Joey: Hey, you guys, what're you doing tomorrow night?
Chandler:Oh, well, let me see ... I-I believe I'm ... yes, falling asleep in front of the TV.
Joey: Look, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play.
Chandler: I could fall asleep at a play.
Phoebe: What is it?
Joey: It's a one-woman play called "Why don't you like me: a bitter woman's journey through life".
Monica: It sounds interesting!
Ross: Yeah, it does sound interesting, I mean, to listen to a woman complain for two hours, I don't think it gets bett ...
Phoebe: I know, I know, we can drive, we can vote, we can work, what more do these broads want?
Joey: Well, you guys are gonna have a great time, I promise!
Ross: What? How-how come you don't have to go!
Joey: Oh, I wish I could but I just found out that I have to be at work really early the next day, so, I can't go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want.
Chandler: Woo, let's see, who do I hate?
Rachel: Oh, sorry ...
Rachel: Oops, sorry.
Joey: Hey, here you go.
Rachel: Ooh ... oooh ... oh, ah ...
Rachel: Can I ask you a question?
Rachel: Do you think it's possible, uh, for two friends to-to fool around and-and not have it be a big deal?
Monica: No, I don't think it ever works. Why?
Rachel: No reason.
Monica: No, no, Rachel?
Monica: Who do you wanna fool around with?
Rachel: Nobody, forget it!
Monica: You can't!
Rachel: Ok, seriously I did not understand a word you just said.
Monica: In the hall.
Monica: You wanna fool around with Joey?
Rachel: Yeah! You know what, ever since I had that dream about him, I can't get it out of my head!
Rachel: And I mean what's the big deal, people do it all the time!
Monica: Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around?
Rachel: Ok, off the top of my head ... Don and Janet.
Monica: Uhm, who are they?
Rachel: I uh, I know them from work.
Monica: Both of them?
Rachel: No, one of them.
Monica: Which one?
Rachel: I don't know, what were the names I just said?
Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right, you're right, I won't do anything with Joey, I just thought that we Ok so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion?
Monica: What the hell are you cooking? !
Joey and Monica and Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Hey, you guys won't believe what I have to do for work today.
Chandler: Yes, but, Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.
Ross: There're these two professors who are joining my department and I have to meet them here and show them around campus.
Monica: What's so bad about that?
Ross: Well I just know they're gonna be a couple of old windbags wearing tweed jackets with suede elbow patches.
Ross: These aren't suede.
Charlie: Excuse me, um, I'm looking for someone. You don't, by any chance, know a Ross Geller?
Ross: Hey, hi, hi, I'm, I'm Ross Geller.
Charlie: Oh, hi. I'm professor Wealer.
Ross: Oh, oh, that's, that's, that's nice.
Charlie: It's a ... It's good to meet you!
Charlie: Thank you so much for taking the time out to show me around.
Ross: Oh, no, it's no big deal, I mean, if I weren't doing this I'd just, you know, be at the gym working out.
Monica: Is he gonna introduce us?
Chandler: Nah, I think we're just blurry shapes to him now.
Charlie: Um, by the way, I-I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis.
Ross: Oh, I wrote that in one night.
Monica: Twenty bucks says they're married within the month.
Ross: We should probably get going, uh, you know, we got a lot of ground to cover.
Charlie: Oh, ah, isn't there another professor that is supposed to come with us?
Ross: I don't think so.
Charlie: I'm-I'm pretty sure, professor Spafford from Cornell?
Ross: Oh, well he's obviously late and the rule in my class is "if you can't come on time, then don't come at all".
Ross: An option that many of my students use.
Ross: Shall we?
Charlie: You don't think we should wait for him?
Ross: Oh, you know what, he's a big boy, I'm sure he'll find us, ok?
Professor Spafford: Professor Geller?
Ross: Oh, damn it!
Jane: Hi Joey it's Jane Rogers, can't wait for your party tonight.
Jane: Listen, I forgot your address, can you give me a call? Thanks, bye.
Joey: What's happening?
Rachel: Yeah, it's a real shame you can't make it to that one-woman show tonight.
Joey: Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day, you know? You know me, work comes first.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Message: Hi Joey, it's Jane Rogers, can't wait for your party tonight.
Joey: Stupid Jane Rogers!
Rachel: You are having a party tonight? !
Joey: Yeah ... Kinda having a ... a thing for the Days Of Our Life's people.
Rachel: And you weren't gonna tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that?
Joey: I do it every year.
Rachel: You do that every year?
