开玩笑第一季第十集

Kidding S01E10

Part1

2020年6月1日 16:02

"逗我玩"前情提要...
Previously on Kidding...
我觉得那样挺好
And I think that's appropriate,
因为这提醒我们...
because it reminds us...
我想做一个关于死亡的节目
I wanna do a show about death.
如果你做一个关于死亡的节目
You do a show about death,
孩子们会哭着从屋里跑出来
children will run from the room in tears.
你觉得怎么样
So what do you think?
很好
It's perfect.
这房♥子我要了
I'll take it.
你想说什么
What do you want to say?
真♥主♥至大
Allahu Akbar!
真♥主♥至大
Allahu Akbar?
别说了我们懂了
Stop talking. We get it.
你一直都知道该说什么
You always know what to say.
有时候我希望你别说话
Sometimes I don't want you to talk.
我希望你能倾听一下
I want you to listen.
我打算叫你大P
I'm gonna call you Big P.
我怎么称呼你
What can I call you?
杰夫·酸瓜
Jeff Pickles.
奥林匹克金牌得主塔拉·利平斯基小姐
Olympic gold medalist Ms. Tara Lipinski.
威尔像个爵士音乐家一样吸着大♥麻♥
Will's smoking reefer like a jazz musician.
教威尔变魔术
Teaching Will a magic trick
并不能让他戒掉大♥麻♥
isn't gonna get him to stop smoking pot.
全国圣诞点灯仪式
The National Tree Lighting.
会有一千万人观看吧
That'll be, what, 10 million people watching?
该死
Oh, fuck.
十二月怎么这么快就到了
How did December get here so quickly?
你是一支疯狂的风笛
You are a bagpipe of insanity.
这不是疯狂
This is not insanity.
这是当你内外彻底颠倒时
This is how honesty looks
诚实的样子
when you're inside out and upside down.
向毒品低头
Saying yes to drugs
是你能做的最糟糕的事
is the biggest oops you can make.
让你的孩子远离毒品
Get between your kids and drugs.
如果你想拯救孩子的生命
It doesn't matter how
用什么方式并不重要
if you want to save your child's life.
美国首都中心
Live from President's Park
总统公园现场为您现场直播
in the heart of the nation's capital,
2018年美国全国圣诞点灯仪式
it's America's Christmas Tree Lighting 2018.
今年在这个欢庆的佳节
This year, we celebrate the festive season
我们将沿袭历史悠久的节日传统
in a time-honored holiday tradition
我们请到了翠莎·耶吾德
featuring performances from Trisha Yearwood,
薇诺娜·朱♥德♥ 得克萨斯男高音
Wynonna Judd, The Texas Tenors,
李·基弗德和迪恩·凯恩为我们带来表演
with Kathie Lee Gifford and Dean Cain.
请热烈欢迎我们的主持人杰夫·酸瓜先生
Please welcome our host, Mr. Jeff Pickles.
你的爸妈不值得你去爱
Your parents don't deserve you.
如果他们值得你就不可能可以
If they did, you wouldn't be able to walk from
从塑料垃圾搭起的浮桥上从洛杉矶走到北♥京♥
Los Angeles to Beijing on a bridge of floating plastic.
如果水里面铅成分太多
What's left to drink when the water
那我们还能喝什么
has too much lead in it?
橘子汁里面有太多糖分
The orange juice has too much sugar.
他们在牛奶里加了很多激素
They put so many hormones in the milk,
以至于女孩们八岁生日就迎来初潮
girls are spending their eighth birthday with Aunt Flo.
他们想让我在卫生棉条包装盒上给皂垢打广♥告♥
They want me to put Soap Scum on a tampon box.
他们想让无聊的人兜售抗抑郁药
They want Ennui hawking antidepressants.
你是自恋的产物
You are the product of narcissism.
你的爸妈看着你就看到了自己的死亡
Your parents look at you and see their own death.
他们要么对你有无法达到的期待
They either expect more of you than you can give them
要么更糟对你没有任何期待
or, worse, nothing at all.
统计学上讲他们相互讨厌
Statistically, they hate each other.
他们用你去弥补自己的过错
