开玩笑第二季第九集

Kidding S02E09

Part1

2020年6月1日 15:53

前情提要
Previously on Kidding...
不好意思你说啥
I'm sorry, what did you say?
我说你得了轻微中风
I said you've had a minor stroke.
天文学家要上火箭了
Astronotter is getting on that rocket!
你想要天文学家么
You want Astronotter?
那就让我每周跟女儿多相处一天的时间
Give me one more day a week with my daughter.
有一位助手会把他们带到车站
An aide brings them to the bus stop
他们就在那等着直到他们忘记自己为什么
and they wait until they forget why they wanted
一开始想要离开
to leave in the first place.
请保持冷静
Please remain calm.
欢迎各位光临“腌黄瓜冰雪天地”
Thank you for visiting"Pickles on Ice."
都怪我
It's all my fault.
都怪我
It's all my fault.
我弄断了她的脖子爸比
I broke her throat, Dad.
- 我把塔拉的脖子弄断了 - 当然没有啦
‐ I‐‐I broke Tara's throat.‐ Of course not.
傻♥逼♥玩意儿就一破垃圾
Stupid dick‐nose piece of shit.
抱歉我听不清
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
啥
‐ What?‐
我勒个去
What the fuck?You fuckin‐‐
卧♥槽♥卧♥槽♥ 天呐
What the fuck?Oh, my God!
我差点就记下他的车牌号♥了
I almost got a plate number.
你们没事吧
Are you guys okay?
我们没事杰夫
We're great, Jeff.
我们好得很我们特别好
We're great.We're great.
我们现在可真♥他♥妈♥的太好了
We're so motherfuckinggreat right now.
我们世界第一好啊我们超级好
We're the best!We're so good!
去你♥妈♥的♥
Fuck you!
- 我已经尽全力跑了 - 是吗
‐ I ran as fast as I could.‐ Oh, yeah?
你是打算抓住那家伙吗
Are you gonna catch the guy?
你是打算让他冷静冷静做个深呼吸吗
Are you gonna tell him to take a calm me down breath?
你是不是还打算教他读书写字啥的
You gonna teach him to read?
我觉得你们跟小迪待在一起比较安全
I think it'd be safer for you guys
小迪跟我是站一边儿的
to stay atDee Dee's with me.
他们的目标是你耶
You're the one they wanna hurt.
是你大半夜的跟他们的孩子
You're the one whois talking to their children
进行思想交流的
in the middle of the night.
跟你在一起谁都不安全
Nobody is safe around you.
那是戒指吗
Is that a ring?
滚吧
Go away.
恭喜了朋友
Congrats, pal.
谢了兄弟
Thanks, bud.
- 我打算 - 杰夫
‐ I'm just gonna‐‐‐ Jeff!
- 我对天发誓 - 行了
‐ I swear to Christ.‐ Yeah.
刚才那人呢
Where's the sitter?
我让她回家了有点晚了
I sent her home.It was getting late.
你用了炉子呢
You used the stove.
除了用炉子还有什么办法能做意大利顿饭呢
Is there another wayto make risotto?
你该上♥床♥睡觉了
You should be in bed.
你知道没有桃乐丝我是睡不着的
You know I can't sleepwithout Dolores.
你管你的斧头叫桃乐丝么
You named your axe Dolores?
是根据《桃乐丝的秘密》取的我最喜欢的斧头题材的电影哦
After Dolores Claiborne.It's my favorite axe movie.
电影里是个短柄小斧
It's a hatchet.
你怎么就不能让我如愿以偿呢
Why can't youjust let me live?
给
Here.
去睡吧斧子的刃口朝外
Go to sleep.Blade side out.
我知道怎么跟我的斧头同床共枕老妈
I know how to sleepwith an axe, Mom.
是外公教你做的吗
Grandpa teach youhow to make this?
不是桃乐丝教我的她从托斯卡纳（意大利）来的
No, Dolores did.She's from Tuscany.
谢谢你的晚餐
Thanks for dinner.
真不知道没了你我可咋办
I don't know whatI'd do without you.
如果你真的想要回天文学家
If you really wantAstronotter back,
我可以给你点建议
I can give you some advice.
当然啦
Sure.
扪心自问一下
Just ask yourself...
