开玩笑第一季第三集

Kidding S01E03

Part1

2020年6月1日 16:01

"逗我玩"前情提要...
Previously on Kidding...
-嗨大家好 -我们把这叫做老虎纹
- Hi, everybody. - We call it a tiger stripe.
用胶水粘粘
We glue it in.
酸瓜先生这看起来怎么样
How's that look, Mr. P.?
把你的电♥话♥给我如果我们以后要出去玩
Give me your phone. If we're gonna hang out later,
我该把我的号♥码输进去
I should put my number in it.
看见你们开车过来
Saw you guys drive up.
麦蒂弹钢琴
Maddy, piano time!
我带她去
I'll take her!
你帮我丈夫打过飞机吗
Did you hand-fuck my husband?
-这辆车就是... -美♥利♥坚♥合众国
- This is the car... - President
-总统... -2013
- of the United States... - 2013!
发现了更多受害者...
There are more victims of...
-据报道犯罪... -我的医生告诉我...
- Crime reportedly... - My doctor told me...
-切食物切得专业点... -为了照顾他们
- Chop foods like a pro... - To look out for them.
球场左边...
To the left field...
说点类似 "太棒了"这样的话...
Saying things like "It's amazing"...
托马斯举起来然后...
Thomas pulled up and...
你身上有一部分别人永远无法看到
Part of you that no one can see.
但是你知道它就在那
But you know it's there,
而且我也知道
and I do, too.
没人能把这部分的你带走
That's the part that no one can take away,
因为这部分才是真实的你
because that's the part of you that's really you.
我走了
I'm leaving!
-什么时候回来 -明天
- When are you back? - Tomorrow.
-我爱你 -爱你午餐虫
- I love you. - Love you, Lunch Bug.
明天见哦疯狂脸
Later, Crazy Face!
记着如果你不喜欢单簧管的话
Remember, if you get sick of clarinet,
随时可以回头学钢琴哦
you can always switch back to piano.
爱你们
Love you guys.
你和爸爸离婚了吗
Are you and Dad getting divorced?
没你为什么会这样问我
No. Why would you ask me that?
每种疼痛都需要有个名字
Every pain needs a name.
你们都听到了吗
Can you all hear that?
听起来像是有人
Sounds like someone's knock-knock-knocking
在我的心脏小屋前敲门哦
on the door of my old cardiac condo.
"举手手" 你好呀
Hey, there, Thump-Thump.
那是什么
What's that?
我的主动脉有大雷雨吗
There's a thunderstorm in my aorta?
那听起来可不妙
That doesn't sound right.
再仔细看看
Let's take a closer look.
没有哦
No.
我没有看到任何大雷雨呀
I don't see any thunderstorms,
可这种疼痛是有名字的
but there is a name for this pain.
你刚才看见了吗
Did you just see that?
-什么 -他把"举手手"活生生从他的胸里
- What? - He just ripped Thump-Thump
给扯出来了
out of his chest.
每种疼痛都有一个名字
Every pain needs a name.
那这种疼痛叫什么呢
What do we think this one is called?
如果你问一个孩子他们什么感觉
If you ask a child how they're feeling,
他们会说
they'll say,
"我胸口有个保龄球在滚
"There's a bowling ball in my chest
就在我心脏的位置"
where my heart used to be."
孩子们不能描述自己的感受
It's terrifying for kids to have a feeling
这是很恐怖的
and not be able to describe it.
而现在可以不用保龄球来描述了
Now, instead of a bowling ball,
他们会知道这叫心痛
they'll know it's heartache.
你心痛我懂了
Ah, you're in pain. I get it.
每种疼痛都有个名字
And pain can have a name.
吉尔皮特... 菲尔
Jill, Peter... Phil.
但是治疗方法也有名字
But the remedy can have a name, too.
普丽西拉霍莉黛西
Priscilla, Holly, Daisy.
一盒抽纸和左手
Box of Kleenex and a cold left hand.
这一抽屉的信都是一些女人写的
This is the drawer of letters from women
她们用很离谱的细节
who often describe incredible things
