Yeah. I never really thought about that.
It's just that it's our first time,
and I want it to be perfect.
You know what?
I got a surprise for you now.
How about you and me find a really nice hotel room?
Oh, my God, hotel sex?
That's the best kind of sex there is.
I know. Such a beautiful service.
I'll see you at the reception.
Oh, my God, that was endless.
The standing up, the sitting down.
That guy walking around throwing smoke at people.
And if I have to wait in line for a cracker,
would it kill 'em to spray a little cheese on it?
I don't know. I thought the children's choir was kind of nice.
Really? 'Cause I was hoping
a bigger choir would come and beat 'em up.
Come on. They were singing about love in Italian.
Oh, they could have been singing about linguine.
You don't know.
Are your eyes red?
Please tell me you weren't crying.
No. Just... the whole thing got to me
a little more than I thought it would.
When they took their two little candles
and lit the one big candle.
They're the one big candle now.
Sorry, I didn't notice.
At that point, I was trying
to slice my Spanx open with a nail clipper.
Hey, would it be so terrible
if we did the candle thing at our wedding?
Maybe we even get married in a church.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What happened to City Hall, Chinese food, Hawaii?
I don't know. Maybe we should do something more traditional.
The only reason I am not driving head-on into traffic
is I don't want to die in this dress.
So this room's working for you.
Was that you?
Oh, God, yes.
Still not me.
You know what? I think we've got some neighbors.
u202dWhy don't we try to tune 'em out?
Well, that guy has a gear I don't have.
I'm really sorry.
No, no, no, no, no. I get it. I get it.
That second girl got pretty loud.
So where to now?
Well, I'm gonna take us to my favorite beach.
It's really secluded and very romantic.
Oh. The beach.
I think you mean, "Oh, the beach!"
No, I-I love the beach.
I just don't love the beach naked. u202dAh.
Women are kind of like English muffins.
We have a lot of nooks and crannies.
What's going on?
Well, Christy, um...
I just got to ask.
Are you having second thoughts about this?
-什么 没有 -不不
- What? No. - u202dNo, no, no.
It-it's okay, because I-if you're not feeling right about it,
then we can wait.
No, I don't want to wait.
I just want to look back on tonight
and be like, "Aw," Not "Meh."
Well, nobody's looking for "Meh."
It's just that if the first time isn't great,
then the next time you're worried it won't be good again,
and then you're all messed up in your head,
and then the pressure's really on.
I never thought of it that way.
But I am now.
You know what? I'm being ridiculous.
Of course it's gonna be perfect,
because it's you and me.
You know what?
Let's do it right here, right now.
Ha. Well, you're-you're-you're putting a lot of pressure
on the next six minutes.
Let's take this party to the back.
You got to be back here for the party.
Yes, I know how sex works.
Are you all right?
Well, I was until you started talking about all that stuff.
How can it be perfect?
I've never been perfect.
I've been very good at best.
It's okay, Patrick.
No, it's not okay. It's not.
I-I-I can't breathe.
I-I need some air.
I changed my mind!
I'd be perfectly happy with "Meh."
How you feeling, Patrick?
Ah, pretty embarrassed, Christy.
Can I come over and visit?
This is my fault.
- I made tonight into a way bigger deal than it needed to be. - u202dNo.
I-It's not you. It's not you.
Look, I was married for 30 years
and the last five, we didn't touch each other.
And all that talk about being perfect
triggered what WebMD diagnosed
as a mild-to-moderate panic attack.
That's not sexy.
I think you're very sexy.
So, you're still interested in a middle-aged neurotic
with only one-and-a-half notches on his belt?
How 'bout this?
We go back to your place, go to sleep--
and I mean actual sleep--
and start fresh in the morning.
I love that idea.
So I'm curious.
What counts as half a notch?
I'm holding firm on my stance.
You're not supposed to take that.
They ran out of centerpieces.
And I deserve a takeaway
for the pain and suffering of this dress.
Pretty sure that's hotel property.
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