Are you okay?
Oh, I'm in so much fucking pain!
I'm not gonna let you buy that lip kit full price, by the way.
That'd be, like...
...against civil rights.
Are you sure it's just cramps?
'Cause my mom knows someone who got an amoeba
from Panda Express.
It's like someone is sticking one of those
curved Japanese swords up my vagina.
Do you want the rest of the Oxy?
Here, open the door.
I-I-I can't. I can't move.
I can't -- I can't unlock the door.
Okay, I'll just slide it under.
Think if you snort it it works super fast.
This is fucking true love 'cause this floor's nasty.
Oh, God, gross!
Oh, I think I'm gonna throw up.
Are you okay?
Seriously, what is happening?
Shut up! The Chipotle woman is looking!
Can you Google "How to give birth"?
Just do it.
You're having a fucking baby?!
- Shut up! - You're not pregnant!
You don't even look that fat.
天 不行 我们得打911
Oh, God, no! We have to call 911.
- No! - We have to call 911.
My parents will fucking kill me!
- Fuck. - People give birth in cars.
No, you can't give birth in a bathroom.
It fucking happens. It's not a big fucking deal.
How could you not know? What about your period?
我以为我是在流血 天 娜奥米
I thought I was bleeding. Oh, God, Naomi!
Shut up! Someone is coming.
Uh, no, someone threw up all over the floor in there.
And diarrhea, too.
Tittyfuck cunt nugget. It's not loading.
- It's not loading! - Welcome to wellness 5G...
Oh, God, it's one of those YouTube videos
where you have to watch the whole fucking ad first.
You can't just skip.
Why can you skip some and not others?!
What the fucking fuck!
- Fuck! - Try WikiHow!
This being your third dress-coding offense
in the first month of school,
you need a guidance counselor to sign off on this.
No, please don't make me see Mr. Saltarelli.
That man crushes dreams.
He collects antique dental equipment.
Mr. Saltarelli is dead.
靠 抱歉 怎么死的
Oh, shit. I'm sorry. How?
How did Mr. Saltarelli die?
He lost sight of a drone he was flying
and accidentally flew it into his head.
He fell unconscious in his pool and drowned.
There was a guy judging the U.S. Open
who died when a player served the tennis ball into his groin.
It's true. His name was Dick.
That's also true.
You're the new guidance counselor?
You know, we're supposed to call teachers by their last names.
Call me Mr. Fanger if it feels more comfortable.
I've always been a bit on the fence about it.
What can I do for you?
You have to sign my slip,
after you make sure that I understand the consequences
of having things like multiple dress-code violations
on my high school record.
好的 切斯特 你明白后果吗
Okay, Chester, do you understand the consequences?
Three more, and I am suspended
and waterboarded and put to death or something.
Thing is I am a star water polo player
with a 4.1 GPA,
and my tolerance for giving a fuck is, like, minimal.
Where do you come down on cursing?
Why do you keep getting dress-coded?
Once for wearing a skirt.
Once for ripped jeans,
which the girls never get in trouble for,
but they said the rips were too close to my ass.
I mean, they didn't use the word "Ass."
I think Mr. Saltarelli said "Derriere,"
which I had to Google just to make sure
it was French for "Ass."
What do you think?
Is this too close to my ass?
What is it about for you?
Ooh. What is it about for me?
I like how you said that all cute and guidance counselor-y.
Is it a drag thing?
Are you into drag? Give to get.
Don't they teach you that in guidance counselor school?
More like how to deal with kids who try to find things out
about your personal life that are none of their business.
Oh. Okay, okay.
So, you know, you being a shady bitch
is only gonna make me like you more.
And if you want to therapize me, I am all over it.
Like, let's get all up close and personal.
You'll need to find someone to lend you something for today.
If I have to wear something from The Gap,
I am blowing my brains out.
That's not a suicidal cry for help,
just to be clear.
But it could be if The Gap is involved.
Where is that?
I spent the loneliest year of my life there.
I put it up to remind me that when I feel alone,
I'm never feeling that alone.
Is that, like, a prompt to connect to sad kids?
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