Ross: Hey you guys!
Ross: Hey, what're you doing?
Mike: Oh, figuring out our wedding plans.
Chandler: That's funny, we were doing the same thing!
Phoebe: It's really crazy! The hall, the dress, the food, I...I had no idea how expensive this stuff was!
Chandler: Yeah it is really pricey. I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers.
Phoebe: So what did you two do about it?
Chandler: It was pretty simple actually, I came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell.
Ross: There's no way around it Pheebs, you just kinda have to accept the fact that this is gonna cost you a lot of money.
Mike: I heard the weddings were like a 40 billion dollar a year industry.
Ross: Yeah, and I'm responsible for just like half of that.
Phoebe: I don't know. This...it's a lot of money to spend on one day.
Mike: Hey, I've been married before, I don't need a big wedding. All I ask is that you don't do ecstasy and make out with my brother.
Phoebe: But really, it does seem like this money could be put to better use.
Ross: Hey, you could buy a ton of Amway products.
Phoebe: Or, give it all to charity.
Ross: Oh, that's great. How am I gonna unload all those Amway products.
Mike: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yeah! Now, how would you feel if we gave all the wedding money to charity and...and we just got married at City Hall?
Mike: I think it would make me wanna marry you even more.
Ross: I've gotta say you guys, that's...that's an incredible gesture!
Chandler: Maybe you do that next time you get married!
Ross: No no no. The next time it's gonna be Hawaii at sunset. But maybe the time after that!
Joey: What's going on?
Chandler: Our adoption social worker is coming by today so we're cleaning the apartment.
Chandler: You know you don't want me to help. You can't have it both ways!
Joey: Hey, is this person who decides whether or not you get a baby?
Chandler: Kind of. She's coming by to interview us and see where we live.
Monica: And it has to go perfectly, because if she doesn't like something about us she can keep us off every adoption list in the state.
Joey: Hey, maybe I should stop by! She could be a soap opera fan! It's very impressive when the little people know a celebrity.
Chandler: Little people?
Monica: Ok, so I think I'm just about done here, um, unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like...porn or cigarettes?
Chandler: What? No!
Chandler: I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation!
Monica: Ok, so there's not a magazine under the couch, or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of the toilet tank, or a filthy video in the VCR?
Chandler: I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine.
Monica: Well, it isn't mine!
Joey: I guess we'll never know whose it is!
Charity guy: May I help you?
Phoebe: Yes. We're here to make a rather sizable donation to the children.
Charity guy: Well, any contribution, large or small, is always appreciated.
Phoebe: Well, I think you're gonna appreciate it the crap out of this one.
Charity guy: Well, this is very generous!
Phoebe: And we don't want any recognition. This is completely anonymous.
Mike: Completely anonymous. From two kind strangers.
Phoebe: Mr. X and Phoebe Buffay.
Charity guy: Well if you like, we can include your names in our newsletter.
Mike: Not necessary.
Phoebe: Buffay is spelled B-U-F-F-A-Y.
Mike: And "X" is spelled uh..."Mike Hannigan". Possible headline: "Attractive Couple Makes World Better."
Charity guy: Right. Well, on behalf of the children: thank you both very much.
Phoebe: Sure, I so glad we did this. It feels so good!
Mike: It does. It feels really good!
Phoebe: Oh, look! And we get these free T-shirts!
Charity guy: Oh, actually, that's the shirt I wore to the gym.
Phoebe: Mhm...it's moist.
Rachel: Hi! Emma will be up in a minute!
Ross: Oh, good!
Rachel: Oh hey Ross...Listen, I heard about you and Charlie. I'm really sorry.
Ross: Oh, that's OK.I'm sure there are tons of other beautiful paleontologists out there.
Ross: There was one! She's it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge!
Rachel: So, uh...what're you gonna do today?
Ross: Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground!
Rachel: Oh my God, what? !
Ross: Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma to the museum of knives and fire!
Rachel: Ok, look, Ross. I do not want Emma going to the playground.
Rachel: All right, well, if you must know...I had a traumatic...swing incident...when I was little.
Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! And it was uneven for weeks!
Ross: And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie!
Rachel: Ok, fine! You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. And I was thinking Claire Danes.
Ross: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and besides Emma loves them. You know what, you should come with us and you'll see!
