear, it's-it's almost not even worth dating married guys.
Ross: Don't say that.
Amy: Oh. I was so looking forward to this.
Amy: It was gonna be such a beautiful Thanksgiving. We were gonna have sushi.
Rachel: Oh Amy, don't cry Amy. Um...Ross, could I talk to you in private?
Ross: Sure, you wanna go upstairs?
Rachel: Um, look, I was thinking...If it's ok with Monica, I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
Ross: You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.
Rachel: Look I know she's a little tough to take.
Rachel: But she has no where else to go, and she's my sister. Alright, she's Emma's aunt.
Rachel: And I would like them to bond.
Ross: Ok, fine, but I-I don't want them bonding too much. I don't want her telling Emma she needs a nose job.
Rachel: Wh? Ross, you know what? She may need one...We're just gonna have to make our peace with that!
Rachel: Amy? Amy? Amy!
Amy: I'm out in the hall, your baby had some sort of explosion of stink.
Ross: The bonding is going great.
Everyone: Hi, hey.
Rachel: Hey you guys, this is my sister Amy.
Rachel: This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and you know Mon.
Amy: Oh my god. You're on Days of Our Lives.
Amy: Wow. They must put a lot of makeup on you.
Joey: Hap...Hap...Happy Thanksgiving, yeah.
Monica: So welcome. Uhm, is this your first time you're seeing Emma?
Amy: Yeah I...I think so. It's nice to meet you Emma.
Amy: Oh. That's a funny noise.
Joey: Pheebs, I still need some help here.
Phoebe: Oh, right, ok um. Ok, so it's not just the lie you tell, but it's the way you tell it. For example, if you look down at the ground when you're talking, people know you're lying.
Joey: Oh...I don't know why this is so hard for me. you know...I mean lying is basically just acting and I am a terrific actor.
Phoebe: You are a terrific actor.
Chandler: I could talk to the producers for you. I'm a great liar.
Chandler: Take Monica's dress, I said I loved it, I hated it.
Chandler: I'm also a great moron.
Amy: Where's the baby?
Rachel: Oh we just put her down for a nap.
Amy: Oh, listen, I was just thinking.
Amy: You know what would be incredible? If you guys died.
Ross: Thank you Amy.
Amy: No, no, then I would get the baby.
Amy: I mean you know it would be just like a movie. Like at first I wouldn't know what to do with her, and then I would rise to the occasion and then, and then I'd get make over and then I'd get married.
Phoebe: That's a great movie.
Amy: Now, listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything 'cause you know, you'd be dead. But, I was thinking about changing her name.
Amy: I'm just not really a big fan of Emily.
Amy: Emma, Ross wants you.
Amy: Why does she keep making that noise?
Rachel: Honey, I-I don't know how to tell you this, but um, if something were to happen to Ross or myself, um, you wouldn't get the baby.
Amy: Well, who would?
Ross: Well, we haven't offically asked them yet, but we would want Monica and Chandler.
Ross: You're in their apartment.
Chandler: I can't believe you'd want us to raise Emma.
Monica: Yeah oh my God, I'm so moved.
Amy: I don't believe this, hold on a second. You guys die and I don't get your baby?
Rachel: Look, Amy, see, we-we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them every day. And truthfully honey, you don't seem very connected to the baby.
Amy: Connected? I mean...to what? She's...she's a lump.
Chandler: You know, guys, I gotta say, this means so much to me. I mean, that you would trust me, with your child.
Chandler: I mean, we all know that Monica and I've been trying to have a baby of our own.
Chandler: And you know I've had my doubts about my skills as a father, but that you two...that you two....
Amy: This guy? Seriously?
Monica: Ok! It's time for dinner.
Monica: Everyone, we-we're using our fancy china...um and it's-it's very expensive, so please be careful.
Ross: Woah. Woah...Woah.
Monica: Ok, uh, just to be clear, comedy with the plates will not be well recieved.
Joey: Hey! How come my plate's less fancy then everyone else's? Do you not trust me with a fancy plate?
Monica: No, honey, it's, that's a special plate. See it was-it's a game, whoever gets that plate wins.
Joey: I can't believe I won.
Amy: You know, this's such a slap in the face. I mean I'm your sister and you would give your baby to these strangers over me.
Rachel: Monica is Ross' sister.
Amy: No, Ross' sister was really fat.
Monica: That was me.
Amy: No, she was this really dorky girl in high school, used to follow Rachel around like a puppy dog.
Rachel: Ok. Hey Amy, you got to stop doing that.
