开玩笑第二季第四集

Kidding S02E04

Part2

2020年6月1日 15:53

我们的网站
Ours.
- 你卖♥♥了多少娃娃 - 不能告诉你
- How many dolls have you sold? - I can't tell you that.
但是你心理清楚答案
But you know the answer.
要求如下我们要在哥伦布拍摄节目
Here are the rules. We shoot in Columbus.
没有人可以限制杰夫的言论自♥由♥
Nobody tells Jeff there are things he can't say.
我没发觉咱们在这谈判呢
I didn't realize we were negotiating.
节目创新性由我们全权主导
We keep total creative control.
- 我考虑下 - 我没说完
- Let me think about it. - I'm not done.
还有全美国每个孩子都能够
And every child in America needs to be able
免费收看节目
to watch the show for free.
你打算什么时候去纽约
When are you leaving for New York?
你不想知道吗
Wouldn't you like to know?
所以午饭是吧我超爱午饭
So lunch, huh? I love lunch.
你想出去吃还是家里吃
You wanna go out or stay in?
我只吃谷物类食物
I only have cereal.
没事儿
Yeah, that's fine.
我身体的一部分在你体内的感觉如何
What's it like having me inside you?
没差
The same,
只不过当我发现自己在做一些
except for the odd moment I catch myself
从前没做过的事情的时候还是会感到有点奇怪
doing something I've never done before,
比如重新学习走路
like learning to walk again.
我开玩笑呢
That was me joking.
差不多吧
Sort of.
所以你没有在学习如何重新走路咯
So you didn't have to learn how to walk again?
我有
No, I did.
你还记得你偷了我的火箭船的事吗
Do you remember stealing my rocket ship?
还有无聊的悲伤者骂我混♥蛋♥
Ennui calling me a cocksucker?
不记得
I don't think so.
有那么一刻我以为咱俩灵魂合一了
There was a second when I thought our souls were fusing.
不当你开车撞我的时候我的灵魂就被你碾死了
No, my soul was crushed when you ran over it with your car.
对不起
Sorry.
我早该知道那些大♥麻♥对你来说难以接受
I should've known weed was a big deal for you
毕竟你在90年代做了很多禁毒公共服务的宣传
after all those anti-drug PSAs that you did in the '90s,
更不用说你对威尔吸烟的事情有多生气了
not to mention how upset you were over Will smoking up.
我
I...
我不该给你那卷大♥麻♥的
I shouldn't have offered you that joint.
真是很感谢你能这么说
Thanks for saying that.
你能帮我搞点大♥麻♥吗
Can you help me find some weed?
嗨
Hi.
我是个医生
I'm a doctor,
我的一个病人
and a patient of mine...
也是个很出名的公众人物
who's a well-known public figure...
就等在外面
is waiting outside.
出于对他名誉的考虑
It's important for his reputation
最好不要有人看到他
that no one sees him...
买♥♥大♥麻♥ 所以我们不如
buy marijuana, so could we, like,
面对面谈谈吧
possibly clear the establishment?
抱歉医生州法律
Sorry, Doctor. State law
规定了这类病人必须要在场
provides these patients with the right to be here.
不然我们会被吊销执照的
We could lose our license.
好吧
Well,
大家都不想犯法嘛
don't wanna break the law.
那个病人是谁
Who is it?
我会为此后悔吗
Am I gonna regret this?
如果能让你好受点的话我在服用大♥麻♥的时候
If it makes a difference, I've watched Puppet Time
刷了很多遍《木偶时光》
plenty of times while medicated.
我也是
Me too.
好吧
All right.
我总是通过看节目更加了解自己
I always learn something new about myself
也更加了解腌黄瓜桶瀑布
and about Pickle Barrel Falls.
- 比如说呢 - 比如为什么节目上的
- Like what? - Like how none of the puppets
所有木偶都没当妈这很奇怪
on the show are mothers, which is weird.
但之后就意识到水就是老妈啊
But then you realize the water is your mom
因为它到处都是
because it's everywhere
也能把你带到随便哪个想去的地方
and it takes you anywhere that you wanna go.
不过它也不会说话
But it also can't speak,
所以就有点像是解释为什么为人父母最难的地方