Rachel: Ross, those things go like 40 miles an hour! Ok? When you're...and there is that moment when you are at the top, when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to earth!
Ross: Space is filled with orbiting children. Look, please, just come on, you know, when you see the look on Emma's face, I swear you won't regret it.
Rachel: All right!
Ross: Good, you know, you don't wanna be one of those mothers who pass on their irrational fears to their children, do you?
Rachel: Irrational, huh? All right, well, I'll remember that the next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment!
Ross: Oh, yeah, that's the same, I am sure there are thirty different species of poisonous swings!
Monica: Oh my God, the adoption lady is early!
Chandler: Ok, ok, here we go.
Chandler: here we go.
Chandler: Stand up straight. Big smile.
Phoebe: Hello, is this the creepy residence?
Monica: We're waiting for the adoption lady, but, hey, I'm glad you're here. I was cleaning this morning and I found this. I don't know if you wanna use it, but...
Phoebe: Aww, this is so sweet of you! Aww, but you know what? I won't be needing a veil, I actually won't be wearing a dress at all!
Monica: I told you I am not coming to a naked wedding!
Phoebe: No, no, no, we're just...we're not having a big reception, we took the money we were gonna spend on a wedding and we donate it to a children's charity.
Monica: That's crazy!
Monica: Crazy generous! I am sorry. I just...I can't imagine giving up my one wedding day like that!
Phoebe: Yeah, well, we're different! You know, I don't care about having a huge party. This is really nice for you, but, oh, please, I put this on? And, ow, I just look like, well, radiant.
Phoebe: All right, but who cares, you know I don't need a pretty veil and a fancy dress.
Monica: That's right. You're making a commitment and you know that's the same, whether you do that at the Plaza or, where are you gonna do it?
Phoebe: City Hall. Ow!
Monica: Oh, that sounds nice! Now, I am just there for jury duty. They really spruce that place up!
Phoebe: Ok, now, it's ok, it's ok, it's OK! I made my decision. What I really want is a great big wedding.
Chandler: But you already gave all the money to charity!
Phoebe: Well, I'll just ask for it back!
Chandler: I don't think you can do that!
Monica: Why not? ! This is her wedding day, that's way more important than some stupid kids!
Chandler: That's sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption lady.
Rachel: All right, ok. Be careful.
Rachel: Careful, watch her hair. Watch her hair!
Ross: Rach, she's got like three hairs!
Rachel: I know, I know but they're just so beautiful! Oh, my God, I just pulled one out.
Ross: I promise you she's safe! Ok? Now, watch, watch how much she loves this.
Ross: Are you ready sweetie? Here we go!
Rachel: Ok, careful, ok. Oh! Oh! Oh, She's smiling! Oh look at that, she does like it!
Ross: See, I told you!
Rachel: Oh my God! Look, she's a little daredevil! Oh, God, oh, let me push, can I push?
Ross: Oh, absolutely!
Rachel: Oh God. Ok, get...get the camera, it's...it's in the diaper bag.
Ross: Ok! See? Scared of swings, I bet you feel pretty silly. Ow!
Mike: We're seriously asking for the money back?
Phoebe: It's for our wedding day! Alright, now, is this guy gay or straight, 'cause one of us is gonna have to start flirting.
Charity guy: Wow! Are you here to make another donation the same day? I don't think that's ever happened before.
Phoebe: Gay, go.
Mike: Oh my God, I love your shirt!
Phoebe: The donation we made earlier, uh, well...we...we want...we want it back.
Charity guy: Excuse me?
Phoebe: Yeah. See, ok, that money was for a, a big wedding, that we thought we didn't want, but it turns out we do.
Charity guy: So, you're asking us to refund your donation to the children?
Mike: Yeah! This feels really good.
Phoebe: I...I'm...I'm sorry. I am, but you know, this wedding is just really important to me.
Charity guy: Hey, it's not my business, besides it's probably a good thing. We really'd been spoiling the children with all the food and warm clothing.
Phoebe: That's not fair. A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. Ok? I...I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to prom. And I spent my sweet 16 being chased around a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who in his own words, wanted to: "Kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration. And I'm not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.
Mike: She could've been talking about either one of us.
Monica: Okay. Here we go.
Chandler: Good luck.
Monica: Tongue, really?
