Previously on Kidding...
And I think that's appropriate,
because it reminds us...
I wanna do a show about death.
You do a show about death,
children will run from the room in tears.
So what do you think?
I'll take it.
What do you want to say?
Stop talking. We get it.
You always know what to say.
Sometimes I don't want you to talk.
I want you to listen.
I'm gonna call you Big P.
What can I call you?
Olympic gold medalist Ms. Tara Lipinski.
Will's smoking reefer like a jazz musician.
Teaching Will a magic trick
isn't gonna get him to stop smoking pot.
The National Tree Lighting.
That'll be, what, 10 million people watching?
How did December get here so quickly?
You are a bagpipe of insanity.
This is not insanity.
This is how honesty looks
when you're inside out and upside down.
Saying yes to drugs
is the biggest oops you can make.
Get between your kids and drugs.
It doesn't matter how
if you want to save your child's life.
Live from President's Park
in the heart of the nation's capital,
it's America's Christmas Tree Lighting 2018.
This year, we celebrate the festive season
in a time-honored holiday tradition
featuring performances from Trisha Yearwood,
Wynonna Judd, The Texas Tenors,
with Kathie Lee Gifford and Dean Cain.
Please welcome our host, Mr. Jeff Pickles.
Your parents don't deserve you.
If they did, you wouldn't be able to walk from
Los Angeles to Beijing on a bridge of floating plastic.
What's left to drink when the water
has too much lead in it?
The orange juice has too much sugar.
They put so many hormones in the milk,
girls are spending their eighth birthday with Aunt Flo.
They want me to put Soap Scum on a tampon box.
They want Ennui hawking antidepressants.
You are the product of narcissism.
Your parents look at you and see their own death.
They either expect more of you than you can give them
or, worse, nothing at all.
Statistically, they hate each other.
They use you to fix their flaws.
They want you to read the books they won't.
You are the caviar of a trout.
Caviar of a trout.
Your parents will always love you enough
to pretend they love you.
That's why they buy you dolls,
so you can practice pretending too.
Repeat after me. Every pain needs a name.
Every pain needs a name.
很好 很好 绿灯代表可以通行
Good, that's very good. Green means go.
- Green means go. - Good.
很好 现在说 "我爱你 爸爸"
Good. Now say, "I love you, Daddy."
- Why? - Just say it.
I love you, Daddy.
Your parents are failing you.
Mine did, and yours do.
I know this because they leave you with me.
Don't believe me?
Next time you're watching my show,
call out for your mom or your dad.
Do they respond?
Of course not.
They're avoiding you.
Your mom is chasing down a handful of Klonopin
with a Diet Dr Pepper.
And Dad is out there drinking
from the bottles that empty him.
Hypothetically if I-I have an account
that he doesn't know about
with hundreds of thousands of dollars
that was supposed to go to charity,
what happens to that, um, money in the divorce?
I see, yeah.
I like you,
the friends who visit me on television.
But I'm not your father.
And I shouldn't be.
I killed my son.
Please don't use a bad word when you can...
I didn't listen to him.
So he didn't listen to me.
结果证明 我是个很健谈的人 但很不会倾听
Turns out, I was a pretty good talker but a terrible listener.
Why didn't I listen?
Because I can be selfish too.
If I had really listened to him,
I would have heard my own flaws, my own anger.
For me to address his flaws,
I would have had to admit to my own.
If I had listened to him,
maybe he would have listened to me.
Maybe he would have done his homework.
Maybe he would have put on a seat belt.
Now it's almost Christmas. Again.
And in that spirit,
I want you to go to where your parents hide things.
Sometimes it's a special drawer
or the linen closet.
All children know where this is.
It's where your parents hide your presents.
I want you to open them early.
It's all right.
I say it's okay.