有趣 别改啊 皮蒂
Priceless. Don't change, Petey.
听我说
No, listen, right?
成绩很差 但他们12点就结束训练
Results are terrible and they finish training at 12.
他们每天都干什么 加强训练啊
What do they do all day? Train more.
-如果他们受伤了呢 -别受伤
- And what if they get injured? - Don't get injured.
如果有薪水这么高的工作
I wouldn't mind doing a job
哪怕只上半天班 我都愿意去
where I do half a day's work on their wages.
等一下 杰克
Excuse me! Jack!
别这样 朋友 我需要这些
Now, come on, mate, please. I need them.
那你自己去买♥♥
Then buy your own.
你有钱
You've got the money.
-一切都好吗 -挺好的
- Everything OK? - Yeah, yeah, fine.
他抓住了我
He caught me.
-你偷了厕纸 -是借
- You were stealing toilet paper. - Borrowing.
我觉得厕纸不能借
I'm not sure you can borrow toilet paper.
你家里没有吗
Have you not got any at home?
没有 我不买♥♥ 买♥♥很尴尬
No, I don't buy it. It's embarrassing, innit?
如果有人看到我了呢
What if someone saw me?
他们可能会想
They might think that,
你和其他人一样 你会排泄
like every other human on Earth, you excrete.
没错 很尴尬
Exactly. Embarrassing.
杰克 你是说
Jack, are you telling me you've
你从来不买♥♥厕纸吗 网购也不买♥♥
never bought toilet paper, not even online?
老兄 这样更糟糕
Oh, mate, that's way worse.
一个陌生人到你家来 带着一大箱厕纸
A stranger coming to your house with a big box of shit paper.
既然我们刚认识 这个问题可能很奇怪
This might seem like a weird question as we've just met,
你在哪里拉屎 杰克
but where are you pooing, then, Jack?
一般在单位
Usually at work.
有时候我会用正在维修的那间
Sometimes I use the disabled bogs for a treat,
但我今天还没感觉
but I weren't feeling it today.
好吧 如果我越界了请告诉我
OK. Tell me if I'm crossing a line here,
你用不用我帮你
but do you want me to help you,
帮一个成年人买♥♥厕纸
a grown man, buy some toilet paper?
好啊
Yeah.
好 如果你愿意就可以
Yeah, you can do, if you like.
我的车停在停车场
My car's parked in the car park.
这里是停车场
And this is the car park.
停车场
-杰克 -我在
- Yo, Jack! - Yes, mate.
周六比赛还有余票吗 我需要一张
Got a spare ticket for Saturday? I need one.
我手里的两张还在
Both of mine are going free.
-我没有人可以... -太好了
- I don't have anyone to... - Nice one. Cheers.
要让照片墙上的这个美女体验最愉快的时光
Going to show this Instagram hottie the time of her life.
你的票都去哪了
What have you done with your tickets?
-都给警♥察♥了 -做公益吗
- Gave them to the Old Bill. - Charity?
算是吧
Sort of.
你现在要去干什么
What are you doing now, then?
我妈三个小时内不会来接我
Mum's not picking me up for the next three hours.
你还用你妈妈接你吗
Oh, your mom still picks you up?
一般来说她比较可靠
She's normally more reliable than this.
-为什么不打车 -我打不了 因为...
- Why not get an Uber? - I can't, because...
这太不公平了
And it's so unfair...
他们不来接我 因为我评分太低
They won't pick me up, cos my rating's so low.
我从没听说过
I've never heard of that.
我预定了一辆车 对吗
I book the car, right?
所以在这段时间里 这是我的车
So for that amount of time, that's my car.
如果事态紧急 我需要在车里小便
If I get caught short and I need to piss in a car,
尿到瓶子里 这是我的车
in a bottle, then that's my car.
我就可以小便 我又没想洒出来
I can piss. It's not like I'm trying to spill any.
我一点都没撒出来
I barely spilled any.
-好吧 顺便一提 我是马蒂 -我知道
- OK. I'm Mattie, by the way. - I know.
唯一一个在转会市场签约的球员
The only player who signed in the transfer window.
所以杰克 你能载我一程吗
So, Jack, can I get a lift, then?
好 正准备去现货自运店
Yeah, yeah, just going to go to the cash-and-carry.
马蒂要帮我买♥♥第一卷厕纸
Mattie's going to help me buy my first-ever bog roll.
我不喜欢这样 太尴尬了
I hate this. It's so embarrassing.
兄弟 从单位偷厕纸擦屁♥股♥
Bro, stealing toilet paper from work to wipe your cheeks
肯定会更尴尬
has got to be more embarrassing.
