我只是想照顾你 亲爱的
I'm just trying to look after you, love.
咱俩很相似 我们都是幸存者
You and I are similar; we're both survivors.
但是我们的生存花费了巨大的代价
But our survival comes at a terrible cost.
这个建议来自于一个只会将痛苦和不幸
Look, you can take it from a man who's caused nothing
带给他所爱之人的人
but misery to everyone he's ever loved.
相信我 趁还来得及 和艾娃一刀两断
Trust me, end it with Ava before it's too late.
你想过你总是带来不幸
You ever think that you cause misery
不是因为什么"我天煞孤星命"的鬼话
not because of some romantic "I was born to walk alone" crap,
而是因为你就是个混♥蛋♥
but because you're an ass
不知道该怎么去相信别人吗
who doesn't know how to trust people?
你知道吗 我相信
You know, I trust
我周围的人会受到伤害 丢了性命
that people around me get hurt, killed,
或者比这更惨
or far, far worse--
你觉得我不害怕吗
You think that I'm not scared?
我不知道悲伤妈
That I don't know grief?
我不愿背弃生命
I'm not willing to turn my back on life,
因为这就是你的所作所为 约翰
because that is exactly what you're doing, John.
我们的家人朋友 他们不会让我们变得脆弱
Our friends and family, they don't make us weaker;
他们让我们变得强壮
they make us stronger.
你知道你需要什么吗
You know what you need?
你需要队伍
You need to be a part of a team.
瞧你说的
You were saying?
这是所罗门王原版的魔法书
This is King Solomon's original grimoire--
有史以来最古老的魔法书
The oldest magical textbook in existence.
如果真有能镇♥压♥我们马友的咒语
Now, if there's a spell to quell our equine friend,
就在这里面
it'll be in here.
不是想给你压力 但是这场
Well, not to pressure you, but the entire fate of
性♥爱♥革命的存亡正悬于一线
the sexual revolution is in the balance here.
那是我最喜欢的革命
It is my favorite revolution.
-约翰 欢迎加入 -雷 大块头
- John! Welcome aboard. - Hey, Ray big-man!
真高兴见到你们从富饶之地回来了
Glad to see you're all back from the land of milk and honey.
我还是有些搞不清楚我们怎么会
I'm still a little fuzzy on how exactly we were--
被一匹马下了迷♥药♥
Roofied by a horse.
那匹野兽会喷出强大的致幻剂
That beast sprays a powerful mind-altering hallucinogen
以此来捕捉猎物
to disarm its prey.
"怎么将魔法生物从凡界驱逐"
"How to expel a magical creature from the mortal realm."
这个咒语的原料可不容易搞到
Now the ingredients for this spell aren't so easy to come by.
我想你们不会凑巧有
Don't suppose any of you lot have the saliva
九根手指之人的唾液吧
from a nine-fingered man, now do you?
你可以砍掉我的一根小指
You could chop off one of my pinkies.
不用 雷 别把自己当成爱心树
No, Ray. Don't be the Giving Tree.
所有死之华粉丝都知道
Now, as every Deadhead knows,
杰瑞·加西亚砍树时
Jerry Garcia was missing most of his middle finger
把他大部分中指都砍掉了
on his right hand from a wood chopping accident.
酷 那我们该怎么搞到他的唾液
Cool, so how do we get his saliva?
杰瑞 好兄弟
Jerry, my man!
我能来一口吗
Can I get a hit of that?
这根大♥麻♥烟能让你爽得飞起来
This doobie will make you fly.
酷 酷
Cool, cool.
转身过人
Spin-move!
一点也不酷
Not cool.
我们需要强大萨满祭司的护身石
We need the Protection Stone of a powerful shaman.
看路
Watch it...
兄弟
Brother.
劫数将至女人的锁链
And the lock of a doomed woman.
詹尼斯·乔普林1970年死于海♥洛♥因♥注射过量
詹尼斯 很荣幸见到你
Janis, this is-- this is quite the honor.
小机器人
Little robot man.
我妈妈是你的大粉丝
My mom is a huge fan.
你妈妈
Your mom?
最后的原料
And for our final ingredient...
一个处子
Quis virginem.
什么
What?
一个处子
A virgin.
在伍德斯托克找个处子
A virgin, at Woodstock?
祝你好运
Good luck with that;
历史上就这里最不禁欲
this is the least celibate place in history.
你认真的
Are you serious?
