开玩笑第二季第一集

Kidding S02E01.

Part2

2020年6月1日 15:53

你很棒
You're doin' great...
准妈妈
Mom.
给老娘快点开
Please drive faster!
好的
Okay!
如果天文学家来了
Oh... if Astronotter were here,
他会告诉你
he'd tell you you need to take
深呼吸放松下来
a calming-down breath.
不他会说哔哔哔哔哔
No, he'd say, "Me-me-meep, me-me-meep."
快帮帮我们
Help us, please!
我们需要帮助
We need help!
脉搏虚弱内出血他磕了安比恩还有大♥麻♥
Weak pulse, internal bleeding. He was on Ambien and pot.
- 走进了车流 - 收到创伤科室一
- He walked into traffic. - Copy. Trauma one.
成人急诊需要心肺复苏团队出诊
Code blue!
你♥爸♥爸的意思是
So what your dad is trying to say is...
当两位异性恋恋人
When two heterosexual people
在恋情中到达一定的阶段
reach a point in their relationship...
圣诞愿望清单上的东西你们全都买♥♥给我了吗
Did you get me everything on my Christmas list?
- 基本上吧 - 差不多吧
- Pretty much. - Almost, yeah.
- 太棒了 - 他们俩的关系就会遇到一个转折点
- Cool. - A point in their relationship
那个时候很多事情都走不下去了
when, uh, things are no longer feasible...
啥叫走不下去了
What's "feasible"?
一个日语单词意思是刺♥激♥
It's a Japanese word for "exciting."
嘿腌黄瓜先生怎么啦
Hey, whatever happened to Mr. Pickles-san?
他回家了
He went home.
他可能在关塔那摩湾
He's probably in Guantanamo Bay.
那是什么
What's that?
那是你妈给咱卧室起的代号♥
It's what your mom calls our bedroom.
挺好
Nice.
当一段婚姻走不下去的时候
When a marriage is no longer feasible,
双方便会达成一个共识
a mutual decision is made...
如果要开诚布公就按照60/40原则来
Well, 60-40, if we're gonna be honest.
“60/40原则”:指孩子和父母双方搭建亲密关系共同相处的时间安排
60%时间内孩子与一方家长共处 40%与另一方家长共处
嗨
Hi.
我觉得我杀了彼得
I think I killed Peter.
我得走了
I gotta go.
我们要离婚了
We're getting a divorce.
我能拆另一个礼物了吗
Can I open another present?
给开这个
Here, open this one.
咱们能上厨房♥谈谈吗
Can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?
别在屋里乱挥哈
Don't throw it in the house.
我爱你斧头先生
I love you, ax.
然后你就打算杀了他
So then you tried to kill him?
我没打算杀了他
I didn't try to kill him.
我只是想开车撞他
I tried to hit him with my car.
有人看到你了吗
Did anybody see you?
我都干了些啥
What did I do?
你因为你孩子的事情心烦意乱各种嗑药
You got between your kid and drugs any way you could.
等吉尔回来了我就把这一切都告诉她
When Jill comes back, I'm gonna tell her everything.
- 为什么要告诉她 - 我觉得告诉她
- Why would you do that? - I think I'll feel better
- 我自己好受一些 - 不不
- if she knew. - No, no.
你得骗她
You need to lie right now.
不论什么情况
Under no circumstances
不论是对她还是任何人都得
should you tell her what you did.
绝口不提此事
Or anyone.
抱歉我不知道怎么撒谎
I'm sorry. I don't know how to lie.
把它当作一个秘密
Think of it as a secret.
你很擅长保密
You're good at keeping secrets.
再说了如果彼得死了
Besides, if Peter dies,
你忏悔也没用呀
there's no point in confessing.
再者说她又能恢复单身了这不挺好嘛
Plus... she'll be single again, so that's good.
如果我不能对她坦诚相待我成什么人了
If I can't be honest with her, who am I?
我还得告诉她买♥♥♥房♥♥子的事儿
I'm gonna tell her about buying the house too.
如果你告诉她你的所作所为你就会失去她
If you tell her what you did, you will lose her.
你会失去威尔失去一切
You'll lose Will. You'll lose everything.
之后你便会一无所有