我一直不敢想象来买♥♥厕纸
I can't imagine doing this all the time.
所以我们要给你买♥♥足够的厕纸
Which is why we're going to buy you
够你用到30岁
enough toilet paper to last until you're 30,
我猜你那时候已经结婚了
by which time, I assume, you'll be married.
-希望如此 -你现在多大 21吗
- Hope so. - So you're now, what, 21?
-没错 刚21 -那就是九年
- Yeah, just. - So that's nine years.
一年52周 假设一周两卷 就是104卷
52 weeks in a year. Let's say two rolls a week. 104.
104乘以9 得多少
104 times 9. What's that?
你在开玩笑吧
Joking, aren't you?
是936 所以你需要买♥♥936卷
It's 936. So all you need to do is buy 936 rolls.
-好吧 快点 -兄弟 这太惨了
- Fine, just be quick. - Bro, this is tragic.
幸好我的新女友不在这里购物
I'm glad my new girlfriend don't shop here.
你有女朋友吗 马蒂
You got a girlfriend, Mattie?
-我吗 没有 -单身 情场高手
- Me? No. - Single, yeah? Playa!
你上次活动是什么时候
So when was the last time you got some action, then?
如果你说的"活动"指的是性♥爱♥ 那应该是2017年
Well, if by action you mean sex, then, I guess, probably 2017.
-什么 -2017年
- What?! - The year 2017.
-对 -所以你还是处♥男♥
- Yeah. - So you're a virgin?
不是 因为我有过性♥爱♥
No, because I've had sex.
但很久了 所以你算是处♥男♥
But it's been so long, you're basically a virgin.
不算吧
Not really.
这是两面的 处♥男♥或非处♥男♥
It's binary. Virgin or not virgin.
还有重生处♥男♥
Or born-again virgin.
没有性生活是我自愿的
It's a self-imposed dry patch.
我要专注于职业生涯
I've been focusing on my career.
-杰克·特纳 -是我
- Jack Turner? - Er, yeah.
我那天看到了联赛上和桑德兰队的比赛
I saw you play the other day against Sunderland in the cup.
-是吗 -你就是个魔鬼
- Yeah. - You were absolutely diabolical.
你到处溜达 断球懒散
You strolled around, half-arsing tackles.
你不在乎俱乐部 不在乎臂章
You don't care about the club, about the badge.
你们这些人 什么东西都送到了你们手上
You lot, you just get it handed to you,
高昂薪水 简单生活
massive wages, easy life.
结果你却不为所动
Turn up... not bothered.
先生 你根本不知道你在说什么
You, sir, have no idea what you're talking about.
我支持这支队伍25年了
I've supported this team for 25 years.
我忍♥受着他这种人毁掉这支俱乐部
I have watched and suffered as people like him destroy this club.
你忍♥受着
You've suffered? You've suffered?
这么多年 杰克·特纳
For years, Jack Turner
顶着前一天训练导致的肌肉酸痛
has woken up at six in the morning to train,
早晨六点起床训练
muscles aching from the day before.
他这个年龄的人都出去喝酒
Most men his age are out drinking,
吃垃圾食品 愉快地玩耍
eating junk food, having fun.
但他每天睡前都是清醒的
But every night he goes to bed sober.
他牺牲了正常生活来取悦你们
He sacrifices a normal life to entertain you.
没错 他的薪水很高
Yes, he gets paid well,
但一个断球失误 他的职业生涯就有可能报废
but his career could be ended by one bad tackle
他还得忍♥受粉丝的辱骂
and he has to take abuse from fans
哪怕只是出来买♥♥...
even when he's out buying...
936卷厕纸
936 rolls of toilet paper.
936卷厕纸
936 rolls of toilet paper.
我可以保证 杰克比你
I can guarantee Jack wants to win
比任何支持者都想赢球
more than you, more than any supporter,
因为对他来说 这不是娱乐
because for him it's not just entertainment,
这是他的生活
it's his whole life.
你还是很烂
You were still shit.
真混♥蛋♥
What a prick.
-是啊 但评价很中肯 -什么
- Yeah, fair comment, though. - What?
那场比赛踢得很烂
Was shit in that game, like.
我打了一晚上堡垒之夜
I'd been up all night playing Fortnite.
我的天哪 看 看
Oh, my gosh. Look, look, look.
-那边 -我的天
- Over there. - Oh, my God.
我的天 是杰克·特纳
Oh, my God, it's Jack Turner.
不可能吧 杰克