玛雅 快出来 她来了
Oh, for fuck's sake.
靠 靠 靠
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
靠 靠 靠
Fuck! Fuck, fuck!
- Sir! - Mr. Duffy!
I finally got my letter from Penguin Publishing.
- Yes, Bernard. - Did they accept your novel?
My fingers still hurt from
all the submissions you made us mail out.
Yeah, um, I don't know. I'm--
I'm too nervous to open it,
so would you, please, Bernard?
You can go--you can go faster.
"Thank you for giving us the opportunity
to consider the enclosed material."
Okay, so far so good.
"Although it shows great promise...
We regret that we are unable to publish it at this time."
It's okay, Mr. Duffy.
Sorry, Mr. Duffy.
It said "Great promise."
That's what they say when something's bad, Bernard.
That's what you said in my report on The Aeneid.
I'm sorry, Augie.
It's your housewarming present, Craig.
I love it, there's just-just so much of my butt.
- And my butt cheeks. - You hate it.
No, no, no! I love it!
It's just a little risqué, you know?
If my grandma comes or one of my friends.
Ah, well, of course your friends would hate it.
- They hate everything I do. - What are you talking about?
- My friends love you. - No, they don't.
They think I'm trashy and that my boobs are fake--
which they are, but your friends don't know that.
Who cares what anyone else thinks, okay?
You're my girl...
and I want you to move in with me.
- Wait, are you serious? - Yeah.
Look, I've dated a lot of women.
Six different girls asked me to prom,
one of them my Spanish teacher.
This is gonna circle back to something romantic about me, right?
I love you.
And I've never said that to anybody.
Well, my mom, and one time to LeBron James
when I saw him at the grocery store.
Craig, I love you, too.
Who took this photo?
Fuck, I can't believe I'm 30.
Well, that's not old.
At 30, Meghan Markle was still in her first marriage.
Now, are you sure this has to be a costume party?
Yes, everybody has to dress up
as their favorite rom-com character.
It's just, the English don't really do theme parties.
Unless the theme is "Simmering class conflict,"
in which case that's every party.
Oh, I gotta take this. Hey, bitch.
You ready for the best weekend of your life?
Oh, my God, yes.
I'm on the red-eye tonight.
I can't get out of New York fast enough.
Yeah, I have aquarium gravel in my bra.
I think I'll just leave it at that.
Let me guess: does it have something to do
with your married boyfriend?
Hey, you know, you're very judgmental
for a woman who dated the guy who organized the Fyre Festival.
He said he knew Ja Rule!
总之 我等不及要让你见我的新男人了 玛雅
Anyway, I can't wait for you to meet my new guy, Maya.
He is a good one. He's smart, he's funny.
- He's not gay, for once. - Ooh, I bet I'll love him.
Hey, I hope your morning gets better.
Well, it couldn't get any worse.
玛雅 你迟到了 泰德找你
Maya, you're late. Ted's looking for you.
I gotta go.
That was abrupt.
-你衣服湿了吗 -没 干的 平时就这样
- Is your shirt wet? - No, it's dry. It's normal.
So how did Ted do at the Bodo Latino breakfast?
Great. They loved his speech.
Well, I guess it was your speech.
Did he try to sing Despacito?
Yes, but I cut off his mic before he got to the rap part.
-好样的 -玛雅 你迟到了
- That's my girl. - Maya, you're late.
So if it's not too much of an inconvenience
I need to see you in my office.
You're 45 minutes late.
I'm so sorry.
I know I should have woken you up but you were snoring so cute.
No, no, this morning was not cool.
那些短♥信♥ "出来 她要来了"
All those texts? "Get out, she's coming."
I felt like I was in a horror movie.
And the black people always get murdered first.
I know, I know, and I'm sorry.
Liz never goes to our apartment in the city
but there's a crow trapped in our chimney in Scarsdale.
Okay, huge day ahead.
I tried to sing Despacito earlier, which did not go well.
-泰德 我们得谈谈 -说吧
- Ted, we need to talk. - Okay, shoot.
I'm not doing this anymore.
Your poor wife.
Hey, come on. We've been through this.
My marriage is over.
I've been sleeping in the basement on the pool table for a year.
Yeah, okay, but I still get Christmas cards
of you and your family in matching sweaters.
Yeah, those are bad.
I love you, but I'm done.
Wait, wait, come on. Hey.
I'm done, too.
That's why I'm gonna tell her tonight.
No, you're not.
We're already enough of a cliché
without you pretending you're going to leave your wife.
No, no. Listen, listen.
I--I didn't want to say anything yet,
but I've already hired a lawyer.
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