Chandler: Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what ...
Joey: Uh ... Monica's pregnant? !
Monica: Really? Let's get past the moment.
Phoebe: What's your news?
Chandler: Thank you. I got a job in advertising.
Monica: Oh, honey, that's incredible!
Phoebe: Gosh, what's the pay like?
Phoebe: Oh, come on, people, come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most! Hey Joey!
Chandler: Well, actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship.
Joey: Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'.
Chandler: Right. So, it'll be the same except ... less sex with you.
Ross: So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there?
Chandler: Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like.
Phoebe: That's great.
Chandler: Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some groundwork which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating.
Chandler: Humiliating and noble!
Chandler: Thank you.
Ross: You know, if-if I didn't already have a job, I-I think, I would have been really good in advertising.
Monica: Ross, you did not come up with "got milk?"
Ross: Yes, I did, I did!
Ross: I should have written it down!
Joey: Where's Chandler? I wanna wish him good luck on his first day, and I smelled bacon. Haha.
Monica: He just left.
Joey: Who did?
Rachel: Joey! You never gonna believe it: she called.
Joey: She did?
Rachel: You got it!
Joey: I did?
Monica: What is she talking about?
Joey: I don't know, but it sounds great.
Rachel: Your agent called. You got that audition.
Joey: With-with Leonard Hayes?
Joey: Oh my God, that is great!
Joey: That is gonna for a play on Broadway and in a real theatre, not that little one underneath the deli like last time.
Monica: Is it a good play?
Joey: Well, it must be, because I read it and I didn't understand a single word.
Rachel: And Leonard Hayes is starring in it ...
Joey: Yeah, yeah, and directing.
Monica: Oh, he was so good in that movie of MacBeth.
Rachel: You saw that?
Monica: No, but ... I saw the previews. They played it right before Jackass.
Rachel and Joey: Ah!
Joey: Yeah, yeah, yeah, he has, he's done some amazing work.
Rachel: Oh, yeah. Oh, I loved him in those cellphone commercials.
Joey: I know. When the monkey hits him in the face with that giant rubber phone?
Monica: Hey! Maybe the monkey will be at the audition!
Joey: Don't make me more nervous than I already am!
Chandler: Good morning, everybody.
Intern: Can I get you a cup of coffee, sir?
Chandler: Oh, no, no, I'm an intern, just like you guys ... except for the tie, the briefcase ... and the fact that I can rent a car.
Intern: Seriously, you're an intern?
Chandler: Yeah, well, I'm kinda heading into a new career direction and, you know, you gotta start at the bottom.
Chandler: Right. Look, I know I'm a little bit older than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob Hope
Chandler: The comedian? USO? !
Intern: Uh, it's USA, sir.
Receptionist: This is Joey Tribbiani. Joey, these are the producers and, as you probably already know, this is Leonard Hayes.
Joey: Wow It is so amazing to meet you. I'm such a big fan of your work.
Leonard: Well, I've ... I've been blessed with a ... a lot of great roles.
Joey: Tell me about it! "Unlimited nights and weekends!"
Leonard: You making fun of me?
Leonard: Because I am not a sell-out.
Leonard: I didn't do that for the money, I believe in those phones.
Leonard: I almost lost a cousin, because of bad wireless service.
Joey: No, no, I-I-I wasn't making fun of you, honestly, I-I think you were great in those commercials.
Leonard: Well, I do bring a certain credibility to the role.
Joey: Are you kidding? When they shoot you out of that cannon ...
Leonard: Peeeeeooooooooch "Hang up that phone!" One take.
Leonard: So, shall we uh, read?
Joey: Oh, yeah, sure.
Leonard: Top of act two.
Leonard: This's my entrance. You got it?
Joey: UH huh!
Leonard: What the hell are you still doing here?
Joey: Err, I think you know.
Joey: I am what you made me. You know what? I could go right now.
Leonard: Go, go!
Joey: I can't. Oh, I want to, Long Pause ...
Joey: but I can't.
Leonard: So, sorry.
Leonard: You-you're not supposed to say "long pause".
Joey: Oh, oh, I thought that was your character's name, you know,
Joey: I thought you were like an Indian or something, you know with a ...
Leonard: No. Thank you so much for coming in. We appreciate it, thank you.
Joey: Ah, y-y-you're sure you don't want me to do it again? I could do it you know, with an accent, Leonard: No.
Joey: You know, Southern "I could go right now, maaan!"
Leonard: My God in heaven.
Producer #1: Joey, hang on for a second. Leonard, can we talk to you for a moment?
Leonard: You, you gotta be kidding. See, h-he, he can't act.