Joey: I didn't have to tell you that! God, I'm stupider than Jan Rogers!
Rachel: Oh, that's why you got us tickets to that play, to get rid of us? !
Joey: Yeah ...
Rachel: And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant?
Joey: Yeah ...
Rachel: And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?
Joey: I can't believe you guys went for that one!
Rachel: Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your parties?
Joey: All right, you're fine, ok? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people!
Rachel: Well, then so just invite me ...
Joey: Please, I was trying to be nice, you're the worst one!
Rachel: Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let me come, I will behave, I promise!
Rachel: I will behave! Please, please, please ...
Joey: Ok, ok! Ok! Fine! You can come, but don't tell anybody else. It's up on the roof at 8.
Rachel: Oh, a soap opera roof party!
Rachel: I'm going to a soap opera roof party! Oh my God, oh my God!
Rachel: And it's out of my system!
Professor Spafford: And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos.
Professor Spafford: There was a sea food buffet you wouldn't believe.
Professor Spafford: There were clams, and mussels, and oysters, and cracked crab, and snow crab, and king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish.
Ross: So, where did you get your undergraduate degree?
Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to.
Ross: Oh, it's not over!
Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts, and cashews, and almonds, and filberts ...
Ross: So, basically all nuts?
Professor Spafford: Interestingly ... no.
Charlie: Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "interesting".
Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me I'm going to use the restroom.
Professor Spafford: When I come back, remind me to tell you about the different types of animal dander I'm allergic to.
Charlie: Oh ... my God!
Ross: I've lost the will to live.
Charlie: Let's ditch him!
Charlie: Come on, he's still in the bathroom! I'm begging you!
Ross: Oh ... ok, ok, fine. But ... ehm ... I just have one question for you, ehm ...
Ross: When we exit should we walk, or run, or prance, or stroll ...
Charlie: Stop it, stop it! He talks slow but he might pee fast! Ok, let's go!
Ross: We actually managed to salvage the day.
Charlie: Yeah, we did.
Charlie: And thanks for spending so much time with me.
Charlie: I'm so lucky it worked out you don't have class on Tuesday.
Ross: Oh, hey, you guys! This is Charlie!
Ross: Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica.
Ross: Yeah, Charlie is gonna be joining my department.
Phoebe: Oh, you're a paleontologist too!
Phoebe: Oh, ok, now, what do you think of Ranion's new theory of species' variegation in segmented arthopods?
Charlie: Well, I think he's a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas.
Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry. I had to take this. Excuse me.
Ross: Ranion's theory of species variegation?
Phoebe: Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table and I memorized the title to freak you out!
Monica: So, did you two have fun?
Ross: Oh! Oh my God, she's-she's great!
Ross: I mean, we-we have so much in common and she's just cool, you know, and funny ...
Monica: And I don't know if you've noticed but she's a hottle! ! Hi!
Rachel: Hey ... Hi you guys! Listen, you know what? I'm not feeling really well.
Rachel: I think I'm not gonna get to go to the play.
Ross: Really? What's-what's wrong?
Rachel: I don't know! I think it's kind of serious! Uhm, you know ... I was watching this thing on TV this morning about ... Newcastle disease ... and I think I might have it! !
Charlie: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and ... other poultry.
Rachel: Ok, who is this?
Ross: I'm sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer, uh she's a collegue.
Rachel: Oh, hi! I-I would shake your hand but ... I'm sure you don't wanna get my chicken disease.
Monica: Hey, Rachel, Can-can I see you for a sec?
Rachel: Oh ...
Monica: You're not sick!
Rachel: What? Yes I am!
Monica: Ok, then, why are you ... all dressed up?
Rachel: Wa! When you're sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel better!
Monica: You just wanna stay home so you can make a move on Joey!
Rachel: Oh, no, no! I heard you before, that is so not what this is!
Monica: Ok, then what is this?
Rachel: Uh, Ok!
Rachel: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you!
Ross: W-what's going on?
Monica: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof!
Rachel: And-and he didn't want you guys to know about it but I came over here to tell you.
Charlie: I thought you came to say you were sick.
Rachel: All right, professor or detective?
Phoebe: Joey's having a party and he wasn't gonna invite us?
Rachel: Yeah, he does it every year!
Rachel: That's why he's sending you to that play!
Rachel: That's why he sent us to that medieval restaurant, and to that button factory!
Phoebe: And that bad, horrible museum tour!
Ross: No, I arranged that.
Joey: Hey you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun.
Phoebe: We know about your party Joey.
