有趣 别改啊 皮蒂
Priceless. Don't change, Petey.
No, listen, right?
Results are terrible and they finish training at 12.
What do they do all day? Train more.
- And what if they get injured? - Don't get injured.
I wouldn't mind doing a job
where I do half a day's work on their wages.
Excuse me! Jack!
别这样 朋友 我需要这些
Now, come on, mate, please. I need them.
Then buy your own.
You've got the money.
- Everything OK? - Yeah, yeah, fine.
He caught me.
- You were stealing toilet paper. - Borrowing.
I'm not sure you can borrow toilet paper.
Have you not got any at home?
没有 我不买♥♥ 买♥♥很尴尬
No, I don't buy it. It's embarrassing, innit?
What if someone saw me?
They might think that,
like every other human on Earth, you excrete.
Jack, are you telling me you've
never bought toilet paper, not even online?
Oh, mate, that's way worse.
A stranger coming to your house with a big box of shit paper.
This might seem like a weird question as we've just met,
but where are you pooing, then, Jack?
Usually at work.
Sometimes I use the disabled bogs for a treat,
but I weren't feeling it today.
OK. Tell me if I'm crossing a line here,
but do you want me to help you,
a grown man, buy some toilet paper?
Yeah, you can do, if you like.
My car's parked in the car park.
And this is the car park.
- Yo, Jack! - Yes, mate.
Got a spare ticket for Saturday? I need one.
Both of mine are going free.
- I don't have anyone to... - Nice one. Cheers.
Going to show this Instagram hottie the time of her life.
What have you done with your tickets?
- Gave them to the Old Bill. - Charity?
What are you doing now, then?
Mum's not picking me up for the next three hours.
Oh, your mom still picks you up?
She's normally more reliable than this.
-为什么不打车 -我打不了 因为...
- Why not get an Uber? - I can't, because...
And it's so unfair...
They won't pick me up, cos my rating's so low.
I've never heard of that.
I book the car, right?
So for that amount of time, that's my car.
If I get caught short and I need to piss in a car,
in a bottle, then that's my car.
I can piss. It's not like I'm trying to spill any.
I barely spilled any.
-好吧 顺便一提 我是马蒂 -我知道
- OK. I'm Mattie, by the way. - I know.
The only player who signed in the transfer window.
So, Jack, can I get a lift, then?
Yeah, yeah, just going to go to the cash-and-carry.
Mattie's going to help me buy my first-ever bog roll.
I hate this. It's so embarrassing.
Bro, stealing toilet paper from work to wipe your cheeks
has got to be more embarrassing.
I can't imagine doing this all the time.
Which is why we're going to buy you
enough toilet paper to last until you're 30,
by which time, I assume, you'll be married.
-希望如此 -你现在多大 21吗
- Hope so. - So you're now, what, 21?
-没错 刚21 -那就是九年
- Yeah, just. - So that's nine years.
一年52周 假设一周两卷 就是104卷
52 weeks in a year. Let's say two rolls a week. 104.
104 times 9. What's that?
Joking, aren't you?
It's 936. So all you need to do is buy 936 rolls.
-好吧 快点 -兄弟 这太惨了
- Fine, just be quick. - Bro, this is tragic.
I'm glad my new girlfriend don't shop here.
You got a girlfriend, Mattie?
-我吗 没有 -单身 情场高手
- Me? No. - Single, yeah? Playa!
So when was the last time you got some action, then?
Well, if by action you mean sex, then, I guess, probably 2017.
- What?! - The year 2017.
- Yeah. - So you're a virgin?
No, because I've had sex.
But it's been so long, you're basically a virgin.
It's binary. Virgin or not virgin.
Or born-again virgin.
It's a self-imposed dry patch.
I've been focusing on my career.
- Jack Turner? - Er, yeah.
I saw you play the other day against Sunderland in the cup.
- Yeah. - You were absolutely diabolical.
You strolled around, half-arsing tackles.
You don't care about the club, about the badge.
You lot, you just get it handed to you,
massive wages, easy life.
Turn up... not bothered.
You, sir, have no idea what you're talking about.
I've supported this team for 25 years.
I have watched and suffered as people like him destroy this club.
You've suffered? You've suffered?
For years, Jack Turner
has woken up at six in the morning to train,
muscles aching from the day before.
Most men his age are out drinking,
eating junk food, having fun.
But every night he goes to bed sober.
He sacrifices a normal life to entertain you.
Yes, he gets paid well,
but his career could be ended by one bad tackle
and he has to take abuse from fans
even when he's out buying...
936 rolls of toilet paper.
936 rolls of toilet paper.
I can guarantee Jack wants to win
more than you, more than any supporter,
because for him it's not just entertainment,
it's his whole life.
You were still shit.
What a prick.
-是啊 但评价很中肯 -什么
- Yeah, fair comment, though. - What?
Was shit in that game, like.
I'd been up all night playing Fortnite.
我的天哪 看 看
Oh, my gosh. Look, look, look.
- Over there. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's Jack Turner.
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