Imagine meeting yourself.
Who do you see?
- 不对 - 什么
- It's wrong. - What?
所有东西都不对 好吗 一切都不对
Look, everything. All right? Everything is wrong.
Well, I read that every reunion is different.
- 别说这是重聚 - 那你想让我叫它什么 汤姆
- Don't call it that. - What do you want me to call it, Tom?
I don't know, but it's not a reunion.
I shouldn't have called.
All right? I should have never called.
I wouldn't be here if you hadn't called.
That's what I'm saying.
My nose isn't...
I have a...
And your neck!
- 长得跟猪食槽似的 - 我们长得一样 汤姆
- It's all, like, fuckin' necky. - We're identical, Tom.
You think this is easy for me, to meet you for the first time?
Well, fuckin' A, it must be easy for you.
If you think you look like me,
it must be like winning a fuckin' jackpot!
Oh, you're an asshole.
- 你不准那样叫我 - 我刚才就叫了 混♥蛋♥
- You can't call me that. - I just did, asshole.
你... 你不能那样 好吧
You... You can't do that. All right?
我们有... 有... 用户协议
There's... There's... There's a user agreement.
It's not supposed to be like this.
Well, what'd you expect, we'd blow each other?
I saw one of these reunions on the "Today Show." Okay?
A doctor told me about it, said I should see it.
So I YouTube'd the damn thing and... there she was.
National treasure, Hoda Kotb.
She had this old woman on. Ovarian cancer. Her.
They brought out the old woman's twin.
God, they were identical.
I mean... there were tears,
and they were holding hands.
And no one could believe it, I mean...
her family was there and they were just...
And it was all like...
That's why we're even here.
That's why I looked up the website.
That's why I called the customer care rep,
paid the 30 grand and agreed to wait six to eight weeks.
It's just all fuckin' wrong.
Well, like I said, every reunion is different.
I said don't call it that.
What would you like for me to call it, Tom?
I don't know.
A meeting, a-a-a business meeting.
Well, most of these are done at home.
Well, I would never let you near my family.
Look, I'm sorry Hoda Kotb isn't here.
It's not about Hoda Kotb.
This was never gonna be like the "Today Show," Tom.
And it's because the company chose that old woman,
because she was sweet and kind,
and she was a good crier,
and she was from Akron, Ohio, and she wasn't an asshole.
You are an asshole, Tom.
And this is your nose, and these are your eyes,
and your neck is pretty fuckin' necky.
I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you that, but it's true.
I didn't pay 30 grand to be criticized like this.
I'm calling customer care.
You know what that could do to me?
Yes, I do.
Yes, returning customer.
对 贝内特 你好
Yeah, hi, Bennett, how are you?
My name is Tom Wykgowski.
Account number? I don't have it.
Oh, I can just ask...
Tom, are you still there?
Yeah, I'm still here.
对 好 对 贝内特
Yes. Okay. Yes, hi, Bennett.
对 他今天过来了 对 但我付三万块换来的是...
Yes, he came today. Right. But I paid 30 grand for this...
He looks nothing like me.
All right, fine.
You know what? Looks aside...
He acts nothing like me, Bennett.
他... 他卑鄙 他会挖苦人
He's... He's petty, he's sarcastic,
and he's a fuckin' asshole.
不 贝内特 我不是个混♥蛋♥
No, Bennett, I'm not an asshole.
You can look up my account all you want...
Well, what's an asshole quotient?
And how the hell am I a seven?
妈的... 听着 我要退款
Mother... Look, I want my fuckin' money back!
I want a full refund. That's right.
I'll drop him off at the nearest packaging center...
This is supposed to be more like Hoda Kotb!
How'd that go, Tom?
Look, the guy from your company said
my asshole quotient is seven.
You called your daughter's friend a dipshit
two days ago over text to your wife.
- 贝莉就是个笨蛋 - 她才四岁 汤姆
- Well, Bailey is a dipshit. - She's four, Tom.
What other quotients are there?
Anger is a six.
Sarcasm is an eight.
Fear is a nine.
Who did you even talk to about this?
You talked to my mom?
And I had a lovely time.
What did she say?
Well, she told me all about you.
- 她说了什么 - 那些谈话是保密的
- What did she say? - That's confidential.
She said you picked your nose a lot as a kid.
She said you hated her tuna casserole.
She said she once walked in on you masturbating
to an episode of the "Powerpuff Girls."
That never happened.
She said she's angry with you.
She doesn't know why you haven't called her
in five months.
Does she hate me?
- 她为什么恨你 - 我不知道
- Why would she hate you? - I don't know.
- 你的妈妈为什么要恨你 - 因为我要离开她了
- Why would your mother hate you? - 'Cause I'm leaving.
But you're not leaving.
I am, though.
Tom, you're not leaving.
Four to five months.