Joey: What party?
Monica: The game's over! Take off your robe!
Joey:Really ... I mean ...
Everyone: No! No! Cover it up! Joey!
Joey: Nice to meet you!
Joey: Hey, you made it, all right. Hey, glad you could make it Thanks for coming.
Monica: Oh my God! Kyle Lowder!
Kyle Lowder: Hi.
Monica: I love you!
Joey: Hey, that's why I didn't invite you. you have to calm down, alright? just go, go get yourself a drink or something.
Monica: Oh yeah that's what you want- my inhibitions lowered.
Monica: Oh my God, can you believe we are surrounded by all this? I can barely control myself.
Phoebe: Monica, you might wanna remember that you are married.
Phoebe: Where is Chandler, anyway?
Monica: Oh my God! Chandler!
Chandler: Where the hell is everybody?
Bitter woman: Why don't you like me? !
Bitter woman: Chaper one My first period.
Monica: Hey! Joey said no autographs!
Monica: But if she's gettting one, I want one too, To Monica. And none of this "best wishes" crap. I want "love".
Rachel: Ok. Actually, uh Mon, Matthew was-was giving me his phone number.
Monica: Oh man! If I had known I was coming to this party I never would've gotten married!
Matthew Ashford: It was nice to meet you Rachel.
Rachel: Nice to meet you.
Matthew Ashford: Call me.
Monica: We will!
Monica: Look at you with all the guys!
Monica: I guess you have forgotten all about Joey?
Rachel: Yeah, well, I guess, I guess I have forgotten about Joey and clearly you've forgotten about Chandler!
Monica: Please ... Chandler is the love of my life ... oooh leather pants! Have mercy!
Charlie: So, did you get to go to things like this often?
Ross: Ok, come on, this is New York.
Ross: I mean, one night you're at a rooftop party filled with soap stars, and the next night, you're ... uhm, who am I kidding, this is so cool.
Ross: So, eh ... it's probably gonna be hard for you to leave Boston, huh?
Charlie: Actually, I'm kinda happy to be leaving ... I just broke up with someone.
Ross: Ooh ... so sad ...
Ross: Uh, still, it can't be easy for you to leave Harvard? Especially after working alongside a Nobel Prize winner like Albert Wintermeyer?
Charlie: Actually, Alby is the guy I broke up with.
Ross: You ... you dated Albert Wintermeyer?
Ross: And you called him Alby? !
Ross: I mean that's, that's like ... calling Albert Einstein ... er ... Alby ...
Charlie: Yeah, well, he is a, brilliant man.
Ross: Eh, you think?
Ross: I mean, you went out with a guy who improved the accuracy of radiocarbon dating by a factor of 10!
Charlie: Yes! And while that is everything one looks for in a boyfriend, he had a lot of issues.
Ross: Oh! like what?
Ross: Oh I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry ... it's just that this must be what regular people experience when they watch "Access Hollywood".
Charlie: Ok, you want the dirt? Alby was seriously insecure.
Charlie: I mean, he was really intimidated by the guy I dated before him.
Ross: Who is intimidating to a guy who won the Nobel Prize?
Charlie: A guy who won two.
Ross: Two? What? Don't tell me you-you dated Benjamin Hobart.
Charlie: Yeah ... for three years.
Ross: Oh my God!
Ross: Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who hasn't won the Nobel Prize?
Charlie: No. But-oh there was my first boyfriend Billy.
Ross: Oh yeah? no, no Nobel Prizes for him?
Charlie: No, but he did just win the McArthur genius grant.
Ross: Huh ... huh ... what a loser!
Ross: Some more wine?
Phoebe: Hey, Ross!
Rachel: How is it going with Charlie?
Ross: Oh Great! After I finish my wine I'm gonna blow my ... eh. average-sized brains out.
Phoebe: Oh, What's the matter?
Ross: She only dates geniuses and-and Nobel Prize winners.
Ross: Oh my God, at the Chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretented to be a woolly mammoth.
Rachel: I always loved that.
Ross: Of course you would, your brains are smaller than mine!
Ross: Man, I can't compete with the guys she goes out with, they are so out of my league!
Ross: Oh, my God!
Ross: Oh much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians ... "Can we walk"? Oh, you like that?
Rachel: Come on! I think that's funny!
Rachel: Woolly mammoth.
Bitter lady: Well, I bet you are all thinking that "Now would be a really great time for an intermission", huh?
Chandler: oh yes, God yes!
Bitter lady: Well, you're not gonna get one! Cause in life there are no intermissions, people.