换做外公会怎么做
what would Grandpa do?
爸
Dad?
你接着睡吧
You keep sleeping.
有我在我护你周全
I won't let anythinghappen to you.
你在那坐多久了
How long haveyou been sitting there?
你接着睡杰夫瑞
Go back to bed, Jeffrey.
等我开火了你就知道该醒了
When the gun goes off,then you can wake up.
对不起这都是我造成的
I'm sorry I put you all in this situation.
这个世界到处都是疯子
The world is full of lunatics
这些疯子也觉得其他人都是疯子
who think the worldis full of lunatics.
如果我没开除你这些都不会发生了
None of this would've happened if I hadn't fired you.
你也不能开了你老爸啊
You can't reallyfire your father.
如果他无法防着你伤害自己
If he can't protect youfrom yourself,
他也会防止别人伤害你
he'll protect youfrom everyone else.
我还是觉得很抱歉
I'm still sorry I did it.
别担心我
Don't you worry about me.
我马上就要享受天伦之乐去了
I'm having a social summer.
其实吧你老妈和我打算度个长假
In fact, your mother and Iare taking a long vacation.
啥意思啊
What's that mean?
我跟她度过了一段时间的冷淡期
She and I went through a rough patch,
但是最近又重新联♥系♥了
but we've recently reconnected.
行李都打包好了我们明天一早就走
Bags are packed.We're leaving tomorrow morning.
去哪呢我还不确定
Where?I'm not sure yet.
一切都还未知吧
The unknown, I guess.
我不觉得老妈现在能去旅行
I don't think Momcan travel right now.
那个想法你自己留着吧
Hold that thought.
我给你做了个蛋挞
Made you an egg tart
超级超级软糯的那种流心
for that squishy, squishytum‐tum of yours.
这破玩意又出岔子了
Oh, damn thing'son the fritz again.
乳蛋饼半小时前就该拿出来了
That quiche should've seta half hour ago.
老爸要不你坐会吧
Dad, why don'tyou come sit down?
坐会
Sit?
我得他妈的卧在这个该死的地板上
I'm gonna have to lay on the goddamn floor
启动指示灯了
and start that pilot light.
爸那不是真的烤箱
Dad, it's not a real oven.
轮不着你来告诉我
You don't have to tell me that.
我一直想买♥♥台塞梅多（烤箱）
I wanted a Thermador,
但是你老妈啥都用微波炉
but your mother,she just microwaves everything.
你是把这些抽屉都黏上了吗
Did you glue these drawers shut?
那些不是真的抽屉爸打不开的
They're not real drawers, Dad.They don't open.
我们在片场啊
We're on the set.
什么
What?
这他妈是什么情况
What the hell is this?
我们在哪呢
Where are we?
那些墙哪去了
Where'd the wall go?
我还在墙上挂了照片呢
I had photographs on that wall!
墙呢杰夫
Where's the wall, Jeff?
该死的墙上哪去了
Where's the fucking wall?
那里本来有堵墙的
There used to be a wall there.
还有一扇门还有一扇窗
And a door and a window!
回到我身边吧爸爸
Come back, Dad.
- 我没事 - 回到我身边
‐ I'm fine.‐ Come back.
我去叫救护车
I'm gonna get you an ambulance.
别叫啦我没事我很好
No, don't do that.I'm fine. I'm okay.
应该就是牙疼了一下
I think it's just a toothache.
嗨
‐ Hi.‐
你昨天“哎呀”（做♥爱♥）了吗
Did you make an Oops last night?
肯定有
‐ ‐ She did.
所以她服用了“B方案”
That's why she takes Plan B,
妇科医生推荐榜上名列第一的
the number one gynecologist recommended
紧急避孕药
morning after pill.
如本“哎呀”推荐的药哦
Oops as Directed.
如果说是电影会不会太过了
I mean, is "cinema"too strong of a word?
因为对我而言这就是个电影啊
Because to me, this is cinema.
她提前来了
Ah, she's early.
来吧
Come on.