真的吗 你打算这样缠
Really? That's how you're gonna do it?
温蒂 她是监狱护士
Wendy, she's a prison nurse,
这意味着她能打伤你 还能给你缠绷带
which means she can kick your ass and bandage you up.
缠得不对
Not properly.
看我的指头 看我的指头
Follow my finger, follow my finger.
你在检查什么
What are you looking for?
不知道
I don't know.
我没事
I'm fine.
我只是被木鞋砸头了
I think I just took a clog to the head.
抱歉 它们能帮我治背疼
I'm sorry. They help me with my back pain.
不是我的错 有人推温蒂撞了我
And it wasn't my fault, someone hit me with Wendy.
天呐 我的表
Oh, my God, my watch.
我的表 有人偷了我的表
My watch. Someone stole my watch!
等等 我藏在胸罩里了
Oh wait, I hid it in my bra.
大家还好吗
Is everyone all right?
不好 她的胳膊骨折了
No, her arm is broken.
没骨折
It's not broken.
只是没缠好绷带
It's just poorly bandaged.
我们只是在试图帮助一些酒瘾者
We were just trying to help some alcoholics.
有人丢了耳环吗
Oh, hey. Anyone lose an earring?
是颗牙齿
Ah! It's a tooth!
极品老妈 第五季第十七集
你们能告诉我这里到底发生了什么吗
Can you tell me exactly what happened here?
请一个一个说
One at a time, please.
好的
Okay, okay.
我为你的犯人们组织了一场互助会
I organized an AA meeting for your inmates
我们都很高兴下午能来这里
and we were all very excited to be here this afternoon.
天呐 我们为什么要做这个
Oh, God, why do we have to do this?
亚当和我有计划的
Adam and I had plans.
去做什么啊
To do what?
不做这个就行
Anything but this.
为什么非让我开车
And how did I get roped into driving?
我应该在后排为法考复习
I should be in the back seat studying for the LSATs.
相信我 你不想挤在
Hmm. Trust me, you do not want be crammed
后排小座位的
in this little back seat.
这里就像一个红牛坟场
It's like a Red Bull graveyard back here.
我更喜欢称之为 无瘾可♥卡♥因♥
Or as I like to call it, sober cocaine.
我们为什么不开你的车
Why didn't we take your car?
空间大 而且有百老汇台
It's roomy and it has the Broadway Channel.
要是那些坏人看到我开着路虎来
Those crooks see me pull up in my Range Rover,
转眼之间我就会变成穿着撕裂上衣的人♥质♥
next thing you know I'm a hostage with a torn blouse
为了活下去做尽一切肮脏之事
doing whatever it takes to survive.
继续说
Go on.
吉尔 房♥间里有警卫
Jill, there's guards in the room.
我们没事的
We'll be fine.
有警卫的吧 玛乔丽
There will be guards, right, Marjorie?
有 而且我们几个月前就同意做这事了
Yes, and we all agreed to do this panel months ago.
只是因为你很老 我们以为你会忘掉
Only because you're old and we assumed you'd forget.
妈妈 如果你能记起我们的电♥话♥号♥码
Mom, I'll give you a hundred bucks
我会给你一百美元
if you remember our phone number.
5...什么的吧
Five... something.
我只是不知道我能贡献什么
I just don't know what I have to offer.
一群罪犯才不会对我的故事产生共鸣
A bunch of convicts aren't gonna relate to my story:
某个有钱的婊♥子♥去了四次高档康复中心戒瘾
some rich bitch who went to four fancy rehabs to get sober.
只会让她们生气的
It's just gonna make 'em angry.
我就很生气
It makes me angry.
和这些女人分享我们的恢复过程是很重要的
Look, it's important to share our recovery with these women.
我第一次参加互助会就是在监狱里
The first meeting I ever went to was when I was in prison.
谁知道呢 你们今天或许会改变某人的生活
Who knows, you can change someone's life today.
我们也可以假装她们生活很好 然后回家
Or we could assume their lives are fine and just go home.
我很期待和她们说话
I'm excited to talk to them.
我甚至想了几个打破尴尬的笑话
I even came up with a few jokes to break the ice.
-两个连环杀手坐在一艘独木舟里... -停
- So these two serial killers are in a canoe... - Stop.
