Monica: It's so weird, how did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night? I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie.
Ross: Hey, I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie too ok? But surprise!
Chandler: I missed most of the party.
Chandler: Charlie's a girl, right?
Ross: Yes, she is this new professor in my department that I did not kiss.
Rachel: I don't know why Joey had to kiss her! I mean, of all the girls at the party, God!
Ross: Why do you care so much?
Monica: Yes, Rachel, why do you care so much?
Rachel: Be-cause Ross is the father of my child!
Rachel: You know ... and I ... want him to hook up with lots of women!
Rachel: Look, I just, All I'm saying is, I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common.
Ross: I don't know, they seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils.
Phoebe: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine, if they had kids and if-if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism ... those nerds will get laaaaaid!
Rachel: All right, so ... Ross, you're ok with all this? I mean…
Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. I mean, I just met her and I'm fine with it.
Ross: Oh, God. I forgot how hot she was! I'm gonna get some more coffee.
Charlie: Oh you know, I'll come with you.
Chandler: So, a professor, uh?
Joey: Yeah! She is cool, and she's so smart!
Joey: Her mind is totally acrimonious.
Joey: That's not how she used it.
Charlie: I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don't ordinarily go around kissing guys at parties.
Charlie: I'm ... well, I'm kind of embarrassed. I really hope you don't think less of me.
Ross: No, think less of you! No, I don't think less of you. I mean, you-you saw someone you liked and you kissed them.
Ross: I mean, those people who-who like someone and-and don't kiss them ... those-those people are stupid, I hate those people.
Charlie: You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself.
Charlie: I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral ...
Ross: Yeah, I know the type.
Joey: Hey, if you wanna you know grab a bite before work we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close?
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look what I just got.
Rachel: Oh, wow, I love those! Where did you get them?
Phoebe: I bought them off eBay!
Rachel: They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.
Rachel: Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive!
Phoebe: Oh, then I overpaid.
Monica: Hey, what's this?
Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new Spa in SoHo.
Monica: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage chains.
Rachel: Ah, why, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of. I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting.
Monica: Do you wanna go hunting?
Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option!
Phoebe: What's up? Hey, Rachel!
Phoebe: No, you can't go there!
Phoebe: You know how I feel about these "big massage places"! They're putting people like me out of business!
Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!
Rachel: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it! It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks!
Phoebe: Ok, this is not about the money, ok?
Phoebe: It's-it's about, it's about corporate greed destroying our hearts and leaving us ... the-the hollow shells.
Rachel: I don't care about any of that!
Phoebe: Well, do you care about friendship?
Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please, don't use this gift certificate. I'm asking you as a friend.
Rachel: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe! Fine, I won't use it!
Rachel: I promise.
Phoebe: Thank you.
Rachel: But I am going hunting!
Monica: Hey honey! I missed you today!
Chandler: Oh, yeah?
Monica: Yeah. Hey. What'd you wanna do tonight?
Chandler: Oh, well uh, maybe we could ...
Monica: Ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience!
Monica: Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank.
Chandler: We really need to take those tests? You know, I don't like the words they use in those places, you know? They're so clinical. This is a pee-pee, that's a hoo-hoo.
Monica: Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year.
Monica:Just think it's a good idea to find out if everything's okay. Just a few routine tests.
Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup!
Monica: What is the big deal?
Chandler: It's weird! In a doctor's office?
Monica: It's not ok to do it in a doctor's office but it is ok to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell?
Chandler: I cannot believe Ross told you that! And in my defense, it was a Wendy's!
Monica: Oh, ok, I don't wanna do this test either, but I really do think it's a good idea!
Chandler: Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office can't be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey's factory!
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Rachel talks too!
Joey: Who says that wine has to cost more than milk!
Joey: Come on in, how are ya?
Charlie: I'm good!
Joey: Can I offer you a drink?
Charlie: Please, I have been crazed all day!
Charlie: I had a meeting with the dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm writing the foreword for a friend's book ...
