Monica: Good morning, Tiger! I'm making you a nice big breakfast so you can keep up your strength for tonight. You're gonna get me good and pregnant.
Chandler: I've got nowhere to go this morning. I'm unemployed! I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.
Monica: Well, I just lost my erection.
Chandler: No, I mean, what am I supposed to do with myself?
Monica: You're supposed to find your passion in life. You can be whatever you wanna be now. It's-it's exciting.
Chandler: But it's all so overwhelming. I don't know where to start.
Monica: Hey, wait a second. I can help you with this.
Monica: You just need to be organized. OK we can make a list of your qualifications, and categorize jobs by industry.
Monica: There-there could be folders, and files!
Chandler: Hey! This is where your hyper-organized-pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off!
Monica: I know!
Monica: My erection is back!
Joey: Thank you!
Phoebe: Oh Joey, can I have a sip of your coffee and a bite of your muffin?
Phoebe: Thank you.
Joey: Thank you!
Joey: Ah, Phoebes, have you ever been bitten by a hungry Italian?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, it's just, I'm a little short on cash.
Joey: Uh, oh if you want, I could loan you some money?
Phoebe: Oh no, no, no. I learned never to borrow money from friends.
Phoebe: No, that, that's why Richard Dreyfus and I don't speak anymore.
Joey: Oh, Why-why don't you just sponge off your boyfriend?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, right, the unemployed piano player who gave his trust fund to charity? I'm splitting the muffin with him.
Joey: Oh, hey, how about this?
Joey: Wanna be an extra on my show?
Phoebe: You could do that?
Joey: Yeah, yeah. The pay is pretty good and you could do it for as long as you need.
Phoebe: Oh my god, I'm gonna be on TV!
Joey: OK, now. I gotta tell you, being on TV isn't as glamorous and exciting as you think.
Phoebe: Oh, really?
Joey: No, it is awesome!
Ross: Hey you guys.
Phoebe: Wow! Hey, why are you all dressed up?
Ross: Oh, Rachel and I are bringing Emma to Ralph Lauren today to introduce her to everyone.
Ross: Doesn't she look cute?
Joey: She sure does.
Joey: Why-why does she have a pink bow taped to her head?
Rachel: Well, because if one more person says "what a cute little boy" I'm gonna whip them with a car antenna!
Ross: I think she's gonna be the hit of the office, huh?
Ross: Yeah, she's gonna be hotter than uh, than peasant blouses and A-line skirts. Can I get a blue bow?
Monica: OK, I have looked through a bunch of career guides, photocopied and highlighted key passages and put them into alphabetical folders so you, can make an informed decision.
Chandler: How long was I in there?
Monica: OK.Let us start with the 'A's. Advertising.
Chandler: Wait. Advertising! That's a great idea!
Monica: Well don't you wanna look at the rest?
Chandler: I don't think I have to hear the rest. Advertising makes perfect sense.
Chandler: Sorry you had to waste all this time, though.
Monica: You call eight hours alone with my label maker wasted time? Ooh, now I get to use my shredder!
Chandler: I mean, I can write slogans. I mean, how hard could it be, right?
Chandler: "Cheese. It's milk that you chew."
Chandler: "Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy."
Chandler: "A grape. Because who can get a watermelon in your mouth?"
Monica: I got one. "Socks. Because your family's feet deserve the best."
Chandler: Honey? Leave it to the pros.
Monica: I actually know someone in advertising.
Monica: I grew up with this guy who is a vice president at-at a big agency.
Monica: Maybe I can get him to meet you? Give me the phone.
Chandler: "The phone. Bringing you closer to people...who have phones."
Monica: "Marriage. It's not for everybody."
Rachel: That went well. Almost everybody knew that she was a girl.
Ross: Yeah, after you punched that one guy who got it wrong, word spread.
Rachel: All right, I'm just gonna go into my office and pick up some stuff.
Rachel: Who-who the hell are you! ?
Guy: Who the hell are you?
Rachel: I'm the hell person whose office this is!
Ross: Good one, Rach.
Guy: I'm Gavin Mitchell, the person who's taken over your job.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Gavin: Oh, your baby's so cute.
Gavin: Why did you put a pink bow on a boy?
Phoebe: Hey Joey, look at me! I'm a nurse!
Joey: Yes you are. I think it may be time for my sponge bath.
Joey: Sorry, I'm just so used to hitting on the extras.
Joey: So, are you excited about your scene?
Phoebe: Yeah! But I'm a little shaky and nervous.
Joey: Oh, relax. Don't be. You'll be fine, you'll be fine. They'll probably just make you stand in the back.
Director: Ok, ok, ok! You. Here, come here, here.
Director: You're gonna take this tray, you're gonna stay on this yellow mark. You're gonna move on "action!"
Director: You're gonna walk over to the operating table. You're gonna stop on that blue mark, you're gonna put the tray down.