Leonard: Hey! I-I-I don't care he thinks he's hot,
Leonard: you know. If you wanna sleep with him, do it on your own time. This is a play.
Producer #1: No, listen: if you insist on this, I will call my agent so fast on a cell phone connection so clear, he's gonna think I'm next door!
Joey: Ah, hi, ah. Thank you so much for whispering for my benefit,
Joey: but, ah, look, if you just tell me what I did wrong, I would love to work on it and come back and try it again for you.
Joey: And-and also: 'How you doing?'
Joey: You should, please, just-just give me another chance. I really wanna get better, please.
Leonard: Well, if you wanna come back at the end of the day today, here are my notes. Ready?
Leonard: Uhm, you're in your head. You-you're thinking way too much.
Joey: I really doubt that.
Leonard: No, no, no. It's that you're not connected with anything in your body.
Leonard: There's no urgency. The scene is a struggle, uhm, it's-it's a race. Also, what you did was horizontal.
Leonard: Don't be afraid to explore the vertical.
Leonard: And don't learn the words. Let the words learn you.
Joey: Couldn't I just sleep with the producer?
Leonard: I'm gonna blow, blow.
Phoebe: Hey, do you wanna go to dinner tonight?
Ross: Oh, I can't. I've-I've got a date with that waitress, that Katy.
Ross: Yeah, I-I know we've only gone out like twice, but, I don't know, I have a really good feeling about her.
Phoebe: Oh, I hear divorce bells.
Mugger: Alright. Just give me your wallets and there won't be a problem.
Mugger: I have a gun.
Ross: O-ok. Just just relax, Phoene, just stay calm. Oh my God, I can't find my wallet.
Mugger: Alright, lady, now give me your purse!
Ross: What'd you mean "no"? I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: Lowell, is that you?
Lowell: Phoebe? Oh my God!
Phoebe: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: I'm sorry. Ross, this is my old friend, Lowell, from the streets! Lowell, Ross.
Lowell: Ross, nice to meet you.
Ross: Yeah, a real pleasure.
Phoebe: Ah, it's been so long, oh, so long.
Phoebe: I can't believe you're still doing this.
Lowell: Oh, I know, but I quit smoking!
Phoebe: Good for you!
Lowell: So you look like you're doing really well!
Lowell: I guess your mugging days are behind you?
Ross: Oh my God. Phoebe, you used to mug people?
Phoebe: Excuse me, Ross, old friends catching up.
Monica: Hey, how'd the audition go?
Joey: Well, they wanna see me again this afternoon, but, err, well, Leonard Hayes did not like me.
Monica: What happened?
Joey: Well, he said I wasn't urgent, enough, you know, and that everything I did was horizontal and I should be more vertical.
Joey: Oh, and he said that I should think less.
Monica: So far so good!
Chandler: Honey, I'm old!
Monica: I didn't know you were coming home for lunch. Can I get you anything?
Chandler: Sure. A tube of Polident? Some Depends? Birthday wishes from Willard Scott?
Monica: What's wrong?
Chandler: I am so much older than these interns. I can't compete with them.
Monica: So you're a little older. Try to look at the positive: You have so much life experience.
Chandler: Yes, but I don't think life experience is gonna help me, with these.
Joey: Wooooooooow! It's like they're on fire!
Monica: What are they?
Chandler: They're these prototype sneakers that I have to come up with ideas on how to sell them which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever wear these.
Joey: I'll give you $500 for em!
Chandler: What am I supposed to do with these?
Monica: Ah, come on, sneakers are easy. You wear sneakers all the time.
Chandler: Well, first of all, they're not called "sneakers" anymore.
Chandler: Apparently, they're called "kicks" or "skids" and I think I heard somebody say "slorps".
Chandler: And here, look, they got these wheels to pop out from the bottom so you can roll around because, apparently, walking, is too much exercise.
Chandler: Kids, kids, roll your way to childhood obesity!
Monica: Wow, kids today have such an easier time getting fat.
Chandler: Would you help me try to sell these?
Monica: Ok, have you considered using a girl with huge knockers?
Chandler: No, I don't think that's the kinda thing they're looking for.
Joey: Hey, that'd work on me! Why do you think I buy Mrs. Butterworth's?
Ross: Hey, You'll never guess what just happened.
Ross: Phoebe and I got mugged!
Monica: Are you okay?
Ross: Yeah. because Phoebe knew the mugger.
Monica: How do you know a mugger?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I have friends outside the six of us.
Ross: You want to know how she knew him? Because Phoebe used to mug people.
Phoebe: Well, I'm not proud of it, but, you know, sometimes when I was living on the street, I needed money for food and stuff.