Joey: Yeah, I had a pretty hectic day at work too, today I had to open a door and go ohhhh!
Charlie: So I am just so excited to be here.
Charlie: I mean I can't wait to start exploring the city!
Joey: Hey, if you need a tour guide ...
Charlie: Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun!
Joey: Oh, yeah, definitely, definitely ok. Uh, what do you wanna see first?
Charlie: Oh, well, we can go see the Kronos Quartet at the Avery Fisher Hall.
Charlie: And, oh, there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library.
Joey: I know, yeah!
Charlie: Ahh. Uhm, but first, I have to see the MET!
Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, ok? You wanna see the Yankees.
Charlie: No, no, not the Mets, the MET, singular!
Joey: Which one, they all suck!
Charlie: The museum!
Joey: I don't think so.
Rachel: Hi there!
Receptionist: Hello, welcome to Lavender Day Spa. How may I help you?
Rachel: Oh, hi. I'm, I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green.
Rachel: and here is my gift certificate.
Receptionist: This's been torn up.
Rachel: And ... taped back together.
Receptionist: Ok, well, I'll call you as soon as your massage therapist is ready.
Receptionist: Have a seat through the glass doors.
Rachel: Through the glass doors.
Receptionist: Through the glass doors.
Rachel: Alrighty then.
Receptionist: Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room.
Phoebe: Ok. Do we have to talk like that when they're not around?
Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no! Listen, is there someone who can fill in for me?
Receptionist: Sorry, everyone is booked!
Phoebe: But that woman can't know I work here. She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink about how awful this massage chains are.
Receptionist: Then why do you work here?
Phoebe: Cause it's good money! But that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil blood sucking corporate machine!
Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work!
Phoebe: Ok, are they listening?
Joey: I uh, I need to talk to you about Charlie.
Ross: Oh, do you, do you really?
Joey: Yeah, I'm ... I'm kinda having a little problem.
Ross: Look, if you don't know what the word "acrimonious" means, just don't use it!
Joey: No, look, you know Charlie, right? She's cool, she's funny, her body is soo ...
Ross: Get to the problem!
Joey: Right. It's just that she's so much smarter than all the girls I've ever dated! Combined!
Joey: You know, and I just, I don't want her to think I'm stupid!
Ross: Are you wearing two belts?
Joey: Eh, what do you know!
Ross: You were saying you didn't wanna seem stupid.
Joey: Right, right, right, well, she, like she wants to go to all this cultural places and I don't know how to talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out!
Ross: You know, I-I really don't wanna get involved in you guy's relationship.
Joey: Oh dude, please, come on, you're the smartest person I know and I-I really like this girl, ok, I-I don't wanna lose her.
Ross: Ok. Let's see. Oh, you-you should take her to the MET!
Joey: The Metsss!
Ross: No-no-no! The MET! The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Joey: Oh, that's what she meant!
Joey: You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! you know? short for museum, and avoid all the confusion!
Ross: Yeah, yeah, most days the place is packed with confused angry baseball fans.
Joey: Ok, all right, so, I-I'll take her to the MET.
Ross: Yeah, uh, uh, ok, there's this great rare bookstore on Madison Avenue.
Ross: You know what? She loves architecture, you know what you should do?
Ross: You should take a walk down fifth to the Saint Patrick's Cathedral and there there's this great little pastry shop that she'd love.
Joey: Geez, sounds like you should be going on this date!
Ross: But I'm not!
Ross: You know what if you're in the mood for Thai food ...
Joey: Okay, slow down.
Joey: You're going way too fast. Okay? Just go back to the Met.
Joey: So, you gotta tell me exactly what to do there.
Ross: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take a right, okah? that's the antiquities wing.
Ross: Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok, so, I walk in the door and make a right.
Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. I mean how do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the Internet.
Monica: Because, honey, I-I mean this in the sweetest way possible, nobody is gonna wanna watch that.
Nurse: Mr. Bing? Here you are!
Nurse: You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container.
Chandler: Deposit my specimen? You know, I usually have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it.
