No way, Jack.
-你在周六的首发名单里吗 -对
- Are you in the team Saturday? - Yeah.
等等 这些厕纸是怎么回事 杰克
Wait, what's with all the toilet roll, Jack?
你屁♥股♥有问题吗 杰克
Have you got a bum problem, Jack?
对 你屁♥股♥有问题吗 杰克
Yeah, have you got a bum problem Jack?
你弄这么多干什么 你拉屎有问题吗
What do you need all this for? You got poo problems?
-不 他要憋不住了 -看...
- Oh, no, he's going to poo himself. - Look at...
他好尴尬
Oh, he's embarrassed.
该死 我都告诉过你了
Fucking told you.
他要憋不住了
Gonna poo himself!
-这就是我所担心的 -拜托
- That's exactly what I was worried about. - Come on.
谁在乎呢 他们就是孩子
Who cares? They're just kids.
认为你屁♥股♥有问题的孩子 确实很尴尬
Kids who think you've got a bum problem, which is embarrassing.
他们还录像了 不
They filmed it too. Oh, no!
听着 杰克 这不尴尬
Look, Jack, it's not embarrassing.
你拉屎 大家都拉屎 这不奇怪
You poo, everyone poos. It's not weird.
你又不是皮蒂
It's not like you're Petey and
有风向袋那么长的包皮
you've got a windsock for a foreskin.
我过去和他们谈谈
Look, I'll go and I'll talk to them
让他们不要发出去
and just ask them not to share it.
30秒后
反正他们也没多少粉丝
OK, well, probably haven't got that many followers anyway.
房♥子很棒 杰克
Whoa! Nice house, Jack.
你才搬进来吗
You just move in?
对 两年之前吧
Yeah, about two years ago.
该死 我得给房♥东发短♥信♥
Oh, shit. I'd best text the landlord.
换个灯泡吗
To change a light bulb?
当然
Yeah, of course.
我能喝杯水吗
Can I get a glass of water?
水在水龙头里
Water in the tap.
-没有杯子吗 -没有
- No glasses? - No.
你们每天就干这个吗
This is what you guys do all day?
-玩游戏机 -一般是这样
- Play PlayStation? - Normally, yeah.
在堪萨斯 他们安排我们的时间
Well, in Kansas, they'd fill our time for us,
比如双重训练计划 或者学习
like we'd have double training sessions or study.
当然我们也要做很多慈善活动
Of course, we do a lot of charity work.
我们一直在做慈善
We do charity stuff all the time.
总是去医院里看孩子
Always visiting the kids at the hospital.
我发誓我认识周围80公里以内的所有病孩子
I swear I know every single sick kid within 50 miles.
最让人生气的是 他们只在乎球星
The maddest thing is, they only care about the star names.
不在乎有前途的新秀
They don't care about up-and-coming talent.
上次我去的时候 那孩子对我翻了个白眼
Last time I went, that kid literally rolled his eyes at me.
我觉得那是癫痫
I think that was a seizure.
-好吧 -我的天 你也太有趣了 杰克
- Yeah. - My days! You're butters on this, Jack.
对 我给他们发过邮件了
Yeah, I e-mailed them about it.
去你的吧 你真慢
Fuck me, you're slow!
我是说 你也很慢 但没这么慢
I mean, you are slow but not that slow.
是啊 我虽然很慢
Yeah, so slow I made the
但我在明天的名单里 而你从未入选
squad for the game tomorrow and you never.
如果我身边有名网红
Yeah, well, I don't mind sitting in the stands
我不介意坐在看台上
if I'm sitting next to a smoking-hot Insta-chick.
和你比起来 她真是太有魅力了
Wow, she is so disproportionately attractive compared to you.
对 比赛中她会得到贵宾级待遇
Yeah, at the game she'll get the full VIP treatment
比赛结束后会有"贵宾鸡"待遇
and then after the game she'll get the full V-I-penis treatment.
在你妈妈的房♥子里吗
Round your mum's house?
不 不是
No. No, no, no. No.
明天会弄来一辆新车
Getting some fresh wheels delivered tomorrow.
把她送回家 像个绅士
Going to drive her home. Perfect gent.
她会说
And then she's going to be like,
"想去喝杯咖啡吗 本杰"
"Want to come in for some coffee, Benji?"
我会说 "我只喝无咖♥啡♥因♥的 宝贝"
I'm going to be like, "Only if it's decaf, babes.
"睡眠对恢复很重要"
"Sleep's important for recovery."