so it's kinda like how the hardest part of parenting
就是让你的孩子沿着生命的长河前行
is sending your kid down the river of life
而父母只是一路陪伴着
and being both on the journey,
却不能成为掌舵人
but unable to steer the ship.
还有大眼苍蝇就是死神本尊
Also, Sy the Wide-Eyed Fly is death.
还有跳房♥子游戏大脚野人可能有麻风病
And Hopscotch the Sasquatch might have leprosy
因为他只用一只脚跳
'cause he's just down to the one leg,
但我懂个啥
but, you know, what do I know?
我只是有点嗨还是个医生
I'm just high and a doctor.
我绝对不会抽任何东西的
I definitely don't wanna smoke anything.
你也用不着抽什么
You don't have to smoke anything.
你康复得怎么样
How's your recovery?
我啊肝失去了大半
Well, I've, uh, lost most of my liver.
我只能强行完全戒烟戒酒很痛苦
I had to quit smoking cold turkey, stop drinking.
我有急性勃起功能障碍
I have acute erectile dysfunction
还丢了工作
and I lost my job,
不过除了这五件事呢
but other than those five examples,
我还不错吧
I'm really good.
那你跟吉尔回归从前了吗
And you and Jill are... the same?
我们现在强大多了
We're a lot stronger now...
我戒了酒戒了烟
That I quit drinking, stopped smoking,
自打我丢了工作在家就待得更久了
spent more time at home since I've lost my job.
她又慢慢教我上楼梯
Her teaching me to walk upstairs again
也让我们关系近了很多
was a real relationship booster.
这事你知我知还有无聊的悲伤着也知不许外传
Well, between you, me, and Ennui Le Stoned,
我也有那么一点点勃起障碍
I too am having a little issue with ED.
大手术之后确实蛮常见的
Not uncommon after major surgery.
很显然对你来说不一样
Obviously, it's different for you.
毕竟你的车还有个车♥库♥可以停
Your car has a garage to pull into.
我的车晚上只能停在路边
I'm parked on the street at night
风吹雨打的
and in the shower.
给你
Here.
这是烟叶状的所以你不用抽的
It's a tea so you don't have to smoke it.
放一点到水里能让你想起你老妈的
And you dip it in water, so it'll remind you of your mom.
要跟我一起尝尝这个毒品吗
Will you sip drugs with me?
第一次我可不想一个人
I don't wanna be alone my first time.
嗯我会跟你一起吸毒的
Yeah, I'll sip drugs with you.
这东西让我想起我破处的那晚
This reminds me of the night I lost my virginity.
她是个瘾君子吗
Was she a pot-sipper?
不是但我们在她奶奶家抽过大♥麻♥
No, but we did it in her grandmother's house
而且她也有同一套茶具
and she had the same tea set.
抽完大♥麻♥之后来一块奶奶零食罐里的促消化饼干
Nothing like a post-coital digestive biscuit
简直赛过活神仙
from Nana's treat jar.
我的第一次给了一个比我大的女人
I lost my virginity to an older woman.
真的吗
Really?
我还以为吉尔是你唯一的对象呢
I guess that I assumed Jill was your one and only.
她是第二位但是是最特别的
She was my second and most special.
那你的第一位是谁啊
Who was your first?
我觉得我不该说的她是个演员
I don't think I should say. She was an actress.
我认识她吗
Oh. Would I know her?
她演了一部电影
She starred in a movie
是关于音乐之声的
about the sound of music.
你第一次是给了朱莉·安德鲁斯吗
Did you lose your virginity to Julie Andrews?
玛丽·波平斯啊
Mary Poppins?
我妹妹叫她小樱桃·波平斯
My sister calls her Cherry Poppins.
你当时多大啊
How old were you?
差不多16岁半吧
I was 16 going on 17.
你在逗我吧
You're kidding.
没有
Yes.
我28岁的时候她已经59了但还是很活泼
I was 28. She was 59, but vivacious.
1995年的百老汇季你熟悉吗
You're familiar with the 1995 Broadway season?
不熟悉
I'm not. No.
在她表演雌雄莫辩的时候我就待在后台
I got to go backstage during her run of Victor/Victoria.
这么说吧在我跟她托尼奖提名之中
Let's just say between me and her Tony nomination,