开玩笑第二季第三集

Kidding S02E03

Part1

2020年6月1日 15:53

开玩笑前情提要
Previously on Kidding...
他需要一个新的肝脏否则他要肝衰竭了
He needs a new liver, or it will fail.
- 送我去移肝吧 - 我们要离婚了
- De-liver me. - We're getting a divorce.
费尔死的时候
When Phil died,
- 你把他的器官捐给别人了吗 - 没有
- did you donate his organs? - No.
我听着呢
I am listening.
倾听市场上对于类似“跟我玩”系列腌黄瓜
Listening to the demand for a follow-up toy
这种衍生玩具的需求呼声
like Play-With-Me Pickles.
木偶时间的广♥告♥在6个月内
Puppet Time will be back on the air
肯定会重新播出
within six months.
我保证做到
You have my word.
你被开除了
You're fired.
腌黄瓜小伙伴们大家好
Hello, Pickle Pals.
很高兴今天见到大家
It's so good to see you today.
也很高兴每天都能见到大家
It's so good to see you every day.
你看到了什么
What do you see?
你看到我的沙发我的房♥间了吗
Do you see my couch and my room?
你看到我窗外的天空了吗
Do you see the sky outside my window?
你还看到了什么
What else do you see?
皂垢
Soap Scum!
紫色是色彩之王啊
Purple is the color of kings.
我们一起去腌黄瓜桶瀑布玩一下吧
Let's take a trip to Pickle Barrel Falls.
你是做什么的
* What do you do?
你是做什么的
* What do you do?
不知道的时候也不要害怕
* Don't be afraid when you don't know
吹口哨很简单啊
Whistling is easy.
我会一直在你们身边的朋友们
I'll always be here for you, my friends.
永远
Always.
如果大家正在收看腌黄瓜先生的木偶时间
If you've tuned in for Mr. Pickles' Puppet Time,
那抱歉了孩子们
we're sorry, kids,
他现在不在
he's not here right now.
但我在这里是哥伦布的顶级新闻杂♥志♥
But I am, with Columbus' top news magazine.
你去哪啦
Where'd you go?
护士站还有四箱子呢
There's four more bins at the nurses' station.
但我们不想让你被这么多粉丝来信吓到
But we didn't want to overwhelm you with fan mail.
明星的粉丝才叫粉丝
Fans are for pop stars.
我们这都叫友信
We call it friend mail.
朋友永远不嫌多啊
And you can never have too many friends.
不管你要去哪
Wherever you're going,
我不在的话都不应该乱跑啊
you shouldn't be walking there without me.
彼得收到我超大号♥的棒棒糖了吗
Did Peter get my oversized lollipop?
收到了
Yes.
我该去找他聊聊
I should go talk to him.
你老婆可能不会允许的
I don't think your wife wants that to happen.
为什么
What makes you say that?
因为她说了不允许
Because she said she doesn't want that to happen.
不过他到是想跟你聊聊
He wants to talk to you, though.
大家都想的
They all do.
亲爱的腌黄瓜先生
Dear Mr. Pickles,
首先祝你圣诞快乐新年快乐了
first of all, merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
亲爱的腌黄瓜先生
Dear Mr. Pickles, what do you do
如果你觉得没人想跟你做朋友你要怎么办呢
when you feel like no one wants to be your friend?
亲爱的腌黄瓜先生葡萄干是怎么写的
Dear Mr. Pickles, how do you spell "raisin"
葡萄干是这么写的吗
Is this how you spell raisin?
亲爱的杰夫
Dear Jeff,
我是彼得被你用车撞的那个人
it's Peter, the guy you hit with your car.
我收到你的棒棒糖了
I got your lollipop.
我很想跟你聊聊
I really want to talk with you,
但吉尔好像不允许
but I don't see Jill letting that happen.
腌黄瓜先生你好我是朱迪
Hi, Mr. Pickles, I'm Judy.
我住过很多不同的寄养家庭
You have been with me in every foster home
在每个地方的时候都有你陪着我
I've ever lived at in my whole, entire life.
但新家里面看不到你了
But you're not at my new one.
每个频道我都找了
I checked every channel.
我就是想跟你说我很想你
Guess I just wanted to let you know I miss you.
对了我知道
P.S. I know you don't have
你的节目没了
a TV show anymore,
但请你快点想办法回归哦
but please figure out a way to come back.
我听到了
I hear the pain
你的痛苦
of my fellow man.
抱歉
I'm sorry, I...
我以为就我自己呢
I thought I was alone.
你有什么困扰
What's your trouble?
他们都说我是很好的倾听者
I've been told I'm a good listener
因为我一说话就会流血
because I bleed when I talk.
说吧
Go ahead.
我全神贯注倾听
I'm only ears.
我朋友太多了
I have too many friends.
我一个朋友都没有
Well, I don't have any friends.
我曾经信任每个人的
I used to trust everyone.
现在我看到了残酷的现实
Now I see the world for what it is:
在机场的一个破酒店里
an airport motel room
所有人排着队操到你失声
where people line up to fuck you in the throat.
我真的很抱歉
truly sorry for...
无论你经历了什么
whatever happened to you.
没事的
That's okay.
请继续说吧
Please, continue.
我的朋友们需要我
My friends need me.
我不知道如何跟他们所有人沟通
I don't know how to talk to them all.
就好像有人
It's like someone's...
夺走了我的声音
taken away my voice.
我理解你的感受
I know how you feel.
我知道怎么弥补
I know exactly how to fix it.
但会引发很多争辩的
But it's gonna invite a lot of controversy.
会让一些人不喜欢我的
It's gonna make some people not like me.
不是所有人都必须成为你朋友的
Not everyone has to be your friend.
你知道我们怎么会知道耶稣是个真人吗
Do you know how we know Jesus was a real person?
因为大家不喜欢他
Because people didn't like him.
他有敌人
He had enemies.
如果所有人都要说你的好话
If everyone has something nice to say about you,
那你可能早就不存在了
history questions your very existence.
你有敌人吗
Do you have enemies?
所有的冠军都有敌人
Every champion has enemies.
我要钢琴
I want the piano.
- 你不会弹 - 我去上课
- You don't play the piano. - I'm gonna take lessons.
我认识一些教钢琴的男的
I know some guy who gives 'em.
你学乐器就为了气我吗
You're going to learn an instrument to spite me?
不我学乐器是为了让你崩溃
No, I'm gonna learn an instrument to break you.
好那我要女儿的全部监护权
Well, I want full custody of our daughter.
什么
What?
你完全不适合当一个母亲
You are completely unfit to be a mother.
如果你想听我可以列出
And if you'd like, I can throw up
20来条证据给法官看
an alphabet of exhibits in front of a judge
来支持我的观点
to back up that sentiment.
我还有20多个手活儿呢
Well, I have an alphabet of hand jobs.
还是别争这个了
So let's not go down that road.
我不会抛弃我的孩子的
I'm not going to abandon my kid.
我们说好的所有东西对半分
We agreed, split everything 50-50.
你知道啥是法务会计吗
Do you know what a forensic accountant is?
不知道
No, I do not.
好吧我雇了一位
Okay, well, I hired one to go
来梳理我们的账户来搞清楚
through our bank accounts to find out what's what
什么是你的什么是我的
and what's mine and what's yours,
他找到了一些他认为奇怪
and he found something he called odd
我很好奇
but I call curious
而国税局会认为是违法的东西
and the IRS would call illegal.
我的账簿很干净的
My books are clean.
每年你都会捐几十万美元
Every year, you donate hundreds of thousands of dollars
给一个慈善机构
to a charity called
印迪亚女子学校
the Indica School for Girls.