Laura: Hi, I am Laura, I am here for your adoption interview.
Monica: Hi, I am Monica, and this is Chandler.
Monica: Please come in.
Laura: Thank you!
Monica: Would you like something to drink?
Laura: Oh, water would be fine.
Monica: Ok. Great. We're so glad that you're here. We're really excited about getting this process started.
Chandler: Because we love kids. Loving to death. Well, not actually to death, that's just a figure of speech: we love kids the appropriate amount...as allowed by law.
Laura: Your place is just lovely.
Monica: Ah, thank you. Yes this building does have a wholesome family feel to it.
Laura: You know, I...I feel like I've been here before. Are any other couples in the building adopting?
Monica: Is that that couple on the first floor? Because we should get a baby before them. Yeah! That guy tried to sell me drugs.
Chandler: But other than that...wholesome, wholesome building.
Laura: I just realized why I remember this place.
Monica: Really? What is it?
Laura: Oh, it's nothing. I went on a date with a guy who lived in this building and it didn't end very well.
Monica: That wouldn't by any chance be...Joey Tribbiani?
Chandler: Of course it was!
Laura: Yeah, we had a really great night and in the morning he promised he would call me and he didn't.
Chandler: Rat bastard! So you're not friends with him?
Monica: Oh, God, no.
Monica and Chandler: No, no, no, no. No! No, no. Nope! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. NO! No!
Laura: Well, I'm sorry I brought it up. So, are either one of you planning on staying at home...
Joey: Hello? Anybody in there ordered a celebrity.
Laura: What was that?
Chandler: Oh, it's just some crazy guy who roams the halls here. He's great with kids though.
Rachel: Oh, God, Ross, oh my God, are you ok?
Ross: Son of a bitch! Oh relax! I didn't say the 'F' word!
Rachel: Ross, see! I told you, those swings are evil! Alright, that is it. That is the last time Emma is getting on one of those things for her entire life.
Ross: No! No, no, no, no, ok, it wasn't the swing's fault. It was my fault and kind of that kid's fault. Who is still laughing. Nice.
Rachel: Ross, come on, please. Can we just get out of here, before somebody else gets hurt?
Ross: No wait, ok, ok, I have an idea. I want you to get on the swing, ok? And...and you'll see that there's nothing to be afraid of.
Rachel: I know what this is all about...You've always been jealous of my hair.
Ross: Look, I just think you're an adult, ok? And and you should get over your silly fears.
Rachel: Alright fine. I'll do it.
Rachel: If you hold a spider.
Ross: Where? ! Where? !
Rachel: If you hold a spider.
Ross: I know.
Joey: Guys? Is everything ok? It's me, Joe...
Laura: What's going on?
Chandler: Oh, just like I said. That crazy...Bert...roaming the halls.
Monica: Keep on roaming Bert! We don't want any crazy today!
Laura: Is he all right there by himself?
Chander: Oh, yeah. He has a caretaker. His older brother...Ernie.
Laura: Bert and Ernie?
Chandler: You can't make this stuff up.
Joey: What's going on?
Chandler: We'll talk later! Everything's fine!
Joey: Everything doesn't sound fine!
Chandler: Bert and Ernie have a big yellow bird.
Mike: You never told me about that guy on your sweet sixteen. Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Phoebe: Oh, it ended okay. One of my friends shot him.
Mike: Well, hey, at least you're getting a proper wedding. I mean, you really deserve that.
Phoebe: Yeah, I really do. You know, I had nothing growing up. Just like the kids I took the money from.
Mike: No! No, no. I see where this is going. Don't make me go back there.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, but I wanna re-give the money to the children.
Mike: But we CAN'T! I mean you called the guy a sweaty little man. Unless you were talking about me, I don't know. We never really cleared that up.
Phoebe: Look, I can't have a wedding with this money now. It's tainted.
Mike: Alright, fine. We'll give the money back.
Phoebe: And if that guy at the charity gives us a hard time, my friend hasn't shot anyone in a really long time.
Laura: Well, I must say, this seems like a lovely environment to raise a child in.
Monica: Oh, by the way, you are more than welcome to look under any of the furniture, because, believe me, you won't find any porn or cigarettes under there!
Laura: Oh! actually, before we look around, let me make sure I have everything I need up to here.
Monica: Why don't I show you the baby's room?
