Previously on Mom...
You guys hear that?
Jill's figured out what's missing in her life.
Great. What is it?
I need to have a baby.
Don't get me wrong.
I love her, but Jill is the last person in the world
who should be having a baby.
So what's the plan?
I don't know.
Figure out a way to talk her out of this baby craziness.
I will tell her how painful it was
when you came out of me feet-first.
I came out feet-first so I could run.
Jill, don't do this.
Being a parent is hard, it's exhausting,
and you are not cut out for it.
I never want to talk to you again.
I'm not sure why we're buying Jill a birthday present.
She's barely speaking to me.
Well, that's what happens when you tell someone
they're not fit to reproduce.
Do you think it's a good idea for her to have a baby?
God, no. I was gonna wait till she actually has a kid
and then talk about her behind her back, like a true friend.
Let's just find something for under a hundred bucks
so I can go to work and earn 75.
What about these gloves?
We can buy one.
Okay, let's spread out.
If you see something nice, damage it.
Maybe we'll get a break.
May I help you with something?
I'm just browsing.
Yeah, I sensed that.
Kind of a lot to spend on a piece of plastic
with a fancy name on the side.
Those are hand-carved tortoise shell with 18-karat gold hinges.
Oh. Didn't know that.
Why would you?
Really? It's kind of ugly.
It's on sale-- 80 bucks.
We would like to purchase this.
I'll ring it up.
If you're still interested in sunglasses,
there's a Walgreens down the street.
The sad thing is, we do need to go to Walgreens.
I'll buy her a tube of bitch cream.
Will that be cash or credit card?
Well, I've got eight credit cards.
Let's spin the wheel and see which one's good.
Meet you at the car, Mom.
You don't see these anymore, do you?
Blink if you're here against your will.
Can you believe that saleswoman?
Acts like she's royalty,
but you know she's eating a Blimpie for lunch.
Bet she was in a bunch of those little kid beauty pageants and never won.
Are those new?
Are you sure? I've never seen 'em.
Yeah, had 'em a while.
Just been out of the rotation.
You're gonna stick with that story,
even with the price tag still on 'em?
If you were gonna shoplift, you could've taken the scarf, too.
I just hated that woman so much.
She treated me like white trash who couldn't afford nice things.
You are, and you can't.
They are beautiful.
You look like a movie star.
Especially the ones who go crazy and steal stuff.
It's just not fair.
I work my ass off, I'm sober,
I give a penny way more than I take a penny,
and what do I get?
Drugstore sunglasses that aren't even polarized.
What does that mean exactly-- "polarized"?
I don't know, but I deserve polarized!
Save it for Judge Judy.
Your outstanding warrant is in Nevada, right?
I said drive!
You just look so small from up here on the moral high ground.
This one's from me.
Oh, thank you, Marjorie.
Oh! A book!
With no words in it.
That's what the pen is for.
Writing in a journal--
it helps you process your thoughts and feelings.
In fact, I'm gonna write that.
真 有 趣
"This... is... fun."
Here's a gift that isn't like homework.
From me and Christy.
Oh, thanks, Bonnie.
Come on. I said I'm sorry.
I'm sure you'll be a great mother.
今天是我的生日 克丽丝蒂 别抢风头
This is my birthday, Christy. Let's not make this about you.
That is a lot of color!
I'm starting to feel really bad about my gift card.
Oh, don't. I'm sure I'll love it.
Oh, Wendy, thank you!
Do you like it?
I've always wanted to go to a Best Buy.
Now I guess I have to.
The best gift is having you guys in my life.
And you, Christy.
Those new sunglasses?
Indeed they are, and they come with a story.
What's the story?
I thought I lost 'em, then I found 'em.
Not much of a story.
Nobody gets killed, nobody gets laid.