我可不想因为你想当脱口秀主持而被刀
I am not getting shivved because you want to be Jimmy Kimmel.
不是被"刀" 而是被"捅"
You don't get "Shivved," You get "Shanked.
刀是用来捅你的
A shiv is a thing you get shanked with.
你是被刀捅的
You get shanked with a shiv.
不好意思
Excuse me.
你能讲重点吗
Can you move the story along?
抱歉 只是想告诉你前因后果
I'm sorry, I'm just trying to give you context.
玛乔丽
Marjorie,
我来说吧
let me take it from here.
我们到了这里
We arrived, ate a bowl
吃了一碗灰色物质配玉米面包
of something gray with cornbread.
然后我们开始为囚犯办互助会
Then we started the panel for the inmates.
温蒂用笑话冷了场
Wendy bombed with her jokes.
他们情绪逐渐高涨
Hey, they were starting to warm up.
有人朝你吐了痰
Someone spit on you.
然后克丽丝蒂说了往常的
Then Christy did her usual
"恨我妈 要当律师"那一套
"Hate my mom, gonna be a lawyer" Deal,
然后轮到我分享我的故事了
then it was my turn to share my story.
那个根本不是你的故事
Which wasn't your story at all.
好吧 我也许开始不太顺
All right, I may have gotten off to a rocky start.
我不想说谎
I'm not gonna lie,
当穷♥人♥太难了
it's just so hard being poor.
打四份工
Jugglin' four jobs
在四个工作地点
at four different job places.
好吧 我自己都不相信刚说的话
Okay, even I didn't believe what I just said.
事实是 我很有钱 我都不知道
Truth is, I'm rich. Like, "I don't even know
一条面包多少钱
how much a loaf of bread costs" Rich.
但那么多钱都没法阻止我复喝
But all that money couldn't keep me from using.
我最近毁了三年的戒瘾
I recently threw away three years of sobriety.
我在我豪♥宅♥的每个屋子都喝了酒
I was drinking in every room of my big, fancy house,
包括健身房♥
including the gym.
健身脚踏车上很难睡
It's real hard to crash a stationary bike,
但还是能睡的
but it can be done.
现在我戒了一个多月
Now I've got a little over a month
时刻都在小心翼翼
and I'm holding on for dear life.
我不知道你们是否能懂
I'm not sure if that makes sense to any of you,
但这就是我的故事
but that's my story.
谢谢
Thank you.
应该跳过健身房♥那部分的
Shoulda skipped the part about the gym.
为什么 他们这里也有健身房♥的
Why? They got a gym here.
首先 我要为温蒂"吸引观众"的笑话道歉
First, let me apologize for Wendy's "Captive audience" Joke.
她不常出门
She doesn't get out much.
但应该比你们出的多
Well, probably more than you.
笑话应该这样讲
That's how it's done.
总之 我是邦妮 我是个酒瘾者
Anyway, I'm Bonnie and I'm an alcoholic.
-你好 邦妮 -邦妮·普兰科特
- Hi, Bonnie. - Bonnie Plunkett?
你毁了我的人生
You ruined my life!
代号♥三 休息室
Code three, rec room.
天啊
Oh, God.
天啊 我要死在
Oh, my God! I'm gonna die
一所女子监狱里了
in a women's prison!
你怎么会认识塔米·迪芬多夫
Well, how do you know Tammy Diffendorf?
我不认识 我一辈子没见过她
I don't. I have never seen her before in my life.
但她知道你名字
But she knew your name
并且说要杀了你
and said she wanted to kill you.
我妈妈比你想的更常遇到这种事
My mom gets that more often than you think.
你想起诉吗
Do you want to press charges?
我的痛苦和苦难
Would there be any monetary compensation
会有金钱补偿吗
for my pain and suffering?
没有
No.
不起诉
Pass.
我搞了互助会三十七年
37 years I've been doing these panels,
从没被椅子砸过
never once have I been hit with a chair.
你是在暗示这是我的错吗
Are you implying this is my fault?
她又没有威胁要杀我
She didn't threaten to kill me.
如果她了解你 她会的
She would if she knew you.
你真不记得她是谁了吗
You really don't remember who she is?
我说了 我不认识她