开玩笑第一季第四集

Kidding S01E04

Part1

2020年6月1日 16:01

"逗我玩" 前情提要... 快快快
Previously on Kidding... Go, go, go!
我知道"P猎狗"里的P是什么意思了
I found out what the P in "P-Hound" stands for.
现在我一看到字母P
Now every time I see the letter P,
我就会想到"孬种"这个词
I think of the word "pussy."
我们快无法控制他了
We are losing control of him.
我们需要他的可控版本
We need versions of him we can control.
这一抽屉的信都是一些女人写的
This is the drawer of letters from women.
这封信是从阿克伦城寄来的
This one's from Akron.
距这里就两个小时的路程
You know, it's only two hours away.
给她打个电♥话♥ 买♥♥个芝士蛋糕
Give her a call. Buy her some cheesecake.
我已婚
Married.
6周后我就会死掉
In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.
这工作太难了
This job is hard.
这是我他妈这辈子做过的最简单的工作了
This job's the easiest shit I've done my whole fucking life.
我现在看到酸黄瓜都笑不起来了
No, pickles make me sad now.
看到酸黄瓜我就会想到酸瓜先生的儿子躺在路中间
I see pickles, I see that dead Pickle boy on the road.
他家人痛哭流涕的场面
I see his family suffering.
看到酸黄瓜我就想到眼泪
I see pickles, I see tears.
你♥他♥妈♥为什么要这么做
Why you fucking do that?
现在我也看到了眼泪
Now I see it, too.
操希拉
Fuck, Sheila.
你破坏了我对这些酸黄瓜的感情
Ruining pickles and shit.
操♥你♥妈♥ 希拉
Fuck you, Sheila.
杀人犯
Murderer!
谢谢你昨晚陪我共度良宵
Thank you for a lovely evening.
你为什么会觉得内疚
Why do you feel guilty?
我喜欢你
I like you.
我喜欢薇薇安
I like Vivian.
我不喜欢自己同时喜欢两个人的感觉
I don't like having feelings for two people.
-太自私了 -不要觉得不好
- It's selfish. - Don't feel bad.
我没有觉得不好我觉得难以置信
I don't feel bad. I feel incredible.
就像是我发现了南极一样
I feel like I've discovered the South Pole.
我不想让你感觉不好
I don't want you to feel bad.
我不想伤害你
I don't want to hurt you.
对我而言你一直都是很重要的人
You're never gonna not be important to me.
对我而言你也一直都是很重要的人
You're never gonna not be important to me.
我也觉得挺好的
Well, I think it's great, too.
有天晚上我自己在想
Just the other night, I was thinking to myself,
"我认识的女人里
"Are there any ladies that I know
有没有和杰夫很配的"
who would be a good match for Jeff?"
然而... 我想了想没有人
And... literally nobody came to mind.
谢了巨P
Thanks, Giant P.
-我以为是大P -是吗
- I thought it was Big P. - Was it?
我没有受伤没有不开心
I'm not hurt. I'm not upset.
对于你新的开始...
I'm offering you many...
我只有真心的祝福和期许
blessings and much good luck here on your new relationship.
不用担心我只是暂时心动
Don't worry. It's just temporary.
不暂时长久心动也可以呀
It doesn't have to be temporary.
是暂时的
It does.
那是什么意思
What does that mean?
雷克斯在吗
Hello? Rex?
我有一个关于钢琴的问题要问你
I have a piano question.
你的车在外面我看见了
I see your car!
你是要把牙齿放在枕头下呢
Are you gonna put it under your pillow this time
还是藏起来不让牙仙子知道
or hide it from the Tooth Fairy?
我不会藏起来
I don't hide them.
前几次我弄丢了
I lose them sometimes.
爸爸
Hey, Dad.
我早上吃三明治早餐的时候牙齿掉了
I lost my tooth in my breakfast panini.
我今天不去上班了得了流感
I'm not going to work today. I have the flu.
-难受死了 -哪里不舒服
- It really sucks. - Where does it hurt?
浑身疼我得去床上躺一下
Ugh, all over my body. I-I need to go to bed.
我需要喝点流质
I need fluids.
我今天和明天都没办法上班了可能一直都去不了了
I can't go to work today or tomorrow, maybe ever.