They use you to fix their flaws.
他们想让你读他们都不读的书
They want you to read the books they won't.
你是鳟鱼的鱼子酱
You are the caviar of a trout.
鳟鱼的鱼子酱
Caviar of a trout.
你的爸妈爱你的程度会足够他们
Your parents will always love you enough
假装很爱你
to pretend they love you.
所以他们才会买♥♥娃娃给你
That's why they buy you dolls,
这样你也可以联♥系♥假装爱他们
so you can practice pretending too.
重复我说的话每种疼痛都需要一个名字
Repeat after me. Every pain needs a name.
每种疼痛都需要一个名字
Every pain needs a name.
很好很好绿灯代表可以通行
Good, that's very good. Green means go.
-绿灯代表可以通行 -很好
- Green means go. - Good.
很好现在说 "我爱你爸爸"
Good. Now say, "I love you, Daddy."
-为什么 -说就是了
- Why? - Just say it.
我爱你爸爸
I love you, Daddy.
谢谢你
Thank you.
你的爸妈在让你失望
Your parents are failing you.
我的爸妈是你的也是
Mine did, and yours do.
每天如此
Every day.
我知道是因为他们把你丢给了我
I know this because they leave you with me.
不相信我吗
Don't believe me?
下次你看我的节目的时候
Next time you're watching my show,
给你的爸爸或者妈妈打电♥话♥
call out for your mom or your dad.
他们会接电♥话♥吗
Do they respond?
不会的
No.
当然不会
Of course not.
他们在逃避你
They're avoiding you.
妈妈
Mom?
你妈一直在就着胡椒博士[一种美国可乐]
Your mom is chasing down a handful of Klonopin
吃大把大把的氯硝西泮[治疗焦虑和精神失常]
with a Diet Dr Pepper.
妈妈
Mom?
而你♥爸♥一直在外面喝酒
And Dad is out there drinking
捧着掏空他心灵的酒瓶子
from the bottles that empty him.
妈妈
Mom?
假设我有个他不知道的
Hypothetically if I-I have an account
银行账户
that he doesn't know about
账户里有几十万美元
with hundreds of thousands of dollars
本来打算捐给慈善机构的
that was supposed to go to charity,
这些钱离婚后会怎样
what happens to that, um, money in the divorce?
我知道了好的
I see, yeah.
我喜欢你
I like you,
在电视上拜访我的朋友
the friends who visit me on television.
但我不是你们的爸爸
But I'm not your father.
而且我也不该是
And I shouldn't be.
我杀了我的儿子
I killed my son.
凶手
Murderer!
在你能用好听的字眼时请别用难听的...
Please don't use a bad word when you can...
我没倾听他的话
I didn't listen to him.
所以他也没听我的话
So he didn't listen to me.
结果证明我是个很健谈的人但很不会倾听
Turns out, I was a pretty good talker but a terrible listener.
我为何不倾听
Why didn't I listen?
因为我也很自私
Because I can be selfish too.
如果我好好倾听了他的话
If I had really listened to him,
我就能听到我自己的缺点我的愤怒
I would have heard my own flaws, my own anger.
为了让他改正他的缺点
For me to address his flaws,
我必须得承认我自己的缺点
I would have had to admit to my own.
如果我倾听了他的话
If I had listened to him,
或许他会听我的话
maybe he would have listened to me.
或许他就会做完作业
Maybe he would have done his homework.
或许他就会系上安全带
Maybe he would have put on a seat belt.
现在又快到圣诞节了
Now it's almost Christmas. Again.
基于节日精神
And in that spirit,
我想让你去看看你♥爸♥妈藏东西的地方
I want you to go to where your parents hide things.
有时是一个特别的抽屉
Sometimes it's a special drawer
或衣柜
or the linen closet.
所有孩子都知道是哪里
All children know where this is.
是你♥爸♥妈藏你的礼物的地方
It's where your parents hide your presents.
我想让你们早点打开它们
I want you to open them early.
这没关系
It's all right.
我觉得这没关系
I say it's okay.