Chandler: What the hell are you doing?
Joey: Well, you wouldn't let me in, so I thought you were in trouble.
Chandler: Well, we're not.
Joey: But you called me Bert! That's our code word for danger!
Chandler: We don't have a code word.
Joey: We don't? We really should. From now on, Bert will be our code word for danger.
Monica: So that was the baby's room.
Monica: What room should we see next?
Chandler: Any room that isn't behind this couch!
Monica: Some people don't get him, but I think he's really funny!
Joey: I did not care for that.
Chandler: You have to get out of here. You slept with our social worker and you never called her back and she is still pissed, so she can't see you.
Joey: Ok, ok!
Joey: I forgot my bat.
Laura: Oh my God!
Chandler: And for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you! And we don't wanna buy your bat!
Laura: What are you doing here?
Joey: Bert! Bert! Bert!
Laura: Are you friends with him?
Chandler: I can explain...Joey.
Joey: Uh...ok...uh...Well, yeah...You, have got some nerve, coming back here. I can't believe you never called me.
Laura: Excuse me?
Joey: Oh...yeah...Probably you don't even remember my name. It's Joey, by the way. And don't bother telling me yours, because I totally remember it...lady. Yeah! I waited weeks for you to call me.
Laura: I gave you my number, you never called me.
Joey: No, no! Don't try to turn this around on me, ok? I'm not some kinda...social work, ok, that you can just...do.
Laura: Well, I'm pretty sure I gave you my number.
Joey: Really? Think about it. Come on! You're a beautiful woman, smart, funny, we had a really good time, huh? If I had your number, why wouldn't I call you?
Laura: I don't know. Well, maybe I'm wrong. I'm sorry...
Joey: No, no, hey, no! Too late for apologies...ok? You broke my heart. You know how many women I had to sleep with to get over you?
Laura: Joey, wait!
Joey: NO! I waited a long time, I can't wait anymore.
Laura: I'm sorry that you had to see that. I'm so embarrassed.
Chandler: Oh, that's really ok.
Monica: Yeah, that we totally understand. Dating is hard.
Laura: Boy, you people are nice. And I've got to say...I think you're going to make excellent parents.
Phoebe: We're back!
Charity guy: Are you here to take more money? Because, I think what you're looking for is an ATM.
Mike: No, no, we're here to give the money back.
Phoebe: Yeah, because you know what, it's...it's all about the children.
Phoebe: Although...it's also about the wedding...Ugh, alright...here. No...Oh God...Oh!
Charity guy: If I haven't said so already sir, congratulations!
Phoebe: Oh wait, wait! What if, what if we give half to the charity and we keep half? Or, no, like, 75 percent for us and 25 percent for the children...Or, no, like, 90-10.
Mike: Ok, you know what? Enough! Alright? I'm stepping in. I'm putting my foot down! As your future husband I'm going to make this decision for us. Now, what do you think we should do?
Charity guy: You know what? It's not your decision anymore.
Charity guy: On behalf of the Children of New York, I reject your money.
Phoebe: But, we're...we're giving you this!
Charity guy: Yeah...And I'm giving it back to you...Come on! Consider it a contribution.
Phoebe: Well, this is very generous!
Charity guy: Please, take the check, go have a great wedding and a wonderful life together.
Mike: Well, I mean...It sounds good to me. And that way we can save up, come back in a few years and make an even bigger donation.
Charity guy: Absolutely! And when you do, make sure you ask for Brian.
Phoebe: Oh, is that you?
Charity guy: No!
Monica: Hello? Oh hi! Oh my God! Really? I can't wait to tell Chandler. Ok, goodbye.
Chandler: Wrong number?
Monica: It was Laura. She gave us a great report and we are officially on the waiting list.
Chandler: That's great!
Monica: Now we just have to wait for a call and...and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. Ohh.
Chandler: Hello? Have you seen Joey's bat?
Rachel: Ok. I got a spider. There were two, I picked the bigger one.
Ross: This feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing!
Rachel: Ok. Ok...
Rachel: Ok! Whoo. Ok.
Rachel: Alright! I can do this.
Ross: There you go! Good for you! And you know what, I'm actually getting used to this little guy. I...I don't really even feel him in here anymore.
Rachel: That's 'cause he's on your neck.
Ross: What? Aaah! Aaahh!