Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this is like a complete nightmare!
Chandler: I know. This must be so hard. "Oh, no! Two women love me! They're both gorgeous and sexy, my wallet's too small for my 50s...and my diamond shoes are too tight!"
Joey: Here's a thought, Ross. -Chandler: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.
Joey: Ross, listen. I got two words for you: Threesome.
Chandler: Okay. All right. Look. Let's get logical about this. Okay. We'll make a list. "Rachel and Julie: Pros and Cons."
Chandler: We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.
Ross: Can't we just use a pen? -Chandler: No, Amish boy.
Joey: All right. Let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. Rachel first.
Ross: I don't know. I mean.... All right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.
Joey: You could say that.
Ross: I guess, you know, sometimes she's a little ditzy, you know? And I've seen her be a little too into her looks.
Ross: And oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, right? But Rachel's just a waitress.
Chandler: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?
Ross: I don't know.
Joey: Oh! Her ankles are a little chubby.
Chandler: Okay, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?
Ross: She's not Rachel.
Monica: Okay, this is pumpkin pie with a Macholate cookie crumb crust.
Monica: This is Macholate cranberry cake, and these are Macholate-chip cookies. Just like the lndians served.
Rachel: Oh, my God! -Monica:"Oh, my God" good?
Rachel: Oh, my God! I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.
Phoebe: Oh! Sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!
Chandler: I'm telling you, this thing won't print.
Chandler: Yes, I pressed that button, like, 100 times. You know for a hotline, you're not so hot.
Chandler: What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek?
Joey: Hey, so how did go with Julie? Did you break her heart?
Ross: Yes. It was horrible. She cried, I cried. She threw things, they hit me. I did the right thing.
Chandler: So, Spock actually hugs his father?
Rachel: Hey, do you guys have... Hi!
Rachel: Where you going? -Ross: I just got back...from...from Julie's.
Rachel: Oh. -Ross: No, no. It's not what you think. It's the other thing.
Rachel: Well, what's the other thing? What do I think? -Ross: Well.... -Joey: He broke up with Julie!
Joey: Well, go hug her, for God's sakes!
Rachel: Really? -Ross: Really. It's always been you, Rach.
Rachel: Oh, God. Oh, this is good. This is really good. -Ross: I know. I know. It's almost....
Ross: What do you say we go take a walk? Just us. Not them.
Rachel: Okay, let me get my coat. -Ross: Okay. No, hey! Whoa. Whoa. I'll get your coat. -Rachel: Okay.
Rachel: He's going to get my coat. He's going to get my coat, Joey!
Rachel: Joey, I can't believe this! This is unbelievable!
Rachel: What's that? -Chandler: What? Nothing!
Rachel: I saw my name. What is it? -Chandler: No, no, see? See?
Chandler: Hey. It's printing! Hey, it's printing!
Rachel: What is it? Let me see!
Ross: Hey, someone order a coat?
Rachel: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on hie computer and he won't let me see.
Ross: He won't? He won't!
Ross: Because isn't that...the short story you were writing? -Chandler: Yes, it is a short story, that I was writing.
Rachel: And I'm in it? Let me read it. -All: No!
Rachel: Come on! -Joey: Hey, why don't you read it to her? -Chandler: All right.
Chandler:"It was summer. And it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look!' cried Ned. And the kingdom was his forever. The end!"
Ross: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world!
Rachel: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper, and I want to see it.
Chandler: No, you don't.
Rachel: All right, you know what? Fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it!
Rachel: What is this? -Chandler: That is....
Ross: Ross, what is this?
Chandler: Thank you. -Joey: Good luck.
Ross: Okay. Just remember how crazy I am about you, okay?
Rachel: "Kind of ditzy"? "Too into her looks"? "Spoiled"? -Ross: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot!
Rachel: "Just a waitress"? -Ross: Now that was.... I mean, as opposed to.... Okay, is this over yet? Rach?
Rachel: I do not have chubby ankles! -Ross: No! No, Rachel... Okay, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.
Rachel: Wha..."She's not Rachem"? What the hell's a Rachem?
Rachel: Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress?
Ross: Rach, come on! Rach. NO no... It's "She's not Rachel"! She's not.... Ra... Rachel?