There is nothing after that.
感谢你肯听我诉说
Thank you for listening to me.
我得去找吉尔了
I'm gonna go find Jill.
操
Fuuuuuuck.
你看到他把
Did you see the way
尸体放到后备箱的动作了没
he lowered that body into the trunk
感觉他相当老练啊
like he'd been doing it his whole life?
感觉他就像女同战争里头的狙击手一样
Like he was a sniper during the Lesbianic Wars.
我恨他
I hate him!
你们觉得他在那个房♥子里
How long do you think
为了潜近他的目标猎物
that he's been living in that house,
住了多久了
stalking his prey?
你俩亲密到什么程度了
How close were you?
同床共枕了
We were on the bed.
- 舌吻过没有 - 我跟她说了我爱她
- Was there tongue? - I told her I loved her.
我摸了她的胸
I touched her boob.
之后我爸就杀了那人
And then my dad killed a guy!
挡屌♥啊
Cockblock.
等等你为啥跟她说你爱她
Wait, why'd you tell her you loved her?
难道不该吗
Are you not supposed to?
有点极端了吧
Seems extreme.
随便吧等我告诉我妈他的破烂玩意儿就在隔壁橱柜里
Whatever. My mom is going to punch him in the dick
我妈绝对会锤爆他的屌♥
when I tell her that his shit was in the closet next door!
他就是个不折不扣的杀手
He's a straight-up killer.
我打赌他会把他们的尸体腌制起来
I bet he pickles their bodies,
然后放盘子里跟超大三明治配着吃
then serves them on a plate next to giant sandwiches.
谁会吃腌制人肉啊
Who would eat a pickled person?
马啊兄弟
Horses, man.
马
Horses.
该死的草原大鲨鱼啊懂不
Fuckin' sharks of the prairie, yo.
我不懂
I don't understand.
他妈的什么叫延迟
What is the fucking delay?
抱歉待命麻醉医生到达之前
I'm sorry, we can't get him into surgery
我们不能给他做手术
until the anesthesiologist on call arrives.
我们呼叫了他但是他没回应
We paged him, but he's not responding.
彼得就是待命的麻醉医生啊
Peter is the anesthesiologist on call.
我马上去找外科医生
I'll find the surgeon.
我得告诉你一些事情
I need to tell you a few things.
我得通知他的家人
I have to call his family.
我还从来没跟他的家人见过面呢
I've never met his family!
你知道彼得出自摩♥门♥教♥徒的家庭吗
Do you know that Peter is a lapsed Mormon?
他有大概12个兄弟姐妹吧
He has, like, a dozen siblings,
而且他们都在同一家航♥空♥公♥司♥
and they're all flight attendants
做空乘人员
who work for the same airline.
他不跟他的父母交流
He doesn't speak to his parents!
现在我还得在耶稣的生日这天联♥系♥他的摩♥门♥教♥徒老妈
Now I have to call his Mormon mother on Jesus' birthday!
与此同时我既要向她介绍自己
In the same sentence, I have to introduce myself
还要告诉她一个最坏的消息
and give her the worst news of her life!
我可以联♥系♥他的父母
I can call his parents.
我很抱歉你得遭受着一切
I'm sorry this happened to you.
我很抱歉他走进了车流
I'm sorry he wandered into traffic
还毁了你的圣诞节
and ruined your Christmas.
圣诞节还没结束呢
Christmas isn't over yet.
你想告诉我什么
What did you wanna tell me?
晚点说吧
I'll tell you later.
抱歉我喝大了
Sorry. I'm drunk.
杰夫吉尔
Jeff, Jill.
我是赫尔南德斯医生
Hi, I'm Dr. Hernandez.
抱歉我没穿制♥服♥
Uh, sorry I'm not in uniform.
今晚本来不是我值班的
I wasn't supposed to be working tonight.
彼得现在情况紧急
Peter is in critical condition
但目前还很稳定
but stable at this moment.
他还能自主呼吸
He's breathing on his own.
虽然说他失血过多
He did lose a lot of blood, though.
我是万能血有需要直说
I'm a universal donor. Just say the word.
多谢但是咱们还没到那一步
Thank you, but we're not there yet.