Joey: Morning, roomier!
Rachel: Hey! You remembered to put clothes on this morning.
Joey: Fifth day's a charm.
Rachel: Oh, Joey, it's so great to be back here. I gotta tell you, you're making it so easy on me and Emma.
Joey: Hey, it's great having you back. You know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night?
Ross: Hey, you're not naked!
Ross: So, hey, Raych, when-when will we expect to see you tonight?
Rachel: Well, I'll probably be back to pick her up around six, but she's in the bedroom all ready to go.
Rachel: But she did actually fall back to sleep, so...
Joey: She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night.
Ross: Hey, I hope Emma isn't making it too hard on you.
Joey: No, hey, it's been great.
Joey: Yeah. And look, I just want you to know that with Rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before are totally over, ok?
Joey: And even if they weren't, when you accidentally walk in on a woman using a breast pump...
Ross: Yeah, that'll do it.
Joey: Wow! So how are you?
Ross: I'm, I'm ok.
Ross: Sure, I mean, you know, do I wish me and Rachel living together would've worked out?
Ross: Of course. You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not like uh, it's a divorce.
Joey: Well, actually it...
Ross: No, it's not a divorce, it is not a divorce!
Ross: Anyway, I think Rachel and I need to, you know, get on with our lives, maybe, maybe start seeing other people.
Joey: Wow, really?
Ross: Yeah, sure, why not? In fact, if you know anyone that would be good for me...
Joey: Sure, I know lots of girls.
Ross: Yeah? Any names come to mind?
Joey: Ooh, names?
Joey: I was just gonna get something to eat. You want something?
Phoebe: What you got?
Joey: Ok, let's see, we got strained peas, strained carrots...Ooh! Strained plums. We haven't tried that yet.
Phoebe: So, how is it living with Rachel again?
Phoebe: I mean, apart from the great food?
Joey: I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just, it's just weird what's happening with her and Ross.
Joey: You know, yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody.
Phoebe: Oh my God, Rachel asked me if I knew anyone for her, too.
Joey: Why are they doing this?
Phoebe: I don't know. They're so perfect for each other; it's crazy.
Joey: You know what's crazy?
Joey: These jars. What is it, like two bites in here?
Phoebe: I just wish they'd realize they should be together.
Joey: I know, I know. And when they moved back in together, I figured you know, that's where things were headed.
Phoebe: I know. They should be a family.
Phoebe: They should get married and have more children.
Joey: Yes. And they should name one of their kids Joey.
Joey: Hey, I may not have kids. Someone's gotta carry on the family name.
Phoebe: You know what?
Phoebe: Maybe once they start dating, and they see what's out there, they'll realize how good they are for each other.
Joey: Yeah, because it is slim pickings.
Joey: I had this date last night: Yuck!
Joey: But we should probably keep it down, she's still in the bedroom.
Phoebe: So, what are we gonna do? Are we just gonna go ahead and set them up with people?
Joey: I know; that just pushes them further and further apart.
Phoebe: Oh, I know what we can do.
Phoebe: We could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates, so that they'll realize how good they are together.
Joey: Ooh, that's a great plan!
Phoebe: you know what the best part of it is? I get to do my "plan-laugh."
Joey: Shhh! Not so loud, we don't wanna wake her up, uh...
Rachel: Well you guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you?
Chandler: See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married?
Chandler: I mean will have you know that we are very hip, happening people.
Chandler: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.
Rachel: I was just asking 'cause I need someone to watch Emma tonight.
Monica: Sure, we'll do that. What are you up to?
Rachel: Well, Phoebe set me up on a date.
Monica: Oh my God.
Rachel: Why? What's the big deal?
Monica: Well, I just figured, cause you and Ross are...
Rachel: What, slept together a year and a half ago? Yeah, I'm all set.
Chandler: Well, I think it's great that you're going on a date, you know? I mean, it sounds healthy. I mean, you have needs. Embrace your womanhood!
Monica: You want a job? Turn off "Oprah," and send out a résumé!
Rachel: So I'll bring her by around seven? Is that ok?
Monica: Oh, it's perfect.