Monica: All right, honey, my test is down the hall, are you sure you're gonna be ok?
Chandler: Yeah, I guess!
Monica: Look, I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares! No one here even knows you!
Janice: Oh my God!
Chandler: Oh, Come on!
Janice: How great is this!
Monica: Yeah, we're probably fertile, let's go home!
Chandler: Why are you here?
Janice: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently we ...
Chandler: No no no, I mean, why? why is she here?
Janice: Oh! Someone's a little cranky today 'cause they have to do it in a cup! Oh! They gave you the kiddy size.
Chandler: What? !
Monica: This was fun! But I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to!
Chandler: I'd love to stay, but I have eh ... got a hot date ...
Janice: Please go! Just let me know if you need a hand!
Chandler: I think it just fell off.
Phoebe: Hello "ja", it's time for your massage, ja! Put-put your face in the hole.
Rachel: Wow, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person.
Phoebe: Ok, then I'm Swedish.
Monica: So, what's your name?
Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name ... Ikea.
Rachel: Oh, what an interesting name.
Rachel: You know I ...
Phoebe: Time for your scalp massage!
Rachel: Wow. I really love your ...
Phoebe: Is something wrong?
Rachel: No, it's just that uhm ... just feels so good ... Ikea.
Rachel: No, hey, say, you'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden?
Phoebe: Uhm ... Stockholm.
Rachel: Damn! I wish I knew if that was right!
Joey: Note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas. Monet painted quickly and usually outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself.
Ross: Now, do you have any idea what you just said?
Joey: No, no, my mouth says the words, my brain is thinking monster trucks!
Ross: Ok now, remember, when you get to the museum, Monet is-is not spelt M-O-N-A-Y.I just ... I wrote that out phonetically for you.
Ross: Yeah, yeah, that means ... you know? We just ... we don't have time for this.
Ross: Ok, but you know what? I gotta say, I'm really impressed that-that you were able to memorize all this so quickly!
Joey: Ah! I'm an actor! I can memorize anything! Last week on "Days" I had to say "Frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy".
Ross: Wow. Wh-what's that mean?
Joey: No idea!
Joey: But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene so, I guess it means "you're gonna get eaten by a bear".
Ross: Ok! Um. So let's move on to the, to the Renaissance?
Joey: Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. Touch it, it's really bumpy!
Ross: Nah ah! Nah ah! No no no! No ad-libbing and dude, you-you can't touch the paintings.
Joey: Come on! you ...
Ross: No! No!
Chandler: My specimen is in the room, and I just wanna thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there.
Chandler: Really helped speed the process along!
Chandler: Janice! You're not ... gone?
Janice: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow porn at home so this is like a vacation for him.
Janice: So, did you do it? Did you make your deposit?
Chandler: Yeah! yeah. Hard part is over!
Janice: Oh, that's not the hard part honey!
Chandler: Well, no, there is talking to you, but- Monica is gonna come out, we're gonna go soon.
Janice: Chandler, the hard part is what comes next. Aren't you a little worried about the results? I mean, oh, when Sid and I did this last time. My God, I was a mess.
Chandler: I haven't even ... thought about the results ... I just ... assumed that everything was gonna be ok.
Janice: oh, you know what? you probably is.
Chandler: Yeah, but what if it's not ok? I mean what if, what if there is a reason we can't have a baby?
Janice: Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are meant to have children. I am sure it's gonna be just fine.
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, ok, thanks. I mean I can't believe I didn't even think of that. I guess I was just so worried about having to ... come here and do ... 'that' ...
Janice: I mean, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office?
Chandler: It was a "Wendy's!"
Phoebe: "Ipan Stripan, Glupi Glabi!" And that is the Swedish National Anthem! Thank you for asking!
Rachel: Wow, Ikea ... what a rich culture.
Rachel: Uhm, you know what? I have a-a friend who is a masseuse.
Phoebe: Oh, Ja! Ja!
Rachel: Yeah! She's ... uhm ... not very good though ...
Phoebe: A-ha, A-ha, and why do you think that is?