Director: Don't walk too fast! But don't dawdle.
Phoebe: Ok, now, what?
Director: Cut! Cut!
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous.
Director: Well, don't be.
Phoebe: OK, that helps.
Joey: Hey, you know what? Don't worry about it, Phoebes! It usually takes me three takes too! Alright, eight.
Interviewer: So, do you have any other questions about advertising?
Chandler: No, no. But let me show you what I can do.
Chandler: "Bagels and donuts. Round food for every mood."
Interviewer: Monica warned me you might do that.
Interviewer: I actually think we might have something for you at the agency.
Chandler: Really? That's great!
Interviewer: It's an unpaid internship.
Chandler: It's funny. When-when you said "unpaid" it sounded like you said "unpaid."
Interviewer: It won't be forever. It just takes a year to get a good portfolio together.
Chandler: Well, I can skip a couple of steps, right? I mean, you did hear my round food thing.
Interviewer: Look, you're changing careers. I mean, no matter what you do, you're gonna have to start at the bottom.
Interviewer: It's gonna be years before you're making anything near as much as you were before.
Chandler: So you're paying the check, right?
Interviewer: Come on now. Monica has a good job. And it's not like you have a family to support.
Chandler: Well, actually, we're trying, and I don't think Monica's gonna wanna postpone it.
Chandler: Now, we're supposed to have sex tonight. Actually, she's probably home naked right now.
Chandler: I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.
Chandler: I can just picture her on the bed right now.
Rachel: Wait a minute! What'd you mean, you're taking over my job?
Gavin: Well, while you were on your baby vacation I was doing your job.
Rachel: A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not involve something sucking on my nipples until they are raw.
Gavin: Clearly you've never been to The Sandals Paradise Island.
Rachel: Alright! We-hey- Don't get too comfortable there, because I'm back in two weeks!
Rachel: And I want everything back to the way it was. I can't say that I care too much for the way you've rearranged my office.
Gavin: I can't say I care too much for that smell you've brought in with you.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Ross: Uh Rach, uh we have a code brown situation.
Rachel: Could you please, please take care of it for me?
Ross: Alright, but you-you're gonna have to do one sometime.
Rachel: All right, let-let me just get this straight!
Rachel: So I go have a baby and they send some guy in to do my job?
Gavin: Well, there was talk of shutting down Ralph Lauren altogether.
Rachel: Yeah, ok, that's right. You're, you're very cheeky for a temp.
Gavin: I'm not a temp. I was transferred here from another department.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, what department was that? The uh jerk department?
Gavin: Oh, they didn't tell me about your quick wit.
Rachel: Yeah, did they mention that I'm rubber and you're glue?
Mr. Zelner: Gavin, Ralph loved your ideas.
Rachel: Oh, hi Mr. Zelner.
Mr. Zelner: Ah Rachel, I see you've met Gavin.
Mr. Zelner: You know, I must say, when you left us we weren't sure what we were gonna do.
Mr. Zelner: But then, Gavin to the rescue. Super Gavin!
Rachel: Wow, that's great, that's great. So now uh, Super Gavin, when I come back uh where do you plan on flying off to?
Gavin: Well, that's up to Mr. Zelner. I'm sure he will make the right decision.
Rachel: Oh, wow. Super ass-kissing power.
Mr. Zelner: Incidentally, when, when are you coming back?
Gavin: You said two weeks.
Rachel: No, I said today.
Rachel: See, for a superhero, not so much with the listening.
Ross: Uh, oh, I'm sorry. Rach, we should probably go. I ran out of diapers, and I-I had to use your sweater.
Rachel: I-I didn't bring a sweater.
Ross: Then we should really go.
Phoebe: So, what'd he say?
Joey: Uh, well, he can be a little rough around the edges, so I'm gonna replace a word he used a lot, with the word "puppy."
Joey: Ok, so he said: "If your puppy friend doesn't get her puppy act together, I'm gonna fire her mother-puppy ass."
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm just not an actor.
Joey: That's right, you're not. You're a nurse. You-you're Nurse With Tray.
Phoebe: Oh, Joey.
Director: No, no. Nurse With Tray doesn't know Joey. She has no time for friends.
Director: She gets in that operating room and she carries that tray to the doctor, because if she doesn't, people die!
Phoebe: Who dies?
Director: Man With Eye Patch!
Director: You get in there and you do your job.
Phoebe: Yes, doctor. Joey: Ok.
Director: Ok, let's try this one more time.
Phoebe: Hang in there, Man With Eye Patch, your tray is coming!
Phoebe: Yes, I did it! I nailed it! Wow! What's next?
Director: The rest of the scene.
Phoebe: Ok, from the top, people!
Ross: Hey, you know what I was thinking? I don't know if "code brown" is the best code word.
