开玩笑第二季第六集

Kidding S02E06

Part1

2020年6月1日 15:53

前情提要
Previously on Kidding...
你相信时光倒流吗
Do you believe you could turn back time?
太荒唐了
That's absurd.
我觉得咱们该做♥爱♥
I think we should fuck.
我为更高级的道德权威机构效忠
I serve a higher moral authority:
日本儿童
the children of Japan.
停下停下
Stop! Stop! Stop!
太棒了
Yes! Yes!
斯科特有权得到一半
Scott is entitled to half.
什么是离婚
What is divorce?
离婚就是指丈夫和妻子
Divorce is when a husband and a wife
决定不再成为夫妇
decide they don't want to be married to each other.
底下见咯
See you at the bottom.
离婚是最好的选择
Divorce is for the best.
不
No!
求你们了别啊
Please! Please, no!
你在全国性电视节目上离婚了
You got divorced on national television
还当着观众的面观众大多可还都是孩子
before an audience of mostly children.
现在你还觉得离婚是最好的选择吗
Now, do you still think that was "for the best"?
是的
I do.
那么对于那些批判你
Well, what about the critics who argue
仅凭自己的一面之词就空前的摧毁了众多家庭
that you singlehandedly have broken up more homes
你如何回应呢
than anyone in the whole of humanity?
家庭才不会被摧毁
Homes don't break.
它们只会变质
They change,
就像人一样
like people,
我坚信这是最好的选择
which I truly believe is for the best.
那关于菲律宾事件你又如何解释呢
But what about what happened in the Philippines?
那也是最好的结果吗
Was that for the best?
不好意思
I'm sorry.
菲律宾发生了什么
What-what happened in the Philippines?
你不知道吗
You don't know what happened?
来来来
Here. Here, here.
不
No!
求你了别啊
Please! Please, no!
我不知道这场事故
I wasn't aware of this incident.
但是你是否觉得自己应为菲尔的死负责呢
But do you feel responsible for the death of Phil?
你说什么
What did you say?
抱歉我喝口水
Excuse me one second.
你是否觉得自己应该为
Do you feel responsible
菲律宾腌黄瓜先生的死负责呢
for the death of Filipino Pickles?
他们把他从楼顶上扔了下去
They threw him off a roof.
然后砸到了一个卖♥♥冰激凌的商贩
He landed on an ice cream vendor.
那位冰激凌商贩还好吗
Is the ice cream vendor okay?
他可能就此瘫痪了
He may never walk again.
所以他还是有几率能恢复步行能力的对吧
So there's a chance he could walk again?
没可能
No.
葬礼在哪办
Where's the funeral?
没有葬礼
There isn't one.
菲律宾人不肯把基诺腌黄瓜先生的遗体
Philippines won't let Ginoo Pickles' body
埋在他们的领土里所以
be buried on their soil, so...
他们只好把他沉到大海了
...they have to bury him at sea.
现在你又想听我的建议了
Now you want my advice?
人都死了
A man is dead...
我雇来的人啊
a man I hired!
我没说建议而是读出你的想法
I didn't say "advice." I said "read."
我就想让你读出你的想法
I want your read.
我现在就给你读关于这个
My read is, I was right
倾听娃娃我的看法是对的
about this listening doll,
这台接受死亡威胁的机器
this death-threat- receiving machine.
你想发条信息吗
Do you want to send a message?
老子不想
No, I do not!
冷静点坐会吧
Calm down. Have a seat.
坐哪
Where?
这一整间的办公室里
There is nowhere to sit
都没有个放屁♥股♥的地方
in this entire office.
哪都没有
Nowhere.
我本以为我有把椅子的
I thought I had one chair!
没有
No!
没有椅子
No chair.
再看看这个烂摊子
And look at this mess.
你想要一台新苹果手♥机♥吗