Monica: Ok, uh listen I know that you're having a little bit of a family crisis, but you don't have to take it out on the plates.
Monica: I mean, in-in fact I think that, that everyone should, uhm, cut their food like this.
Monica: Now, see, uh this way you protect the plates...and-and let's face it, you have fun.
Amy: Ok, how about this, if you guys die and the crazy plate lady dies, then do I get the baby?
Chandler: No, if crazy plate lad...If Monica dies then I would get Emma, Right?
Rachel: Well, actually...
Chandler: Actually what?
Ross: Uh...it's just, it's just in that case, then, um, Emma would go to my parents.
Amy: Hurts, doesn't it?
Joey: Uh...who has to die for me to get her?
Chandler: So, if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: No, that, that is not what we're saying.
Joey: Yeah he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler: Well what is wrong with me? Am I...am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!
Rachel: Honey, you're taking this the wrong way. We-we think you're going to be a wonderful parent. It's just...you-you're more the, you know, fun parent.
Ross: Yeah and we'd want to make sure that Emma also has someone like Monica who is more of a, a discliplinarin, someone who can be firm and strict.
Monica: That's not how you see me, is it?
Phoebe: No you're all about the fun.
Chandler: Look, I may not know a lot about babies, but do you really think I'm not capable?
Ross: No, you-you both are equally capable. It's-it's just...you're strongest when, when you're together.
Chandler: Ok. So if we both had Emma and I died she had have to give her up.
Ross: Sure, Monica would have to give her up.
Joey: I lie better then that, right?
Chandler: So, let me, let me just get this straight.
Chandler: So my two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies, then Emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?
Phoebe: There's your movie!
Monica: Hey. There you are.
Monica: You disappeared after dinner.
Chandler: Oh? Did somebody miss me? Is there a child to raise poorly?
Monica: Ross and Rachel don't know what they're talking about. I mean it's not like their so responsible.
Monica: Emma is a product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.
Chandler: Yeah but they're right. I mean, I'm not a strong father figure and I never will be.
Monica: No, you learn these things. You grow-grow into it.
Chandler: Yeah, but it's not who I am.
Chandler: You know? Everything they said is exaclty why I was worried about having a kid. And it's true.
Chandler: And look, everybody knows it.
Monica: I don't know it! I wanna have a kid with you because I think you're gonna be an amazing dad...at the fun parts and the hard parts.
Chandler: Oh yeah, well, can you picture me saying "Go to your room! You're grounded"?
Monica: Can you hear me say "You're grounded"?
Chandler: You said that to me last week.
Monica: How hard is it? No shoes on the furniture.
Joey: The producer from Days left a message on my machine asking why I wasn't at the parade.
Joey: They said everybody's really pissed off at me...And they all got to meet Santa!
Phoebe: It's ok. I thought of the perfect lie for you.
Phoebe: It's simple, it's easy to remember and doesn't invite a lot of questions.
Joey: Does it have something to do with a spaceship? Oh no no no no, the Statue of Liberty came to life, and...
Phoebe: Shhh. You weren't at the parade because you had a family emergency.
Joey: Oh, I like that, yeah. Wasn't at the parade because I had a family emergency.
Phoebe: Ooh, what happened?
Joey: Uh...my sister's raccoon...
Phoebe: No! Nothing with a raccoon.
Joey: Alright, I'll take care of it.
Monica: Oh wait...what-what're you doing?
Joey: Setting the table.
Phoebe: Yeah we thought it would be nice to use, the fancy china for dessert too.
Monica: Oh, how nice. Maybe later we can all go blow our noses on my wedding dress.
Ross: Hey dude, you ok? Sorry about before.
Chandler: Oh no that's ok, you're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child.
Chandler: But it did hurt my feelings and I want you to know that if I die, you don't get Joey.
Amy: Ucch. Uchh In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not talking to you.
Amy: You know...this is, this is classic Rachel.
Rachel: Oh yeah, yeah, right. Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby?
Amy: This might be my one chance to have a child, Rachel. I mean, you know that I have been so busy focusing on my carrer.
Rachel: What? What carrer?
Amy: Um...I'm a decorator.
Rachel: You decorate dad's office and now you're a decorator?
Rachel: Ok! I went to the zoo yesterday, now I'm a koala bear.
Amy: Why can't you ever be supportive?
Rachel: Sup...You wanna talk supportive? You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.
Amy: Oh. Yeah. Well, you didn't come to see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done.
Rachel: I did the first time!
Rachel: Oh. Oh And you know what. You wanna know why I'm not giving Emily to you.