Rachel: I don't know ... maybe it's because she has got such callusy fingers from playing crummy guitar ...
Phoebe: Ha-ha-ha ... or, maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high-maintenance tight-ass!
Phoebe: You know it's me?
Rachel: For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!
Phoebe: How-how can you come here?
Rachel: How could you not tell me you worked here?
Phoebe: I don't have to tell you everything!
Rachel: Yes you do, if you're gonna make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!
Phoebe: Tips not included.
Rachel: Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here?
Phoebe: Because I was ashamed ok? I sold out for the cash!
Phoebe: And then they give me, give me benefits like medical, and dental, and a 401 Kur.
Phoebe: But you know ... you pay a price. Now I'm this Corporate stooge and punching a clock and Ugh! paying taxes!
Rachel: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit!
Rachel: Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!
Phoebe: You know what? You are right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back!
Rachel: Good for you Pheebs!
Phoebe: If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you.
Ross: Haha! Got ya! Die, die, die!
Ross: Respectfully, professor R.Geller.
Ross: Hey, how was, how was the Met?
Charlie: Oh, the museum was amazing!
Ross: Yeah? Joey really knows this art, huh?
Charlie: Not so much, no. He had clearly memorized all the stuff to say, and some of it didn't even make any sense.
Ross: What'd you mean?
Charlie: Well, for one, he was talking about paintings that were nowhere around.
Ross: Wait a minute ... wait, when you guys walked into the Met, did-did you go to the right?
Charlie: No, no, we went to the left.
Ross: Oh Joey, Joey, Joey!
Ross: Well still, I mean, it seems like you guys are having a great time together.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, it's fun.
Charlie: Actually, you know, Joey is your friend, and you don't really know me that well; it would be weird.
Ross: What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on.
Charlie: Well ... I'm, I'm just thinking that maybe Joey isn't the right guy for me to be with right now, you know, maybe I should be with someone ...
Charlie: I have more in common with. You know what I mean?
Ross: But you know what? Um, I don't know, I think, I think you should give Joey a chance.
Ross: I mean, he's a great guy, and sure he doesn't know that much about art but ...
Ross: you know, you could always talk about that with someone else.
Charlie: Yeah, I guess that's true.
Ross: And if you think about it, I mean the reason he memorized all that stuff is because he thought it was important to you.
Ross: You know, that's the kinda guy Joey is.
Charlie: He is very sweet.
Charlie: Plus he's hot!
Ross: That-that was gonna be my next argument.
Joey: You ready?
Charlie: Yeah, let's go.
Charlie: Thanks, Ross.
Joey: Hey Ross! That art stuff worked, you hooked me up.
Ross: Glad I could help man.
Joey: Although some of that stuff wasn't where you said it was gonna be, but ... I made it work.
Chandler: It is not ok that I'm aroused by this now.
Chandler: Oh, hi, Doctor Connelly. Uh, no, she's not here but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this?
Chandler: Oh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, well, so, what's that mean?
Chandler: Ok. Uh, ok, thank you. Thanks.
Monica: Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Doctor Connelly just called.
Monica: Oh. With-with good news?
Monica: Of course it is not good news, you just said "Doctor Connelly just called". If it was good news you would've said "Doctor Connelly just called! "
Monica: But, uh, so, what-what is it? Is it, uh, is there a problem, is there a problem with me, or with you?
Chandler: Actually it's both of us.
Chandler: Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment.
Monica: Oh. What's that mean?
Chandler: It means that my guys won't get off their Barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do.
Chandler: It means ...
Chandler: It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us.
Monica: My God!
Chandler: I'm sorry.
Monica: I'm sorry too.
Chandler: Well, we're gonna, we're gonna figure this out.
Monica: I know.
Receptionist: Good morning Phoebe.
Phoebe: Good morning receptionist.
Receptionist: Here's your schedule for the day. Your first client is in room No. 1.
Phoebe: Rachel Green? Son of a bitch, she came back?
Phoebe: Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassie.