I've heard stories of girls
who grow up happy and well adjusted...
...with a healthy relationship to food and their bodies.
Screw those bitches!
I went on my first diet at just eight years old.
For as long as I can remember, I've been hungry.
I spent my entire adolescence hating my body,
the target of bullying and cruel jokes.
So, while my classmates were out losing their virginity,
I was at home, stuffing another hole,
binging my brains out
and watching every Drew Barrymore movie ever made.
With Nonnie, my only friend.
But if you're thinking of feeling bad for me, don't.
I know now.
All of those years I spent feeling miserable,
they made me who I am.
So I would be ready when I met Bob Armstrong.
-你好 鲍勃 -他是我的命中男神
- Hi, Bob. - He was my destiny.
I never much believed in destiny.
I was the master of my own fate.
I had a booming law practice,
a wardrobe to rival Andy Cohen's,
a picture-perfect family.
布雷克 鲍勃 科拉莉 凯特
But my greatest joy
was the time I spent moonlighting as a pageant coach.
Who would have thought
playing Henry Higgins in a church production of My Fair Lady
would have shown me my true calling?
Helping young ladies become their very best selves.
But that wasn't enough.
I had an insatiable need to win
and Dixie Sinclair could go all the way.
There was just one problem,
So, we've been thinking about what you said.
About my interview.
没错 中立话题 不谈政♥治♥
Yes, neutral topics, no politics.
Neutral won't win.
We came up with a great argument
about keeping trannies out of the ladies room.
You can't stay "Trannies."
You can't stay "Trannies."
- It's homophobic. - We're not!
We wanna keep the homophobes out of our country.
Oh, my God.
I was tired of making food my higher power,
I wanted to be in control.
I went on a cleanse, started counting my steps.
Take a lap, you're late.
Smells like bacon.
Just ignore 'em.
Are you okay? When was the last time you ate?
I was used to feeling bad about myself.
High school was a nightmare.
But Brick Armstrong...
was like a dream come true.
There was only one person
who was a bigger nightmare than Dixie's mom, Regina.
Hey! I wanted to wish y'all luck.
Bob Bag-o-Boners Barnard.
He was the DA, my nemesis in work,
and he was my nemesis in life.
With his perfect hair and
his perfect smile and his perfect beard.
Good luck to you and Magnolia, too.
His daughter, Magnolia, had won every pageant in Georgia.
I was dying to dethrone her.
No family should live in fear of their child getting sick
because they can't afford health care.
Dixie and Magnolia were tied. It all came down to the interview.
What are your thoughts about ISIS?
A political question.
I prayed that Dixie would follow my guidance.
Ices? Like Italian ices?
I love 'em. Orange is my favorite.
But fate had other plans.
I feel like a stalker.
The fact that Brick comes here
for beer every night and we happen to be here
is pure coincidence.
天啊 他来了 拜托
Oh, my God, he's here. Come on.
Brick. Brick Armstrong?
You're the one from my gym class. You feeling better?
Patty wants to ask you for coffee,
to say thanks for earlier.
You know, like a date.
天哪 就因为我之前对你好 你就以为...
God, you thought that just 'cause I was nice to you, that...
I gotta go.
I was crushed, but I had to keep a brave face.
This is your fault!
For trying to dim her light.
I want my money back, or else.
否则怎样 结束了 瑞吉娜
Or else what? It's over, Regina.
I demand a rematch!
Dixie was disturbed, because of him.
He touched her hoo-hoo!
What? No, no!
And that was it.
I was an accused molester saying the victim made it up,
which was almost as bad as if I'd actually done it.
It was the single worst moment of my life.
I thought it was the worst moment of my life.
But looking back, it was one of the best.
'Cause it brought me to the man who put me on the path
to becoming the most famous beauty queen in the country.
Hey, you got five bucks?
How about that candy bar?
It's not like you need it, fatty.
What can I say? This story is full of some crazy--
Regina never formally pressed charges,
because she made the whole thing up,
but she still ruined my reputation.
Three months later, I still
couldn't get a single coaching gig, or legal case.
- Don't look him in the eye. - I felt empty
and the last thing I needed was a pep talk from my dad.
You had so much potential, Bob.
Graduated top of the class.
Best damn litigator in all of Georgia.
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