Rachel: Oh, you guys are gonna have so much fun! She's at such a cute age.
Rachel: Oh, a couple things. Now that she's eating solid food, she poops around the clock.
Rachel: And watch out for your hair, 'cause she likes to grab it. And oh,
Rachel: She's also in this phase where if you leave the room, she screams, bloody murder, but...Thanks, you guys. Have fun.
Chandler: Suddenly I, wish I was reading my own name.
Phoebe: Ooh, Joey.
Phoebe: Hey. I'm so excited;
Phoebe: I just set up Rachel with the worst guy tonight.
Joey: All right! Who is he?
Joey: It's a guy I used to massage. By "massage" I mean hold down so he wouldn't turn over and flash me.
Joey: Ok, ok. Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah.
Joey: Ok, she's this really boring woman. She's a teacher!
Phoebe: A teacher?
Joey: Yeah, yeah, she's really into history and foreign movies...
Joey: Oh, oh, and she loves puzzles. Huh?
Come on, who loves puzzles?
Phoebe: Well, Ross does.
Phoebe: What...You're-you're ruining the plan!
Phoebe: Joey, you've-you've fixed him up with his perfect woman!
Joey: Oh my God, you're right!
Phoebe: She even reads for pleasure!
Phoebe: How do you even know a woman like that?
Joey: What-what? I'm not allowed to know smart women?
Joey: I met her at the library. I went in to pee.
Phoebe: So now what do we do?
Joey: Well, ok, I'll-I'll just call her and tell her the date's cancelled, and find him somebody else.
Phoebe: What if we don't find him somebody else?
Phoebe: We'll just tell her the date's off but we don't tell Ross. He'll go to the restaurant and get stood up.
Joey: Ooh...Oh I hear that's bad.
Phoebe: Ooh, so this is great! Oh, Rachel's gonna have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then they'll realize how good they have it together.
Joey: Ah, yes, the Plan!
Phoebe: It's not Santa's plan.
Phoebe: No, it's...
Joey: Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.
Phoebe: No, I think we killed it.
Chandler: Emma? Emma? Look at me!
Chandler: Well, I think I'll go downstairs for a while.
Chandler: No, no, no! It's okay! It's okay! I didn't go!
Chandler: Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your Uncle Chandler. Funny is all I have!
Monica: Ok, just so you know, I'm gonna be ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth,
Monica: So don't touch yourself for the next 48 hours.
Chandler: I don't do that. I'll try to stop. Wait, did you say until the sixth?
Chandler: Today is the 6th.
Monica: No, it's not.
Chandler: Yes, it's also 2003.
Monica: Oh, my God. Today's the 6th?
Monica: I may be done ovulating!
Monica: I may have also served some very questionable meat at the restaurant.
Chandler: It's ok. Go take the test, see if we're ok.
Chandler: Tough crib.
Monica: Hey, where are all my ovulation sticks? There's only one here.
Monica: I might have checked to see if I was ovulating a couple times.
Chandler: I'm not working! There's not much to do around here!
Ross: Sorry. Hey, would you, you want a roll with that or?
Ross: Excuse me, um, I'm sorry, is there a woman waiting at the bar?
Ross: Um, someone average height, dark hair, perhaps doing a puzzle?
Waiter: Uh, there's a drunk Chinese guy.
Ross: Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me.
Waiter: Can I get you another glass of wine?
Ross: I don't know if I should. I don't want to be drunk when I go home alone tonight.
Waiter: Got stood up, huh?
Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. It's just a blind date.
Waiter: Are you worried your date came, saw you, and left?
Monica: We're ok. I'm still ovulating.
Chandler: Oh, good, because as of four o'clock this afternoon, I am not.
Monica: So, let's do this.
Chandler: I-I don't think I can.
Monica: Oh come on.
Monica: I know you're not eighteen anymore, but give it a minute.
Chandler: Because of Emma.
Monica: Oh my God, Emma. Oh, sweetie, I forgot you were here.
Monica: Oh, you're right, we can't do this. We can't leave her alone.
Monica: Unless... Maybe we do it here.
Monica: I mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age?