对 很显然 处子就是独角兽的猫薄荷
Yeah, apparently virgins are like catnip to unicorns
我们需要一名志愿者
and we need one to volunteer.
罗里 你在的地方有看到处子吗
Rory, do you see any virgins where you're at?
-没有 -仔细一想
- No. - Oh, come to think of it...
我的确认识一位处子
I do know one virgin.
不可能
No, not a chance.
-我感觉不太对劲 -别担心
- This feels wrong. - Well don't worry,
我们就在旁边看着 你会没事的
we'll be watching from a short distance, and you'll be...fine.
我该拿这个石榴怎么办
What am I supposed to do with the pomegranate?
独角兽很喜欢吃石榴 伙计
Oh, the unicorns, they can't get enough of them, mate.
是啊 还有人的心脏
Yeah that, and human hearts.
所以石榴就是诱饵
So, the pomegranate is the bait?
对 我们不会让我们的小队的临时成员
Yeah, we wouldn't put an interim member
陷入危险境地的 是吧伙计们
of our team in jeopardy, right guys?
我是个临时传奇
I'm an interim Legend?
那好吧
Well, then.
再一个问题 你确定我是个处子吗
Uh, one more question, are you sure that I'm a virgin
因为我们之前做的那个...
because that thing we did--
绝对是 伙计
Positive, mate.
独角兽先生
Mr. Unicorn!
快来吃这个又好又多汁的红石榴呀
Come get this nice, juicy, red pomegranate.
承认吧 团队合作还是很有趣的
Admit it, this is fun working with a team.
如果盖瑞被生吃的话
Well if ol' Gary gets eaten alive,
就只证明了我的观点
it only goes to prove my point:
关心我们的人会死
People who care about us die.
-你说什么 -没什么
- What was that? - Oh, nothing mate.
你是最棒的 继续吧
You're golden, carry on, yeah?
把它抬高 高点 再高点
Oh, hold it up--up a bit. More!
这就对了
That's the money.
快来吧 漂亮的小马驹
Come on, pretty pony.
来 快来
Come on, come on.
享受你的零食
Enjoy your snack.
不好 它要的不是石榴汁吧 伙计们
Oh no, that's not pomegranate juice, is it? Guys?
约翰 不管你要怎么做 现在快动手
John, whatever you're gonna do, do it now!
好吧 开始了
All right, here goes.
我还是处子 不想就这样死掉
I don't wanna die a virgin!
不是吧 你这节骨眼开始冥想了
Seriously, you're meditating right now?
约翰 快点
John, hurry!
快啊 约翰
Come on, John.
救命 救命
Help! Help!
盖瑞 你还好吗
Gary, are you okay?
-只是抓伤 -独角兽去哪里了
- Just a scratch. - Where'd the unicorn go ahead?
我把那混♥蛋♥送到地狱去了 不是吗
Sent that bastard straight to hell, didn't I?
朋友们 刚才那可是个顶级的魔法
Yup, folks, that is some Grade A magic right there.
也许局里会提升我们的评级
Maybe the Bureau will up our ratings.
人们挺喜欢凶鬼恶灵的
People do love the supernatural.
盖瑞 你流了好多血
Gary, you're like really bleeding.
独角兽把我的乳♥头♥咬下来了
The unicorn bit my nipple off!
也许吉迪恩能给你做个新的
Hey, maybe Gideon can make you a new one.
别管了 兄弟 这可是荣誉的证明
Forget it, mate. Come on, it's a badge of honor.
你看 我的灵魂注定要下地狱
You see, my soul is heading straight to hell,
但你的乳♥头♥... 先去了 仅此而已
but your nipple-- it just got there first, that's all.
我们就像是有同一片黑色羽毛的两只鸟
It's like we're two birds of the same, dark feather.
对 对 我就是这个意思 兄弟
Yeah, yeah, that's right, mate.
走 我们去喝一杯 好吗
Come on, let's grab a beer. All right?
至于你的处子问题
Now about this whole virgin situation.
内特尼尔...
Nathaniel...
我以为你已经离开这里了
I assumed you would have left town by now.
我决定再多待几天
Yeah, I decided to stay a couple extra days.
我来猜猜 你靠欺骗进了一所网络大学
Let me guess, you got fired from whatever online college
然后被开除了
you conned into hiring you.
损得好 汉克 但是...
Sweet burn, Hank, but um...
我只是...