Ross: You know, I think people might know what we're talking about.
Rachel: Yeah no, that's fine, that's fine. Listen. Sudden-sudden change of plans. Um, my maternity leave just ended.
Rachel: They told me that if I didn't come back today, they were gonna fire me.
Ross: What? No, that's-that's illegal.
Ross: I'm gonna have the labor department down here so fast they won't even..Rachel: All right, alright. calm down, Norma Rae.
Monica: They didn't actually say that.
Monica: I'm just afraid if I don't come back right now this guy's gonna try to squeeze me out.
Ross: Oh, but what about Emma?
Ross: I mean we-we don't have a nanny.
Rachel: I know. You know, we're just gonna have to figure out a plan tonight.
Rachel: Can you please just take care of her for today?
Ross: Absolutely. Just give me your breast and we'll be on our way.
Rachel: Come on, I don't, I don't know what else to do.
Ross: Fine, fine. We'll have fun, won't we? Yes, we will, yes we...
Rachel: You're pretty.
Chandler: Hey whatever I decide to do, I'm gonna be starting a new career from scratch.
Chandler: It's gonna be a while before I make a living at it.
Chandler: Maybe now is not the right time to be starting a family.
Ross: So you have to tell Monica you don't wanna have a baby right now?
Monica: Ok, it's baby time. Pants off Bing.
Monica: Didn't see you there Geller.
Chandler: Yeah, Ross is here so...
Ross: Uh-huh, yeah, uh and I was really hoping that maybe, you know, I could hang out.
Ross: you know, what'd you, uh, what'd you feel like doing?
Monica: Well, we're gonna have sex.
Ross: I don't feel like having sex.
Ross: Uh, maybe, uh, I don't, maybe you- we can watch a movie or something.
Monica: Uh, let me put it this way. We're having sex whether you're here or not.
Ross: Pants off Bing!
Rachel: Alright. Now that I'm back, why don't you just fill me in on what you've been up to?
Gavin: Well, I've changed your screensaver from that picture of 'N Sync.
Rachel: Hey, they were popular when I left!
Gavin: Also, I've just been working on this big presentation for tomorrow.
Rachel: Well, I should be involved in that, so why don't you get me up to speed?
Gavin: That's gonna take weeks. Why don't you just let me take care of the presentation?
Rachel: Oh, no no no no. I see what you're doing here, alright, listen, this is my job, buddy.
Rachel: Ok, I've had it for five years, and I know how it works, so why don't you just catch me up!
Rachel: Oh, god. You've totally messed with the back support of my chair.
Rachel: How do you fix this?
Gavin: Hey, you've been here five years, you figure it out.
Rachel: Fine, I will.
Rachel: Alright, fill me in!
Ross: you have a blue tie that would go with this? Emma spit up on mine.
Chandler: Oh, yeah. But you have to give it back if I get a job.
Chandler: Of course, by that time in the future ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.
Monica: Hi, good morning lover.
Monica: I gotta say after last night, I'm a little weak in the knees.
Ross: Here's an idea. You walk into a room...take a quick scan!
Monica: Sorry. But I kinda have this feeling that we-we may have made a baby last night.
Chandler: Oh, god, I have to tell you something.
Chandler: You're not pregnant.
Monica: What're you talking about?
Chandler: That thing that I have to do to make a baby.
Chandler: I faked it.
Monica: What! ? You faked it?
Ross: You know what?
Ross: I don't need a tie.
Ross: I mean, it's-it's better, open collar. You know, it's-it's more casual.
Ross: Joey. Listen, I can't do this. It doesn't make any sense.
Ross: Yesterday I was a nurse, and today I'm a waitress at a cafe?
Joey: Oh no, well sometimes we use the same extras for different parts. That's ok.
Phoebe: Well, it's not ok, because I gave a very memorable performance as the nurse.
Phoebe: And now suddenly I'm the waitress? That's gonna confuse my fans.
Joey: Uhm. Well, Maybe you are a nurse, but you moonlight as a waitress.
Phoebe: Because I'm a single mother supporting my two children.
Phoebe: Wait a minute.
Phoebe: Dr. Drake Ramoray and I work at the same hospital. Wouldn't I come say hi?
Joey: No. No, see, you and Drake are having a fight.
Phoebe: About what?
Joey: Uh, he slept with you and, best sex she ever had by the way,
Joey: And then never called you.
Phoebe: And I just wanted a new daddy for Davy and Becky.
Director: Ok, ok, from the top.
Man: So, I'm surprised you agreed to have lunch with me.
Joey/Drake: I'm surprised to, but yet here I am.
Director: Cut, cut!
Director: What-what, what're you doing! ?
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I'm very angry at him, because he slept with me and never called me back.
Extra: Me too! Another extra: Me too!
Joey: Oh, calm down! She means on the show! We need some new extras around here!