描述了一些很离谱的事
in incredible detail.
我觉得"举手手"已经不能用了
I think Thump-Thump's broken.
谢谢了医生
Thank you, Doctor.
"亲爱的酸瓜先生
"Dear Mr. Pickles,
你给这个世界
What a rare, sublime kindness
带来了少见的善良让人心生敬意
you bestow upon the world.
随信附上我的小妹妹[女性阴蒂]的照片仔细找找哦"
Attached, please find a photograph of my clitoris."
我觉得你拿反了
I think it might be upside-down.
这些女人有小个子的有高个子的
There are short women, there are tall women,
有很贴心的
Some subtle,
有些人的小妹妹里
some have a kosher dill
可能有犹太小茴香哦
knuckle-deep inside their hoo-has.
这封信是从阿克伦城寄来的
This one's from Akron.
距这里就两个小时的路程
You know, it's only two hours away.
给她打个电♥话♥ 买♥♥个芝士蛋糕
Give her a call. Buy her some cheesecake.
-我已婚 -吉尔已经有男朋友了
- Married. - Jill's met a new friend,
夜夜笙箫
who she's fucking.
你为什么不去找个炮♥友♥呢
Now, why can't you meet a new fuck-friend?
对不起我没... 我不能这么想
I'm sorry, I'm not... I can't think this way.
先生
Monsieur
注意注意
attend, attend.
我们来
Let us have a conversation
好好聊聊友情吧好吗
about friendship, huh?
好好探讨一下朋友的价值...
Let us parlez about the value of friends...
去他的吧
Oh, fuck this.
杰夫她们不全是为了上♥床♥
Jeff, they're not all looking for sex.
很多人真的很想见见你
Most of them would just like to meet you.
我和德瑞尔可以好好挑选
Derrell and I would like to dive deep
给你挑出个最佳前十
and curate you a top ten.
我不想和什么人约会
I don't like the idea of being out on a date.
大家都盯着我会猜
People staring at me, wondering,
"难道他没有和他的太太宣誓吗"
"Did he not make a covenant with his spouse?"
不不不别那样想
No, no, no. Stop that.
别人不会看到你和其他成年人一起吃饭
No one would see you eating with another adult
就觉得你在约会
and think you're out on a date.
我想以一个... 男人的身份和一个女人出去
I'd be a... A man, out with a woman.
不你要以酸瓜先生的身份和女人出去
No, you'd be Mr. Pickles out with a woman.
大家并不会把你当作是约会对象
The general populace doesn't see you as a sexual being.
我们看得到你的眼睛
We see eyes,
你的耳朵你的鼻子
we see ears, we see a nose,
但不会看到你两条腿中间的东西
but there's nothing between the legs.
我们只看得到土豆先生没有人把你当作男人来看
We see Mr. Potato Head. No one sees a man.
谢谢老爹
Thanks, Dad,
可本质上我是个男人
but I am a man.
真的
I am.
另一种男人而已
Just a different kind.
世界上有三种物质形态
There are three kinds of matters:
固体
solid matters,
液体气体
liquid matters, gas matters.
柠檬水是液体
Lemonade is a liquid matter.
柠檬... 是固体
Lemons... are a solid matter.
环酮B是气体
Zyklon B is a gas matter.
闭嘴
Shut up.
麦蒂现在的反应
What Maddy's experiencing
和她的小时候的拥抱反射很相似
is something akin to her Moro reflex.
还记得那是什么吗一种婴儿时期的现象
You remember what that is, from baby days?
不记得了
No.
我只是想笑
Just for giggles, let's pretend
就当我孕期的反应减弱了吧
that the enthusiasm for my pregnancy was, um, muted?
我们说的是怀孕三个月完全正常的现象
We're talking about something that's totally normal for three-month-olds.
本质上来讲这是一种进化
Basically, it's evolution's way
如果他们倒下的话
of giving infants a reflex
他们会举手试图抓住妈妈
to cling to Mom in case they're falling.
所以她才会举手
That's why the hands go up.
但她8岁了
But she's eight.