Monica: Phoebe that is awful.
Phoebe: Well, okay, I wasn't rich like you guys, okay?
Phoebe: I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony.
Phoebe: I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Monica: Your mother killed herself.
Phoebe: She was a drug dealer.
Ross: Okay, anyway, It was a good thing Phoebe knew him. Because I was about to do some serious damage.
Monica: Well, This must have brought back some bad memories for you, Ross.
Monica: Well, Ross was mugged as a kid.
Phoebe: You were?
Ross: Yeah. And it was pretty traumatic. It was outside St. Mark's Comics.
Ross: You know, I was just there minding my business, seeing what kind of trouble Spider-Man got into that way.
Monica: Wonder Woman.
Ross: Anyway, I was heading towards this bakery to pick up a couple of dozen liner tortes for someone ... when out of nowhere, this thug with a pipe jumps out and says: "Give me your money, punk!"
Phoebe: Oh, my God.
Ross: I know. And the worst part was, they took my backpack which had all the original artwork I did for my own comic book, Science Boy.
Monica: Oh, yeah! What was his super power again?
Ross: A super-human thirst for knowledge. I-I better get to class.
Ross: Are there any more of your friends I should look out for on my way? Phoebe?
Phoebe: No. Actually, you might want to stay away from Jane Street.
Phoebe: That's where Stabby Joe works.
Phoebe: Okay, I think we have a problem here.
Phoebe: Well, Uh, Back in my mugging days, you know, Um, I worked St. Mark's Comics.
Phoebe: Well. A pipe was my weapon of choice. and Um preteen, comic-book nerds were my meat.
Phoebe: Well. There was one kid who had a sticker on his backpack that said:
Phoebe and Monica: "Geology rocks!"
Monica: Oh, my God!
Phoebe: I know! I mugged Ross!
Receptionist: You're late.
Joey: I know. I'm sorry.
Joey: but, can I just have a quick second to run to the bathroom?
Receptionist: No, Leonard doesn't wait!
Joey: But I'm bursting with u-hu!
Leonard: Joey! Here we go. Let's go, very quickly!
Joey: Actually, I really need ...
Leonard: We must go now, quickly, please.
Joey: Yes, ahahaaa.
Leonard: Ready? What the hell are you still doing here?
Joey: I think you know!
Leonard: God, you sick bastard!
Joey: I am what you made me! You know what?
Joey: I could go right now.
Leonard: Then go, go!
Joey: Oh, oh, I, oh, I can't. I want to, but I can't!
Leonard: Cut! That was good.
Leonard: That was very good. You did everything I asked for.
Joey: I did?
Leonard: Yes. Plus ... what you've got this ... I don't know what you've got going ... this squirmy quality ... that you bring into the character that I couldn't have even imagined.
Leonard: Wow, hey, here's what we gonna do:
Leonard: Come back tomorrow for the final callbacks.
Leonard: Do all of this what you've got going now, but you know what?
Leonard: More, more. Can you do that?
Joey: Sure, yeah. I don't have time to say thank you because I really gotta go.
Leonard: Look at that: still in character, I like it ... I plant seeds, I can't explain.
Monica: What're you doing?
Chandler: Putting on the sneakers to get in the young mindset, see if it sparks anything.
Rachel: Oh, anything yet?
Chandler: Yes, how's this: They're so uncomfortable it's like getting kicked in the nuts for your feet!
Joey: Probably wanna know what I'm doing?
Monica: No, that seems about right.
Joey: Yesterday at my audition, I really had to pee, and apparently, having to pee makes me really a good actor.
Joey: I got a callback, so I'm drinking everything.
Joey: Oh, hey, by the way, that egg nog in our fridge was great!
Rachel: Joey, that was formula.
Joey: We gotta get more of that.
Chandler: You know what, these aren't half bad!
Chandler: You should suggest something like these to Ralph Lauren.
Rachel: Ok, first of all, that's stupid and second of all, I'm not allowed to talk to Ralph.
Chandler: Alright I feel younger already!
Chandler: Yeah, I think I broke my hip.
Phoebe: Hey, you!
Phoebe: Hey, how was class?
Ross: No one ever asked me that, what's wrong?
Phoebe: Nothing, I really wanna know.
Ross: Oh. Well, uhm, there was actually a rather lively discussion about the Pleistocene.
Phoebe: Alright, nothing is worth this.
Phoebe: Uhm, I have, I have a confession to make ... uhm, ok, you know that, that girl that mugged you when you were a kid?
Ross: Wh-What're you talking about? It wasn't a girl. It was this-this huge dude, he had a pitchfork and a, and a sword.