Gavin: Wow, you're here already.
Rachel: Yes. Emma and I came in a little early to do research on the presentation.
Rachel: I actually made a few changes, but I think I'm caught up on everything.
Rachel: So, ask me anything!
Gavin: How do you fix the chair? Rachel: Oh! Except that!
Rachel: Oh, hello, Mr. Zelner. We're all ready for our presentation this afternoon.
Mr. Zelner: Good, because it's in ten minutes. Rachel: What? I can't do that!
Mr. Zelner: I have the baby, and Ross is not gonna pick her up for another hour.
Mr. Zelner: Well, then Gavin can give the presentation, ok? we have to do it now.
Mr. Zelner: Ralph needs to leave early today. He's going helicopter shopping.
Mr. Zelner: But I love that man.
Mr. Zelner: I'd follow him into hell.
Mr. Zelner: Microphones.
Rachel: All right, well there you go. You win, you win.
Rachel: You get to do the presentation, you'll knock 'em dead, no one will ever remember that I worked here, and then Ralph will buy his helicopter, and Super Gavin will just fly right along side of him!
Gavin: You can do the presentation. Rachel: No, I can't. I have a baby.
Gavin: I'll watch her.
Rachel: Why would you do that?
Gavin: Because you've worked really hard, and it's your job, and you're a little crazy.
Rachel: That's really nice.
Gavin: I should tell you that crying women make me very uncomfortable.
Rachel: Then you're not gonna like what's coming.
Rachel: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Rachel: God.Thank you, thank you. God.
Gavin: I-I'm really fine, don't worry, I'm great with children.
Gavin: Gavin Mitchell. Pleased to meet you.
Joey: Please don't fire my friend. Just-just let me talk to her.
Director: Ok, OK.But this is her last chance. Joey: Thank you, thank you.
Director: How about I do something for you? Tomorrow, I'll bring you a hat, cover up the bald?
Joey: Hey, uh, listen Phoebes. I-I, I was just talking to the director, and he was thinking, maybe this time you don't hit Drake, you just wait on the tables?
Phoebe: I can't do that. I'm an actor. I have a process.
Joey: You're a masseuse have a table with holes.
Phoebe: Wait a minute, I see what's happening here. You're threatened.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm so good in this scene that I'm stealing focus from you.
Phoebe: Well, rise to the challenge Tribbiani, cause I just raised the bar. Come join me up here!
Joey: Oh, alright, great, I will. Phoebe: Okay, good. Joey: Ok.
Joey: Yeah, you can fire her, but I would call security, she won't go easy.
Monica: You faked it? You couldn't have faked it!
Chandler: Oh yes you can. You just make the faces and the noises.
Monica: Guys can fake it?
Monica: Unbelievable. The one thing that's ours.
Monica: Besides, why would you fake it when we're trying to have a baby?
Chandler: Well, that's actually...why.
Chandler: Look, I'm starting a whole new career now, and I'm, I'm not saying that I don't wanna have a baby, I'm just saying, maybe we could wait a little while?
Monica: Like-like a month?
Chandler: Or a year? Monica: Really, you wanna wait a year?
Chandler: It could be less than a year. I mean, you've heard my stuff.
Chandler: "Pants. Like shorts but longer."
Chandler: It'll probably be more than a year.
Monica: Wow, I, I really wanna have a baby. Chandler: Yeah, me too.
Monica: Look, I'll-I'll, I'll just get my old job back.
Monica: No, I want you to have a job that you love.
Monica: Not statistical analysis and data reconfiguration.
Chandler: I quit and you learn what I do?
Monica: It's just, I think, there's never gonna be a right time to have a baby.
Monica: I mean, now you're unemployed and in-in a little while you'll find a new job that'll keep you really busy.
Monica: There's always gonna be a reason not to do this but, I think once the baby comes, we'll forget about all those reasons.
Chandler: I guess. I mean it's always gonna be scary when we have a baby.
Monica: It's gonna be really scary. I mean, God. When we have a baby, there's-there's gonna be so much that-that we're not able to control. I mean the apartment's gonna be a mess. I won't have time to clean it.
Monica: What if the baby gets into the ribbon drawer? Messes up all the ribbons? !
Monica: What if there's no room for a ribbon drawer, because, the baby's stuff takes up all the space! ?
Monica: Where will all the ribbons go? !
Chandler: Should we go make a baby right now before you change your mind?
Monica: Yes, please! Chandler: Ok. Oh, and I promise, I will not fake it this time.
Monica: I wish I could say the same. I'm a little shook up!
Joey/Drake: I know you botched that operation on purpose.
Joey/Drake: I can't prove it yet, but when I do, you'll be going to jail for murder.
Joey/Drake: I don't care if you are my brother. I'm not your brother.
Phoebe: What about my children Drake? ! Huh! ? No! No! No! God! No! No! No! God!