No way, Jack.
- Are you in the team Saturday? - Yeah.
等等 这些厕纸是怎么回事 杰克
Wait, what's with all the toilet roll, Jack?
Have you got a bum problem, Jack?
对 你屁♥股♥有问题吗 杰克
Yeah, have you got a bum problem Jack?
What do you need all this for? You got poo problems?
-不 他要憋不住了 -看...
- Oh, no, he's going to poo himself. - Look at...
Oh, he's embarrassed.
Fucking told you.
Gonna poo himself!
- That's exactly what I was worried about. - Come on.
Who cares? They're just kids.
Kids who think you've got a bum problem, which is embarrassing.
They filmed it too. Oh, no!
听着 杰克 这不尴尬
Look, Jack, it's not embarrassing.
你拉屎 大家都拉屎 这不奇怪
You poo, everyone poos. It's not weird.
It's not like you're Petey and
you've got a windsock for a foreskin.
Look, I'll go and I'll talk to them
and just ask them not to share it.
OK, well, probably haven't got that many followers anyway.
Whoa! Nice house, Jack.
You just move in?
Yeah, about two years ago.
Oh, shit. I'd best text the landlord.
To change a light bulb?
Yeah, of course.
Can I get a glass of water?
Water in the tap.
- No glasses? - No.
This is what you guys do all day?
- Play PlayStation? - Normally, yeah.
Well, in Kansas, they'd fill our time for us,
like we'd have double training sessions or study.
Of course, we do a lot of charity work.
We do charity stuff all the time.
Always visiting the kids at the hospital.
I swear I know every single sick kid within 50 miles.
The maddest thing is, they only care about the star names.
They don't care about up-and-coming talent.
Last time I went, that kid literally rolled his eyes at me.
I think that was a seizure.
-好吧 -我的天 你也太有趣了 杰克
- Yeah. - My days! You're butters on this, Jack.
Yeah, I e-mailed them about it.
Fuck me, you're slow!
我是说 你也很慢 但没这么慢
I mean, you are slow but not that slow.
Yeah, so slow I made the
squad for the game tomorrow and you never.
Yeah, well, I don't mind sitting in the stands
if I'm sitting next to a smoking-hot Insta-chick.
Wow, she is so disproportionately attractive compared to you.
Yeah, at the game she'll get the full VIP treatment
and then after the game she'll get the full V-I-penis treatment.
Round your mum's house?
No. No, no, no. No.
Getting some fresh wheels delivered tomorrow.
Going to drive her home. Perfect gent.
And then she's going to be like,
"Want to come in for some coffee, Benji?"
我会说 "我只喝无咖♥啡♥因♥的 宝贝"
I'm going to be like, "Only if it's decaf, babes.
"Sleep's important for recovery."
And then she's going to be like, "I meant come in for sex."
我会说 "那我就进来了 宝贝"
Then I'm going to say, "Don't mind if I do, babes.
"Don't mind if I do."
And there you have it.
A night of Mum-free sex.
As opposed to the usual Mum-included sex?
You know, I've been meaning to ask you guys something,
and don't take this as a weakness on my part,
but do you think that Cesare might have signed me by mistake?
Don't know. I mean, how shit are you?
Tricky for me to answer.
I mean, I am a professional footballer, so there's that.
Maybe the scouts see something.
Check his stats on FIFA.
Kansas. Oh, they're bad.
Erm, Matthew Sullivan, where are you?
No, you're not there. No card.
What? Must be an old version.
- It's FIFA 20. - Or you haven't updated it yet.
Updated it this morning.
You don't exist on FIFA? Is that even possible?
- I think I really need to talk to Cesare. - Yes!
-抽射死角 -别吹了 赶紧跳过
- Bow! Top bins! - Oh, come on, just press the button.
No, I need to see the replay and the full celebration.
Just press it, will you?
Huge game for Cesare's men
if they want to avoid losing four home games on the bounce.
We've got to win this.
Every game is huge for us now.
It's a must-win.
加油 队员们 加油
Come on, boys. Come on!
Can you see what Cesare's doing?
能啊 管理队伍 这是场比赛
Yes, managing a team. It's a match.
Those notes in those books.
God, I would love to know what he's writing in them.
"Don't sign Mattie Sullivan"
"he's not even on FIFA."
Did you guys have to wear uniform?
Looks like I'm on day release.
We're skiving off. Don't tell anyone.
杰克 换衣服 该你上了
Jack, get stripped. You're on.
-加油 -加油 杰克
- Yes, go on, boy. - Yes, Jack.
Come on, Jack!
Coming on, number 16, Jack Turner.
Jack Turner, just on,
and his first touch is to take this corner.
? He shits when he wants ?
? He shits all the time ?
? Jack Turner ?
? What's wrong with his arse? ?
? Bog roll, bog roll ?
? Bog roll ?
?厕纸 厕纸 厕纸?
? Bog roll, bog roll, bog roll... ?
And the fans must be wondering
what's happening at this club.
What's one more loss, eh?
I genuinely hate this team.
We go again! Come on!
Er, guys, is the boss here?
Did you tell some kids I've got a long foreskin?
Yes, to illustrate a point.
I can't really...
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