Do you want a new iPhone
然而你的资产全都“锁”在家里了
but your money's all tied up in your home?
那么你就急需一个反向抵押贷款
Then you need a reverse mortgage.
相信我这不是骗局
Trust me. It's not a scam.
充分利用你房♥产的隐藏股本是完全可“结”的哦
Unlocking the hidden equity in your home is Snaggle-rific.
我是斯泰西·基齐
I'm Stacy Keach,
“打结的马”说的可对了
and Snagglehorse is right.
共同合作我们将带你跨越
Together, we're gonna take you on a trail ride
财政授权的自♥由♥领土哦
through the land of fiscal empowerment.
再说任何能够
Plus, it's just common sense
“反向”而行的事物
that anything in reverse
总是比按部就班有趣得多这可是常识哟
is always twice as fun as doing it the normal way.
那群贱♥人♥把孩子们给偷走了迪尔德丽
The whores have stolen the children, Deirdre,
就在你的掌管之下
on your watch.
菲律宾腌黄瓜先生死了
Fili-Pickles is dead.
他们打算给他来个海葬
And they're going to bury him at sea
就好像处理腌黄瓜版的本拉♥登♥一样
like some Pickle bin Laden.
你要我的建议是吧
You want my advice?
别让杰夫埋了那家伙
Do not let Jeff bury that man,
还有把老子的皮沙发给取回来
and bring back my leather couch.
你平时怎么在办公室睡觉
How do you nap?
我不睡觉老爹
I don't nap, Dad!
而且那些菲律宾人非要贯彻
And it's not my fault the Philippines
天主教激进分子那套邪教观念又不是我的错
enforce some militant brand of Catholicism.
但离婚的事还得怪你
The divorce is on you, though.
没怪你我就说说
Not blaming, just saying.
你知道吗你老是这样
You do that a lot, you know.
哪样
What?
每次给你一个当好爸爸的机会
Mistake an opportunity
你总是会把它当做
to be a good father
用来羞辱我的机会
with an occasion to shame me.
每次都这样就想让你知道一下
Every now and then, just so you know,
我可真得给你点个赞
I could use a thumbs-up from you,
咱俩都心知肚明一句“干得漂亮小迪”
since we both know that "Good job, Dee Dee,"
有多难说出口
is too hard to say.
如果你想拯救大局
If you want to fix this,
那你必须把杰夫当做一个孩子来看
you have to think of Jeff as a child.
你得让他感到气馁挫败
You have to discourage him.
没事我知道该做什么
It's fine. I know what to do.
我告诉我女儿说爸爸和我
I told my daughter that Daddy and I
有两套房♥子了哟
were just getting a second house,
但是现在倒好她知道我们其实在闹离婚
but now she knows it's divorce.
我妈跟我爸闹分♥裂♥
My mom broke up with my dad
都是因为你唱的破歌♥
because of the song you sang.
我回家的时候发现我老婆在等我
Wife waiting for me when I get home.
在家埋伏我还说腌黄瓜先生说得对
Ambushes me, says Mr. Pickles is right.
除了这个娃娃其他东西她全拿走了
She took everything but this doll.
你拆散了我的家庭死混♥蛋♥
You broke up my home, asshole.
老子要让你求生不得求死不能腌黄瓜先生
I'm gonna fuck you up so bad, Pickles.
- 嗨 - 嘿朋友
- Hi. - Hey, pal.
我似乎把护照落这儿了
I think I left my passport here.
终于要去度假了是吧
Finally going on vacation, huh?
我得去埋葬菲律宾腌黄瓜先生
I have to bury a Filipino Pickle.
就那事儿吧
Well, that's, um...
很高兴你能到这来
I'm glad you're here.
提个问题
Uh, question.
你会考虑跟人共同投资一只具备繁殖能力的猴绠吗
Would you ever coinvest in a breedable affenpinscher?
它们可是相当可靠的表演犬
They are reliable show dogs,
忠诚好奇以能够取悦人闻名
loyal, curious, famously amusing.