Rachel: Oh whose side are you on? I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle the responibility of a child.
Amy: Well how hard could it be? You do it.
Amy: Do I know why you don't wanna me to have the baby?
Rachel: Uh huh.
Amy: Because you don't want me to be happy. You-you have always been jealous of me.
Rachel: Jealous of what? Of your lack of responsiblity? You, your immaturity? Your total disregard for other people's feelings?
Amy: Uh...To name a few.
Amy: You know, you just, you've always been like this. You just, you had to have everything. And I couldn't have anything.
Amy: Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me. I mean, do you even realize how much that hurt me?
Rachel: Timmy was my boyfriend, and you made out with him!
Amy: Oh come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it.
Rachel: I cannot believe, I cannot believe that I invited you here today.
Amy: Yeah, well you know what I cannot believe.
Amy: That my so-called sister, gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren and I still have to pay retail? !
Rachel: Ha ha ha. Ah ha ha. It's forty five.
Amy: You bitch.
Amy: You just think you're so perfect. With your new baby and your, your small apartment.
Amy: Well let me tell you something. Your baby isn't even that cute.
Ross walks over: Too far, Amy. Too far.
Rachel: You take that back.
Rachel: Take it back!
Amy: No! What're you gonna do? Make me?
Rachel: Heey man, I work out.
Amy: So do I.
Rachel: I do pilates.
Amy: I do yoga.
Rachel: Bring it on!
Monica: Put the plates back in the boxes! Put the plates back in the boxes!
Rachel: Did you just push me?
Amy: Uh, yeah, I think I did.
Rachel: Alright. Thats it!
Monica: Forget the bubblewrap! There isn't time!
Rachel: Frizzy frizzy frizzy frizzy!
Phoebe: Oh my gosh! Shouldn't we stop this?
Joey: What? Are you out of your mind? Let's throw some jello on them.
Phoebe: Hey, someone can get hurt.
Ross: Kick her, Rachel, kick her!
Joey: Pull her top off, Rachel! Pull her top off!
Rachel: Ew! Gross.
Chandler: Alright! That is it.
Chandler: This is our apartment and you can not behave this way.
Chandler: Now if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be here at all.
Chandler: Now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones that I picked out, but they're very important to Monica.
Chandler: And I want you to apologize to her right now.
Amy: I'm sorry.
Rachel: Mon, I'm so sorry.
Chandler: Ok. That's better.
Chandler: Now I want you to apologize to each other and mean it.
Chandler: Amy and Rachel: Sorry.
Chandler: By the way, that fight was totally arousing.
Ross: Dude. Well done.
Ross: You know what? If-if I die, and Rachel dies and Monica dies you can totally take care of Emma.
Chandler: Oh yeah? Well thanks.
Ross: So, so now do I get Joey?
Chandler: Ok, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose.
Rachel: Are you ok Mon?
Monica: Uh huh...I mean these things happen.
Monica: I mean it's just a plate, not like somebody died.
Phoebe: That's all right. You can mourn.
Monica: Thank you. It was so beautiful.
Monica: I'm gonna go to Joeys and get the pies.
Joey: Actually not pies, it's just pie.
Monica: I don't care.
Monica: Oh my god. I've lost the will to scold.
Rachel: Look Amy, got a little um, it's out of control over there...Um...and I'm sorry.
Rachel: You're my sister and uh...if it really means that much to you...
Amy: So you're gonna give me the baby?
Rachel: No, I was, I was gonna let you use my Ralph Lauren discount.
Amy: You are not gonna regret this.
Rachel: She needs changing.
Chandler: Oh no no, I'll get her. I'm super-compentent, totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma.
Chandler: I'll be right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here.
Chandler: Well, what'd you know? I guess I'll be the one who dies first.
Phoebe: Hey, does Monica know about her broken plates yet?
Phoebe: Broke them all, huh?
Phoebe: You gonna tell her?
Chandler: Nope. Hey, so, I'm gonna...put the plates back.
Chandler: You know, I think you were right, I don't think we should use these plates again for a long time.
Monica: Like only if the queen comes?
Chandler: Maybe not even then.
Joey: Hey! I did it.
Joey: I called my producer. I told him I had a family emergency, he totally bought it.
Joey: Thanks for teaching me how to lie Phoebe.
Phoebe: No problem! Next week, stealing...
Monica: Bye plates!
Joey: Oh, you told her you broke all the plates, huh?
Monica: What? Something happened with the plates?
Joey: Uhm...Yeah...this uhm...raccoon came in.
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