This is the story of my family -- the O'neals.
We just came from church.
As always, we're on our best behavior,
and that's 100% due to my mom, Eileen.
Kenny. Four on the floor.
Yep. I'm the rebel.
What a lovely family.
What I can get for you, sir?
Jimmy will have the skinless chicken breast
With the steamed broccoli.
He has to make weight for his wrestling match.
- 那么你呢 先... - 我先生要一份
- And for you, si... - My husband will have the salmon
with a lemon wedge.
Can't have meat and potatoes for every meal.
Not till I'm in heaven.
Also, could you donate your tips to poor children in Ethiopia?
Shannon, honey, don't be pushy.
Karen needs to make her own moral decisions.
It's her soul that's going to hell
If she doesn't give you money.
My shift just started.
My mom always told us to behave as if jesus were watching.
What are you getting, Kenny?
Uh, she usually just orders for me, so...
I'm gonna let her order for me, too,
But then I'm just gonna turn it into whatever I want.
Mm. That's the life.
Jesus wasn't really there, you guys,
But you get it.
We were different than other families.
But I was about to change all that.
We were gonna go from this...
Use your core. Use your core!
They're coming for us!
Shannon is doing nothing!
Oh, where the hell is the car?!
The wheels started to fall off
The night before our church's biggest fundraiser ...
My mom was chair of the event.
It combined two of the things she loved the most ...
Serving the church and having everyone watch her do it.
That is how you make
an easy nine-finger articulated medallion bow.
My dad was bringing home the mother of all donations
and the donation my mother cared about most of all...
A ride-along with the chicago P.D.
I didn't get the ride-along.
What?! Why not?
明显是因为 上次的巡逻之后 咱们被起诉了
Because apparently, we're being sued after the last one.
You think you're so tough up there?
Why? 'cause you're protected by this cage?
Well, I'm-a find you, dentist!
I'm-a find you, I'm-a kill you!
Don't listen to him. He's a drama queen.
You think I'm playin', son?!
What about the silent auction?
The ride-along was our big-ticket item.
Now we don't have our big-ticket item.
I didn't get to be chair of the bingo bonanza
by losing my cool.
Pat. Since you couldn't get the ride-along,
I think there's something else we could auction off.
Not my canoe!
We've had this thing for seven years,
and it's never even touched water.
But it could.
And look, I hope this doesn't sound too extreme,
but this canoe symbolizes all my hopes and dreams.
I bet we could get 3 grand for it.
Let's talk about it.
We never talk about things, and then I end up
Getting railroaded into giving up my canoe.
But I invited the bishop to bingo bonanza.
I was hoping that he'd see how generous we are
and then he'd write a recommendation
for Jimmy to go to notre dame
So he wouldn't end up living with us
For the rest of his life because he's a little dumb.
That's Irish-Catholic jedi mind control.
This is tremendous.
Eileen, I'd like to honor all your hard work
By featuring the o'neals in the church bulletin.
So do you have a recent family photo?
Of course I do.
I'll get you a flash drive.
Okay. While father Phil was looking through
1,000 of the exact same photos,
I was in my bedroom with my handsy girlfriend, mimi.
I love Peta.
We have been dating for six months,
and you have never once pressured me to have sex.
Which is why I want to have sex.
Uh, b-but father Phil is downstairs,
and he's wearing his collar.
I don't care. I'm half-jewish.
Uh, that's 48 condoms.
12 didn't seem like enough.
Are you sure you understand how they work?
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Where are you going?
To put one of these on.
But you can do that in here.
I want to make an entrance, so...
I can do this.
I can do this.
What's the problem?
Why am I so nervous?
I don't know. Why do you think?
What are you doing in my mirror, shirtless cologne model?
You tell me.
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