Bitter lady: Chapter 7, Divorce is a 4 letter word.
Bitter lady: How could he leave me? !
Chandler: I ... I don't know ... you seem lovely.
Joey: Hey, Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk. Dirk, this is my good friend Ross.
Ross: Oh, cice to meet you.
Dirk: Hey! So what show are you on?
Ross: Oh, I'm no an actor, I'm a professor of palaeontology.
Joey: The science.
Dirk: Oh! Hey, well listen, I play a scientist on "Days".
Dirk: And my character has just won a Nobel prize.
Joey: Hey Ross, listen, Dirk was wondering about the woman that you brought and if you guys were together, or ...
Ross: Oh, well, no, but I mean, she-she only goes out with really, really smart guys.
Dirk: Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs.
Ross: I'd lead with that.
Monica: That's it, just sign right on the bra.
Monica: Don't worry Joe, I-I won't come next year!
Joey: What you got there?
Rachel: Well, just some boys gave me their phone numbers.
Joey: Ah, let me, let me see! Damn, that's a lot of guys! Are you a little slutty?
Rachel: I think I am.
Joey: Let me see if I approve any of these clowns. This guy wears a rug.
Rachel: Well ...
Joey: This guy's Canadian.
Joey: And this guy is in a cult, ok, and it costs you $5,000 to get to level three and I don't feel any different.
Joey: Pass, pass, oh pass, pass ...
Rachel: Why, why, what's wrong with these guys?
Joey: Well, nothing major, it's just that, you know, they're not really good enough for you, and you deserve the best.
Rachel: Joey, you're so sweet.
Joey: It's true. But you know what, it doesn't matter because I already know who you're gonna go home with tonight.
Joey: Yeah, because we live together, it's a joke!
Rachel: Oh, Very funny ... Really. I got it.
Joey: Got you!
Rachel: You're funny, Joey. Oh, my God.
Chandler: So, how did you enjoy the play?
Monica: Oh, my God, honey, I'm so so so so so so sorry.
Chandler: Well you should be.
Chandler: You missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater.
Monica: You really liked it?
Chandler: Oh yeah! I mean at first I hated it, but why wouldn't I, because as a man I've been trained not to listen!
Chandler: But after chapter 16, "fat, single and ready to mingle",
Chandler: I was uplifted.
Monica: Oh really?
Chandler: Oh, yeah, I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman! Tell me, tell me about your first period!
Chandler: Did somebody sign your bra?
Monica: So I got it when I was 13. Very difficult.
Phoebe: Hey Ross! So, listen, about you and-and the dinosaur girl, are you really just gonna let a couple of Nobel prizes scare you off? What is that, come on, a piece of paper?
Ross: It's actually a million dollar prize.
Phoebe: Go Charlie!
Phoebe: But my point is, ok so she dated them but she also broke up with them.
Phoebe: Maybe she's looking to, you know, slum it with some average Joe PhD.
Ross: Yeah, maybe. And I do have my whole career in front of me. I mean, I-I could still win a Nobel prize.
Ross: Although, the last two papers I-I've written were widely discredited.
Phoebe: You're so much more than just brains! You're sweet, and kind, and funny ...
Ross: And sexy.
Phoebe: Ok well give her a chance to see all of that!
Ross: Yeah, yeah, you're right, thanks Pheebs, I'm gonna go find her.
Phoebe: Good for you! Hey, and I thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian era was top-notch!
Ross: Stop going through my stuff!
Rachel: I just wanted to let you know, I've changed my mind: I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna kiss Joey.
Monica: No, you can't! Friends hooking up is a bad idea.
Rachel: Please, what about you and Chandler?
Monica: That's different! I was drunk and stupid!
Rachel: Well hello!
Monica: What about all the guys that you got the phone numbers from? Why don't you just kiss one of them?
Rachel: I could, I could, but I don't want to! I wanna kiss Joey!
Monica: Alright. I think it's a big mistake but it's your decision.
Rachel: I'm gonna do it.
Monica: And I can't stop you.
Monica: Oh, can I at least have the phone numbers!
Ross: Hey Rach, have you seen Charlie anywhere?
Ross: I'm smarter than him!
Phoebe: Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler.
Chandler: Oh well, this was a really important experience for me, and I wanted to share it with you.
Monica: Oh, you're so wonderful.
Bitter woman: Why don't you like me!
Bitter woman: Chapter one my first period.
Chandler: Can't believe you guys bought that, enjoy your slow death.