12 years old, and he's smoking pot in a Jacuzzi
like some kind of itty-bitty rapper.
Don't look at him.
And the worst part is,
he stole the weed from his father,
who lied to my face about quitting
because of his pathetic sperm count.
I know I shouldn't be gossiping about that, but I don't care.
I hope he has to keep banging that witch upside down forever.
I think what's really bothering me is
I'm just so scared that my son's gonna wind up
in one of these rooms one day,
but, you know, without headphones.
Don't look at him.
I guess that's it.
Thanks for letting me share the endless turd storm
that is my life.
Okay. Anyone else?
大家好 邦妮 酒瘾者
Hi. Bonnie, alcoholic.
And I, too, know what it's like to have a child in these rooms.
Don't look at her.
Baxter just pulled up.
Okay, what's the plan?
Simple. I'm gonna kill him,
you're gonna dispose of the body.
I never get the fun part.
I wish I thought any of this was fun.
Can be. Have you taken a moment
to consider how much leverage you have right now?
What are you talking about?
You know that he lied to his wife.
你也知道没了她 他就没工作 无家可归了
And you know that without her, he's jobless, homeless
and back to selling his sperm, which we now know is worthless.
So with that in mind,
what if you were to suggest that in exchange for your silence,
he might want to send you and your mother
to Hawaii for a week for the low price
of $1,700 per person courtesy of Travelocity?
-考艾岛 花♥园♥岛屿 -嗯
- Ooh, Kauai, the garden island. u202d- Mm-hmm.
And look, a complimentary luau
with a pig they cook in the ground.
Mmm. I've never eaten a dirty pig.
Yes, I heard it.
So what do you think?
No, this is about my son's well-being.
Not about seven days and six nights at the Sheraton Poipu Beach.
You're a better mother when you're tan.
Oh, come on!
We can swim with the dolphins!
Hey. Roscoe ready to go?
Hang out a minute. He's washing my car.
Ah, that's smart.
A little manual labor as punishment?
Yeah, shut up and sit down.
- What? - u202dYou heard her.
Everything all right?
Roscoe told us he found your stash.
There is no stash. I told you I quit.
So you're calling your son a liar?
I, uh... I guess.
Oh, man up, you sperm-less weasel!
Tell me the truth.
好吧 是我 很抱歉
Okay, it was me! I'm sorry!
You made me feel like it was my fault.
Of course I did! I'm a sperm-less weasel!
All right, now here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna call Candace and tell her the truth.
I can't do that. She'll throw me out.
Fine, then I'll tell her.
She's not gonna believe you. She hates you,
whereas I'm the man she's settling for.
That might be true.
Let's find out.
Unlocking my phone.
Scrolling through contacts.
Selecting "Big Red Nightmare"
- And it's ringing. - Tell her I said hi.
- It's Christy... - Stop, stop, stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop!
Just give me a second to explain.
I know both of you think that I'm...
Oh, my God, she's calling back.
I'll buy you a new phone!
Look, I am sorry that I threw you under the bus,
but you have to understand what my life is now.
I pretend all day long to like selling cars,
then go to my tastefully decorated home
and pretend to like barbecuing fish.
And if that's not bad enough,
I have to pretend to like listening to Adele during sex!
I can't do all of that without pot!
Please don't take it away from me.
It's the only thing that's real!
Besides the love you have for your son.
Yeah, of course. That's magical.
Please don't tell her.
I'll do anything, I swear.
Okay, listen up.
You are gonna get your pot out of the house--
all of it this time.
Then you're gonna put it in a lock box with a combination,
and then you're gonna send me a picture of that box.
You got it.
I'll do it tonight when Big Red's watching Real Housewives.
Is that it? Are we good?
One of us is good. Mom?
- Go for it? u202d- Go for it.
I'll get my laptop. Get out your credit card.
Are you in trouble with Candace?
No more than usual.
Are you in trouble with Mom?
No more than usual.
Are you mad at me?
Are you kidding? Of course not.
If anything, I should be apologizing to you.
Roscoe, you know I smoke pot.