and learned that if you apply pomegranate juice,
garlic paste, walnut oil,
and then cover the mole with a kale leaf,
it'll be gone in a few hours.
Go Harry Potter on your ass.
妈妈 害怕去看医生很正常 大家都会
Mom, it's natural to be scared to go see a doctor, anyone would be.
Except me. I have science on my side.
Now come on-- tape this kale leaf to my butt.
Shiny side down,
or this is just a complete waste of time.
Just like this conversation.
Hey, on the off chance that Wiccan-pedia
doesn't do the trick,
will you please see a doctor?
For the last time, I don't need a doctor.
Now come on,
help me summon the serpent.
That's it, I'm making an appointment.
- No. - Why?
I've been a terrible person my whole life
and this is how the universe is gonna get even with me.
So you are scared.
Of course I am. Have you seen this thing?
It's big enough to claim as a dependant.
Then let's get it taken care of
and put the whole thing behind us.
You can't do that, that's not how the universe works.
Wait a minute-- you know how the universe works,
and you've been holding out on me?
The universe waits,
and then as soon as you get your life together,
boom-- something awful happens.
Oh, you poor thing.
You think you have your life together.
Tell you what, I'll make you a deal.
We'll give your witch's salad dressing
24 hours to work.
If it doesn't, we see a doctor.
Thank you. Now you're starting to make sense.
Oh, great. Now my ass smells like the Olive Garden.
Do we need cotton balls?
Never mind. I'm just gonna take 'em.
Nice karma move,
stealing from the free clinic.
Says the woman who swiped three Us Weeklies
from the waiting room.
It's the only crossword I can do.
Okay, Ms. Plunkett,
I see you have an unwelcome guest on your posterior.
Please drop your pants and bend over.
Not the first time a man has said that to you, huh, Mom?
Oh, that's very good.
Okay, let's see what we have here, hm?
When is jeepers ever good?
Oh, God, I knew it.
Calm down. Doctor?
- What? - She wants to know if it's cancer.
That's for the lab to say.
So what happens next?
We scoop it off, send it for a biopsy
and see what's what.
- How long does that take? - About a week.
I have to wait a week to find out if I have skin cancer?
It's a free clinic, not a fast clinic.
Just try not to think about it.
This is not an excuse to smoke crack.
She's still thinkin' about it.
What's it look like? I'm cleaning the fridge.
At 3:00 in the morning?
I can't drink, I can't do drugs.
Let me organize our milk and cold cuts.
You want to take a break
and maybe talk about what you're feeling?
Really? You want to know how I feel?
死 死 死 死 死 死 死
Death, death, death, death, death, death, death.
Mom, you're kind of jumping the gun.
We won't get the results of the biopsy for six more days.
Don't you think you should...
No one cleans like a crazy person.
Hope she organized the closet.
I guess that's to be expected, given my condition.
Or you're tired because you stayed up all night.
Why do I come home?
I love you.
I said I love you.
We don't say it enough.
We don't say it ever.
One of us doesn't even think it.
Come on. Get out of bed.
Let's go grab a bite to eat, and then we'll go to the meeting.
No, no. You go.
Tell everyone to pray for me.
Okay. But don't expect much.
You know, I put my life at risk for so many years.
climbing into zoo enclosures and taunting the animals.
I-I never gave it a second thought.
And now every moment feels so precious.
And yet here you are wasting my time.
Laugh at me. Laugh at life.
The whole thing's a joke.
All righty. I'm gonna skedaddle.
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