I mean, we all love Jill very much,
but let's be honest,
she has a short attention span.
Today she wants a baby,
tomorrow she'll want a Birkin bag.
She has a Birkin bag.
Really? And all she gave me was that stupid tiara?
Wait, you guys got gifts?
I can't believe she's already picking out sperm donors.
Well, she loves shopping, it makes sense.
So, what's the plan?
I don't know, figure out a way
to talk her out of this baby craziness.
Great. What do you need from me?
Go away for about an hour and come back with dinner.
Excuse me, but I can help.
I will tell her how painful it was
when you came out of me feet first.
I came out feet first so I could run.
Okay, so I've got my donors separated into three categories:
brains, looks and good hair.
Wouldn't looks and good hair be in the same category?
Jill, maybe you should think this through
a little bit more before you start picking a donor.
Why would I want to wait when I know this is what I want to do?
Cheese and crackers!
Will you look at what they're getting for sperm?
Tell me about it. In college,
I was up to my eyeballs in the stuff,
now I got to write a check for it.
Hey, didn't you talk about going to Europe next year?
Gonna be mighty hard with a baby.
Oh, it's just a trip.
I figured Europe's been there for 300 years,
it'll be there a few more.
I'd move "Brains" to the front of the list.
I was kind of leaning towards this guy with the blue eyes.
How pretty would our daughter be?
in a master race kind of way.
What is this, Build-a-Bear?
I mean, how do you even know it's gonna be a girl?
Oh, it's easy,
they just spin the goo up in this thingie
and you get what you want.
Have you considered the possibility
that your alcoholism could be passed down to this child?
Oh, it won't be an issue. My kid's not gonna drink
and even if she does, she'll go to the best rehabs.
And we can go to meetings together, like you two.
Oh, honey, don't aim for us.
To be honest, I really am not sure that...
Oh, I almost forgot!
The doctor told me that I was gonna need someone
to give me hormone shots and go with me to my appointments.
You know, someone to be my partner in all this.
And I can't think of anybody else
I'd rather do this with than you,
'cause, well, you're my best friend.
I'm your best friend?
Of course you are.
Wow, I don't know what to say.
So you'll do it?
I'd be honored.
What are you doing?
Aw, they make cashmere onesies.
You're gonna let your baby spit up on cashmere?
Well, I won't put her in it when she's gonna spit up.
Oh, okay, good plan.
A crib in the shape of Cinderella's carriage.
What do you think?
It kind of looks like a float in a very tiny gay pride parade.
That is going on the baby registry.
Jill, it's $18,000!
No pressure, I'll have a separate shower
for my rich friends.
Sweetie, you're not even pregnant yet,
you won't need any of this stuff for a while.
And when the baby gets here,
all it needs for the first six months
are clean diapers and a boob.
Oh, I am not breastfeeding.
I googled some after pics,
did not like what I saw.
But breastfeeding is good for the baby.
Yeah, so is having a hot mom.
Thanks again for doing this with me.
Once I'm a mom, I know I'll be so happy.
Let's go see how many eggs are in this basket.
Jill, don't do this!
Don't do what?
Have a baby.
It's not what you think it is.
It's not playing dress-up
and picnics at the beach.
I mean, there are some picnics,
but just packing up the car to get there
can crush your soul.
And you will forget wipes.
Trust me, you will forget them.
Being a parent is hard.
It's exhausting and you are not cut out for it.
Why are you saying this?
You're supposed to be my best friend.
That's why I'm saying it, because I am.
You're trying to fix what happened with your mom
by having a baby and it's not gonna work.
If having a child solved all our problems,
your mother wouldn't have...
done what she did.
I never want to talk to you again.
Jill, I've been there.
I know what I'm talking about.
Just because you failed as a mother doesn't mean I will!
Give her time. I'm sure Jill will see
you were coming from a good place.
I hope so.
I really don't want to lose her as a friend.
When I got pregnant with this one,
I had a friend who didn't think it was a good idea.