Phoebe: You don't have to lie anymore. I know that it was a 14-year-old girl.
Ross: No, it wasn't.
Phoebe: Yes, it was.
Ross: No, it wasn't. You don't think I would've defended myself against a fourteen year-old ...
Phoebe: "Give me your money, punk!"
Ross: Oh, my God, it was you!
Ross: I can't believe it. You mugged me?
Phoebe: Yeah. And I'm so, so sorry, Ross. I'm sorry.
Phoebe: But, you know, if you think about it, it's kind of neat.
Phoebe: I mean, well, it's-it's just that I I've always felt kind of, you know, like an outsider, you know, the rest of you have these connections that like way back and, you know, now, you and I have ... have a great one!
Ross: It's not the best!
Phoebe: I know. Please forgive me. I don't know what to say.
Ross: There's nothing you can say! That was the most humiliating thing that ever happen to me.
Phoebe: Really? Even more humiliating than...
Ross: Yeah, let's not do this!
Intern: And then, at the end of the commercial, the girls get out of the hot tub, start making out with each other!
Boss: That's interesting.
Boss: Just one thought: You didn't mention the shoes.
Boss: Who's next? Chandler.
Chandler: Ok. You start on the image of a guy putting on the shoes. He's about my age.
Intern: Your age?
Chandler: So he's rolling down the street and he starts to lose control, you know, maybe he falls, maybe he hurts himself.
Chandler: Just then, a kid comes flying by wearing the shoes.
Chandler: He jumps over the old guy and laughs, and the line reads:
Chandler: "Not suitable for adults!"
Boss: Chandler, that's great!
Chandler: Oh, thank you, sir ... or man-who's-two-years-younger-than-me.
Boss: You see? That has a clear selling point. It appeals to our key demographic, it's ...
Boss: How did you come up with that?
Chandler: I don't know! I don't know!
Chandler: I was just, I was trying to get into a young mindset, you know, stuff started to flow.
Boss: That is great. Good work!
Chandler: Thank you.
Boss: We'll see all you tomorrow.
Chandler: The cold weather hurts my hip!
Phoebe: Hey, Ross! Ok, look, I know you're still mad at me, but can I just talk to you for a sec?
Ross: Sure, go ahead. Oh, sorry, sure, go ahead.
Phoebe: I just really wanted to apologize again and ... and also show you something I think you'll find very exciting.
Ross: Oh my God, crap from the street?
Phoebe: Look, Ross, in this box are all the things I got from mugging that I thought were too special to sell ... or smoke.
Phoebe: Anyway, I was looking through it and I found "Science Boy".
Ross: Oh my God. I never thought I'd see this again. It's all here!
Ross: What, what made you save it all these years?
Phoebe: I guess I just thought it was really good.
Phoebe: And maybe it would be worth something one day.
Ross: You really thought Science Boy was worth saving?
Phoebe: Well, yeah ... but you should know, I also have a jar of vaseline and a cat skull in here.
Ross: Still, this-this is amazing ...
Ross: Oh my God, thank you, Phoebe.
Phoebe: You're welcome. And thank you for "Science Boy". I learned a lot from him.
Phoebe: You're welcome. Wait a minute. Did you add something to him? Oh, yeah. Well, A-huh.
Phoebe: You see, the way you drew him, there was no way he was ever gonna get Gravity Girl.
Phoebe: Well, he looked like a Ken doll in those tights. Ross: Huh
Phoebe: What's that? What're you...
Ross: Is that a beaker or are you happy to see me? I don't get it.
Joey: I need an answer!
Leonard: I-I-I can't tell you something I don't know.
Joey: You know!
Leonard: I don't know!
Joey: I need an answer now!
Leonard: Alright, Alright, here, you want an answer, the answer ... is ...
Leonard: She never loved me. She only loved you.
Joey: You knew this all along and you never told me? You never told me?
Joey: I can never forgive you, I can never forgive myself, I have nothing to live for- Bang - End Scene!
Leonard: Absolutely amazing. The part is yours.
Joey: Oh thanks, thanks! Now, I really have to get ...
Leonard: Wa-wa-wa-wait! Congratulations! You did it! You did it! You can relax now. Yeah.
Monica: Wow, it's a big cable bill!
Monica: Huh, you don't have a job, but you have no problem ordering porn ... on a Saturday afternoon? !
Monica: I was in the house!
Ross: Hey, uh, Phoebe didn't by any chance mention that ... She was the huge guy that mugged you? Yeah. I see. You didn't happen to tell ...
Monica: Everybody we know? Yeah.
Ross: Great. Thanks.