我不想当一个商务旅行代理
I do not want to be a corporate travel agent.
我为什么要做个商务旅行代理
Why am I a corporate travel agent?
你在哭吗
Are you crying?
因为流感
It's the flu.
我去做点汤
I'll make soup.
其实人们都说酸奶是一种新型的汤
Actually, people are saying yogurt is the new soup.
♪ 我不会再忍♥气吞声 ♪
♪ I'll put up no resistance ♪
♪ 我想保持距离 ♪
♪ I wanna stay the distance ♪
♪ 我瘙痒难耐 ♪
♪ I've got an itch to scratch ♪
♪ 需要一些帮助 ♪
♪ I need assistance ♪
♪ 抚摸 ♪
♪ Touch-a ♪
我在等短♥信♥
I'm waiting for a text message.
♪ 我想变坏 ♪
♪ I wanna be dirty ♪
你觉得我们还要等多久
How much longer do you think we have?
-作为一个物种吗 -对...
- As a species? - Mm...
直到屋顶塌下来
until the roof caves in.
直到再也不会出现这种情况
Till there's no this anymore.
直到杰夫当不了主持人或者人类
Until Jeff can't function as host or human.
全部都取决于他
It all depends on him.
可能要几个星期也可能要几个月
Could be weeks. Could be months.
我预测不了未来我也不擅长
I can't predict the future, and I'm not good
对未来做什么预测
at guessing weight from a distance,
但是如果你离他再近一点
but if you get close to him,
你能听到气球漏气的滋滋声
you can hear the air hissing out of the balloon.
那我该怎么办呢
And what do I do, then?
你会整天在家里
You're gonna be home alone all day
陪你的家人...
with your family...
那个尖叫的小女妖...
That screaming banshee child...
我们直说吧
And let's face it,
你的婚姻已经一脚
that marriage that has always had one foot
踩进了一堆红蚂蚁上
on a pile of red ants.
去你的红蚂蚁斯科特是我这一生的挚爱
Fuck you, red ants! Scott's the love of my life.
而麦蒂...早上掉了一颗牙
And Maddy... she lost a tooth this morning,
我说 "把牙齿放你枕头下面"
and I was like, "Put it under your pillow,"
我迫不及待想回家
And I cannot wait to get home later
去枕头下看看她的牙齿
and find her tooth under her pillow.
每个人都想被人认为是好家长
Everybody wants to feel like they're a good parent.
没有人想模仿别人
Nobody wants to act like one.
帮我个忙
Do me a favor
把你兄弟想象成个吉祥物
and picture your brother as a mascot
比如你最喜欢的中国垒球队
to your favorite Chinese softball team, huh?
他会是这个样子吗
Would he look like this?
这有点吓人啊
That's traumatizing.
-他鼻子很大 -对
- He has a dick nose. - Yeah.
杰夫版的白雪溜冰团
It's Jeff's head for the Ice Capades.
我把他外包给越南了
I outsourced it to Vietnam.
太滥了但是可以做得更好的
It's shitty. You can do better.
我没办法想象杰夫带着一个塑料泡沫头
I can't replace Jeff with a Styrofoam head
然后透过这炯炯有神的装饰里看他的眼
and then look him in the eye over osso buco.
欢迎来到激动人心的内部纷争世界
Welcome to the world of exciting internal conflict.
帮我重建个杰夫吧
Build me a Jeff, please.
我知道这会让你大吃一惊
I know this is gonna come as a surprise to you,
但我没多长时间可活了
but I'm not gonna be around much longer.
我父亲68岁死的
My father died at 68.
我的时间是借的
I'm on borrowed time.
我希望某一天这一切都归你
I'd like all this to be yours someday.
什么时候哦
Since when?
不是你的话还能是谁
If not you, who?
但是如果我们想继续干下去
But if we want to keep this shop open,
首先我们要创造另一个...
first, we need to build another Jeff...
冰上杰夫
on ice.
原来的杰夫已经神游大海去了
The original is out to sea.
我不想伤害任何人
I don't want to hurt anyone.
伤害谁
Hurt who?
吉尔威尔...任何人
Jill, Will... anyone.
比如这个
I mean, this, for example.