Sorry to do this on a Monday, but I need to send Mattie Sullivan
over to you regarding an octopus situation.
What's an octopus situation?
Sexual harassment of a colleague.
You know where the HR office is?
Out of the whole squad of deviants,
I'm the one that gets the verbal warning?
Sex rules are baffling.
It's probably safer if we all become born-again virgins.
It's a self-imposed dry patch. I've been focusing on my career.
I'm nervous now. Hot-tubbed a girl last night.
What if she goes to the press?
Please tell me that hot-tubbed isn't a euphemism.
Nah. We done it in my actual hot tub.
- The one in your bedroom? - Yeah, boy!
And let's just say, when she got out,
there was a lot more liquid in there than before. Ha-ha!
-因为她尿身上了吗 -不 但确实很狂野
- Because she pissed herself? - No. But it got mad kinky.
I'm not buying it. Sounds like bullshit.
You should probably give her a call, you know,
after that chat this morning and everything.
Yeah. If she's real, give her a call.
Oh, she's real. And I'm calling her now.
甜心 你怎么样 甜心
Sweetheart. How's it going, sweetheart?
Don't call me sweetheart.
宝贝 听着 昨晚太美好了
Babes, listen. Last night was sick,
but it has to stay between me and you.
-那你妈妈呢 -开玩笑 开得不错
- And your mum? - Ha-ha. Banter. Good one.
But seriously, club wouldn't want to
see my name splashed all over the papers.
Benji, I can guarantee our story is safe with me.
Because I tried selling it, and no-one's interested.
Turns out you're a fucking nobody.
Not the Cameroonian David Beckham.
- What? - Not even LADbible!
A girl I know wanked Wes from Love Island on a train,
and even that made LADbible.
Nice one. Bye.
-喀麦隆的贝克汉姆 -没什么 挺好的
- The Cameroonian Beckham? - Nah, nah. It's all good.
At least I'm safe from getting #MeToo'd.
Benji, you don't get #MeToo'd.
You do something wrong and you suffer the consequences.
You're right, we got to be careful.
This #MeToo got us on lockdown.
We can't go nowhere, not one strip club.
No, it hasn't.
If we behave how we normally do, everything will be fine.
You got a verbal warning seconds after a #MeToo talk.
It was a misunderstanding.
Hey, if yous want to go somewhere, I know a place.
I go there all the time, and we definitely won't get #MeToo'd.
- You do have to stop saying that. - Come on.
He was right about us not getting in trouble with women in here.
I doubt a woman has ever been in here.
It's like they built this as a #MeToo bunker.
Yeah, each way on that one.
挺好的 杰克 那是匹好马
Lovely, Jack. Good horse, that.
Any thoughts for the Champions League games this week?
Oh, yeah, good point. Here's 20.
Juve to win on away goals.
Hey, you're not betting on football, are you?
You really shouldn't be doing that.
Nah, it's fine. I don't bet on our games -- usually.
It's not fine. You'll be suspended
for betting on any football anywhere in the world.
Nah, they'd have mentioned it if that was the case.
They do mention it! All the time.
It seems unlikely, to be honest.
- Can we go now? - Just watch the end of this race.
- I've got a grand on it. - A grand?!
-这是场重要的比赛吗 -不知道 可能不是
- Is it a big race? - Don't know. Probably not.
Why does no-one want to buy a story on me?
- You should be grateful. - I'm not, though.
I want to be big enough that someone will buy a story.
"Not-Cameroonian Beckham still lives with Mom"?
-很遗憾 杰克 -很平常 特里
- Sorry about that, Jack. - It happens, Terry, mate.
Don't worry about it.
Seem pretty OK for someone who's just lost a grand.
- Never lost a grand. - Oh, good.
In total, it was about three grand.
-老天啊 -不 没事的
- Jesus is Lord! - No, it's fine.
I got paid two grand the other day off my sponsors.
- Screwfix. - Yeah.
Well, this place is super depressing. Let's get out of here.
我说了 你哪儿都不能去 哪里都不安全
I told you, you can't go nowhere. Nowhere is safe.
Oh, I could cook us all a meal.
Just because we can't date women
don't mean we have to start dating each other.
No, I've been living out of a hotel for weeks.
Be great to do something normal, like cook a meal.
Can I use your kitchen, Jack?
-可以 请随意 -太好了 我们去买♥♥点吃的
- Yeah, knock yourself out. - Great. Let's go buy some food.
Yeah, you might need to buy some cutlery too.
And some pots.
And a table.
And probably some chairs as well.
But other than that, you're all good.
You need to be careful in supermarkets.
That's where women go in the afternoons if they want sex.
Or if they want shopping.
I saw a TED Talk on it. This guy knew what he was talking about.
There's a TED Talk on picking up women
in supermarkets on weekday afternoons?
Yes. This guy talks about
how he picks up women in supermarkets all the time,
and then he shows the results.
I am almost certain you mean Pornhub.
Wherever I saw it, we need to be careful in supermarkets.
These are weird, aren't they?
Like little plastic things that you hang in your bog.
The TED Talk guy said he got
most of his action in the household goods aisle.
Yeah, because nothing puts a woman in the mood
more than an aisle of Toilet Ducks.
I'm so sorry to bother you,
but you're not Jack Turner, the footballer, are you?
Oh, wow. I've seen you on my son's wall.
He-He'll never believe this. He's such a fan.
Are you all players?
是的 我是马蒂 他是本杰
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Mattie. This is Benji.
Actual professional footballers.
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