The computer got a porn virus. If mom opens it ...
What is on the computer will literally melt her face off.
Like at the end of "Indiana jones."
对 但你知道 纳粹更少而且古铜色化妆多得多
Right, but, you know, with fewer nazis and way more bronzer.
I'm sorry. this is really funny for me.
Horrible for you and mom, though. Totally see that.
We got to get it back before she opens it.
Okay, where did she go?
Ooh, she's on an internet date.
- 啥... 这就去了? - 啥?
- Wh... already? - What?
擦 我妈绝对得杀了我 我要孤独至死了
Great, I'm gonna die alone and mom is killing it.
她已经在约会了? 这真是 不
She's already dating? That's no.
This... this is too soon.
What would she even wear on a date?
She's got regular khakis and capri khakis.
- 其他啥衣服都没有 - 真的假的?
- Like, that's it. - Really?
Why would mom take a computer on a date?
Well, she's pretty dumb about computers.
She might think an internet date
Means you actually have to be on the internet.
We have to get it back
before mom opens it - in front of some strange guy
who thinks that mom is into four guys trying to ...
- 哈喽? - 嗨
- Hello? - Hi.
怎么样呀 亲爱的? 最近好么?
What is up, girlfriend? How are you?
How are you?
额 就在做一些小差事 怎么了?
Uh, just running a couple errands. What's up?
额 你知道的 我需要电脑来处理一些学校的事
Uh, you know, I really need the computer for some school stuff.
I think you have it.
I do, but I'll be home in an hour.
Maybe I could just, like, come by, pick it up?
Where are you precisely?
Um, I'm pretty far.
Trying out a new dry-cleaner a few towns over.
She's having a life of her own for once.
Stop hounding her.
We have to get the computer back.
Wait, who has the "Find my mac" Code?
- 咱爸 - 咱爸
- Dad. - Dad.
啥... 但咱妈在约会啊 那绝对会杀了他的
W... but mom is on a date. That'll kill him.
Well, we'll try to keep it a secret,
but if we have to choose between dad seeing mom on a date
Or mom seeing the literal bowels of the internet...
- 走啊 快走! - 好
- Go, go! - Great.
爸 你能不能再快一点 能不能?
Can you drive any faster, dad, please?
I know I should be wagging my finger at you guys,
but this reminds me of a time in high school
When I rented a little adult film
about some young ladies at a summer camp.
It got stuck in the vcr.
Gross. What's a vcr?
Dad, it's not that kind of movie.
我都懂 懂 是专属肯尼那种 但还好
I know, I get it. It's kenny's kind. But it's fine.
Still normal stuff for boys to be looking at.
不 爸 那并不一般
No, dad, this was not normal.
更高级 好嘛 就像... 就像一个"群小黄♥片♥"
It was advanced, dad. Like... like a.P. Porn.
What do you mean "Advanced"?
Well, you know that video where they cut open the shark
And a whole tire slides out?
就像那种 就是 你不可能看不见的东西
It's kind of like that. Just, like, stuff you cannot unsee.
Is that what you're into?
不 不 那才是全部的重点 爸
No. no. That's the whole point, dad.
I was watching this stuff 'cause I have no idea what I'm into,
Then I was gonna start online dating,
but then they started asking what kind of animals I like.
不不不 不 爸 不是真的动物
No, no, no, dad. Not real animals.
It's types of gay guys.
There's all sorts of terms that you have to learn.
- 可奇怪了 - 同性恋也要做功课的
- It's weird. - being gay has homework.
What kind of animal am I?
- 你是头熊 - 我是匹狼
- You're a bear. - And I'm a wolf.
- 肯尼是啥? - 他是那种又年轻又苗条的小骚受
- What's kenny? - He's a twink.
- 我是? - 嗯哼
- I am? - Mm-hmm.
That is the gayest-sounding one.
Not to be homoph... you g... you get it.
None of this matters anyway. I'm gonna die alone.
It's just... just too complicated.
嘿 这不复杂 好嘛?
Hey, it's not complicated, okay?
Just think about your ideal person.
What's he like?
Right now, I just want someone cute to smile at me.
Aww. That's adorable.
And I bet that's what mom's about to see
On the computer right about now.
Someone cute and smiling because he just...
- 爸 我们还有多远? - 拐个弯就到了
- Dad, how close are we? - Just around the corner.
听着 别担心 我会进去的
Look, don't worry. I'll go in.
If she's seen anything,
I'll just tell her she's got to accept that there are
Some new things in all of our lives now
And we have to be open to change.
额... 爸 你能这么想我很开心
Um... dad, I'm really glad you feel that way,
因为 额 如果你要进去的话
because, uh, - if you're gonna be going in,
You should probably know something.
Mom is currently on a date.
Dad, take a deep breath.
想一想 想想那些... 那些夏令营的少女
Think about the... the girls at summer camp.
How is your mom dating already?
I still have marriage eyes.
How come she doesn't have marriage eyes?
Her eyes are colder and deader than mine.
Dad, do you think you could emotionally unravel
and drive at the same time?
We know this is hard,
是的 妈妈在约会了 然后会再婚
and yes, mom's dating and will get remarried,
and our new dad will be great on the grill
and he'll use your barbecue,
and that'll hurt,
but we'll still visit you and the triplets
还有住你那湖边公♥寓♥的三胞胎的 那也不错啊 是吧?
in your condo on the lake, and that'll be nice, right?
I bet he'll teach you how to ski, too.
听着 爸爸 我知道你现在很不安
Look, dad, I realize you're upset,
but there is ... a ticking porn bomb out there.
所以 我们可不可以 你懂的 可不可以继续走
So if we could maybe, you know, just get going.
爸爸 听着 我跟你一样被这件事吓坏了 好吗?
Dad, listen, I'm as freaked out about this as you are, okay?
But ... but you're not gonna have to worry
about how things are gonna go for you out there.
You are a beautiful bear.
A-and you're gonna be just fine.
Kenny, you're attracted to guys.
Tell dad what you find attractive about him.
No...don't think that's a good idea.
爸 我... 妈妈已经开始
Dad, I ...mom was just starting
to kind of thaw - on the idea of me being gay.
If she sees what's on that computer,
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