Chandler: Well, she's aware when we leave the room. She may notice if we start...canoodling in it.
Chandler: Well, I can't say "hump" or "screw" in front of the B-A-B-Y.
Monica: I don't know. I mean, I guess having sex in front of a baby isn't so...
Chandler: Horrifying? Scarring?
Chandler: Something people go to jail for?
Monica: I guess you're right.
Chandler: You guess I'm right?
Chandler: When we stayed at that bed and breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window.
Monica: But what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer?
Rachel: Wow, everything looks so good! I think I'm gonna have the chicken.
Steve: I-I just have to say this; you're really beautiful.
Rachel: Oh, well, that's-that's very sweet. Thank you. I'm kind of funny-looking.
Steve: Oh, come on, you're way out of my league. Everybody in here knows it.
Steve: Bet that guy over there's probably saying, "Ooh, why she's with him? He must be rich!" Well, I'm not.
Rachel: Ok. Though I guess then the joke's on him.
Rachel: So, what do think you wanna order? I'm really excited about that chicken.
Steve: I'm not funny either.
Steve: So, if you were thinking, "Well, he's not that good-looking, but maybe we'll have some laughs"...That ain't gonna happen.
Rachel: Well, come on, Steve; let's not rule out nervous laughter.
Rachel: So now, I-I think that we should order, and then eat, and then leave.
Steve: I have a lot of medical problems.
Rachel: Hey, now, wait a minute, Phoebe told me that you owned your own restaurant. That's impressive.
Steve: I lost it to drugs.
Steve: I sell screen T-shirts now.
Rachel: Really? What's that like?
Steve: It's really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money.
Steve: That's right. I have no money, I'm not funny, I live in a studio apartment, with two other guys, and I'm pretty sure I'm infertile.
Rachel: Now, come on. Come on, Steve. There must be something that you like about yourself.
Steve: I do like my hair.
Rachel: Phoebe, it's me. I'm going to hunt you down and kill you!
Phoebe: Hey, Rach!
Rachel: This is the worst date ever. How could you set me up with this creep?
Phoebe: You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends.
Rachel: I don't, I don't care! This guy is a nightmare!
Phoebe: All right, so he gets a little crazy when he's stoned.
Rachel: He's not stoned.
Phoebe: Did he go out for a cigarette?
Rachel: Yeah, four times.
Phoebe: My dear, sweet Rach.
Phoebe: Well, our plan is working.
Phoebe: Rachel is having a miserable time, and Ross is stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone.
Joey: Oh, great, pretty soon they'll be back together.
Phoebe: By the time anyone's figured out what we've done, we'll be in sunny Mexico...
Phoebe: Oh, wait, that's the end of a different plan.
Monica: Oh, she's asleep. Chandler?
Monica: What're you doing?
Chandler: Emma was doing it!
Monica: She's asleep.
Chandler: Ooh, she's asleep, that means we can...
Monica: Yes, but we have to be fast.
Chandler: Oh-ok, I'll try. And you can't make any noise.
Monica: Ok, I'll try.
Joey: Hello? Emma? Hey! Hi!
Joey: How are ya? How are ya?
Joey: Where're your babysitters, huh?
Joey: Why's the bedroom door closed?
Joey: You can't have S-E-X, when you're taking care of the B-A-B-I-E!
Waiter: I've got bad news. The Chinese guy left.
Ross: Eh, if it was meant to be, it's meant to be.
Waiter: Look, you got stood up, who cares?
Waiter: We're gonna show you a good time. Sit and relax.
Waiter: In fact, let me bring you a crab-cake appetizer on the house.
Ross: Wow, free crab cakes. Well, that's nice.
Ross: Although I was hoping to have sex tonight.
Waiter: Just the crab cakes.
Waiter #2: What are you doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? Because you can't do that.
Waiter: Just get out of here, ok?
Ross: What's, I'm sorry, what's going on?
Waiter: Okay, the waiters have a little pool going.
Waiter: We have a bet on how long it'll take before you give up and go home.
Ross: What? You-you, you're making money off my misery?
Waiter: Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am.
Ross: This is unbelievable. I have never been so insulted in my life.
Ross: Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll be on my way.
Monica: Well, that was weird. You were loud and I was fast.
Chandler: I think we may have really done it this time.
Monica: Oh, I wish I didn't have to wait to take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: You may want to get some more of those too.
Chandler: Where's Emma?
Monica: Oh, my God, where's Emma? Where's Emma?
Chandler: Don't ask me. I was in there canoodling you.
Monica: Okay. Okay. I'm sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma.
Monica: You go look across the hall, and I'll call her cell.
Monica: You better hope we're pregnant because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel!
Steve: I-I can't believe I’m crying in front of you. You must think I'm so pathetic. No, no, no, I admire a man who can cry.
Rachel: Don't touch my coat. Oh! Sorry, that's my phone.
Monica: Hey, Rach, how's it going? Oh, my God, this is the worst date ever.
Rachel: Oh come on, look, you know what, I'm sorry, but did you really think that this was going well?
Rachel: What's up?
Monica: Hey, did you stop by here?
Monica: Oh, my God! Then...
Monica: Oh, thank God! Emma, there you are!
Rachel: What? What-what do you mean, "there you are?" Where was she?
Monica: Oh, we were playing "peek-a-boo." She just, she loves it when I'm dramatic.
Monica: Why the hell did you take her?
Joey: Because you two were having sex!
Monica: No, we weren't!
Joey: Don't you lie to me!
Joey: I can tell by Chandler's hair. You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?
Chandler: All right, all right, we were.
Chandler: We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating, Which is more than I can say for myself as of 2:00 today.
Monica: Guys...guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!
Joey: Well, it was unacceptable that you would have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm have to tell Rachel about this.
Chandler: No, no, no.
Monica: No, please don't. Please, Joey. She will kill us!
Joey: Hey, I gotta! Unless...
Monica: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your firstborn child Joey.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Hey, I may never have kids, and somebody's gotta carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani.
Joey: You almost had me.
Rachel: Well, En...
Steve: Look...I think I know the answer to this question, but... would you like to make love to me?
Rachel: Really, really not.
Steve: Eh, it's just as well.
Steve: Doesn't work anyway.
Rachel: All right, well, that's good to know. Good night, Steve.
Ross: Hey, what's wrong?
Rachel: I just had a rough night.
Ross: Oh. Crab cake?
Ross: Well, what happened?
Rachel: Oh, well, I...It's kind of weird talking to you about this, but…
Ross: Monica told me you had a blind date.
Ross: I did, too.
Ross: But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up?
Rachel: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left?
Ross: Why does everyone keep saying that?
Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wish my date hadn't shown up.
Ross: That bad?
Rachel: Well, he makes T-shirts for a living, and he thought it would be appropriate to give me, this.
Ross: Female body inspector?
Ross: What size is that?
Phoebe: Now wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey?
Phoebe: How-how do I get them to name the-the next one after me?
Joey: Oh, it's easy, you just, you just walk in on them having sex.
Phoebe: Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes.
Phoebe: Oh my God! Look, it's Ross and Rachel. Oh, the plan is working. Don't do the plan laugh.
Ross: The first date we've had in months, and they were both such disasters.
Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show.
Ross: Wait a minute; You don't think it was intentional? I mean, that's just stupid.
Joey: We're geniuses! Yeah, look at 'em, look at 'em, they're really bonding.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, they're falling in love all over again.
Phoebe: Oh, they see us. Oh, they, they look mad.
Phoebe: Oh, They figured it out. They're coming this way. Run!
Joey: Can you believe they're still not here?
Ross: I know. A double blind date, and we both get stood up. What are the chances?
Joey: I know, I'm so bummed. Can we have our free crab cakes now?
Joey: We've been stood up. And we want our free crab cakes.
Waiter: You were stood up here last night.
Ross: I know. It hurts.
Ross: Being stood up two night in a row has left a crab cake sized hole in my heart.
Waiter: Guys, give it a rest. Nobody's betting on you tonight.
Waiter: Although we do have a pool going, to see how long it takes that guy to cry.
Steve: I have such fat hands!
Steve: I hate my dick!