她就会说 "我是说进来做♥爱♥"
And then she's going to be like, "I meant come in for sex."
我会说 "那我就进来了 宝贝"
Then I'm going to say, "Don't mind if I do, babes.
"那我就进来了"
"Don't mind if I do."
这就成了
And there you have it.
没有妈妈的性♥爱♥
A night of Mum-free sex.
意思是平时都有妈妈
As opposed to the usual Mum-included sex?
我一直想问你们点事
You know, I've been meaning to ask you guys something,
别认为这是我的弱点
and don't take this as a weakness on my part,
但你们认为切萨雷可能是误签了我吗
but do you think that Cesare might have signed me by mistake?
不知道 你是有多烂
Don't know. I mean, how shit are you?
我很难回答
Tricky for me to answer.
我是个职业球员 这是前提
I mean, I am a professional footballer, so there's that.
可能球探看出了你的才华
Maybe the scouts see something.
查查他在《足球世界》上的评分
Check his stats on FIFA.
白帽足球队
多伦多足球俱乐部
堪萨斯城竞技
堪萨斯 他们好烂
Kansas. Oh, they're bad.
马修·苏利文 你在哪儿
Erm, Matthew Sullivan, where are you?
没有你 没有你的卡
No, you're not there. No card.
什么 肯定是老版本
What? Must be an old version.
-这是《足球世界2020》 -或者你还没更新
- It's FIFA 20. - Or you haven't updated it yet.
早上刚更新过
Updated it this morning.
《足球世界》里面都没有你 这可能吗
You don't exist on FIFA? Is that even possible?
-我觉得我要和切萨雷谈谈 -太好了
- I think I really need to talk to Cesare. - Yes!
-抽射死角 -别吹了 赶紧跳过
- Bow! Top bins! - Oh, come on, just press the button.
不 我要看完回放和庆祝动作
No, I need to see the replay and the full celebration.
快跳过吧
Just press it, will you?
没错 就是明天
Yeah. Tomorrow.
比赛日
14:45
对切萨雷的队员来说 这场比赛意义重大
Huge game for Cesare's men
如果他们不想连续输掉四场主场比赛的话
if they want to avoid losing four home games on the bounce.
这场我们必须赢
We've got to win this.
现在每场比赛对我们来说都很关键
Every game is huge for us now.
必须赢
It's a must-win.
加油 队员们 加油
Come on, boys. Come on!
裁判
Ref?!
你个龟孙儿
You knobhead.
你能看到切萨雷在做什么吗
Can you see what Cesare's doing?
能啊 管理队伍 这是场比赛
Yes, managing a team. It's a match.
笔记本上的那些笔记
Those notes in those books.
天哪 我真的想知道他写了什么
God, I would love to know what he's writing in them.
"别签马蒂·苏利文"
"Don't sign Mattie Sullivan"
"《足球世界》里都没有他"
"he's not even on FIFA."
你们必须穿制♥服♥吗
Did you guys have to wear uniform?
我看起来就像休假的一样
Looks like I'm on day release.
我们是溜走的 别告诉别人
We're skiving off. Don't tell anyone.
杰克 换衣服 该你上了
Jack, get stripped. You're on.
-加油 -加油 杰克
- Yes, go on, boy. - Yes, Jack.
加油 杰克
Come on, Jack!
上场的是16号♥ 杰克·特纳
Coming on, number 16, Jack Turner.
杰克·特纳 刚刚上场
Jack Turner, just on,
他第一次触球是来发这个角球
and his first touch is to take this corner.
?他想拉就拉?
? He shits when he wants ?
?他一直在拉?
? He shits all the time ?
?杰克·特纳?
? Jack Turner ?
?他的屁♥股♥怎么了?
? What's wrong with his arse? ?
?厕纸 厕纸?
? Bog roll, bog roll ?
?厕纸?
? Bog roll ?
?厕纸 厕纸 厕纸?
? Bog roll, bog roll, bog roll... ?
粉丝们肯定在想
And the fans must be wondering
这家俱乐部到底怎么了
what's happening at this club.
不过是一场失败
What's one more loss, eh?
我真的很讨厌这支球队
I genuinely hate this team.
我们再战一场 加油
We go again! Come on!
各位 老大在这里吗
Er, guys, is the boss here?
该死
Ow! Fu...
你是不是跟那些小孩说我的包皮很长
Did you tell some kids I've got a long foreskin?
对 为了阐明我的观点
Yes, to illustrate a point.
我真的不能
I can't really...
至少你这次不是裸着的